twentysos

[twentysos]

Bringing Past to Present

Once upon a time, I sat at my computer during my prime twenties with my life literally an open book to read. I shared my confidence, my thoughts, my flaws, and my troubles. I did all this with very little worry about what trouble it might cause or what thoughts might be had about my words. I just wanted to share the rollercoaster of life and that, as alone as it might feel, there are people out in the world who also want to hear about your problems, and most importantly, your solutions. 

So I sat at my computer, with my life on stage, as I blogged about anything and everything. Now that I look back, maybe it wasn’t about helping other people as much as just helping myself. Speaking my words (or writing them) just makes me feel good. Thousands of words and daunting thoughts slowly leaving my body and all of a sudden I feel light. Almost functional again. 

Then one day I stopped and I’ve been feeling heavy ever since.

I stopped writing because I openly talked about an old employer who I felt may or may not have had a hostile environment. I will also state that almost a decade later, I still believe this to be true. I also cab painfully admit, I was probably a child regarding the situation and did some pretty stupid things. No matter what the wrong and right situation was, I was stifled. I took down the post, deactivated my blog and never looked back. Well, that’s not all true. I constantly look back. 

When the words bubbled up and I began pacing with anxiety about a situation, I looked back to openly sharing my thoughts. I just wanted to let out the frustrations like screaming out loud at the top of a mountain and just how good that could feel. I’ve tried to just write it out privately in books and on the cloud but it just doesn’t work. 

So I would do a quick search to look for my blog to remind me what it was like to feel stuck and then all of a sudden unstuck with just a little bit of time passing. There would always be a quick moment of relief and then I would close the tab also reminding myself of the harm it had caused. 

Until tonight...

Tonight I went through every email account I could have had from the past 10 years just to see which one would yield an account through Tumblr. Then resetting the password to access that email so I could also reset my Tumble password. Until I finally got here. Writing to you.

Tonight, I was pacing with that anxiety and the bubbles were drowning me. I was so sure that nothing would help me breathe again but just writing this I am back to sitting in my troubles just chest-deep. 

I am also currently staring at a blog named TwentySOS and only half of it is true seems to be true. Life is still one big SOS but it’s not a twenty-something thing. It’s an everybody thing. 

I am 233 days to the big three-oh. At this very moment, I am also realizing that it will be my “Golden” birthday. 30 on the 30th which might change my mind about what I am about to say. 

I’m going to be 30 and even after a decade of searching, I still can’t seem to figure out my place or purpose in this world. But now, I am less motivated and not even sure if there is a prize to have my eyes on. I am a closed book. Nobody knows that I feel lost, I keep most people at arm's length, and really do seem to have an invisible bubble that really isn’t invisible because everyone can clearly read the sign on it that says “Stay over there”. Most things feel impossible, too scary, too risky, too something and it’s honestly like I look in the mirror and I am not even sure who is staring back at me anymore. The actual life that I have used to live has been sucked out of me.

At least I still believe in change and that we are all creators of it. So I’m going to create change, open the book, and let the world know that I am doing my best to leave my mark on it. Because it very well might be that I leave this world without ever finding a place to be, but I refuse to go quietly. 

[twentysos]

When I see the ocean I feel possibility, curiosity, lightness, and peace. I feel as though everything I've ever wanted is on the other side. But know that everything I've ever needed is right here. And when I need to be reminded of just how good life is. I find my way back to the sea 👣🐚🌅💛 Thanks @drewski9290 for the 📷 #sunsets #sunsetcliffs #sandiego #ocean #thisislife #nature #acrobat #handstand #inversion #edgeacrobactics #acro #yoga #instabeauty #travel (at Sunset Cliffs, San Diego)

[twentysos]

@edgeacrobatics class tonight at @acrobody! Hope to see you at 7:00pm for an int/adv class! Open play immediately following. #acrobody #acrobatics

[twentysos]

My base always lifts me up so I returned the favor. We legit got into a two high today 😸 I love these kind of days. The ones where I just feel strong. I ascended 10 after 10 in climbing since my wrist injury, based like I never stopped and enjoyed teaching a great class. You go through the rough moments for days like these 💛💛💛 so grateful for all our amazing students who inspire me 👏 (at Phoenix Rock Gym)

[twentysos]

Dreaming of #handstands. A wrist injury has kept me off my hands. Awaiting the day I can go back to this 💛 #acro #acrolove #handstands #fitspiration #phoenixacro #instagramaz #fitnessgoals #thailand #yoga #inversions #handstandeverywhere #handstandseverydamnday #fitness #balance #acrobatics #acrobats #beaches #travel #phxacro #phoenixacro #upsidedown (at Kho Lanta, Krabi, Thailand)

[twentysos]

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Tumbling on the beach. Doing my first love in the places I love ❤️ (at Koh Lanta, Thailand)

[twentysos]

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Slowly taking away the spots 😁💪 #acroyoga #acrolove #yogalove #aylifestyle #acroeverydamnday #acroeveryday #partneracro #yoga #acrobatics #phxacro #yogagirl #yogagram #phoenixacro #fitness #fitspiration #acro #fitnessgoals #newskills #progress #igersphx #instagramaz (at Hudson Park, Tempe)

[twentysos]

Excited to bring Acroyoga to The Phoenix Rock Gym. First class this Sunday at 6:00pm. We will share beginner and advanced material so there is something for everyone. #acroyoga #acro #partneracro #partneryoga #partneracrobatics #phoenixacro #phxacro #phoenixacroclasses #counterbalance #phoenixrockgym #climbers

[twentysos]

Demo reel in progress...watch out performance world 👊🏻 #acroyoga #partneracro #acro #partneryoga #yoga #acrobalance #counterbalance #balance #ay #phoenixacro #performancepractice #acroduo #sneakpeek (at Hudson Park)

[twentysos]

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Our training has been focused on choreographing an epic routine for performances. A difficult style for us to approach on our own but in the process my handstands and flexibility are dramatically improving. Sometimes after a tough session, I make @brent.bigott relax while I have some fun with my new found skills 😉😋. #handstands #handstandsonpeople #handstandeverywhere #acroyoga #partneracro #acrobatics #acrobalance #phoenixacro #fitness #partneryoga #newskills (at Hudson Park)

[twentysos]

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@brent.bigott and I ❤️ adding new skills to our practice. The spots our gone and #infinitywheel is feeling great. Thanks @theacrobear @theacrosquirrel @acropediaorg @lizzytomber for teaching this on the #acrolovetour. #tryingtostaywarm #acroyoga #acroeverydamnday #partneracrobatics #partneracro #partneryoga #phoenixacro #fitness #newskills #acrolove (at Hudson Park)

[twentysos]

#yogaslackers got @jennifer.t_ and I hooked on @toesox. These kept me cozy all day at the @desertcanvas #rebirthfestival today. 7 beautiful fun hours of sharing the acro love for @acrobody. So excited for the studio to open! All in all.. A 👍👍 kind of day. Thanks everyone for making today extra wonderful 💙 #feelingoptimistic #blessed #goodtimeswithgoodpeople #acro #acroyoga #acrobody #toesox #partneracro #acroeverydamnday (at Kiwanis Park)

[twentysos]

Sometimes it's hard to feel grateful when life doesn't seem to cut you a break. I have this little girl as my niece to remind me otherwise. So thankful my brother brought such a beautiful child into this world. I love my family and sometimes across the country just seems to far away. ❤️❤️❤️

[twentysos]

They say follow your passion, well this is it. ⭐️ I've hit tunnel vision in my life and acrobatics is all I can see. I wake up still dreaming of all the training I want to do and all the people I would love to learn from. My heart is screaming at me everyday to find a way. Here's to 2016 and finding a way. #2016journey #newyear #acroyoga #acrobatics #thailand #chiangmai #mermaidpose #lastdayof2015 #followyourpassion (at Chiang Mai, Thailand)

[twentysos]

"People offer you windows into different worlds" Thank you @poweredbyyoga and @yogaslackers for sharing your world and community with us over the past month. You two are truly inspiring. We are excited to practice and share all the amazing material we've learned on this trip. #acroeverydamnday #yogaslackersthailand2015 #yogaslackers #acroyoga #acrobatics #kohlanta #thailand #goodtimeswithgoodpeople #sunsets (at Koh Lanta, Thailand)

[twentysos]

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So much ❤️ for all the new material and refinements we learned at the Bangkok Acro Convention this past weekend. This entrance into reverse foot-to-foot was incredibly fun to learn with @brent.bigott. Thanks @jennifer.t_ for the recording and beautiful laugh. Also @icdaywee for the spot. 🙏Tons of gratitude for all the teachers and friends from the convention. #acroyoga #partneracro #partneracrobatics #bangkokacroyogaconvention2015 #reversefoottohand #thailand #bangkok #acrobatics #instafit (at Sky Fitness Center)

[twentysos]

I don't think we feel the same about each other... #catsofinstagram #catsallovertheworld #thailand #bangkok #catsonleashes #catsandacrobats #worldwidecats