tsukiyaki

[tsukiyaki]

我突然想到我觉得我三十岁跟二十岁还是有差别的。当我三十岁以后，我发现我喜欢的东西依旧喜欢，但我可以不拥有。我害怕的东西依旧害怕，但我可以面对。 (English) I suddenly recognize the difference between my 30s and 20s. In my 30s, I still like the things that I've always liked, but I no longer have to make them mine. I still fear the things that I used to fear, but I am able to face them.

王子文

[tsukiyaki]

it’s okay to ask for help

As a student, I never asked teachers for help until Calc BC wiped the floor with me. The first office hours I attended, I didn’t hear a lot of what Mr. Stoll said at first. I was too focused on holding back the tears welling up in my eyes. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t just do it right on my own. I was scared that he’d decide I was a failure and yell at me for it.

Last year, I injured myself in a bizarre way. Even when I didn’t move, I felt considerable pain. I stayed home to recover and discovered medication that would help. I could wait a few more days for it to get delivered, or I could buy it at a local store right away. Despite the degree of my pain, I almost went with the first option, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive myself anywhere. 

It took a long time to gather up the courage to call a friend. I stumbled through my request with a wordy explanation and nervous laughter, and she simply replied, “When do you need me to come?” Again, I almost cried--out of relief, disbelief, and gratitude. You’d think I had just confessed to a guy or something ... but no, this was even harder.

Recently, I forgot to overthink before telling a friend my unfiltered feelings about a small gesture that would mean a lot to me, so I started overthinking afterwards instead. In the time that passed between our messages, anxiety and regret warred within me. I told myself, “It’s not a big deal. You didn’t say that to force them to do anything, and you’re certainly not expecting anything. You’re just sharing about what matters to you, because you care that your friends understand you. And a good friend is not going to disown you or get mad at you for being honest or expressing your desires." 

It didn’t work, so I ran to God. 

Peace quickly stilled my heart, and I finally understood my emotions. Nothing I had told myself helped because I was speaking to the wrong problem. I wasn’t anxious about my friend thinking poorly of me. Quite the opposite, I had felt comfortable enough to expose myself for a hot minute. I let my guard down naturally. That’s a sign of growing trust. And it felt foreign and dangerous. It set off my internal security alarms, but something in me wouldn’t go into full lockdown mode like I was used to doing. That resistance was the source of my tension.

That’s when I connected the dots between this experience and similar ones in my past.   

I’m only just getting to know the real me in my late 20s. I rejected and disconnected from so much of myself at a young age that I’ve lived most of my life convinced I’m someone I’m not. So ironically, for me, it’s a sign of healing every time I recognize and reconnect with even the fear that drives me at my core.

There I sat, tracing this fear all the way back to my childhood: I’m not allowed to have my own desires and needs. They don’t matter. It’s shameful that I even have any. And nobody would care to fulfill them anyway, so I can’t tell anyone about them, or they’ll reject me afterwards.

And I started crying. Because yes, this fear still haunts me, but I had just seen evidence of my healing and restoration. 

There’s now a part of me that won’t stand for a life behind walls anymore. A part of me genuinely believes that my voice and needs matter. It declares that not only do I have the freedom to express my needs, I can also trust that there are people out there who care to listen. 

It’s okay to ask for help. It’s possible to not have to lose anything when I can’t be the one giving and have to be the one receiving instead. It’s even okay to want to receive, and to receive, not out of necessity, but just because.

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Session 4

Meeting dates: 4.29 & 5.8

This session didn’t introduce any new materials. Instead, each cohort member was encouraged to invite our coworkers and friends to an intro leadership workshop. The goal was to grow our influence in and bring liberation to their lives. I invited my life group and my entire team at work, but I put it off until the last minute. Even then, I got a lot out of this session, gaining a deeper understanding of myself.

Growing the Connector voice

As usual, I procrastinated out of fear. I hate feeling like I’m trying to sell something to someone with ulterior motives in mind, even if it’s free. It’s so important to me that I truly stand behind the things I advocate for. I dread the thought of wasting someone else’s time and resources on something that wasn’t actually worth it to them. 

At the same time, I’m also afraid of rejection. It’s not that I have to have things my way. It’s just that when I vouch for something, I do it with all my heart, and I can’t do it with any less for the reasons above. So naturally, it hurts when other people don’t show interest in what I’ve gone all in on. Our greatest gifts are often also our greatest weaknesses, so I wouldn’t trade the way I function naturally for anything.

Whereas in the past I often chose the path of least resistance over speaking up for what I truly believe in, these days, I’ve taken a lot more opportunities to put myself out there, grow thicker skin, and risk the pain of rejection for the possibility of the most rewarding outcome: connecting even one person to the right resources that can make their lives better.

When I finally pushed past my discomfort and just invited people because I believed in what I was extending to them, I was amazed at how much influence I already had. 13 guests accepted my invite, many of them told me they got a lot out of the workshop, and I got to form deeper connections with them. J was so impressed, he said he’d take me out to dinner to celebrate winning the “best recruiter award” next time he’s in town. 

Growing the Nurturer voice

I was thrilled, but the turnout was also very sobering. It showed me the consequences of consistently underestimating my influence and value. Though I’m not actively hurting anybody when I belittle myself, I see now that it’s very possible that other people miss out on some great stuff every time I do so. For example, there were people who could have made it to this session had I just sent the invite out sooner. 

During the session, there was honestly only one feeling building up inside me: stress. Having 13 guests at the same time, I quickly realized how much of a Nurturer I really am. All I could think about was checking in on them. Are they getting something out of this? Are they heard? Are they having the best experience possible? Am I being a good host? How can I be better?

I could hardly stop long enough to even focus on the material. Noted: this tendency of mine to coddle people is going to be something I have to learn to manage responsibly if I’m ever going to change the world.

To dream or not to dream?

It was after this session that I heard my heart whisper again, “I want to be a life coach and inspirational figure one day.” But there are so many things I have said I wanted to do that I never move forward on, because I give up on myself before anyone else has a chance to.

This experience reignited a sense of hope and purpose in me. It also illuminated several challenges I would have to face if I choose to pursue my dreams. And honestly, that made me very frustrated. 

Everyone wants the benefits of liberation, but not everyone is willing to put in the work it takes to get there. I’ve taken several long hard looks at myself and wrestled with the Lord on what kind of person I will choose to be going forward.

When nemesis voices become the best partners

During my 1:1 after the session, I talked to A about my struggles at work, one of the biggest stressors in my life because I still can’t imagine thriving in my job. He helped me see that I have so much more agency over what I do at work than I thought I had. I’m only now learning that it’s okay to communicate what I need from my coworkers to maintain that golden 70:30 ratio of how much I work out of my strengths to how much I work on my weaknesses. 

A and J are constantly emphasizing how the 5 Voices should help us understand the value and necessity of having all 5 voices on a team. We weren’t made to do everything on our own, and it’s not good leadership to try to do that. 

A recent talk to a coworker opened my eyes to how true this teaching is. This coworker used to make me feel inadequate because she was so good at the things I struggled most with. I made my own life so hard not asking for help on things that she could have taken care of so easily, because I was scared I’d look incompetent. As a result, I dreaded my job and couldn’t even do the things I did well anymore. 

When I finally asked her if she minded helping me with these things, she readily agreed. She even told me that the part I claim to enjoy doing is the exact kind of stuff that she never wants to do. 

I finally see that when people praise me for my ability to organize information and make it sound nice and look pretty, it’s legitimate. In the past, just because it was easy and fun for me, I assumed it had less value than the things that made me feel like I was dying on the inside. I guess I used to believe that work = suffering. No wonder I had no hope when it came to my job!

Accountability that works

Before my 1:1 with A, I was really stressed out by a project that I had to start from scratch. I couldn’t get myself to work on it for the life of me until A found out about my situation, told me to ask my coworker for help, and then established a deadline for when he expected me to do so. 

I knew I had to talk to my coworker eventually because it would be good for me, but I dreaded the idea of asking for help before I contributed anything. That dread eclipsed any other feelings I had about work, and I had no problem getting the entire project done in the next 2 days. What surprised me the most was, I actually had fun!

Valuable insights about myself I’ve gathered from this experience:

I personally need constant accountability from people to get things done. I lose motivation easily if I do things completely on my own for long.

The person holding me accountable has to be someone I know won’t let me off the hook easily, but is also someone I respect and love enough to want to make them proud of me. These kinds of people are usually the ones who I already know are proud of me, so it’s not about earning my place, but about wanting more moments to celebrate together. They genuinely believe in who I am at my best and speak that into existence, rather than dwelling on how I’m falling short in the moment.

The consequence of needing accountability has to be a clear action item that I can see is for my good but is nerve wracking enough that being productive is more appealing than facing the consequence.

[tsukiyaki]

I like to remind myself that people sharing their half-baked thoughts and ideas is a sign of trust and that makes me smile.

A wise coworker

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Session 3

Meeting dates: 3.25 & 4.10

Our first of many remote cohort meetings. I’m thankful to technology for keeping us connected as we shelter in place.

I went in very miffed that I wasn’t allowed to use the Zoom desktop app on my corporate device anymore, which meant no more gallery view of all the participants :( I came out begrudgingly admitting that that actually improved my learning experience. 

Confession: being able to see everyone at once makes it easy for me to get distracted by or only focus on the people I find most interesting. My natural tendency is to tune out anything but the most captivating thing in front of me. But when I’m always looking at the face of the current speaker, and the web interface is so bad that chatting someone else up privately is inconvenient, I actually focus, listen, and engage. 

From strangers to friends

This session was a turning point for me. It marked a significant shift in relational dynamics. I noticed that I was waiting eagerly to see many different people, not just A. When they showed up, I couldn’t contain a heartfelt smile. These were no longer strangers in a dull corporate setting who I felt like I had to prove myself to. They had become people I trusted and felt safe to be myself around. 

I was much more confident in the value that I inherently brought just by being me, and that gave me the freedom to start to earnestly invest in their growth too. To my delight, I also discovered that I’m the only Nurturer in the entire cohort. Although having another Nurturer would challenge me to grow a lot more in learning to speak up even if someone else has similar value to add, I will shamelessly milk this opportunity to feel amazing about being the uncontested resource my cohort turns to every time we talk about Nurturers.

I felt so alive and excited every time someone asked me a question about how to work with Nurturers and communicate with them better. I was so heartened that there are people who care to ask these questions. Then I started to enter “I’m so high, I feel unsafe” territory when the Pioneers showed me they respected me. 

From nemesis to confidante

One of the Pioneers I had talked to in our last cohort meeting, an entire month ago, shared that I had opened her eyes to what she can sound like to quieter leadership voices. Another Pioneer reached out and asked to talk to me regularly outside of cohort hours for advice on how to communicate better with her husband, a Nurturer Connector like me. 

Pioneers are one of the Nurturer’s nemesis voices, but they also happen to be the voice that I am personally most drawn to. We learned that younger couples have a tendency to marry their nemesis voice out of some inherent survival instinct that draws us to people who can complement our weaknesses with their strengths (we have a lot of Pioneer Nurturer couples). Apparently the older we get though, the more likely we are to marry someone with a voice similar to ours, because we’re less willing to change. I have personally concluded from this information that I am still young.

Overall, this cohort session convinced me that there’s great value in walking through a leadership journey with a consistent group of people like this. It also helped me realize that my voice truly does matter.

From father to Father

If you recall, Session 2 had been a trainwreck for me. What changed between then and now was some deep soul searching and coming back into alignment with God.

It started with my prior shame from imposter syndrome and guilt being annihilated by grace. 2 weeks before this session, I “confessed my sins” to A during our 1:1, ready to grovel for forgiveness. Instead, he only teased me once for calling him a liar before speaking into the insecurities I confessed to having. This cohort has been rewiring my brain to stop calling people out for their past failures, and to start calling them up into who I firmly believe they can be, like A continues to do for me.

As one of my friends had sent me into this call with the blessing, “I hope he makes you cry again,” I thought I had won by not leaking tears. So as the call came to an end, I proudly declared, “It was a close one, but I didn’t cry!” A immediately confirmed that he thought he saw me tear up twice, but he wasn’t sure until now. Then he invited me to talk about it, if I was willing to. I was so shocked that he even noticed. My foolish pride led me down a whole different path of vulnerability.

It didn’t take long for either of us to realize that as much as I didn’t want to be, I was in danger of projecting the needs my dad never met in my life onto him, simply because he has been everything to me that I never thought a male authority figure could be. 

He set me back on the right path by firmly yet gently telling me, “I don’t want to be your dad. I can’t be. I’m human, and I will eventually fail you one day. You cry about this topic because it’s still raw and fresh in your heart. What you need to do is run to the Father again and again and receive His love. You’ll know when the healing is complete. One day, you'll be able to think and talk about these things without crying anymore.”

[tsukiyaki]

Jesus longs to meet with us at our lowest point and not once but many times. Too often we understand the need to meet him in that initial moment of salvation, only to think he has left us to build on our own from there. Nothing could be further from the truth. We meet him first as the Lord of salvation and then repeatedly, with humility, as the one who restores our souls and patches up the cracked cisterns of our hearts.

Lisa Bevere, Without Rival

[tsukiyaki]

The attacks on your life have more to do with who you might be in the future than who you have been in the past.

Lisa Bevere, Without Rival

[tsukiyaki]

Hebrews 12:12-29

The Lord led me back to Hebrews 12 today, the second half of the passage. I felt like He was speaking directly to our current circumstances (i.e. coronavirus) and instructing me on how to navigate through them:

v12-13 Be productive. Do what’s right, and don’t cut corners. Don’t let your mind, body, or soul atrophy. Stay engaged.

v14-15 Don’t project your expectations or beliefs on others. Pursue peace with everyone and holiness for yourself, actively receive grace, and don’t let distance create bitterness and division in the body. 

v16-17 Keep your priorities straight. Remember Matthew 6:31-33. Seek first my kingdom and my righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. I throw Maslow's hierarchy of needs on its head. I meet your every need. Stop chasing them in the order the world says you need to meet them in. Stop trying to meet them yourself before you think of me. Come to me first, and I will provide for you.

v18-24 Know who you stand before: the living God. When you do, you will know your place. I will reveal myself to you in such glory that you will tremble with fear. To the extent you are able to grasp the magnitude of my holiness, you will grasp the magnitude of my grace in Christ Jesus, though both are truly unfathomable. 

v25-27 Sound familiar? Looks kind of like the state of the world right now, doesn’t it? I am in total control, I know what I’m doing, and it’s not a secret. There is no reason for you to be afraid or panic. Heed my warnings when I speak. As I shake the earth and heavens, only things that cannot be shaken will remain. Now is a time in which you will recognize the things that can be shaken, and you will finally let go of the temporary to pursue the eternal.

v28-29 The only way for you to respond then is this: “Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.”

[tsukiyaki]

3.25.2020 Day 10

In the last week and a half, I’ve discovered that under pressure, I am selfish and petty, myopic and narrow-minded, spiteful and cruel in ways I think only God could look at without a trace of condemnation in His heart towards me. I’ve never been more devastated by my sin and overwhelmed by an even greater measure of His grace.

Today was the first day since shelter in place began that I saw a glimpse of my best self again. I asked my coworker if he was doing well, and from his text back, I could tell he really was. In that moment, I felt so much love for him, and it made me genuinely happy that he’s doing well, even though I’m still far from understanding how to get there myself.

It hurts to love extravagantly in this season. I’m scared to do so. What does that look like for myself? What does it look like to do that for others? I had almost forgotten that those don’t have to be at odds with each other.

[tsukiyaki]

Discipline

A couple weeks back, my life group studied the Lord’s discipline in Hebrews 12:3-11. At the end, I testified about how I came into 2020 knowing it would be a year in which God would teach me discipline, and that through that, the Spirit would bear the fruit of self control in me. In the last 3 months, I have approached work, my relationship with God, and self care with more intentionality and discipline than I ever thought I was capable of. I shared about the fruit that has come out of this grueling season. 

But shortly after, a series of events unfolded that completely destroyed my newfound lifestyle.

Growth vs. perfection

I’ve noticed that whenever I testify publicly about something great that the Lord is currently doing in my life, that very thing seems to fall apart shortly after. When that happens, my first instinct is often to question the legitimacy of the word of my testimony and wonder if I’m just a fraud. Make one mistake, and every victory from before feels invalidated. I used to think this was purely spiritual attack. But now I wonder if perhaps it’s a test of my faith. It could very well be both, knowing that what the enemy wants to use for harm, the Lord has other plans for. 

This time, I looked at how easily that practice of discipline shattered in the face of adversity. As I pondered my feelings of shame and disappointment, I realized that I still desire/value a perfect record and the certainty of approval that comes with it more than the heart and character God is interested in developing in me through both success and failure. 

If I were to truly establish my complete identity in Him and boast in Christ alone, I could fail a million times and get back up again, knowing that I have nothing to lose and my failures can’t define me, because God uses them to continue to refine me. But I am still afraid of failure, because I do still have something to lose, something that He can’t protect me from, because I have not fully surrendered it to Him: an idea of myself, who I’d like to be, and where I’d like to be able to say I’m at.

I think the perfection of Christ comes from who He is, not what He did. If I am to be perfect as Christ is perfect, the first thing I need to be able to do is let God define “perfection” and understand what its source and measure truly are. Since He is always looking at the heart, it must start there. And since only He can change a heart, there’s really nothing I can do but let Him in and embrace however He wants to bring that change to pass.

Breaking down

Starting last week, the coronavirus situation has been wiping the floor with me. At first, I was very angry at how this virus made me feel imprisoned against my will. Basically everything I was looking forward to leading into the summer got canceled. If you remember from a few blog posts ago, it’s very hard for me to deal with change. There has been a lot of nonstop change. On top of all that, the week was also very emotionally demanding for different reasons.

So I was terrified. With what felt like very little preparation, I would soon have to navigate a world that has restricted access to human interaction. How could I do that and come to a point where I could accept that that is part of who I am and a legitimate need, but also know that even without that, Christ is sufficient for me? I couldn’t, as far as I was concerned. So I rebelled and self-sabotaged.

I threw discipline out the window. I did whatever it took to feel like I still had some semblance of control over my life, even if that control was over how I chose to destroy it (e.g. not sleeping, shutting God out, indulging emotional whims).

Turning back to God

It took me a few days of mistreating myself before I summoned up the will to seek accountability. After I sent a few friends an update on my situation, I laid in bed and reached for my phone. I think it has been months since I’ve turned to God for a “Spotify therapy session.” I put my worship playlist on shuffle, and He speaks to me through the songs. I realized that I had stopped because I thought it was a cheap way to connect with Him, that I was cheating in some way by not sitting myself down for hours, highlighters and pen in hand, solemnly deconstructing the Bible word by word to find Him instead. I still had this impression of what “seeking God” looks like based on the standard examples provided at church, and everything else just didn’t seem legitimate. But He continues challenging me to stop looking to other people to tell me how to live my life, stop waiting for someone else’s approval and affirmation before I can believe that I know anything, and to start trusting that I know how He leads me.

We often advise people to “give it to God” or “go seek the Lord,” but what does that really mean? Just like no two people relate to others in the same way, apart from God Himself, nobody knows better than you and I how we best connect with God. And while the Word and prayer are inevitable, they aren’t confined to retreating with a paper Bible or assuming a certain prayer stance. Finding comfort in God and hearing Him speak could look different for every person, and it’s our job to figure it out for ourselves. But across the board, I think what we’re really saying is whatever your method is, go do it so you can get a fresh revelation of Him, a fresh encounter, a moment of connection in which you step into His presence, encounter His glory, and watch it eclipse everything else. And that’s what happened to me over the course of 14 songs on Spotify. 

Spotify therapy

Before I pressed play, I was a shell of myself. I had no desire to do anything. I was defeated and desperate. I thought there was no way out of the suffocating circumstances I found myself in. Within an hour of listening to the Lord speak to me, I felt like I had risen on wings like eagles.

He opened my eyes to the fact that the same thing that's causing so much division and chaos right now may be the very thing that forces us to become tighter and more connected globally and in our own communities, if we want to survive. Because anything else that anybody could usually find their security in is being stripped away right now. What's left is a really good, honest look at where our hearts really are, and what is really worth building a life on that’s capable of sustaining us. The answer will be Jesus.

In my own life, I’ve seen in the midst of a much more demanding workload that being able to regularly be with people is something that matters as much to me as breathing. And when coronavirus threatened that and took it away, I threw a fit, because I felt out of control. I felt helpless and feared the pain of having my air taken away. I also felt guilty and scared that I seemed to have learned nothing about discipline, and that people were still an idol in my life. But when I finally chose to bring this all before God, He simply reminded me that I am fully provided for, and I actually believed Him. 

His love bolstered me. I remember those 14 songs and the message He spoke to me. He is my provider. I have all I need in Him. His love is my reward and the reason I keep pressing forward. I am not alone, and He goes before me to make a way. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me so much. He has already won this war. Even as I play my part and partner with Him, I walk in and towards certain victory. He has won my heart more than any other. There is no one more beautiful, more wonderful, more glorious than He. He is so much more than what I leave behind, so much more than anything I could ever lose, so I can afford to live this life to its fullest. I can love like I am unafraid of having my heart broken, because I can afford to love like Jesus loves. I do not have to stand here second-guessing myself and calling myself an idiot for caring too much. I can stand here confidently knowing His people are worth every fallen tear, worth facing any fear, worth the effort. And that includes me.

And whether it hurts like hell or the fight is won, I will praise the Lord, because He calls me to do so and says I can. So I will.

Getting back up

Even when everything felt like it was falling apart, the moment He showed me that He knows exactly what’s going on, nothing has changed between us, and He is so close that even without me telling him, he knows where I'm at--that was enough for me to stand back up and try again, without anything changing for the better in my circumstances.

Things didn’t stop at me feeling better about my life or myself. After being strengthened again, I went out and did what the enemy tried to stop me from doing: I praised God, I declared His truth with even more boldness than I had at life group, and I saw nothing but opportunity where there was once despair. I had not only found vision and purpose again, I heard His voice again, a voice that silenced every other. I reached out to my coworkers with newfound appreciation in my heart, and I made sure they knew how much they meant to me. I reminded a coworker of how when the darkness grows, the light shines ever brighter, and that is exactly the climate the world finds itself in with this coronavirus pandemic, and he too was encouraged and caught the vision. I had a great talk with another friend later in the day and was able to encourage and comfort him through his circumstances.

I sucked it up and stopped being angry that I would have to suffer for at least the next month and not get to connect with people in the easy, convenient way I’m used to. And I realized if the world won’t hand connection and community to me on a silver platter, fine, because God built me with the gifting and vision to make a silver platter of my own, even to be that silver platter for others, and that is enough.

When the war is won but the battles keep on

Honestly, I wish the testimony could end there, but it doesn’t. Just a few hours after all of those victories, I sunk back into an emotional pit. But things had changed, ever so slightly. I went to bed on time. I kept seeking accountability. I ended the day admitting that I was even further from perfection than I thought I was, yet I was somehow more accepting of where I was than before. And I took that as proof that I had grown. 

This week has been another week of trial by fire. It has been the hardest week of 2020 so far (I honestly didn’t think it could get worse than last week, but the record amount of tears I’ve shed prove me wrong), but not for the reasons I thought it would be. In just the last couple of days, I realized I’ve made several wrong conclusions in this very blog post about where I’m at and what I need or desire. But admitting that I’m wrong opened up the door to more growth, a very challenging and painful kind of growth.

And then it hit me: this is discipline.

The Lord loves me so so much, for He is disciplining me. Hebrews 12:3-11 could not be more real to me than it is right now. I didn’t waste the first 3 months of this year. I didn’t get thrown into this situation carelessly. God has been preparing me way ahead of time by getting me to a point where I could survive my current circumstances. He trained me in discipline that I could schedule and plan for, which was a step up from having none at all. But now, He is building discipline into my character. 

Character is something no storm in life could ever take from me. Character is what’s left when my habits and willpower are stripped away like they were this past week. I’ve got a long way to go, and I’m honestly not looking forward to it because it’s going to be painful. Hebrews promised me that much. But I want that yield of peaceful fruit of righteousness in those who have been trained by discipline. I want to be a child of God who has given Him everything, so that He can work in me to will and to work for his good pleasure, with no restrictions. I know, somewhere deep down inside me, this is all going to be worth it.

Please pray for me as I continue this arduous journey. I need it.

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Session 2

Meeting dates: 2.26 & 3.13

Originally, I was expecting to miss this cohort meeting and the next one. But thanks to the coronavirus, my scheduled trips were either postponed or cancelled. Bummed as I may have been about the trips, I’m really thankful that I don’t have to miss any of these sessions. 

Session 2 was a very different experience from Session 1. In short, it wrecked me emotionally in a very bad way, but that in itself set me on the right track to do some deeper soul searching and character building going forward.

My experience

At least half the cohort didn’t make it to this session. A didn’t make it out either, so his partner, J, guided us alone. We covered the 5 Voices (a simplified and more scalable model of the MBTI) and determined our leadership voice orders. Those of us called sherpas (who you can think of as guides-in-training under A and J) were asked to help our group members identify theirs. 

I had to step out in the middle to give a work presentation and unfortunately missed the content on 2 of the voices. I felt extremely tense the whole time as I sensed the moods of certain participants worsen at different points. I myself was fighting a growing sense of imposter syndrome for being a sherpa, especially after getting into just a bit of conflict with someone I was trying to help understand her voice order. This sense hit its peak when J told me after the session that A had said a lot of great things about me that I did not feel deserving of, and the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “He lied.” 

My first concern was that A would be mad at me for unintentionally attacking his character like this. And then a familiar wave of shame crashed over me as I realized I felt like an utter disappointment and a fraud because A wouldn’t lie, which suggested to me that I had failed him by not being able to live up to the person he thought I was. True to my tendencies as a primary Nurturer voice, it never occurred to me that perhaps my perception of myself was way off, and not his. As this is a revelation that has only just hit me, I can’t say I’ve made any progress seeing what he sees in me yet, but I will certainly be bringing this up in my next 1:1. 

I’ve definitely recognized this self-sabotaging tendency in me before, but I’m not sure I’ve ever believed that I can and should do something about it. I find it ironic that as someone who has spent most of my life trying to prove myself superior to others for a sense of security and self worth, one of the hardest things for me to do is believe that most of the time when I sell myself short, I’m the one who can’t see the truth, not everybody else who I think I’ve just somehow deceived into thinking better of me than I deserve. Growing up, the things I learned to value and seek in order to survive in the world have really undermined and disconnected me from my foundational leadership voice. Yet it’s crazy how even after all these years, now that I’m finally finding the guts to look beneath the layers of nurture and choice, I still find a Nurturer through and through. I’m really glad that it’s not too late to relearn how to be me.

Application

Since the last session, I’ve shared the support challenge matrix with 6 people. I asked 3 of my coworkers to plot me on the matrix (using scales of 1-10 for support and challenge) and provide actionable feedback on how I can be more of a liberator to them:

Lesia: 8 support, 6-7 challenge. Said that she really appreciates being given more context behind why I make the decisions I make when working with her and would prefer me err on the side of over-communicating. This was fascinating, as I tend to be the complete opposite and hate it when people tell me more than I ask to know. Clearing that up between us helped us both understand how to work better with the other person. She was also really interested in hearing more about what I learn through this cohort, which was really exciting for me to hear!

Dustin: At work, 6 support, 5 challenge. As a friend, 3-4 points higher each. Will get back to me on what higher support and challenge look like for him.

Ian: As a friend, 7 support, 7-8 challenge. Said that he’d appreciate it if I checked in on him more proactively. Quite profoundly pointed out that he believes the higher support I bring to him, the more fruitful the challenge I already naturally bring will be.

My homework for this session is to take 2 leadership insights for Nurturers and apply them. After writing this post, I’ve landed on these:

People chose you to lead because they believe in you. Act knowing that you belong.

When people challenge your views and opinions they are trying to help. It’s not a personal attack.

Next steps?

By 3/3: Ask A to help me figure out what I’m actually supposed to do to apply these attitude-based insights and what it looks like to have successfully applied them.

By 3/6: Share my experience with the cohort on Marco Polo.

By 3/8: Finish the homework A gave me for February without beating myself up for not finishing it on time or getting defensive about why I didn’t do so.

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Session 1

Meeting dates: 1.29 & 2.14

exposed

adjective

not covered or hidden; visible.

in a vulnerable position or situation.

When the Lord said He’s taking me out of hiding this year, I didn’t realize the first person who would want to stop Him would be the same person who couldn’t wait for Him to follow through: me!

I came into this leadership cohort thinking it would equip me to help other people by refining my natural skillset. I came out of the first session immensely humbled and challenged. They clarified quickly that we’re not going to spend very much time on what we’re already good at, because that’s where most people choose to make themselves at home and stop growing. No, we’re going to dive deep into the things we’re naturally bad at, understand why we’re so bad at them, and then take tangible steps towards growth together, so every single person is held accountable on their journey from “accidental” to “intentional” leadership.

I realized that becoming a leader worth following comes at a hefty cost, and it feels like I’ve been making payments ever since our session last Wednesday. We could erect a tombstone in the conference room I was in: Here lie the remains of my arsenal of defense and offense mechanisms (e.g. pride, anger, contempt, complacency) that once kept me safe from the world and myself. 1994 (my first memories) -- ____. 

Overview

GiANT, the company behind this entire cohort, seeks to provide a set of vocabulary through visual tools to create an objective, common language that will transform leadership cultures. The end goal is to transform anyone who is willing to do the work into a “100X leader,” someone whose leadership multiplies impact. 

Because I’m not sure if I can just post all their material here, I will forgo sharing the actual visual models. But I’m more than happy to sit down in person with anyone who’s interested and discuss anything below that catches your attention!

Visual: Support challenge matrix

We each create a culture of leadership defined by varying levels of support vs. challenge. The 4 possible kinds of cultures in this model are as follows:

Protect: High support, low challenge -> Culture of entitlement and mistrust

Dominate: High challenge, low support -> Culture of fear and manipulation

Abdicate: Low support, low challenge -> Culture of apathy and low expectation

Liberate: High support, high challenge -> Culture of empowerment and opportunity

The purpose of this cohort is to help us become leaders who Liberate, able to calibrate our levels of support and challenge to others based on what they need to grow into their fullest potential. However naturally, we all lean towards either Protect or Dominate. And when we stay in either one of those for too long, we may swing to the other. Eventually, it’s likely we’ll burn out and land in Abdicate.

Visual: 5 circles of influence

Imagine 5 concentric circles. From inside out, you have Self -> Family -> Team -> Organization -> Community. These are the 5 circles of influence within each of our lives. The impact of the leadership culture we create will always trickle from the inside out, but not necessarily vice versa. This is why it’s essential and most effective for us to Liberate the Self if we want to become liberators in the rest of our circles too. 

Takeaways

Although neither of these models were new to me, they gave me the framework I needed to describe the journey I’ve taken so far in each of my 5 circles of influence. I had more time to get a really clear idea of where my starting line is by answering the question, “What kind of leadership culture are you creating in each of the 5 circles of influence?”

Self: Because I dominate myself all the time, I swing to protect when other people challenge me. I am hard on myself, and in that hardness, I leave little room for grace and forgiveness of failures. As a result, I want to receive only support from others. I’m dependent on other people’s support, hoping that will fuse with the challenge I bring into liberation. But the result is instead a disastrous combination of me acting out of fear and manipulation to get their support, only to not truly trust what they have to say because I never had the guts to ask them for the full story. I’m too terrified of discovering the truth to ask for honest feedback. But this year, I finally feel ready to stop holding on to a facade of happiness and self-confidence. I want the real thing, which is why I’m on this journey. And I wouldn’t be here if not for the liberators who have shaped me and shaken me awake:

The Lord, our God, the greatest liberator of all time.

A for showing me it’s possible for another human being to uplift and love me the way God does, that even I can allow someone to challenge and push me without needing time to prepare for worst case scenarios because I trust it’s safe for me to fail around him. He spurs me on to consider it worth the cost to become someone who can do the same for others.

My last manager for helping me climb out of my pit of despair at work and turning 40 hours of my week into something life giving rather than soul sucking. She moved a mountain I thought was impossible to move, and now I am forgetting what impossible means.

Auntie C for showing me what it looks like to be a liberator as a wife, mom, and mentor.

Havilah Cunnington and Bob Goff for the example they’ve set with their lives. I can always return to their teachings, writings, and experiences when I need a reminder that the kind of life I want to live is possible, and I owe it to myself and the world to not settle for less. 

Family: Historically, I have swapped back and forth between abdicate and dominate in this circle. Because of how I dominate myself, I brought the same harsh standards to my family. When I challenged them ineffectively for years and saw no change, it was easier to remove myself from the picture and do the bare minimum to get by. Because I failed to liberate myself, I didn’t feel like I could afford to extend high support to them. But in 2018, I had a life changing conversation with my parents. This year, I had another breakthrough with one of my brothers. In both situations, I stepped up as a liberate both myself and them, and that gave them the chance to do the same. Today, I no longer feel aggressively defensive around my family. But I think I lean into my natural tendency to protect instead because I’m often afraid of disrupting the hard-won peace we now have. Still, there are more moments than ever before when I see glimpses of liberation in our household.

Team: In this circle, there’s a fork in the road. When we’re talking church team, this might be the circle in which I most clearly liberate. It’s my passion, I believe in what we do, I feel incredibly high support and challenge from them, so I naturally can return the same. If we switch to my work team, I would say for most of my career, I’ve externally abdicated but internally dominated. But my last manager was such an incredible liberator to me in the year we had together, amongst humans, I credit her for single handedly turning my career around. Ironically, after having to switch managers recently, fear of the unfamiliar and hurt from having to leave a leader I felt so loyal to left me swinging to externally protect and internally dominate. I hypothesize that whenever I feel like I’ve lost something good in my life or I’m afraid I’ll lose something, I’m afraid to challenge so I protect, and where there’s a lack of goodness, I withdraw support and dominate.

Organization: I consistently and intentionally abdicate on this level regardless of what context I’m in because I have some inherent distrust of organizations that I still haven’t dissected yet. Maybe my mind just can’t wrap itself around the idea of an organization, and it won’t stop being repulsed by the idea of “the politics” that come with anything big enough to be called an organization. Because there are so many faces in an organization, and I don’t know and respect and trust every single one of them, the idea of taking ownership seems like too much trouble to be worth it. So I end up not even trying.

Community: I think more than half the time, I liberate. The rest, I still protect. If I protect for too long, I eventually snap and dominate. And if I do that for too long, it turns into my family situation where I give up and abdicate. This is the circle that’s most influenced by whether or not I’m liberating myself first. My community is the circle I draw from for support. They’re the ones I try to draw from to balance out the challenge I bring to myself. So when I’m healthy and not expecting them to fix me, I desire nothing more than to be a liberator to them. At my best, I really hone in on the gold in each of them individually and dream of the impact we can make collectively, and it’s my life’s passion to play my part in bringing it out of them. Relationships are everything to me, after all. It’s probably the best and worst thing about me.

Application

Proactively seek out people to keep me accountable at work over my mentality (e.g. make sure I’m doing things like responding to my emails within 24 hours and not procrastinating out of fear or apathy). - When will I start this? By the end of this week. - To whom am I accountable? My cohort’s core group members and A. - Next steps? Ask the 2 coworkers I picked to keep me accountable. Every time I want to procrastinate, say out loud why what I do matters to me, and declare that I am competent and equipped to do my job well.

Introduce my manager to the support challenge matrix. Ask for feedback on how I can be a better liberator to her and my team. Give her specific feedback on how she can support me better so that I can receive her challenge.  - When will I start this? Last Wednesday - To whom am I accountable? A - Next steps? Report on Marco Polo to the cohort how this went and everything I learned from it. Talk to me privately if you want to know details!

Stop judging myself for having weaknesses and making mistakes. When I need help, admit it, and ask for help. - When will I start this? Immediately - To whom am I accountable? My accountability group - Next steps? Combat the judgment that comes into my head by speaking out loud the words of support I need to hear. Pray to figure out what I need, who can provide that for me, and then ask for it.

Using the support challenge matrix, ask 3 people who know me to varying degrees and in different contexts for feedback on how they see me, and what I can do to be a liberator to them. - When will I start this? By 2/12 - To whom am I accountable? RHW girls - Next steps? Figure out who the 3 people will be. Reach out to the first person to schedule a time.

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Prologue

Sometimes, dreams come in whispers, and those whispers don’t stem from selfish desires, but rather God’s promises. When that happens, God can answer even the prayers that you didn’t have the guts to put words to or wrote off as impossible or wishful thinking. His timing is perfect, so trust Him in the waiting. The days, months, or years it takes Him to set up the dominoes in your life are so worth it. When the time is right, everything falls into place in a way that will leave you in awe and unable to do anything but worship Him.

Tomorrow, I set out on a journey that He has been preparing me for over the last 3 years. It’s hard to surprise me, but God gets me every time--I was clueless to what He was up to until I found myself in front of an open door I never had to fight for. 

Pray for me, that I would take all that I learn from this leadership cohort and be fruitful, gladly yielding to His pruning throughout. Celebrate with me, for God has been good beyond measure. Read on if you want to know the full story!

November 11, 2016, I met A. Until the last year or so, I called him “Pastor A” (and sometimes referred to him half-jokingly as “Father A”), as most contexts in which I encountered him were within the church, with him at the pulpit.

In 2016, he spoke at a youth leadership retreat. The way he taught and spoke blew my mind--it was his understanding of how humans work, his uncanny ability to read all kinds of people and really get through to them, the way he ended every message with practical application exercises that grew all of us, students to young adults alike. Away from the pulpit, he was incredibly down to earth. I will never forget wondering, should I be concerned that the same man who left me awestruck moments ago with his preaching seems to have a lot of creative ideas about how to break into a car? Nah, this is way too entertaining. (Context: A was helping an uncle try to get into his locked car after said uncle lost his car keys.)

April 28-29, 2017, I couldn’t contain my excitement being under A’s tutelage again at counselors’ retreat. It was during this retreat that I learned about the company he works for, and the tools and models he uses to build leadership pipelines and empower people across all kinds of institutions, not just in the church. I was deeply unsatisfied by my career at the time. I felt lost and aimless in life. A shined like a beacon of hope, living proof that there could be something professionally worth doing in this world that actually connected to my passions. And then was born my unspoken prayer: How I would love to learn from him and do what he does one day. 

But you see, A doesn’t live in California, and I wasn’t planning on leaving. The competency gap between us was daunting. I had no reason to believe that out of all the people he met, he would take notice of little old me. Even if he did, why would he choose to invest in me? I decided to know my place and be grateful for the fact that he even remembered me and was willing to spare a few minutes of his precious time to check in on me over the upcoming years. 

At one point, he made me cry in public, and I thought it might be nice to not have that experience again--all the more reason to move on with life. (Context: He rebuked me for undermining my influence out of false humility as a group of friends standing to the side couldn’t help but listen in because what he was saying was that convicting, and it was the most loving correction I’ve ever received from a human being, but also embarrassing and really hard because criticism of any kind makes me initially feel like a failure.)

May 4, 2018, after a grueling 6 month interview process that in and of itself was a miraculous work of God, I signed the offer letter to my current company. Finally, I was a full time employee who would soon experience the full force of imposter syndrome and fear of selling out. But I also had the most clarity at this point in time that I was excited for this opportunity because I knew my purpose was to proclaim the gospel and establish His kingdom at work.

January 24, 2019, A somehow found my number (probably through my work profile) and texted me about coming to my company to start a leadership pipeline. He invited me to come to the introductory workshop on the 30th. I went. Even though it was material I’d already seen multiple times before, it still deeply impacted me. However, I decided not to join the 2019 cohort, and fell out of contact with A after February.

February 22-24, 2019, Ignite retreat. Pastor D, whom I also deeply respect and adore, returned for a second year as our speaker. I left retreat with 2 major takeaways: I need to journal, and I need mentors (plural). Pastor D taught me that mentorship comes in different forms, and paying to be part of a cohort or to take a leadership class is an option that I ought to be open to. The first thing I thought of was A’s leadership cohort, and I wondered if I had missed out. But I knew I hadn’t made a mistake, because I had no motivation to join that cohort, given that it was aimed at the specific context of developing me as a leader at my job, which was the last thing I wanted to invest more time into. Nonetheless, the importance of self awareness and guidance sat at the forefront of my mind for the rest of the year. 

June 11, 2019, I won’t explain in detail how serendipitous it felt on this day when God once again by no accident brought about a major turning point in my career. But this was the day that hope broke through. My manager started the process of helping me switch to a product I love. The transition happened officially on September 3rd. For the first time in 5 years, I actually found my job life-giving. I started to see a future here that I wanted to invest in.

October 7, 2019, I don’t remember exactly how this happened, but I suddenly realized I really missed A. I texted him to check in, half expecting to be ignored because of how long it had been (clearly, I still had issues believing that he cared about me, which now that I think about it, was probably because I hadn’t been useful to him for months, and my core Enneagram fear is that nobody would want me around if I’m not useful). I happened to check in right after he had completed his 2019 cohort, just in time to be invited to another kickoff meeting. The thought of mentorship was swirling through my mind again, and I realized I was in a place of genuine interest in joining the 2020 cohort. However, the financial barrier was holding me back. I was planning on buying a new car, I’m still paying for my Invisalign, and I just didn’t know if I was willing to take another hefty sum out of my budget.

November 13, 2019, I missed the entire kickoff meeting due to work, but I dropped by at the end to say hi anyway. All my fears and anxieties about being forgotten or unwanted melted away, and I realized on this day how much of a mentor figure A already is in my life. I told him afterwards that ever since I met him, he has shown up consistently at key moments/turning points in my life and given me the push I need to move forward. His existence reminds me that God sees me and takes care of me. He told me he’d be around again in December and actually have time to catch up, which is rare, given how packed his schedule usually is. He also encouraged me to consider joining the cohort this time. I promised to think about it.

December 10, 2019, we caught up over a casual dinner, during which A learned just how ridiculous my work life balance has historically been, how I believe that my experience has been unique because God has graciously given me all the time I need to fulfill His missional purpose for me at work, and how my passion lies in championing the people around me. Having heard my story, he went full big picture mode and basically told me to not only join the 2020 cohort, but to do so as his apprentice, that he may raise me up to one day be able to do what he does. He addressed every barrier I once had, and they were no longer an issue. The dominoes fell. 

My mind short-circuited as it took some quantum leaps down memory lane (imagine all the details in this blog post and more crashing into my brain at the same time). A stared at me expectantly, slightly amused but mostly confused as to why I was not visibly excited, but rather either at a loss for words or spewing nonsensical protest coming from a place of not feeling worthy of this offer. Honestly, I was in extreme shock that God would not only do the bare minimum of turning my unspoken prayer from years ago into a possibility, but that He went the extra mile to meet every condition that I added on top of that prayer before making it a reality. 

I helplessly looked to my friend sitting next to me to help me make sense of what just happened. He said something along the lines of, “Why are you looking at me? I think this is a great idea!” I still hit the brakes as gently as I could and told A I needed time to process, and I would officially confirm my participation with him only after I talked to my manager. 

I got manager approval the next day. 

Tomorrow, January 29th, will be our first cohort meeting. I hope to document this journey, my lessons and takeaways, so I don’t forget them, and so that I have a record of God placing down the next set of dominoes in my life.

[tsukiyaki]

rolling with the punches

Hiding in my new work building, I indulge in the coziness of being tucked away in a corner by a huge window that looks out on trees against a blue sky. The armchair around me is tall enough to shield my face from view. A good friend and coworker just walked by, completely oblivious to my presence--I like this.

Yesterday, we moved into a newly renovated building, our team’s new home. We even had a ribbon cutting ceremony to welcome us into the building. Next door is a newly renovated cafe with daily fresh-squeezed juices and smoothies--the highlight of my meals. I overheard a group of girls admiring the facilities today: “I have no idea what they’re serving, but I had to drop by. This place is beautiful.”

In practically every way, this move has been a major upgrade, down to the new colors of our desks and the tasteful design and placement of our trash cans. I certainly never heard of anyone going out of their way to visit my old cafe for its food or decor. I’m happy about a lot of these changes, and I was visibly excited for much of yesterday too. But today, the rest of my emotions hit me like a brick wall. I admire people who love to embrace change. I wonder what it’s like--do they truly not feel even a fraction of the deep sorrow that eats away at the bottom of my heart? If so, I’m sure my predicament seems just as incomprehensible to them as their eagerness seems to me. But I do know that it’s good for both kinds of people to exist in this world. 

I used to feel like my change-aversion was a handicap that doomed me to falling behind in the fast-paced environment all around me. Now I see that change can be good, even for me, and I don’t have to like it right away to embrace it graciously. I just need to be conscious of the fact that I need to take a few extra steps compared to some other people in order to thrive in the face of change. The first step is setting aside time and space to grieve what was lost or left behind. I give myself permission to set my own pace, and recognize I can afford to keep that pace, whatever the cost may be to resist the status quo. My well-being is of utmost priority. I am convinced that everybody’s lives in the long run will benefit from my unwavering commitment to taking care of myself.

I’m currently disheartened by how much change I have had to face in the workplace leading up to this move, and how much more is guaranteed to come down the line. I’m tired of having to deal with change that I never asked for, tired of just barely settling into a sweet spot, only to be displaced shortly after and start all over again. I’m upset that these unsolicited changes have muddied the waters, leaving me mildly in dread of good changes that I was once looking forward to. I wish I could have celebrated the move to this building for longer without having to face the relational challenges that recent leadership changes have created. 

And yet, in the midst of this, I smile to myself knowingly, because of course an upset in my relationships would override everything else. At the end of a tough day, I find comfort in recognizing that I am still who I know myself to be. The unpleasant weight of these emotions reminds me that my heart remains genuine and soft, proof that I have grown stronger.

Given a recent increase in workload, this blog post was not part of my regimented schedule for the day. For that, I am grateful too. To know that the Lord is the one who makes it possible for me to take time to invest in myself. Delaying deadlines, bringing on extra help, simplifying the request, removing the obstacle entirely, changing my attitude, giving me peace and confidence, suddenly downloading solutions into my brain--these are only some of the ways I’ve seen Him make a path through the mighty waters for me at work. 

I can’t resent this job or paint myself as its victim when I recognize how mightily God has used it and continues to use it to empower me and secure my trust in Him. I merely recognize that I am both far from perfect and far from hopeless. And embracing that position in life has led me closer to His heart and His ways than ever before.

[tsukiyaki]

2010-2019: Homecoming

It’s that time of year again. I feel the itch to write some grand recap post of 2019. Part of me wants to comb through my journal entries, calendars, text messages, even budget sheets to list out every little and big thing worth noting. But I’d probably never finish. I would’ve liked to have blogged more often throughout the year to save me from feeling like too much had gone unwritten. But I think everything worth sharing, I did share at some point with somebody I wanted to share with. So what’s left to do but to reflect on not only the year, but the decade too?

2019 was epic. No words can capture all the victories and losses, celebration and heartbreak, that came with it. It is a year seared into my mind and body, heart and soul, character and spirit. It was the last year of the most formative decade in my life so far: I started out a few months into my walk with God, graduated high school and college, and have been in the workforce for 5 years now. I still remember how impossible it seemed right out of college to accumulate professional experience. Every job I looked at seemed to want at least 2 years of experience. How was I supposed to get that if nobody wanted to give me a chance? When I finally did get my first job out of college, it seemed even more impossible to last 2 years. If there’s anything I’ve learned through my career, it’s to never project where I’ll be in the future based on where I’m at today, especially not based on how limited I may feel today. 

I’ve learned that it is okay to struggle with, even hate, where you’re at. Even when you know it’s in God’s good and perfect plan, even if it started off as a gift that pulled you out of a darker place, even if you know deep down you will always be thankful for that gift because what came before was so much worse, it doesn’t make your current struggles less legitimate or acceptable in the eyes of God. For me, obedience often looks like choosing to stop judging myself and others for things that He would give us grace for instead, and then to receive that transforming grace. Grace and His loving kindness have been the starting point of every major milestone in these last 10 years. I understood a lot less about both for the first 7. That’s probably why I feel like I’ve grown more in the last 3 years than all previous 7 combined. 

I’ve learned how to be present and fully accept myself and my circumstances, embracing both the greatest good and the most heart-wrenching bad, understanding that neither cancels out the other. I am now better at being still and connecting to every aspect of how I’m doing without trying to calculate where I’m at as a mere average of my highs and lows. I’ve learned that I have a lot more say than my emotions once led me to believe in what my perspective on and approach to life are. I’ve chosen to stop looking at life as a zero-sum game, because God’s kingdom runs on a reverse economy to that of this world. I’ve formed better habits, built on a foundation of knowing my worth and taking joy in the responsibility God has given me to love myself well, so that I can love others well, so that my life becomes a reflection of how He loves. 

I started this decade moving to the opposite side of the country to escape what never felt like home. I spent the majority of it searching for acceptance, love, a way to escape loneliness, pain, and fear. I got lost and had to start over countless times.

I end this decade having grown deep roots in places where God has invited me to make myself at home. Through the never-ending transitions and changes, after all the curve balls and lemons life threw at me, I’ve come out stronger and fuller than ever before as God continues to obliterate the chains of my past.

For most of my days before 2010, I wanted to live solely in my dreams and fantasies. One big reason I chose to stay alive back when I struggled with depression was because I would see no more dreams if I died. Even then, death was a thought that often relieved me, because life was too much to bear. I never imagined then that there would come a time when on my worst day, I would still choose reality over fantasy. 

Where I am today is no fairy tale ending, not even a fairy tale pitstop. It’s part of a journey of blood, sweat, and tears (so many tears) that continues in 2020. And I am so grateful for all of these, because they are real, and I only get one lifetime to experience them, learn from them, and glorify God through them. 

This life is a gift that only those of us on this side of eternity can take hold of. It is also an offering that only we can bring to the Lord. Above all else, this is the conviction I carry into 2020.

My prayer: that I may forsake houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property for His sake, that I may not forsake my Lord, Emmanuel.

[tsukiyaki]

Only in Pokémon ...

... is it perfectly normal for a mother to lose her child on vacation at an island they’ve never been to before, and react with a mere, "Oh?" ... is it perfectly normal in the span of a few hours tops for a small boy to have enough stamina and gall to ride and fall off a "jet ski,” race down a sandy beach quickly enough to generate sand clouds behind him, recover from 3rd degree burns to the face in seconds, get lost in a forest, almost die from being chased by a bear that breaks trees along the way with a smack of its palm, then keep running to follow a flying dragon to the exact location his mother will be at too. ... is it perfectly normal for said boy to jump a fence into someone else's property, and for the only concern of the people inside to be that they ran him over with large bulls. The aftermath? Just a few dirty hoof marks all over his clothes. Couldn’t even tell the difference between them and a few lip stick stains! ... is it perfectly normal for said boy to mistake a man who is five shades darker in skin tone and has at least 12 inches more hair for the professor he’s know for decades and just saw a few days earlier. ... is it perfectly normal for a fire blast to look like it had a radius the size of an entire school grounds but only leave a tiny radius of damage where it happened to knock out only the target Pokémon and leave everything and everyone else a few inches away untouched.

A world that runs on serendipity--I still love it.

(Don’t believe me? Check out episode 1 of Pokémon the Series: Sun and Moon on Netflix :P)

[tsukiyaki]

stay in your lane

Monday, December 9th. I was driving home after prayer meeting. Waiting at the intersection, I noticed the light for the left turn lane turn green. 

As I made a snarky remark to God about how even the traffic lights were festively red and green (I despise the color combo), He asked: Why aren’t you moving?

Why would I move? My light is still red.

Why don’t you switch to the other lane to keep moving?

Because the other lane isn’t going to get me to where I want to go.

You could eventually get home if you make a left here.

Yeah, but that’s so inefficient! I’d just be wasting time. You can’t just move for the sake of moving. That’s pointless, isn’t it?

Can you remember that and apply it to every leg of your journey in life?

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Living is a lot like driving. You go from point A to point B, and you respect certain guidelines to avoid certain death. My traffic light chat with God got me thinking:

Before we’re legally allowed to get on the roads, we need to learn the rules of driving, and we’re generally expected to abide by them! Likewise, I need to know God’s instructions clearly and be ready to follow them as if my life is on the line. What do red or green mean? How do I tell if He says stop or go? These are things that have answers, and those answers are of utmost importance for me to find.

Waiting is the obedient and wise decision to make when the light is red. 

When the light turns green, it’s time to get moving. 

Stopping on green or moving on red both have unwelcome consequences.

Before I get in the car, I need to figure out where I’m trying to go. It’s a lot harder to get distracted when I know my purpose/direction. 

Moving for the sake of feeling like I’m going somewhere can lead me further from my destination than if I had the patience to wait on the path I’m supposed to be on.

This is different from deciding that I just want to go for a drive with no particular destination in mind. That too is purpose-driven.

While driving, I need to know where I am, and what my current instructions/guidelines are. Ain’t no driver got time to keep track of every other lane on the road.

I’ve had times when I almost hit the gas because the next light over turned green while mine was still red.

I’ve also admittedly had times when the light I just passed was green, and I almost didn’t notice another light right after was red.

Nobody would think twice to tell me these are bad moves while driving, and I need to focus more. Their metaphorical equivalents, whatever they may be, are just as dangerous when living.

If I get lost or make a wrong turn or run out of gas, I can still eventually get to where I need to go if I’m willing to reroute and follow the new set of instructions. I guess I also have to trust that the instructions are reliable.

God’s the best GPS.

Jesus can even take the wheel sometimes.

But true love and empowerment is ultimately going to teach me how to drive and develop my hippocampus.

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But God, seriously, why are you teaching me important life lessons at traffic lights, of all places?

You think that was weird? Buckle up. There are more to come.