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A day with the nephews 💕

I hope I can make him a dad one day.

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IVF funding application has been sent, we are moving forward finally!!!

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💙🧡💚

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Our scales are wrong so Joe's BMI is still too high (by about 5lbs) so we still can't send the application 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

Ironically my BMI was lower than I thought because I'm taller than I thought I was 😂

Anyways, he's going to be on a strict diet and then we'll go back in a month.

I'm so tired

They did say that if funding is accepted, we'll likely start in June so 🤷🏻‍♀️ that's something

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Opted for a baby grow 🤷🏻‍♀️

Decided to do that really lame Instagram/old wives tale thing of wrapping up a baby blanket and putting it under the tree.

Like a show of faith more than anything.

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Decided to do that really lame Instagram/old wives tale thing of wrapping up a baby blanket and putting it under the tree.

Like a show of faith more than anything.

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Appointment done ✅

Doctor remembered us and has put a rush on our application, sent me immediately for the blood tests I need and said I'll get a call in 3 weeks, to book an appointment to send over our IVF application?

So I feel weird and almost hopeful for the first time in years and even if ivf doesn't work, at least I can like... close out that chapter and get therapy.

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Got my first appointment again, 19th December.

Help

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Not to be dramatic but infertility is so horrendously and constantly traumatising, that I do not think I am ever going to fully recover from the things I go through on a daily basis - I think my brain has been broken.

And I have no good outlet because it is so depressing and sad, so people ask and I'm like oh yeah no it's fine, it is what it is, just rolling with the punches, taking it day by day, you know how it is.

But its been 6 years and my brain is just full of incoherent anger and screaming and I am not the person I would have been and that hurts.

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Not me doing ovulation tests again, like some fresh faced ttc-er

Maybe I've just been doing it wrong for 6 years, and I'll do it right now and get pregnant.

I'm sure that is what'll happen.

I love being delusional, it is the only thing that stops me from constantly breaking down.

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Me: it's okay if I don't ever have a baby, I'll be okay

Also me: if I don't have a baby by the end of 2025 I will kill myself

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Doing fine until I see a pregnancy announcement and then hit with a crippling sense of fear and anxiety and absolutely falling apart. That's where I'm at.

Also the timing of it always being the first day of my period when I see one need to be studied.

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13.09.2024

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Finally got my wedding outfit sorted - just need to get a necklace and my hair dyed 😂🙃

Focusing on how excited I am to get married and not the mess my head feels at the moment, just lots going on and feeling really lonely and sad 🙃

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Our referal got accepted, whatever happens I'm going to do IVF at some point 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

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Joe's sister had a baby, and has called him "Joey" with no prior discussion and I find it so weird????

Not a middle name, or even like it's in honour of him or whatever.

It has irked me

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I do not get enough credit for how cool and chill I am these days about the fact I'm properly going to end up childless.

Like I barely even cry about it anymore.

My entire life is constantly filled with reminders and here I am, functioning, not screaming, crying, throwing up about it.