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tsnophaljakarax-reviews-blog · 9 years ago

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This is my second horror character, GraveYard. A living corpse that steals life from her victims to heal herself but she decays and will die unless she kills. (Note, her appearance changes because her body rots and can heal. So, the hanging eye can be fixed.) —So, Thank you very much for being my first ‘patient’. Let’s not hesitate and begin the critique.

GENERAL

Real Name: Florence (her last name was starched out on her grave) Boucher Title: GraveYard Why she’s called that?: She gave herself that name because she’d rather not call herself after her old self plus she’s pretty bad at making up names. Nickname(s): Grave( a name she likes since it’s quicker to say.), Dirt child (this is more of a mean nickname that normal people call her, like as a rumor), Flower(dislikes being called that because she feels it’s disrespectful to her old self to compare her((Florance)) to a murderous corpse.) Physical Age: 16 Chronological Age: 115 Mental Age: She is very gullible, naive, not aware of all the things in the modern world & gets scared easily, so about 6 to 10 ish. D.O.B: February 12, 1900 D.O.D: July 29, 1916 Date of Resurrection: November24, 2014 Personality: jittery, nervous, self conscious, rarely relaxes unless she’s around people she trusts, too kind for her own good, and feels very guiltily after a murder, can be easy to trick her since she doesn’t know a lot, gullible Cause of death: Was burned to death in a large forest fire that burned her small town down. (she kind of knows this, she has large burn marks on her back that never healed so she assumes that’s how she kicked the bucket) She died of Carbon Monoxide Poisoning, inhaling of too much smoke, and had only been burned severely on the back. Gender: female Species: living corpse (zombie) Status: single Mental Stability: has metal breakdowns due to her built up guilt but is normally “fine” but not really. Danger Level: She can be dangerous ( 6 out of 10) Obedience: none Nationality: Canadian Occupation: serial killer Weapon: shovel Motive: So she doesn’t die by rotting. Theme Song: Heirloom by Sleeping At Last https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auOivVnhI00 Method Of Killing: She normally beats them to death with her shovel. She can create horrific hallucinations causing her victim to go into a panic, giving her a chance to kill them. It can cause the victim to commit suicide but that rarely. Doing this power can cause her to be weakened or pass out. People she kills: She doesn’t really want to kill but has to. She goes for people who have been doing bad things and would resort to some innocent person only when she was desperate. Refuses to kill young children after the accident or at east she tries hard not to kill kids. She has broken her rule twice in desperation. She mainly goes after alone adults and teenagers. Quotes: - “I’m sorry.” - “I’m coming undone by the seams.” Hobbies: skipping stones (she finds it to be calming to her nerves.) Likes: walking, skipping stones, girly things like skirts with lace and even dolls Dislikes: Fire, other murderers, killing, always being alone, technology Fear(s): fire, heights, death, being in lots of pain since she’s have felt pain before, talking in front of a crowd Disorder: PTSD (wip on this one and her triggers are fire and maybe smoke.) Story: Some people were led to Florence’s grave by an attractive woman, who told them that the body was buried with various pieces of jewelry and special trinkets. This mysterious woman came to a group of shady robbers, proposing that she would lead them to the gravestone. In order to further persuade the crew, she said that if they refused to believe or listen to her, she’d turn them into the authorities. Grave awoke one night in a coffin with no memories. Said coffin was dug up by these grave robbers, who she scared them off by accident. One of them left a shovel so she kept it for protection. For some reason, she smelled something like rotting cabbages, maybe a corpse. Looking around, she couldn’t find we’re the smell was coming from. Now taking a look at herself, the girl was shocked to find her flesh decaying. Nearly made her vomit and was trembling. She saw on her tombstone that her name was Florence and yet her last name was scratched out for possible due to the gravestone being at lest a century old. GraveYard has been dead since 1916. She quickly left the cemetery and began walking down a dirt road with fear of what she is on her mind. On the way, she heard noises coming from some bushes. Afraid of it being an attacker, she swung her shovel hard. There was a thud and a slump that followed. She took a peak and saw it was a little girl; dead and had a bleeding dent in her skull. Earlier, that little girl was camping with her family and her parents were badly setting up a tent. Being young and full of curiosity, the girl wandered off to explore the woods while her parents were sadly too busy to notice her absence for awhile. When the girl heard walking coming over, she hid in a bush, thinking it was her parents were looking for her and probably would punish her if she was caught. But she was whacking hard of her head, dying on impact as her skull was of a child’s . GraveYard, horrified of what she done, cried, screamed at herself, and beat herself out of guilt. After calming down a bit from her short breakdown, she picked up the girl’s limp body, trembling badly and looked for a place to bury the child as a weak attempt to say that she was sorry; not to hide the body. A weird yet painful surge went through the zombie’s decaying body, it didn’t last long but Grave couldn’t help but cry out in agony. Freaked out, GraveYard put the child down to examine her body to see what was wrong. She gasped when she saw that she was mostly healed. Panicked and frightened by this, she fled the woods, horrified of what what just happened. As she ran, her chest ached badly and she had to stop and violent coughs came out. When the coughing fit calmed down, the undead could hear what sounded like worried voices and crying from where she left the child’s body. All Grave could do was leave the area, feeling horrible and guilty. Her Previous Life: http://ladyannmajora.deviantart.com/art/Florence-498333943 Her Horror Story: http://ladyannmajora.deviantart.com/art/I-m-Sorry-GraveYard-s-first-story-501514491?ga_submit_new=10%253A1419138952&ga_type=edit&ga_changes=1&ga_recent=1 Why she returned: http://ladyannmajora.deviantart.com/art/I-Miss-You-Creepypasta-Story-WIP-503682039

RELATIONSHIPS

Sexual Orientation: AromaticAsexual (She’s a living dead body, you think love would really work out with her? No, it wouldn’t go to down too well.) Romantic Interest: none Relationship: none & never will Family: she doesn’t remember them but they’re probably dead by now Mother & Father- died of old age Elliot- was killed by Elena Allies/Friends: (OPEN) (I need to update this part but will later.) Freak of Nature ( owned by @The-Jesus-Freak ) Mama Smile ( owned by @KeyboardCandy ) The Hangman ( Owned by @InvaderIka ) Scaredy Scarecrow ( @UnluckyOwlFreak ) Neutral: (OPEN) Elena (belongs to me) Elena has interacted and even saved her skin twice, the first time from The Ringmaster, the second time was with Mr. Stripes. Grave is very confused of why the daemon has helped her. Elena won’t tell her a thing since she finds it amusing by the girl’s clueless nature. The demon likes to screw around with her. Pinstripes ( Belongs to @Acroar ) He had dissected and released her after a stay at his laboratory. She’s happy that he let her live but is still scared of him. She does conciser him as a thing to fear and often tries avoiding him as much as possible. Rivals/Enemies: The Ringmaster ( belongs to @Magical-Fear ) Here’s the story of how that came to be. She’s afraid of him after what he has done. http://ladyannmajora.deviantart.com/art/GraveYard-mets-The-Ringmater-Chapter-One-501916677 Mr.Stripes ( belongs to @Magical-Fear ) She’s terrified of this daemon due to his attempts of murder, is only alive due to Elena’s interference,(Open) The Gambler ( owned by @InvaderIka ) The Gambler has lied to her to try to get the undead girl to kill an old rival of his, The Hangman, and claimed that the cowboy killed women and children. Grave, the gullible little zombie she is, believed his lies & went out to find the Hangman.

APPEARANCE

Hair: messy, dark brown hair that reaches to her neck Skin: light brown Eyes: brown Height: 5'6" Weight: 150 lb Body Type: average for her weight Outfit: bloodied purple turtleneck, long black skirt, barefoot Distinguishing Features: Gravehas large burn scars on her back that never have healed. This is because she died in a fire that left those scars, meaning they are a part of her body. The healing only repairs her to where her dead body was like beforehand. Also, she’s got a small mole on her right foot.

PSYCHICAL

Mental notes(s): has mental breakdowns time to time that rarely lead hurting herself. (not cutting or anything, she doesn’t have a knife. Like biting off her pinkie, it can grow back but it hurts her.) She’s “fine” and feels guilty most of the time Abilities/Strengths: -good arm strength -Her limbs can be ripped off and they can only grow back if she kills someone. The price is that the process is short but really painful. -Her hallucination power can get her out of a jam but it takes a lot of energy out of her, even to the point where she could pass out after one go; leaving her vulnerable. -she can live as long the head isn’t destroyed -She can survive deadly poison by not dying but will get ill Weaknesses: -not quick on her feet (it’s not because of her skirt, her legs just weren’t meant for running and she was have a coughing fit if she run too much in one go.) -fire burns her easily -will die if her head is destroyed or her organs be ripped out/destroyed violently. -kindness because she let’s her victim go sometimes and they could get the police after her or attack the zombie. -she feels herself rotting and it hurts her badly -she’s got a short amount of time to kill, sometimes can be too self conscious about herself and can lead her to feeling depression -can be over powered by someone with more strength than her like a thirty year old man or something like that. -When growing back a limb, she is in a position where anyone can easily attack her. -She’s gullible and easy to trick and lie to -As a head, she can’t control her body and can be easily killed as a head. -sometimes, she goes into coughing fits because her lungs never fully heal from the Carbon Monoxide Poisoning -runs out of breath easily when running

STATS

( Rate from 1-10. 10 being the highest. ) Intelligence: she’s not the brightest. 5 Strength: Fairly good arm strength. 8 Speed: Not fast on her feet. 5 Agility: Not quick on her feet. 5 Endurance: She can take a decent damage. 7 Balance: She’s fairly clumsy since her body is rotting. 4 Tolerance: Her social skills are bad 2.5

FACTS/TRIVIA

-She stole the clothes she’s wearing from one of her victims since her old clothes where just rags. -She knows very little swears expect some she’s heard from her victims. Like hoser and hammer head for example. -She likes girly things. (ie. Frilly dresses & dolls) -Is confused by today’s culture, she did forget her own but still feels weird of the modern world. -Hides in forests and kills depending of how much she’s damaged and how much she can take the pain -she doesn’t physically age like a human. -Sometimes, she can find living and dead maggots in her skin. When the maggots grow up into flies, they fly around her, nibbling on her rotting body or leave her. Most leave her. -She shutters a lot -She’s really terrible at picking up any hint of sarcasm because she doesn’t get it. -Her teeth can be white (rarely) then slowly rot to an ugly black. -A reason why she wears a big sweater is because the skin around her stomach area decays away enough for her insides to be seen. Plus, she gets cold easily. -The younger the person she kills the more “life” she gets from them. She finds herself debating with her own morals. To either the old but having to kill more people or the young but kill less people. GraveYard would often lose sleep over this. -Is always on the move, never stays in one place very long and rarely revisits. -she does remember few things from her old life since the accident. She remembers that she had a brother and how she died along with its pain but it’s mostly blurry to her. -She’s probably the easiest oc to draw for me because since she decays, her appearance changes. -Elena gave her the hallucination power so Grave might have a better chance at survival. -She was brought back to life by her brother (who was killed by Elena) and mostly by the demon, Elena. She uses Grave to kill so she may have the souls to devour. Grave is completely unaware of this fact. For a person Grave kills, Elena partially heals the living corpse in return. The younger the soul, the more the demon will heal her. -Grave’s body decays sorta fast so killing a child could get her body to last two months. If she kills a man in his 80’s, that’s two days. If she kills a man in his 40’s, that’s two weeks. Elena enjoys the souls of children the most which is why Grave is fully healed when she kills a child. -The process of her brother, Elliot. was him scratching out her last name on her tombstone while he was speaking a chant. The demon known as Elena came and strangled the life out of him. He was killed as a part to revive his late sister. Her corpse took long to repair 6 feet under in a coffin, taking nearly a hundred years. -Elliot’s body is now being used as a servant for Elena to preform easy tasks, like cleaning. She simply wanted an servant because the demon can become too intoxicated to take care of herself time to time. -Her hallucination ability mostly works when she thinks and focuses hard on the person she wants/needs to go into a panic or it rarely so they kill themselves if they’re weak minded. This process is exhausting for her and will need to rest afterwards, maybe even fainting on the spot if it stresses her out too much. -Her ability, however, doesn’t work on those who’re already dead, not human, or just has a strong mind. They normally just get a really terrible memory popping into their heads.

So, I must say I do remember seeing this OC before, and from seeing how she’s your avatar, I can tell she’s very personal to you. She’s pretty much your baby, and I really like seeing that in an OC.

Now, her character is very fleshed out and her backstories pretty interesting too.

However, if I only had one negative thing to say, is that this character seems to have to many weaknesses, including this subservient and gullible troupe which makes her seem more like minion character, which sort of diminishes her intimidation level.

So really all I can say is that I like this character and I can certainly see her Interacting with other creepypasta characters, but I can't really see her as a stand-alone character. Her timid nature doesn't seem to make her too intimidating, and whilst that is a nice change of pace from typical OP mary-sue characters, I can only really see her with other characters and a story with just her on her own wouldn't be that engaging.

But then again, if the intention IS for her to interact with other characters in an extended universe then I cannot fault you for that. This character is very likeable and somewhat eerie design, but if you were to do a more frightening character, I would consider more intimidating character traits. I like the powers she has already, but maybe something a little more psychologically disturbing could be attributed, like a sense of causing one to feel like they are deceased themselves, or perhaps a horrific personal trait would surface during being hypnotised, sort of like in The Shining.

Just an idea, really..

So that's all I have to say really. Thank you very much for sending Graveyard to me, and god luck with developing her, since I can see she is very close to you. ^u^

This has been Tsnophaljakarax.

o)_(o

#creepypasta oc #creepypasta review #tsnophaljakarax #graveyard #submission

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