trytodiverge

[trytodiverge]

A new me

A new year, a new me. Seems as good a time as any to take life by the horns, and change for the better. In this new year, 2018, I imagine myself striving towards some goals, and adopting some new habits.

New habits

I’ve picked up a smoking habit. I’m going to try to get this under control and smoke only in social situations. It’s been too beneficial in that context to outright give it up immediately. If I can’t reduce the amount of cigarettes I smoke, I’ll have to quit completely. That’s the goal for the long term anyway.

I want to start working out, regularly. Last week, after a while of no physical activity (and followed by more of the same), I started descending burpee ladders. I didn’t finish the ladder, feeling like my heart was about to explode. Afterwards, I felt pretty good and capable throughout the rest of the day. Years ago I actually worked out three days a week for a considerable amount of time, and though my physique never changed much, physically and mentally I felt very good. Besides, recently I’ve been watching Casey Neistat and his vlog, who starts every day with a run, no matter what, and on top of that he goes to a couple of workouts a week. I’m not sure I’ll be that fanatical about it, but adopting a daily routine seems like a good idea.

I’ll have to find a place to do my workout. Doing an entire workout inside might be an option, though I’ll have to avoid jumping exercises like burpees, to keep the noise down. Push-ups, pull-ups, crunches and squats might constitute a good workout out? I’ll have to research this a bit for the long term, but this is enough to get started. I’ll need a pull-up bar to be able to do this. Alternatively, I’ll have to find a staircase or a playground to do pull-ups. I could also do burpees there, as well as take the opportunity to run there for a good cardio/warm-up.

This workout regimen will require more food. I’m going to have to keep track of the calories I consume and try to cram as much in there as I can. Having my own schedule now will allow me to eat more meals throughout the day. Six meals should allow me to spread and increase the calorie intake over the day: breakfast at 8:30, snack at 10:00, lunch at 12:30, snack at 15:00, dinner at 19:00, snack at 21:30.

You need 2,401 Calories/day to maintain your weight. You need 1,901 Calories/day to lose 0.5 kg per week. You need 1,401 Calories/day to lose 1 kg per week. You need 2,901 Calories/day to gain 0.5 kg per week. You need 3,401 Calories/day to gain 1 kg per week.

I want to read more. Read from a book, every day. It can be hard to justify when there’s so little time in a day, but now that I’m living in Amsterdam, maybe I’ll find the time. Reading always seems to make me happier and more creative, so it’s definitely a good idea. Even if just a little bit: read.

I want to be creative, every day. Working in animation, I get a certain fulfilment from my job. But my personal creative capacities just wane when I don’t exercise them regularly. Also, I want to have more stuff to post online, content to develop a reputation with, get my name out there. To do this I imagine myself drawing in a sketchbook, everyday, regardless of what comes out. I also imagine myself messing around with music every day, experimenting and turning the gems into full fledged songs.

Finally, I want to work on my personality and interpersonal skills. I’m agreeable and people tell me I’m a good listener. The goal is to be comfortable with myself in social/work situations, have something interesting to say, and be good at saying it. I’ll try to achieve these by putting myself out there (’talk to a stranger every day for 30 days’ and challenges like that, as well as participate in group discussions, in real life as well as on WhatsApp group chats!); reading and having an active life to have things to talk about; and practicing storytelling and maybe writing, respectively.

New goals

Now for some more measurable goals and achievements.

I want to build my online presence. On Instagram, I want to post something every day. This can be a snippet of music, whether it’s playing guitar, piano, or a screen recording from my iPhone, playing with Caustic etc; or a sketch from my sketchbook, an animation exercise, a finished piece, or a photo/video of something that caught my attention. In addition to Instagram, I want to start generating content for YouTube. This can be anything from animated series and original music, to tutorials and thinkpieces. Maybe even vlogs?

I still want to learn how to program. I know I can learn a language, I just never gain the experience because I have nothing to program, and I don’t have the time to just practice for the sake of practice. Maybe I should think of an actual app/project to slowly hack away at, learning what I need to specifically for that.

I want to find additional sources of income. My job pays pretty decently, but I’m going to want more to be able to really live comfortably, especially if I want to save for my retirement. Avenues to explore: stocktrading, cryptocurrency (though this bubble might have irreparably burst), passive income from t-shirt design etc, selling my music or musicianship, maybe my band will start paying itself back, maybe freelancing on the side?

Finally, I want to get laid more. I didn’t put this in habits, but I do want a more active love/sexlife. A relationship would be a nice cherry on top of a fulfilling social life, but sex itself can be more casual. Living in Amsterdam, on my own, should help this. Just be safe and get tested!

[trytodiverge]

Update:

It’s the first day of a new year! Didn’t make any new year’s resolutions, but I am planning on being a better person. Maybe even a new person?

This last December 1st, I started renting a tiny little apartment in Amsterdam. I finally did it! I have a place of my own. I haven’t been there much, what with holidays as well as trying to make this easy on my mom. Starting next week (or the week after it? You never know with this studio) I’m starting on the next production. From then on, I imagine I’ll be in Amsterdam most of the time. That’s another thing to be happy about: I’ve had work most of the time, since december 2015.

I imagine myself adopting some new habits: working out, preferably in the morning, Neistat style; eating more, which might be easier because I can now fully live and eat according to my own schedule, as well as pick foods I like; when I meet I girl, I have a place I can invite her now. That last one especially I feel has been overdue: having my own place and my own life, it feels as though my life has finally started, which in turn gives me confidence, a sense of self and self-esteem. Not to mention the practicality of getting laid, from having a place of my own; as well as its location in a large, densely populated city that even has many tourists passing through.

Writing about getting laid just now awoke a slight feeling of disgust, thinking myself a scumbag. I should be more comfortable with my own sexuality, desire, as well as the aware of the fact that women I might be interested in have these desires too. SJWs and feminism (both admirable movements, the ideals of which I largely identify with) help bring awareness to the problem of predators as well has less overtly harmful sexism, i.e. objectification. But being too cautious doesn’t help the cause, and it doesn’t help me either.

[trytodiverge]

I read that last post I made years ago, which like the one I just wrote ended on a note about my social life. I guess I should update that part, for posterity’s sake.

Since that post I’ve dated a girl very shortly, that I got ridiculously fond of ridiculously quickly (though I’m pretty sure I was just a guy on the side for her). After that I spent time with a brilliant girl, where I wasn’t sure if we were friends or maybe at least one of us was hoping for more, but this faded/ended weirdly. After that there’s been one girl I was interested in or had a crush on, but I things got weird, mostly because I got self-conscious and insecure. Not sure if I’m completely over that last crush, but I think it’s run its course.

Aside from that I’ve slept around quite a bit, including a few Tinder dates. [here’s the five minute mark, but I’ll keep going a bit for completeness] One of them was a one night stand with an essentially ideal girl. I didn’t realize I maybe wanted to see her again until I got on the train home. Now I’m stuck between hoping and fearing I’ll see her again. This might realistically happen, considering the Dutch media world is tiny, as is Amsterdam.

Anyway, I’ve gone to a festival in Germany every year since that last post. I go to a reasonable amount of parties, energy allowing.

I’m still shy and afraid of speaking up or acting out of character in any way, but despite that, all in all I’m doing pretty good.

[trytodiverge]

Starting this back up. It’s been nearly four years, damn.

Anyway! Just going to write about the state of my life right now, and maybe think about the future, if I get to that, otherwise that’s something for the next post.

I spend most of my time working now, and have done for the entire last year. Financially that’s great! I’ve saved up enough to be okay for a while now. Still living with my parents though, and my social life is also suffering. I only go out to drink about once a month now (sometimes more) and even then only when Michael asks me to join him. Other than that I sometimes join in on the Friday night drinks at work, but lately I haven’t had the energy to do socialize with the people at work. Though it should be said, they’re all lovely people that I can get along with pretty well.

The band’s going alright. We’ve played a few shows recently, are nearly done recording an EP. We’re planning shows with another band, and generally I’m starting to get the feeling our band is being taken seriously. People really enjoy it and musicians at least respect us. So there’s that.

All I have to do now to get my life where I want it, is move out.

[trytodiverge]

I have a constant urge to have filled notebooks. Sketches, paintings, essays, sheet music, I don't care. I just want to have written it. I guess it's a form of bibliophilia. I'm not sure if it's the image of a book, the fact that it can hold so much information, the idea that someone else might read it, or just the beckoning of empty pages waiting to be filled. It's mostly the books themselves that I like. I also love the idea of filling them up, which is something else entirely. I like the thought of following in the ink-ridden footsteps of great minds that came before me. Anyone from Da Vinci to Oscar Wilde and Anais Nin kept extensive journals. They were great thinkers, and so much of it they put to paper, so that we (I) can revel in it. I also enjoy the feeling of writing down something I've learned, something new to me or something that someone else might want to read. I like the image of filling notebooks with words and images that might enlighten myself and maybe others. But it feels as though either my mind is empty, or something stops me from spilling it onto those beautiful pages, empty and beckoning for information to contain. I think I'm slowly identifying the problem. There's a fear of what's inside my head. Fear of my inability to capture it on a page, and the thought that I or anyone else will ever find it, and see nothing but flaws. In addition, I'm deathly afraid of the futility of the content itself. I shouldn't complain about my life, as I guess it's mostly the result of the choices I failed to make. But the verbal outcome of this can only be one of two things: either I vent, complain and what I end up with is a horribly self-righteous piece of narcissism, about how I deserve this (or how I don't); or - the more likely option - I will repeatedly come to the same conclusion that certain things have to change, but the decision to do that right now seems ill-informed. My social life is too limited. My family is too imposing on my privacy, but since I'm financially dependent on them, I can't live with myself complaining. I'm too busy with art school to get a job right now, so moving out isn't an option. I keep hoping for the near future to clear out my obstacles a little bit, but the pattern seems to just repeat itself. One more year of art school probably, after that all I can do is work. I just hope this final year provides me with enough time and energy to get a part-time job.

[trytodiverge]

Here goes: another attempt at filling a post in five minutes. Not sure what to write so I guess I'll just write about today.

Today was shit.

Allow me to elaborate. I started the day feeling heavy and tired, and getting myself to even consider getting out of bed was an immensely daunting task. After minutes I finally managed to pick myself up and shower. Getting dressed seemed strangely pointless, so motivation was lacking there as well. Eventually I left home and started biking my way to the train station. About halfway there I got pulled over. Police. A fine.

For biking without my fucking lights on.

It's my own fault of course, but the insignificance of the offense, combined with my own stupidity, make it difficult to swallow.

The day was slow. Work at the animation studio was mostly technical and repetitive, but at least it seems it might be going somewhere. The animatic is almost done now. Hopefully the people at Total will be happy in the end.

I gotta get out of there though. Literally and truly mind numbing work, for which I have to travel at least two hours in the morning, and at least two hours in the evening to get home. I have no time left for myself, let alone the schoolwork that I have yet to finish. Hopefully this week I'll grow the balls to just get up and leave.

[trytodiverge]

It's been nearly two years now since I wrote anything here. It must have been about that amount of time since I meditated as well. I feel like I've wasted too much time thinking about doing these things without actually doing them. I'm going to try to remind myself to just go ahead and do it, and not worry about the outcome.

In other news, I'm slowly becoming a more confident and laidback person. I don't really know what it is, but I suspect it's mostly 'not giving a fuck'. The less I care, the more I can show my affection, it seems. So here's to not caring. (Not actually toasting, I'm sitting here alone at the animation studio I'm interning at. Wasting time and energy, but that's another story.)

I really want to pick this tradition back up though, and really turn it into a habit of just writing for 5 minutes every day. Spur creativity. Stop overthinking. Let thoughts flow freely. Enjoy myself every day.

I'm not sure if the 5 minutes are over already, I would suspect they are but I haven't heard the timer so I'll look now. Oh wow I still have more than a minute to go. It's been a long time since I've typed this much this quickly.

Alright then, as a final reminder to myself: I have to stop overthinking in my art as well. I still have to finish my second year film, and the frames are just lying there, waiting to be finished. So finish them I shall. I spent my time on the train this morning inventorizing what's left to be done, so that's a first step.

[trytodiverge]

Going to bed, too late

I have an irrepressible urge to stay up late, it seems. I'm not exactly sure why. I've thought about maybe computer addiction, though it seems unlikely because the computer to me isn't much of an object in and of itself: it's a mere tool for me to reach whatever mental goals I have, or creative goals. But that might just be it: I might be addicted to creativity. It feels almost like a waste of time to go to sleep. Why spend my time doing nothing when there are so many ideas?

However, now, as I'm writing this, I'm noticing my mind becoming very tired. I know it's not good for me, but I spent hours drawing, and thinking about drawing a storyboard. I'm going to have to go to bed now, and I'll finish the storyboard during tomorrow morning's lecture on analyizing film genres. That's usually something that makes everyone fall asleep, which would be perfect for me to work some more. It should take about 2 hours, and the storyboard will only take about half, I expect. That is, if I draw quickly, and efficiently. I must remember that.

Anyway, while thinking about drawing this storyboard just now, I have to admit, I was slacking off for a bit. Watching interviews with musicians, looking up actors, checking social networks and art forums. Decidedly unrelated to drawing storyboards. I can't really complain, because I did do a decent amount of work. I will now proceed to sit on my bed and meditate for a good 10 minutes, to calm my mind from working this much, and to prepare for sleep, to make the absolute best of the inactivity and resting.

[trytodiverge]

That summer feeling (in 5 minutes)

I never really liked summer when I was younger. It was hot, humid and sweaty, much too depressing for my 13 year old self. Recently though I (re)discovered the joy of summer. The beautiful sunshine, the beautiful weather, the laidback atmosphere that's around everywhere you go. Everyone really does seem nicer, everything does seem better somehow. It's possible to feel completely at peace in such conditions.

There's also a certain sexiness to it. The song I'm currently listening to, "Underwater Love" by Smoke City captures it really well. A feeling that you know will be over in a while, but a feeling you know you probably will feel again in not too long a while. That's another thing too, recent years have flown past me, it seems, where back in high school I used to count down the minutes. An allround feeling of depression then versus appreciation of beauty in everyone and everything now, and summer and the 'vibe' that goes along with it only amplifies that optimism, that flower-power state.

With the sexiness comes a certain melancholy. I might end up sounding really sexist for this, but I'm a guy and I love love. As I read on a toilet door once, We don't need love, we love need. And I certainly acknowledge that. Meeting a beautiful girl evokes an amazing sense of joy and appreciation, especially when everyone is happy and enjoying that same summer vibe. But with that comes a feeling that I can only describe as a fear of lacking. Possibly lacking that strange kind of 'love' in your life, or currently lacking it. It's all about love though. And I love it.

[trytodiverge]

Freewriting about freewriting (in 5 minutes)

I am going to commence a routine of freewriting. Or at least, I will try to commence this routine and really make it a daily thing for myself. Thing is, I am too clogged up somehow, or there's some kind of threshold to my thoughts. This might be a habit f convergent thinking, or just all encompassing shyness, or some kind of fear of failure. Anyhow, it's a wise thing to incorporate into my day to day schedule, i think. This way, I might let my thoughts flow more freely, instead of checking, double checking and then double checking my thoughts again. I like this exercise because there are no boundaries. I can write whatever I want, and that's the kind of thought I want to get into my usual way of thinking too. This relates to more social aspects of life too, where so often I can't think of anything to talk about. Perhaps this will help in that aspect of life as well. I can only imagine what it's like to have that ability, to think of ansolutely anything at all to talk about with either a complete stranger, or even someone you kind of know but not really, like a coworker or a classmate. Filling up those awkward silence has never been a forte of mine, so I hope that maybe this exercise will free that up. Also meditation is a habit I'm picking up right now. I used to do it years ago, daily (or rather nightly. Every single night I would sit down and breathe to a certain pattern). Now I am picking up a slightly different meditative technique. Mindfulness, where I accept any thought that enters my mind, and without judging it, letting it go and bringing my focus back to observing my breath.