twinstarlovers

[twinstarlovers]

Istg I recorded another video but it got lost lmao

[twinstarlovers]

Aw. You know all week I’ve been thinking about you graduating. I was like I wonder if he graduated last year or if it’s this year & my next post was going to be congratulating you whether I was late or on time & shit. Had a feeling to just check your insta for no reason. Little did I know I was right. You had posted just an hour ago from rn like wth idk how I felt that. I’m so proud of you!!! You lived the life I wanted & im so happy you got experience that. Smart ass. I’m glad one of us got to experience it at least. I’m all teary eyed like a proud mother haha. It’s been a long journey & Ik this journey is basically never ending but all love. My shaylaaa 😭. I’m so happy everything turned out good for you & that you’re living your life. Drinking to celebrate you this weekend, cheers love 🥂💟

The telepathy is SO REAL lmao. I actually met someone recently that reminds me of you, maybe it’s the cancer moon but idk bro 😭. It’s the look or the aura that screams you. It’s weird out here. I’ve been seeing 555 all week as well.. weird. Thank you tho, I needed to see this. You have no idea how far I’ve fallen & how much I didn���t even care anymore. Maybe you do know actually. But yes.. thank you for the reminder of what everything is about again. I need to go sit in a corner & cry now lmao. It’s overwhelming getting reminded, makes you feel like shit knowing you need to lock in. Remember when the reminders used to be more wild back then lmao. What a time. The intensity needs to be brought back 😭. 1:11 rn but I need to lock in!!! Getting too distracted out here. I started everything for you to begin w. I’m so glad I got to this place of you not being the center of my life because that was draining but I fell out too deep that I forgot about myself & you. It was great feeling like I could live without you but I forgot why I started. I forgot my purpose. Everything got the best of me but hey.. it was just another imbalance. Too much of you & now too little of you. More like me. Anyways I wanted to rant. This is gonna be hard.

[twinstarlovers]

I painted this the other day. I was very emotional before this which I why I painted in the first place but yeah I painted my mental state. I fucked up but then it came out perfectly somehow. I forgot how beautiful art is & how you can never really fuck up. I wonder if you can uncover the meaning behind it. But anyways I somehow found myself in a trance off my 2020 playlist of songs we sent each other for some reason. It was really nice. Memories lol. I was just sitting outside sunbathing just daydreaming & thinking about the past. I never realized how poetic this whole thing is. A love story that never got finished. Just “…” very very poetic if you ask me. But anyways

[twinstarlovers]

Bro breakups are so fucking hard. I’m usually one to kinda stay still & feel it all & yk whatever but idk this rela was the most beautiful & closest thing I’ve ever had in my life. I can’t even deal with it. Even tho I initiated it never meant I was able to actually deal w it. Idk maybe im meant to get lost for a while to find myself again. I just wanted it to be smooth & easy but im craving to get lost & lose everything about myself rn. I know in a way it’s not the worst thing cus sometimes you do have to learn through suffering but I know better butttt im not sane enough to deal w it the right way yk. Im open to it but I hate how weak I feel that all these distractions are taking over. Lust, infatuation, manipulation, gaslighting, etc. is taking over. I barely even recognize myself. I’ve been beating myself up for becoming someone I hate but then I also understand im just trying to deal with my pain in what I feel is the only way I can. It’s confusing because im not fully lost & I’m self aware but not enough to control myself & make better decisions yk. Idk but I see myself eventually getting fed up with all of this that I will change. At least I did something at all like leaving, at least im flowing in some way. Idk. Lol I hope you are doing well thooo. Just wanted to update you on how im dealing lol. My shadow side is out doing its thing but she will be tamed when it’s time.

[twinstarlovers]

I forgot at the time we really could’ve benefitted from the update on ig where you can music on your bio like BYE. They wanna do that shit after. We was on top of that fr. I had the ugliest lyrics on my bio too like nah fuck that fr.

But maturing is realizing my Lilith sign is actually very noticeable 😩. I try to understand why I’m so ‘aggressive’ or come off so strongly. That Aries don’t play. Mars Lilith gang. It’s crazy how our chart either is the same or compliments each other like pls. I ain’t never seen so soulmate chart like ours before. I wish I payed more attention to your houses. I should’ve screenshotted your chart. I’d probably still have it 🤣. Anyways full moon todayyyy. Lets rise. I was thinking of taking shrooms earlier but nah fuck that 😭. The shrooms I be talking about I’ve had for the longest time & haven’t touched them STILL. Sober life is really crazy for me cus who am i?????? But it feels good. I ain’t grounded enough to start drugs again yet anyway. But I found a new artists that I’m surprised I’ve never found till now fr, you could know him but his name is sonder. I suggest listening to “feel” , “too fast” & “searchin”. So good. It’s like slow r&b. I wonder how you’re dealing with shit compared to me. I wonder if it’s the same as me or the complete opposite. I have a feeling we are dealing w it in the same way but using different ways. In a way we never dealt w it before cus never have I dealt w my pain like this yk but ik you have. It’s such a humbling experience when you swear it can never be you but then it be you 😭. I’m here to understand both sides of everything so I’m not surprised but still lol. Anyways have fun Mr. Cancer moon. We both really have moon heads, that’s crazy. Lmaoooo. Bye bye

[twinstarlovers]

Not me finally having a dream of you. You had chose a tattoo for me & it just appeared on my skin LOL. I had 2. One was your initials & your name in one idk & the other one was a bunch of symbols I don’t remember & didn’t understand but yeah. It was cute tho. Plsss we were so happy together in the dream I hate it 😭. I’ve been lowkeyyyy thinking about you recently, kinda just popping in & out of my head silently. How cute. I do miss you. I’m always aware it’ll always be you like I will wholeheartedly die with that belief no matter what it seems like in the physical 😭. My friend was like I don’t talk about you much anymore & im like that’s still the loml but there’s not much to talk about anymore yk. Indeed you are tattooed on my heart & I’ve reached full acceptance of that. I was reading my journal yesterday cus I’ve been tryna journal again & more frequently so I was reading the way I used to be so heartbroken& down bad over you omg. Obsessive in the most intense way possible & everythingggg. What a timeeee 😭. I was so depressed bro like bye. Damn this is making me sad now cus it’s been soooo long, I don’t know you anymoreeee yet I do & love you even more than I ever did. Life is crazy. I could never really tell anyone you were the worst heartbreak I’ve been through 😭 how do you explain that? A man who didn’t act like he wanted me & left & I was down bad. I sound insane. I think what’s more insane is that I forgave you or don’t care. No deadass cus if I wasn’t forced to heal I’d still hold that shit till this day cus who tf was you. I really would’ve settled for nothing back then & that’s so sad 😭. You live & you learnnnn butttt bye bye talk to you soonnnnn

[twinstarlovers]

Never heard this song but OMGGGGGG ITS SOOOOOOO GOOD. The goosebumps are overwhelmingggg. What an experience.

[twinstarlovers]

I recorded sum videos but idk when or if I am even gonna post them but anyways ummm why my codependent wound made itself very clear yesterday. I was crashing out from no attention or distraction like pls 😩. I knew deep down I was codependent but I never felt the absence of it in a minute cus I made sure I had those security of it but now that it’s lost I was feeling it omg. I wanted to die so bad. It’s also probably the retrograde too but yeah. I didn’t know how to deal with it tbh. I need to learn to pause & let it pass but it feels like I’m on fire & I can’t just sit & let it be, I need to do something. Atp I’m taking baby steps now. I made a big decision but I could not handle it in the end 😭 but I’m being nice to myself, telling myself at least I still took a big step instead of doing nothing so that’s worth a lot. Anyways this song I’m listening to I’ve been obsessed w it’s called hands on me by Elias, I listen to it a couple of times a day now lol. I need to go on a drive with this blasting pls. Anyways have a good day. Hope you are doing well!

[twinstarlovers]

Ahhhh. This Venus retrograde has done its thing. I have all the control yet it feels like I have no control. I’ve never really experienced this before. I have the power but I’m letting it slip through my hands instead of being stubborn for once. I’m embracing the change & the pain. I can just be stubborn if I really wanted to… I do want to but I’m not letting myself. It’s the craziest thing lol. I’m mourning but it’s fine. I’m telling myself at least I’m feeling something which I haven’t been for a while now. I’m feeling too much. It’s what I asked for as much as I was afraid of it. I have the chance to run in this moment but I’m not. How beautiful is that. Ik the days to come will be hard as well but it is what it is. I can watch my comfort show now at least. I’m thinking of taking shrooms because I want to feel even more but I also want to see if I end up feeling hopeful. I’m open to both possibilities of having a ‘bad’ or a good trip. Anyways, I wonder how you are doing. If you’re losing it like me rn then gang shit & may we end up finding love within ourselves again.

Happy new year tho!

[twinstarlovers]

About time I dreamed about your ass. I don’t even remember that much tbh. It took me like 5-10 mins to even realize I dreamed of you after I woke up lol. I just remember we were texting. You was saying some cute shit & then you unsent it like oh okay 🫥. I read it before you unsent it tho ha lmfao jk. I have no idea what we was texting about tho. I should ask my cards but it’s really about if I care enough to find out. Anyways the energy this week has been insane omg. That post full moon lunar eclipse had me going insane. I was sooo depressed & crashing out 😭. I went out for the first time in fucking forever & it was such a good night & I met a cool ass person who was actually interested in what I had to say. It was a cookout that my friend invited me to cus their friend ended their life so they were having a get together & yeah I found some more details about that & I was like oh damn I was lowkey like is it appropriate that I even came lol but everyone was just vibing & I was respectful. Until they allowed me play my music so yk me… blasting crystal castles & all my edgy music because I was tipsy & nobody actually was paying attention. They told me to come & talk to them & I was like I rather listen to music & I deadass said it like that & I didn’t realize how bad it came across 😭😭. I’m sorry but if it’s talking to people I don’t know or listening to music, I’m choosing the music… especially MY MUSIC. Once that liquor hits my system, music is everything. But yeah I kinda felt bad… THE NEXT DAY when I processed I said that 😭. But anyways I don’t think they cared & I sure as hell don’t but I’m only caring because of the situation yk but everyone was doing their own thing so it doesn’t matter lol. Anyways. I’m taking a private sound bath session tmr. Idk if I told you the story of how I even found out about it but basically I went to the gym & saw a lady putting away her sound bowls & I went up to her & told her I was interested & where do I sign up & shit so yeah she got back to me this weekend so I have a session on Tuesday after work so I’m excited for that. I’ll see how consistent I wanna do this but she told me what exactly I wanna work on & I told her releasing stress that’s stuck in my body but also my overthinking and just everything that’s stressing me out because I’m not releasing what needs to be released & also I told her I need help with grounding cus of suppressed emotions & I’ve been dissociating like hell a lot recently so yes grounding & feeling the things I’m running away from. I’ve been finding distractions in the wrong places but it feels good ngl but I’m aware it’s just distractions. I want to deal with my shit the right way tho but I think it’s too heavy. I didn’t intentionally decide to run away it kinda just happened & Ik I can just stop it by confronting it but I think what I’m scared of is not fully being present to confront now that it’ll bite me in the ass later. I feel like I’m more stressed about being in the situation than actually leaving it tbh but for me it feels like it’s me leaving. What an illusion. I’ve been meaning to take a shroom trip soon for this situation but haven’t had the strength or energy. I have everything I need to deal besides strength & energy. I’m a sober queen now aren’t ya proud lol. I only drink socially & shrooms isn’t obviously often. But anyways about the sound bath I was just thinking im probably gonna do it once a month, probably the week before or the week of my period cus that’s when im most ready to crashout lol. I don’t want to be emotional pls. Im sick of it. I wanna live in my little bubble of delusion just to avoid feeling uncomfortable, feeling anything yet I’m stressed about feeling nothing at all. Okay lemme stfu cus I’m just venting. I wish you the best, we both probably going through or its just me lol okay bye

[twinstarlovers]

hey. Got some songs for you that just released today lol. I’m obsessed. It’s a lunar full moon eclipse so I’m feeling shit & I was gonna come on here yesterday but just didn’t but this first song brought me here, it just reminds me of you & it got me emotional so I hope you like it, definitely nostalgic af. The second song also is sooooo good ugh. I suggest listening to all his songs in general, I think you’d like him. He’s an upcoming artist. I think I mentioned him before but he’s from Baltimore & I went to his first at home concert & I istg when I met him he had that star energy to him that he just radiated. I’ve never felt that coming from a person before. It felt like Star, celebrity energy idk i could just feel with my whole body he’s gonna make it eventually. It was very interesting. It’s crazy he released this on a full moon eclipse too lol. But yeah his music is really good. The second song blew up on tik tok & I hope this ep has everything blow up for good. He’s really nice & small loll.

I’ve been busy. Very much in my masculine energy. It’s not even me doing stuff I don’t need to do tho it’s stuff I have to do but I haven’t been taking time to rest & it’s also been I have somewhat energy now like I just wanna move & do stuff. Like even if I’m tired I’m still doing shit & coming from me this is the first time this has ever happened to me cus if im tired you cannot make me do anythinggg. Idk it’s reminding me of my mom & im not tryna be like her. But bro I just got to work & they found a dog outside lost or sum & it was shaking idk if it’s cold or scared & im like omg. I cannot really handle that rn like now I have to spend the whole morning forcing myself to forget about it or else im gonna be traumatized for the rest of the day. I really don’t like seeing stuff like this cus it takes a toll on me. I cannot stand them being lost & then having to call someone to pick them up which only makes them feel worse which makes me feel worse like ugh. I don’t even wanna ask what they plan on doing with the dog. Ima tell myself the family found it & it’s happy at home cus I cannot. Anyways I genuinely think I have autism bro. I don’t like this shit 😭. I’m so awkward lol. I have the autism stare too. My old friend has mentioned either I don’t make eye contact at all or if I do I can’t stop staring to the point where it’s creepy & she told me to stop 😭. I was like bro I’m just giving you my full attention but I assume you have to look around here & there like a ‘normal’ person. But yeah eye contact is very very difficult for me to maintain now. It physically makes me uncomfortable. I heard that’s an autism thing. Also the repetitive stuff I do & say in my head that I thought was normal actually isn’t like oh! I mean I always knew I was different, my family sees me as different as well like they look at me like an alien so I thought it’s cus I’m the black sheep but maybe I’m just autistic. Idkkkk I already mentioned all this but I’ve been falling into a rabbit hole about this for a while now but yeah anyways bye bye