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Daily Diary #250

I spent a lot of today home alone procrastinating by being productive. Instead of doing homework I cleaned and stuff. So not a total loss but also like not that good. But as I’m writing this I just cant help but feel like I’m talentless. So many people are making such amazing things all the time and what have I contributed? Nothing! I’m not good enough at anything to make my own shit, and I dunno, it just feels like I never will be. I really wish I could just give up.        Today’s Rating: Normal Day

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Daily Diary #249

Today was a pretty normal day off from school, sleeping in super late and doing nothing. I mean I went to my grandma’s house but I wouldn’t really call that something yknow. But throughout the day it just kinda kept sinking in just how lonely I am. Constantly I wish that I had any meaningful human connection but I just, dont. I mean i know I have friends in real life and stuff. But am I gonna be able to talk to them about the intricacies of being gay? No. Am I gonna be able to talk to them and have them understand what being nb feels like? No. Am I gonna be able to go to them and talk about my interests? No. I just feel so cut off from anyone that understands how I feel. And I know that’s so “YoU JUsT DoN’T UnDeRStAnd Me MoM” type thinking but it really feels that way. I can’t talk about jack shit around people without being lightly dismissed because they don’t get what I’m talking about. I’m so lonely it’s unreal and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I really wish I just had someone to talk to. And even if I did I can garuntee that I would annoy the FUCK out of them because they’d be like the one person Id be willing to talk to. Fuck        Today’s Rating: Sad Depressed Day

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Daily Diary #248

Well today was,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, really exhausting. I somehow managed to wake up without hearing my alarm for the second day in a row. Had like 5 min to actually get ready for school, which meant rushing everywhere and drinking copious amounts of coffee. Finally I get to shchool caffinated off my ass, and the day just throws assingment after assingment at me and I don’t get like any of it. Today was a constant barrage of shit I didn’t understand at a snails pace and honestly I want to kill myself. I’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately and justify it by claiming “I would never act on it” and I think that’s like 99% true. I’m just FUCKing tired right now and I wanna take a step back from everything but I can’t. I’m on the worst rollercoaster of my entire goddamn life and there’s no off buttons on a rollercoaster         Todays Rating: Stressed Anxious Day

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Daily Diary #247

I’m starting this up again because I’ve been in a funk for a while now and I think this might help(?) well anyways. Today I felt very distant. And it’s been like that for a while I guess. I exist in so many spaces but I don’t actually interact or take up space there. Like I try and I try and I try to make myself noticed. I try and try and try to make friends but it just never works. I’m so lonely all the time and it feels like its just all my fault. It’s a catch 22! I don’t do anything and I feel lonely! But I do literally like anything at all and i feel like I’m annoying! I’ve noticed quite a bit recently is that, in pretty much any situation where I can feel bad, I will. Like in every single situation no matter what happens i somehow feel like a shitty person. Nothing would make me happier then just, being able to make friends but, I can’t. I dunno I feel bad, that’s pretty much  it I guess.           Today’s Rating: Sad Depressed Day

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Daily Diary #246

I can’t schedule for shit, h8 myself and it’s terribel. fuck dude that’s all that happened and I don’t like myself      today’s Rating: Sad depressed day

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Daily Diary #245

Well we had graduation today and it was more annoying then sad, I sat by this assholic kid the whole time, and I had to play with him to make matters worse. He’s just an annoying prick and I literally cannot stand him. He left to grab the sheet music he forgot and missed the whole first half of the thing and I’m genuinely glad he did because that meant I didn’t have to play with his out of tune unconfident warbly tone souding ass.        Today’s Rating: normal day

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Daily Diary #244

Well I guess this is technically my first day of summer but it really doesn’t feel like it at all, I basically sat around and played video games all day, but I felt pretty sad tbh. I dunno it was just,,,,,,,,,, sad, and kinda stressful oh well         Todays rating: Sad Depressed Day

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Daily Diary #243

Another long day of finals, and playing on my switch. Today def wasn’t as bad as it was yesterday to be honest, but the biggest problem was the end of the day, like it was just really really really really realllllllllly slow, like every minute felt like hours, it just never fucking ended. And I guess summer vacation starts now but it seriously doesn’t fucking feel like it. I already have this stupid fucking trip I have to go on with my family and I wanna KILL MYSELF IT SUCKS. And that lasts a week then I jump right into work on the 10th (even though I really don’t work besides saturdays tbh) I guess I’ll get like a few days of regular summer vacation but overall it just hasn’t kicked off yet.             Today’s Rating: Good Day

High Point: Again just fucking around with my switch was really really nice

Low Point: I kinda felt super goddamn bored and annoyed at the end of the day and there’s a ton of kids over so it’s loud and overwhelming 

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Daily Diary #242

Well we had finals today, and they sound really bad but overall most teachers couldn’t give two shits about finals and either 1: Give you the easiest motherfucking test in the world or 2: flat out don’t give you one at all. I brought my switch today and it was a grand old time just messing around on it for hours on end because teachers can’t fill up an hour and a half with a singular test 

High point: Fucking around on my switch because people thought I was cool which made me feel cool

Low Point: Some of the tests I definitely didnt do good on and felt kinda bad about

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Daily Diary #241

I’m feeling a little bit less stressed, today wasn’t the worst, in general it was actually pretty good, but I still have to do finals for two days straight, luckily it seems like they’re gonna be really easy and stuff so not too much to worry about,,,,,,,, hopefully laksdmcklas        Today’s Rating: Normal Day

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Daily Diary #240

All that really happened today was that I drove again, and it was pretty nice, I feel somewhat more comfortable with it, and I didn’t feel like garbage for no reason, it was nice. Today,,,,,,,,,,, was nice.          today’s Rating: Good Day

High Point: Driving because I feel like I’m slowly improving 

Low Point: the lingering bits of garbage that won’t leave me alone

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Daily Diary #239

Well I drove for the first time today, and it was pretty scary but overall it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, like i’ll survive,,,,,,,,, even if it was pretyt bad. I’m on my way to a liscence, Dillon here I come lamsdlajsdlfk. But other than that I’m pretty sad :////             Today’s Rating: Normal Day

High Point: Driving was cool because I hope to get good at it

Low Point: I still kinda feel like garbage a little bit

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Daily Diary #238

God today started off so so so good, and then it got so so so bad. Like i got a new game and was having fun, and then I played it and I got frustrated which was like whatever,,,,,,,,,,,, and everything was good but like every once in a while a bad thing would happen and i would get a little bit sadder... Then I tried to draw something and it made me really really fucking sad, then people stopped talking to me and that made me sad, and it just got worse and now Im here. I literally cant enjoy anything I create because I’m so fucking bad at it, art is something I’ve always fucking wanted to do, I’ve always wanted to be able to draw and create and just,,,,,, make things, but whenever I try it’s always terrible, it’s always so lackluster, I can lower my standards all I want but it’s always going to come out fucking terrible, and I just hate myself for it. I just want a skill I can keep, music stops and people forget about it but you can look back on an image, and I can’t fucking MAKE IMAGES. i can commision art all I want but I don’t want to rely on other people for everything I do,,,,,,, i just want to like myself for somethinng I created, and I never do and probably never will.           Today’s Rating: Sad Depressed Day/ Frustrated Angry Day

High Point: I got a new game which was fun

Low point: Hating myself for never making it to my own expectations

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Daily Diary #237

Today was really really bittersweet, like there were so many tears shed. I was so upset, it was,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, sad seeing all the seniors that are gonna be leaving,,,, I cried, basically everyone else cried, it sucked            Todays Rating: Sad depressed day

Low Point: Crying because I’m gonna miss everyone so much

High point: Knowing everyone is going to be leading actual lives from now on

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Daily Diary #236

Toady is really really melancholic, everyone is leaving,,,, I’m so hyperaware of the inevitability of death, and just,,,, everything is stressful and falling apart and I can’t handle it, I’ve cried and I don’t know exactly but I think I had a panic attack earlier, everything is just becoming so real and I can’t fucking stand it I’m gonna die and it’s gonna happen soon I swear to god        Sad Depressed Day

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Daily Diary #234/235

holy shit I don’t remember anything about these days literally at all. I’m so tired everything is blurry and suddenly I’m crying.        Normal Day

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Daily Diary #233

Monday, the usual, pretty boring, extra normal. I didn’t achieve really anything today in general. I mean I saw some friends and it def seemed like they didn’t like me anymore so that’s fun but other than that nothing happened           Today’s Rating: Normal Day