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Mistakes made and damage done. There will always be sadness and just a little bit of bitterness and hard feelings, but all the good memories and love you had given me were more than all I could ask for. The worst part of holding memories is not the pain or sadness that lingers but the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared. I hope you'll always keep these memories with you too. Today, I hold no hatred towards you, but in fact, I'm grateful for everything you had done for me. These 3 years together were really one of the best times in my life, and always will stay as the best memory. In my heart, you will always be that great person whom I had watched you grow from Roy to Meldon, and whom I shared so much beautiful good times with.

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It's 3am and Christmas day I'm exhausted beyond words after a long day of morning yoga and last minute Christmas shopping among the insane crowd. Insane is ultimately an understatement...! Anyway anyway the presents are still left unwrapped and unfinished all over my room as I spent my Christmas eve at my uncle's wake - no pun intended. Uncle TC was a great man and now he's joined my daddy in heaven... RIP x This Christmas spent remembering uncle TC not just makes me cringe as I've never thought about how soon I had to attend a funeral of someone close again but also reminds me of how short and fragile life is. May everyone keep this kind of spirit everyday and not just on Christmas day. Love!

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These 4 months made me forget how happiness feels like again. Today, there was pure happiness sitting in the car going at 220km/h and with the windows of the color of our breaths. Beautiful and almost hard to catch my breath since I haven’t quite experienced the same feeling for many months, but my heart still sang a sad song that reminded me of something I once knew—in fact, knew just not long ago. I’m taught to be careful, of not allowing someone else to break me down like that again. Flashbacks, brushed them off. Tears, wiped them off. This sad song will always be lingering on my skin, but sometimes all we need is to give it some time till we finally break free and say, oh how much I’ve missed you, but you suck, don’t you dare come back again.

These 4 months made me realize I can trust no one more than myself, my own instincts. I spent the past 4 days wallowing in misery and heartaches exactly like the past 4 months, even during one of the best moments like welcoming my precious niece to this world. For every single thing that has happened recently, daddy’s the first person that came to my mind. Uncertainty has been killing me and keeping me wide awake at night but big decisions and surprising changes I see. Questions remain and trust lost, one thing clear in my head is not to lose my sense of self. For it would seem that, in order for one to drink more fully from the fountain of pleasure, it has given us the indescribable force to control the future a little after being susceptible to pain and lessons learned. It may be an overnight thing to come to this decision that I never thought I would come to, but it does bring a more positive mind for the control of future. I’m learning to go deeper and look more into this life of mine.

These 4 months made me replace love with fear. Looking within, I realized I have been like an onion. As I grow and things happen, pain comes. Little things, bad things. Watched my daddy die of a cardiac arrest right before my very eyes, a once perfect family ended up quite broken and lost, went through the next three months getting my heart broken a hundred times with endless tears every single night and morning, with close ones taking my trust that had been built up over years for granted thinking I’ve healed when I haven’t but been accumulating hurt and pain in myself. Instead of accepting the cruel reality and letting go of all unhappiness to give way for happiness that I very much deserve, I spent another few nights crying after deciding that I never want to feel all that again. This is how fear is created — fear of experiencing the same pain, so a thin layer of protection was formed from the core to protect me as long as to shield from life’s uncertainties and unfair treatment thrown at me while I naively suck it all up. Started out with a thin layer of protection, but slowly another layer. and another layer. and another. Like an onion, I formed many layers of protection even without realizing it myself, and that’s how insecurity always bites and the heart will never be at peace.

These 4 months made me learn so much, a painful yet valuable lesson of my life. Learned that life is as fragile as dreams, and what more than to embrace every moment and to take the slack up. A cardiac arrest took my daddy away in less than 10 seconds for me to even say I love him more than ever, and that goes to show how much we all need to cherish. Cherish, such a strong word yet no one takes notice of. - - - Learned that I should never give my all on anyone who doesn’t cherish me and who makes me feel insignificant and worthless, that even though the past happy times outweigh the unhappy ones but I will always still place my happiness first before all the others. Learned that when I'm struggling hard to move upward in this downslope in life and clueless on the destination before I even get on the road, there will eventually be guidances to direct me -- however, my own perseverance and peace of mind have to be under control. Learned that such small details in every aspect of life if were to be concerned for then every single day must at least have included a bit of misery that's well brought to own self. There are so many lessons to achieve happiness, and I've only just started on my learning journey.

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I’ve had many signs, many lessons learned and all these wild thoughts that go nowhere. At least from this moment onwards, I know trust is all I need to grasp hold of and honesty is all you need to attain. Maybe I’ve mistaken that you’re much stronger than anybody else, but all this love you’ve shown onto everyone beside you now wither into nothing but bad luck on yourself and I wonder how is it so hard for me to look away and not bother about staying with you till the end. My anger and your hesitance to explanation had always clouded my senses, but I have told myself to be patient, fine and balanced. It takes a little risk, so much heartbreak and tears and even to temporary lose our minds to figure out what exactly is love. Don’t worry, we will grow together. All we need is time; time to figure out ourselves, time to be afraid and to love, and time to forgive and forget.

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Beautiful little children between the ages of 5 to 10, some of whom had not even learned how to read, and never will get to enjoy the pleasures of reading a book. Heart-broken parents at the other side of the world who have taken down the Christmas ornaments and staying home to hold a funeral for their child they never thought they would outlive.

The 14th of December, the grief of the parents without their sons and daughters and the traumatized children who witnessed their best friends killed. Christmas every other year will never be the same again for the affected families and friends in this dysfunctional society. I know how it feels like--cowered in fear and overwhelmed with sadness 4 months ago when I looked at my daddy without a heartbeat and how painful it was when I thought about, and still do, my 21st birthday, festive occasions, my wedding and everyday without him. Still, I'm getting stronger by day. May God bless and heal the brokenhearted ones, my thoughts are with them. 

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Extraordinarily happy to hear you talk about buying me my favorite Peter Rabbit in your sweet dream, and even searching meticulously for the one I showed you from my phone - - Annoyingly happy to hear you call me all kinds of nicknames and reject all my cuddles and kisses but secretly wanted them - Such good times please last

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thankful for today / smile smiles smiling smiled since august this year / you wanted me to sing in the car / i haven't been blushing / took me to a chinese restaurant / lovely, dark and deep novel / in a tea mood yeah you rejected my tea / happiness oh happiness, this feeling might be just temporary because good things come to an end / christmas ornaments sales - festive mood / poor boy got dewclaw stuck while fur grooming / a tad heartbreak / i will bring this brave boy to the vet when i wake up in the morning / fast food for dinner and cuddles / december rain and more cuddles / cut 'em stubby toe nails and pluck 'em fast growing eye brows, they can be my favorite things to do too / there are many things on my mind but i can't say it all / all is happy, happy thoughts / kepwksqnjajjwkwkejsns // // / / thank you // you broke my little heart so much but you always fixed it back just perfectly

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WABI SABI Scandinavia

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It’s the first day I am trying, after being blinded by my own oblivion—ever so full of myself and everything to be revolved around me. It doesn’t take a night for one to completely change for the better, so give me time.

I was just a tad disappointed seeing that little book still lying on the same spot in the car, it’s a book that matters a lot to me and I was hoping you’d have read it. I can’t hide the pain, you should’ve seen it scrawled on my empty face—or maybe you did not notice.

I’m just sitting around in bed, not sure if I should respond to your text messages because I’m not sure if it’s what you’re waiting for. I’m just waiting for the whole thing to go one way or the other, till love comes back to me whilst I continue to put in my best effort.

It’s the first day, and I think I’m doing great, but I’m not sure if it’s what you want. Or, if you even bother to pick up that book lying in the car for days.

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“When I wake up earlier than you and you
 are turned to face me, face
 on the pillow and hair spread around,
 I take a chance and stare at you, 
amazed in love and afraid 
that you might open your eyes and have 
the daylights scared out of you. 
But maybe with the daylights gone
 you’d see how much my chest and head
 implode for you, their voices trapped 
inside like unborn children fearing 
they will never see the light of day. The opening in the wall now dimly glows 
its rainy blue and gray. I tie my shoes
 and go downstairs to put the coffee on.”

“Glow,” -- Ron Padget

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Why is it that every time I decide to look on the brighter side, or that I'm realizing my own darkness to deal with your darkness, you move further away. Just like you, my patience is wearing thin with this love missing. Sometimes it takes a second for that hatred inside of you to grow, and sometimes I will hate too. But all these words, aren't they enough to prove my darkness and your weakness. You opened up my eyes and made me realize last night. I told you about it before I rested my eyelids for the night, but when I woke up, you were gone. It took me so long and been through so much to learn how to love myself and even try for you, for us, I do not have all that time and energy to convince someone else anymore. It's cold and a rainy season, lovers are wrapped in hand knit scarfs and warm cuddles but I'm spending my December thinking of the remaining words to say and to warm up my cold heart. If you could understand that this weak human life of mine is as full of sorrows and heartaches as your own, how much better would this world get. I'm in love with that pair of hands, that I can recognize just by touching and not with my sight. Why, why is it that every time I decide to look at you, this distant star, you fade into the night sky--dazzling, but further and further away from me, like you are slowly losing existence. Every one's just looking for reasons to wake up to every morning, some do it for a kiss, a lover's smile or a cup of coffee brewed to perfection. Some others have a harder time, in search for a long time, with no hand to hold and no words left to say. I am a bit of both, still looking for a reason but it's hard to grasp with my blurry vision. I was tempted to be merciless, especially with all my true feelings all these years but why didn't I deserve even a faint trace of remorse or an apology even if there is really nothing to be sorry for. My heart has shattered a hundred times this year, but the heart, it is still the toughest of all muscles. Tell me, what have I really done than this faint heart of mine to pump and scarcely falter along the way just for you. Forgive me, I'm only human. I am tired... tired of being around here for so long. I want to go out for a walk, take a breather and not think at all, but I don't have a destination.

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You made a mistake, and I did too. My mistake was to feel so vulnerable and messed up, pierced through my skin and being dragged to hell and felt a little better but to be like this tonight—all over again. Yet another sad night where headache acts up and tears flow faster than my thoughts are accumulating for the night. What happened to that vow when I first stepped into your life and took a curious peek at everything that had happened. I told myself, “it’s okay if no one in this world loves you, because I will.” And I will, I will be here to protect and listen to you. Why should there be pain? We’ve always been best friends, haven’t we? Just that we kind of lost ourselves on the way. We both crossed the wrong path, but now chance is right in front of us and we’re here again. I promise. I promise. I promise I will.

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December 7. Nothing will ever hurt more than 2012. All I thought about throughout my first tattoo across the ribs, inked deep in me, are only the two men in my life. They’re worth every of my time and heartbeats. So much sadness, insanity. So “This too shall pass” shall keep me reminded for life about how I’ve walked through this difficult phase that has driven me to desperation the first time and gotten stronger. My heart like a secret garden and walls are high, but this too shall pass will accompany me through the remaining of my life as I grow up. That sounds quite good and I’ve always been a huge fan of ‘moving forward’ x Good night.