turntoolate

[turntoolate]

july 3rd, 2023 im off work for a week! needed a looong mental heath break. theres many aspects of my dialy life that i would like to reorganize over the next few days. yesterday and today were simply relax/regain energy days.. tomorrow is when the real fun of deep cleaning begins. after baking 4 batches of cinnamin rolls for work a few days ago i lost all energy for cleaning and now there is two giant piles of dishes waiting for me.. plus dirty clothes everywhere, clean clothes to fold and put away, and a very disorganized bathroom. while i normally enjoy cleanind those dishes are definetly going to take me out. ive also been eating like a child the past week (also caused by the low energy). no willpower to make healthy lunches or any meal for that matter.. another thing i am hoping to fix this week as it really hurts my budget and health, eating so much junk food... i think it would probably be smart for me to look into the mental health resouces that my work offers, as far as im aware they offer therapists for around $10 a session even if you dont have their insurance. pretty handy the only issue is will i even like any of them. more likely than not it wont be that great for me, i think i would benefit more from an in person therapist rather than online. wont hurt to try though.

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june 3rd, 2023

i’ve lived on my own for almost a year now. i’m sure i’ve grown a lot but it doesn’t really feel like that. i still feel like a child in so many ways. i’m still helpless when it comes to a lot of things. i want to be more independent but there’s simply many things i am clueless about. i just accepted a promotion in my job that i hate. its a great pay raise but i still want to work hard to find a better career that isn’t killing me mentally and physically. good news is i wont be working second shift anymore (which is hell if you don’t know). my new hours will be 9a-6p. ill be able to leave before every other business is closed!!! my current schedule is 2p-12a and it leaves no time or energy for me to do the everyday things i should be doing, like cleaning the house, myself, etc.

i’ve been baking a good bit this week. i made 2 batches of banana bread and three batches of cinnamon rolls. gets me thinking things like how theoretically one day is would be amazing to open my own bakery. nowhere near able to do that currently considering there are so many things i need to learn about baking to even call myself a baker, but its fun to think about! especially if it allowed me to move out of my state to somewhere i enjoy a bit more.

i struggle with being able to keep up on taking care of myself. it might just be how much my job tires me but my personal hygiene is subpar. i don’t understand how others can keep up on it so easily. and that’s just the start of it. how does one keep up on all the house chores? i haven’t even finished furnishing my bedroom.. i still need a new bed, bed frame, dresser, more storage. my closets are so disorganized. i have the urge to marie kondo everything away but i know once i haul everything out into the open ill get too tired to continue and just have a bigger mess than what i started with. i have a week vacation at the beginning of jul.. maybe ill use that to deep clean everything and get stuff organized.. hopefully. living was so much easier when you only had to worry about your bedroom but now everything is mine and i’m the only one who’s gonna take care of it.

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november 21st, 2021

so great news me and my friends are already planning to move again because my friends mom moved back in and she is terrible and its only been a few days so! we will be looking for an apartment how fun.

i have everything ready to get my drivers permit but i’ve had this conversation with myself in my head for the past week about how i genuinely do not tell anyone anything about myself, i’m nonverbal 70% of the time and the other 30 i’m never saying anything that’s important but i also did not realized that i did this until very recently, i thought i talked almost too much, so nobody knows how terrified i actually am of driving and its too late to say anything because there is no Maybe on me getting my license i have to get it. end of story. but i can’t stop thinking about the fact that i literally cannot mentally picture myself driving because it sends me into a panic attack.

i can’t think of anything else specifically that’s happened in my life but everything is just miserable. every little thing. i am constantly thinking about how all the things that are wrong with me mentally right now could probably be fixed or helped but i have no means of fixing or help and these are not simple things i can work out on my own, i have tried for the past 8 years. i just wish i could have a simple life for just one day.

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november 4th, 2021

at this point i would be surprised if i actually had short term memory loss and its starting to bug me so much i can’t even turn around without forgetting what i needed to do. there are probably so many important things i meant to do or say that ill just never remember and i hate that so much. all my life i’ve been told i’m so oblivious to everything around me and it was always a funny thing to them but it always made me so sad that there’s so much i’m missing out on and i can’t even help it.

i don’t know why this idea came up but this morning my friends were hanging out in my room and smoking a bowl and we talked about how [friends s/o] has never met my cat (who will be living with us soon) and neither of them have seen my dads new house also also there’s a restaurant we want to go to in the same city blah blah blah Anyways. we were like yeah lets go. right now! but as we were pulling out i realized it takes 35 minutes to get to my dads house and i have to be back here by 1:30 for my grandma to take me to work and it was already 12:00 so we decided against that and instead went to bob evans which is also a terrible idea because old people love. bob evans. old white people who do not like people who look like me! was very uncomfortable and definitely still stoned . the food was good because they always have good food. it just takes 10x longer than it needs to so as we were driving home my grandma texted me at 1:26 telling me to open the door but i was. not home. obviously. and looking back now its like haha funny that she got there before us but in the moment my anxiety was so high and continued to be until halfway into my shift so that was fun! love anxiety <333

keep thinking about all the stupid trauma responses or whatever i have they just make my life more and more difficult and i have no clue how to change them all they have done is get worse over the years i just really need therapy. gotta figure out how to get that all set up. sucks because i’m gonna have to rely on other people to take me places even more and i don’t want that i just want to be able to drive. i am so afraid of driving i hope its nowhere near as bad as i think it is because i have to do this i can’t not learn. i have to learn before it starts snowing which knowing the midwest that could literally be next week.

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november 2nd, 2021

today was. boring. in pretty much every aspect. its hard for me to do much right now since my brain is so stressed from moving again :/ hopefully that goes away soon.

on a much cooler note i’ve been really into finding new music for the past month ish. like reallyy into it c: i switched over from apple music to spotify and it was 100% worth it. its so much easier to find new music that is Actually similar to the things you like. i started doing monthly playlists and my october one had 111 songs !! that’s insane for me because i have a really bad habit of listening to the same songs over and over again. but yeah new music so much new music. i wanna share it with people but its very. all over the place. and its weird too i listen to weird music and i love that about myself but god trying to get someone to enjoy anything i show them is so difficult </3 my current music taste is like.. j pop j rock j indie j everything else shoegaze with a hint of k pop and its all very under the radar artists so! love that for me!

now for song recommendations !

here’s something i found today that i think is just neat

and here’s the song that i can’t stop listening to for the life of me

not much else to say for now hoping tomorrow is a bit more eventful

[turntoolate]

hihi welcome 2 my online diary!!

i talk about anything and everything on here so this is just a general tw for pretty much anything mental illness related! i don’t think i will ever go into too much detail or anything but i just wanted to be safe!

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november 1st, 2021

first post! new blog! i hope i keep this one going. if anyone sees this, hi! i’m alex c: i thought it would be fun to use this as a semi personal diary. just somewhere to say things or something like that i haven’t really thought it out. quick introduction abt me, i’m 18 (19 in seven days!), i can’t drive! i have a car named graham. my pronouns are he/him and i’m a lesbian :p that’s all i can really think about for now. this blog is 100% brain dumping so please never expect good grammar or even just linear posts.

jumping right into my life i just moved out! it was very much rushed but also very needed. my mom god i could write a 500 page essay in her but that’s fir another day. anyways within the past 6 months my mom has borrowed $667 from me, you know, her 18 year old child who just got his first job and needs to save for college and shit like that. there are certain cases where i guess this would make sense i can’t really think of a case where this is okay, parents really shouldn’t be borrowing money from their kids at all. i’m the one who should be the stupid irresponsible teenager who has no concept of saving money but nope! its the other way around. my almost 46 year old mother has yet to figure out how to even semi manage her money. i wish people could instantly just know all the terrible things my mom has done over the course of not only my life, but also my 26 year old brother’s life too. when my brother was my age she did the same thing to him, constantly milking him of his money and guilt tripping him if he refused. when i got my job she started to do the exact same to me and my brother and grandma noticed as well and in turn started to worry for my future, i don’t blame them. my grandma told me ill never see that money again and unfortunately she’s probably right. the money isn’t the only reason i moved out, my mom is also very very manipulative and emotionally abusive so this move is gonna hopefully help my mental health a bit. i moved in with my friend val and their significant other glenn. it’s nice because val’s mom owns the house we live in but she doesn’t live here anymore, she lives with her boyfriend so we have a whole ass house to ourselves ! she only wants $100 from each of us for rent but honestly we could handle the entire mortgage if we had to, i appreciate her though.

moving is a very scary thing for me, this will be my 17th time moving in my entire life, i guess you have to factor in the fact that my parents are divorced so i move twice as much as usual? i guess? i’ve just never gotten use to the packing and moving to a different place. i have very specific places for all my things and very specific routines for my daily life and moving forces me to change all of that. this move was especially scary because this is the first time i’m moving somewhere without either of my parents so i basically just lost my safety net of familiarity. i don’t know if its my social anxiety or my regular anxiety or my autism or what but it is extremely hard for me to ask where things are (like silverware, towels, etc etc) and also just. existing. i remember one time when i moved into my moms boyfriends house i would pace around my room trying to get myself to have enough confidence to go downstairs to the kitchen to eat dinner. the same thing is happening now and i hate my brain for it. i really hope it doesn’t take me as long to get comfortable as it did before because it was terrible and caused me to do things like keep food and dishes in my room and i don’t want to get into that habit again. the scary part that’s more specific to this move is that i’m worried my friend isn’t going to give me enough personal space because i am a very introverted person and i can only handle so much social interaction in one day. i know this could easily be solved by talking to them about it but that’s so difficult for me that i would rather just suffer and hope that eventually they understand that. moving in with people who already live there is so much more difficult than moving into a new place at time same time because then you guys out things away together and you both know where they are from the start. i think i just fixate on small things that don’t even matter but i have no clue on how to fix that.

i think this is all i will write for my first post, i really do hope i continue on with this and maybe it will help me somehow in the long run. well goodbye for now <3