tumultuoustwinkie-blog

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Another Reflection

It’s been quite a while. 

Given the current state of life right now, it’s hard to believe what I was up to just over a year ago the last time I wrote something on here... honestly it’s hard to believe what I was up to just a month and a half ago.

However, I definitely can’t say that I have been hating this time of quarantine. I think people on the internet are definitely right when they say that this is truly the prime time for one to really step back, reflect, and improve themselves. I think in a sense, this is the time I was waiting for- it just kind of hit out of nowhere which is why I don’t think I was emotionally prepared for it just yet. 

I think I’ve come to realize that I am different from other people. I don’t want to sound contemptuous or presumptive, but while it is certainly true that technically everybody is different in their own way, I feel different from my peers. It’s kind of alienating at times- I think that it can get difficult at times to comprehend what ground others stand on, and nowadays I have found that it can also get difficult to tolerate. 

I don’t like this feeling though. Am I destined to come to the realization that all of my friends are inherently slightly irritating to me at times? I don’t like that at all. I love the people I have chosen to surround myself with... most of the time. Other times I am simply filled with doubt and irritation. Hopefully I am better than I think I am at masking it... I don’t want to seem fake but at the same time I don’t think I’ve found a single other person who matches my- I don’t even know exactly what it is- maturity level? Way of thinking? Views on life?

Of course this is not really the end of the world- I also haven’t gotten the chance to get super super close with many people (or maybe any people...?) just yet either- come to think of it there may well be people who are like me who are already in my life- I just haven’t discovered them just yet. 

This could probably be the main reason why I haven’t gotten into a relationship yet. I can’t find anybody to level with, and I haven’t really bothered to try. I think it kinda traces back to me making surface level judgements too quickly and rolling with them. 

I don’t know how to fix this. It’s times like these when I feel alone and jealous of other people- I hope it doesn’t show. I doubt I’m actually jealous either- I’m simply jealous of the idea of finding someone who is similar to you. But I also don’t regret waiting for someone better to come along. 

Not sure where this is coming from, quarantine has given me a lot of time to reflect upon myself, and quite possibly caused me to spend too much time with the same people which is why I’m a bit excited to go home.

Hopefully I don’t tire of my family too quickly either, there’s still 4 months of summer. 

See you next time, probably next year.

[tumultuoustwinkie-blog]

I’m Back Bitches

I’m just going to go ahead and pretend I actually have an audience on this platform and address you all as a collective in order to clear my thoughts and un-weigh my mind a little bit.

Thank you for listening in advance- or in this case, reading I suppose.

I really really do not understand myself. It is so like me to engage in some sort of self destructive behavior for a hot ass second, being all like “fuck this shit I do what I want”, and then not even half a blink of an eye later I end up hating myself and filled with regret. For example, after attempting to be as healthy as possible for the last two weeks, I literally just binged so much sugar and carbs and unhealthiness at midnight alone in the kitchen. Now I feel so shitty and I just want to turn back time to make those calories go away but obviously I can’t. Then I went on a brief social media stalking bender and ended up hating my life and myself even more. 

I feel really empty sometimes. To the point that it often scares me how empty I feel and what that might mean. I’m proud of myself in the sense that I am at least somewhat self-aware and am taking small steps to try to understand where this emptiness comes from and what I can do to combat that in my head, but I at the same time I know I’m simultaneously also trying to avoid delving too deep into it and thus realizing there might really be something very wrong with me. I think that’s the reason why I need to voice out my thoughts in this manner from time to time- it’s me slowly allowing myself to divulge exactly what I’m feeling at the moment and hence allowing myself to see my thoughts and feelings right in front of me to help me understand them better.

[tumultuoustwinkie-blog]

Thoughts

It seems to me that I always have a lot of real heavy stuff weighing on my mind, so why not release it into the world completely anonymously and let it live forever on the internet?

Yup- sounds wonderful.

Frankly I don’t really care who reads this. I'm probably never going to come back to it ever again after pressing post. Heck I’m not even gonna proofread it, I’m just gonna give zero shits! 

As I literally just said, I have found literally my entire existence being dragged down by some heavy ass thoughts for a long time now. I’m not gonna lie, I definitely struggle with the weight of them sometimes, partially because it feels like I’m the only one dealing with this kinda bullshit. Of course that’s a super huge conclusion to be jumping to, especially since it is almost certainly not true. But I don’t really know, I just haven’t been feeling like myself for a while now. But maybe I wasn’t ever “myself” in the first place before I started having these thoughts? I don’t know.

Last year I thought I had depression. It was really strange, and truthfully I’d rather not delve deep into figuring out exactly what it was. I just know that I felt unbearably sad pretty often, and as awful as it is to think about it again, there were definitely some times where I wondered what it would be like if I jerked the wheel to the right as I was driving over a bridge and stomped on the gas. 

Like I said, I’d rather not think about it right now and even though I probably have zero audience, I’m just gonna divert myself away from that particular topic. 

I’ve been doing much better ever since I graduated though- the PC part of my wants to say that it’s because I’ve “grown and matured” as a person but I know it’s because I successfully (!!) managed to cut a whole lot of bullshit out of my life. 

Yeah, I’m pretty proud of myself for that. 

But I also have to wonder why? Why did I have to have a sudden “epiphany” of sorts last year and thrust myself into a whirlpool of loneliness and confusion? I’m glad it happened obviously, but it’s weird to think that maybe not everyone has had this particular epiphany yet and maybe some people never will. 

Do I really pity them though? What people know can’t hurt them right?

I think that this epiphany- which is undefinable and unquantifiable by nature- extends a lot farther than just the people in my life however. I find myself questioning a lot more things that I used to. My relationship with my culture/background. Body image. Family. Relationship-relationships. Fucking capitalism. How all of these things somehow manage to tangle themselves together and make me question literally everything and throw me into a sad, confused mess sometimes. 

If there was one wish that I could have granted, I’d ask for the ability to be able to understand myself better. 

Maybe this is all what naturally happens on the way to finally understanding oneself. Maybe I’m not an anomaly for constantly feeling all weird and sometimes all sad and for questioning everything. I don’t know. 

That’s definitely something I say pretty often.

Because I really don’t know. 

As expected, this makes absolutely no sense and is basically so noncohesive to the point I could categorize it as a stream of consciousness.

That’s what it is though- I really just took all of those weighty thoughts and slapped their stupid asses straight onto this virtual piece of paper. 

Imma do this more often. It feels really good. 

Peace out!

To: Literally nobody

From: A real confused gorl who is confused about literally everything except for the fact that she is confused who also uses the world literally too much 

Positive affirmation of the day written by me!

I think you can do this. Just detangle your life and your priorities just like you detangle all the fucking pairs of earbuds you always have in your pocket!

Also: 8D Audio is really cool!