tryingnottokillmyselftoday - Tumblr blog

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

idk if this is demiro culture or not but: finding that deep emotional connection and thinking that perhaps they've connected with you, too. and you tell them, and it turns out they haven't. so your connection is all in your heart and one-sided. so you have to try to learn how to undo that bond for them. and they're a good, close friend of yours.

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[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

had a dream the other night where it was a hot night, my crush was near me and had just taken off his shirt, and I couldn't stop staring at his chest hair

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

Don’t forget we have an INSTAGRAM

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

quotes

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

The phrase “treat others the way you would like to be treated” has a second interpretation: “treat yourself the way you would treat someone else”

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

“There are people who live inside their heads and their intellects. It’s something one is born with and stuck with. It’s not something you make a decision about.”

—

Charles Simic

(via

purplebuddhaquotes

)

I am one of them..

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

gentle reminder

you are loved by each and every person in your life - please try your best to not let anyone or anything change your mind about that

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

“Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear.”—Hayao Miyazaki 

SPIRITED AWAY | 千と千尋の神隠し (2001)

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

Growing up aromantic is

Thinking romance is something others do. Thinking romance is a set of socially constructed behaviours. Thinking romance is friends who agree to call themselves a couple. Thinking I will marry my best friend when I grow up, because we get along well and what more would there be to it?

Thinking romance is a fictional trope, and hating Disney movies because they’re all about it. Not relating to the other kids at school because they dream of fairytale endings and true love’s kiss. Not understanding when my friends start blushing and asking who I like. Thinking “liking boys” is a trend, the result of too much Disney, not an orientation.

Thinking romance is picking a boy I want to know better and calling it a crush. Exaggerating my feelings so I can fit in. Telling a friend how I can crush or stop crushing on people at will, and laughing when she says that’s not how it works. Wondering why she pines for months over a boy who doesn’t like her back.

Thinking romance is a game and scoring a partner is winning. Getting confused when others care about what comes after. Wondering what secret rules they know that I don’t. Telling myself I must be playing the wrong way, and restarting.

Thinking romance is the fiery devotion, the deep care I have for my best friends. Trying to explain it, and the words catching in my throat. Not wanting to call it romantic love, because somehow that feels wrong. Not knowing what else to call it, because if this isn’t romance, what is?

Thinking nobody really understands romance anyway. Reading and re-reading the description of a crush in my sex education book and coaching myself to feel that way. Assuming everyone has to teach themselves how to love. Being jealous of those to whom it comes so naturally.

Thinking romance is a compromise, words and gestures that must be given to prove I care. Trying to give them and feeling out of my depth. Convincing myself I have intimacy issues. Never questioning why love feels so wrong with my boyfriend, yet so right with my friends.

Thinking romance is a happy ending written for others. Watching all my friends pair off. Staying awake at night, terrified that this means I will never matter to anyone. Asking the darkness why my own kind of love isn’t enough.

Thinking romance is something I will be taught, one day. Writing stories about heartless, empty, broken characters who are fixed by true love. Meeting the right person and still not feeling the right way. Exploring various fears and traumas because one of them has to be causing this, right?

Thinking romance is something I have to feel, or what would I be? Convincing myself I can’t be aromantic because, because, because… Being afraid of a blank slate future with no other half to hold onto. Feeling like everything I thought I’d understood is falling apart.

Thinking romance is something others do. Allowing myself to let go of what was never a part of me. Crying when an aromantic friend tells me they love me like I do. Feeling, finally, like I belong, like I am enough.

Knowing aromanticism can mean happy endings too.

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

Mindfulness can be useful for literally E V E R Y O N E, but I found it particularly helpful for anxiety– this exercise got me out of the house and functioning again.   °˖✧*•  Shop, Patreon, Book, Mailing List *•. ✧˖°`

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

I’ve seen a few people say on occasion that the fact aces feel “relieved” when they realize they’re ace is “telling” and imply it means being ace isn’t so bad.

let me tell you a thing.

I went years without one of my worst chronic illnesses being properly diagnossed. the day I got a formal diagnosis I felt relieved.

I felt relieved even tho I knew it still meant even with good insurance to help pay for the best treatment of it I’d still be dealing with debilitating levels of pain and fatigue. knowing that with my shitty insurance I would not be able to get the proper treatment to minimize it as much as possible. knowing that doctors don’t even know enough about what causes it let alone know how to fix it. knowing they know so little about it compared to something better studied that they’re still finding stuff out about the symptoms of it. knowing that some doctors and nurses still claim it’s a psychological condition. knowing I am going to live my whole life in moderate to severe pain and exhausted and never be able to live a normal life.

I felt relieved because I had a name for it, because that gave me a source of support. I could use the internet to communicate with other people who had it and get support and knowledge of their experiences with it from them. because it made me feel less alone.

that relief didn’t make what I deal with any better, it was because it gave me a frame of reference, made me feel less alone, and helped me find support from other people who experience the same thing.

I implore you people who think the fact asexuals feel relieved when they realize they’re asexual to think on this.

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

Every day you beat your personal record for staying alive

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

This one was important for me.

The older you get, the more you realize that no one has any idea what they are actually doing and everyone is just pretending

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

For the first time in my life, I actually went to the doctor today because I felt sick and not for an annual checkup.

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

me

[tryingnottokillmyselftoday]

goodbye

i lost a friend today he didn’t move away he hasn’t stopped talking to me

i’ll see him tomorrow and we’ll work together all day but i lost a friend just the same

today he showed his true self today he revealed his love of control today he manipulated people

and all i could do was watch watch as i lost my friend today