twobluegoldfish

[twobluegoldfish]

i know ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

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synopsis: after moving an hour away from the only place he had ever called home, dawit joins a new dance studio - home to a popular dance group. most of the members welcome him with open arms, but there's one that has no interest in getting to know him.

[twobluegoldfish]

late night studying ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

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synopsis: after moving an hour away from the only place he had ever called home, dawit joins a new dance studio - home to a popular dance group. most of the members welcome him with open arms, but there's one that has no interest in getting to know him.

[twobluegoldfish]

why can't you hate me? -2min

pairing: seungmin x minho synopsis: seungmin is sure of one thing. he will never be good enough. not for school. not for finding a job. and certainly not for minho. genre: angst, fluff, college au wc: 2,000 | masterlist

Another rejection. 

He can’t say that he didn’t expect it but that didn’t make it hurt any less. It had been weeks of “Thank you for your interest, but you’re not quite what we’re looking for at this time” and “We will get back to you later” with no response later. Despite all the places that Seungmin had applied to, hoping that he would score an internship for his last semester of university, nothing seemed to be working out. 

Sighing, Seungmin just stared at his phone screen as it faded to black. This was one that he really thought could work out. He knew that he wasn’t the most qualified applicant but still. He thought that there would maybe be someone who could see his potential and be willing to take a chance with him. 

It had been multiple minutes since the call had ended yet, he stayed seated in the study room where he had taken it. He wasn’t quite ready to face the world outside of the safe haven he had created in that room. Outside there were plenty of his peers who were getting somewhere with this. They had easily gotten whatever jobs or internships that they wanted but Seungmin just couldn’t. He wasn’t even sure what he was doing wrong. His resume was good, maybe not perfect but it was good enough. He thought that he presented himself well in both his application and on these calls. 

But they all ended the same way. Rejection. 

Seungmin would be lying if he said that it wasn’t starting to bother him. 

It was. 

Thoughts that he had worked so hard to prove wrong seemed to come back full force. The only difference was that this time, he found himself believing them. 

He wasn’t good enough for any of these positions. He wouldn’t find somewhere that wanted him. He would be stuck where he was forever. His degree was going to be pointless because he wasn’t enough. He wasn’t qualified. He wasn’t good. 

He started to accept all of these things as true. There was nothing that was proving them false. Despite all of the effort he had put in to rid these thoughts, they were stronger than ever. To the point where they were bleeding over into other aspects of his life. 

He will never be good enough for his boyfriend. Minho will see how you really are eventually, there’s no hiding it. Minho is so good and all Seungmin was doing was dragging him down. No matter how much effort he put into being better, Minho would always deserve better than him. 

Minho was too good for him. 

Eventually, Seungmin was able to pull himself out of his head enough to pack up his belongings and finally leave the study room. His classes were over for the week and he and Minho had plans to go on a date that weekend. The plan was for Seungmin to go over to Minho’s apartment after class and just spend the weekend there. He had even packed all his clothes and brought them to his class so he didn’t have to go back to his own apartment. 

However. he found himself hesitating. Before he could convince himself not to, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

From Min <3: hey minnie, work is running a bit late today so you’ll probably beat me to my apartment

From Min <3: i know you have your key but i just wanted to let you know anyways

From Min <3: can’t wait to see you later <3

From Seungmin: okay, be safe. heading over to your now, i’ll see you soon <3

With that, he pocketed his phone and started on his way to Minho’s. The pair had been together all four years of university and Seungmin had gone apartment searching when looking for this apartment. It was basically a second home. He was there just as much as he was at his own apartment. They had talked about moving in together but decided that they wanted to wait until they were both graduated. Even being a few years older, Minho had only graduated about a year before. 

Part of Seungmin had always felt guilty, that he was making Minho wait for him as he struggled to keep up. He knew that his thinking was irrational but it didn’t stop those thoughts from popping up from time to time. 

His walk to Minho’s apartment was one of those times. 

Since he knew that route to the apartment like the back of his hand, he was able to let his mind wander. 

He couldn’t help but think that Minho saw Seungmin as something holding him back. It had never been a problem when they were both students, both of them bound to the area around the university. Now, however, Minho had free range of the entire world but Seungmin was still stuck. After graduating, Minho had picked up a job at a local dance studio, teaching dance lessons. Seungmin knew that he loved his job but it wasn’t what he wanted to do forever. He had always talked about opening up his own studio in a big city somewhere. That fit perfectly with what Seungmin wanted – to work at a big law firm somewhere. 

Minho was free.

Seungmin kept him stuck right where he was. Restricting his abilities to accomplish his dreams. 

When he was finally able to shake the thoughts from his head, he was already at the door to Minho’s building. He chose to take the stairs up as Minho only lived on the third floor and the elevator was currently on the fifth. 

Seungmin let himself into the apartment like he had done time and time again. He set his backpack on the kitchen counter and made his way into Minho’s bedroom. Unsure of how much time he had until Minho got home, he grabbed an extra pair of his clothes that he kept in the apartment and decided to take a shower.

Mid shower, he heard the front door open.

“Hey Minnie, I’m home,” he heard Minho call out from somewhere in the apartment. 

“In the shower, I’ll be right out.” He yelled back. 

Quickly, he finished up his shower and changed into the fresh set of clothes. Exiting the bathroom, he found Minho sitting on the bed waiting for him.

“Hi baby,” he greeted from the bed, looking up from his phone. “How was your day?”

“It was fine, how was yours?” Seungmin responded with a shrug before taking a seat next to Minho. He was deliberate with the space he left between them, unsure if Minho even noticed. 

“It was really good. I had my 3 to 4 year old class this afternoon and they were surprisingly really good listeners today. I was able to get through a good amount of the number that we are going to do for their recital.” Minho told him. “Then my teens solo is coming along really well. I really think that she has the potential to place in some competitions this season.”

Seungmin tried to smile and nod along when appropriate but he knew that his smile wasn’t reaching his eyes. He really did care about his boyfriend and how his day was but he couldn’t ignore the little voice in the back of his head telling him that he was just holding Minho back, that he would be achieving so much more without Seungmin in his way. 

Minho seemed to notice how preoccupied Seungmin was, despite him trying his best to hide it. Minho knew him better than that. He always knew.

“Did you hear back from that place that you applied to the other day?” he asked, hoping that the change of topic would help Seungmin refocus on their conversation.

“Yeah.” He didn’t offer anything more.

“How did that go?”

“They said that they didn’t think that I would be a good fit for the company.”

“Oh love, I’m really sorry. Did they say why?”

“Do they really have to?” Seungmin’s voice rose along with his anger. He wasn’t even sure why. He knew that he was misplacing his anger and that Minho had been nothing but supportive throughout the entire process. “I’m not fucking good enough for any of these companies. I’m not what they’re looking for. They all want someone with experience but I don’t even know how to fucking get experience because everyone is turning me down. I’m fucking stuck here.”

It was all bubbling over. 

The weeks of phone calls that got nowhere. The weeks of rejection email after rejection email. The weeks over seeing everyone else in his life accomplishing things while he was stuck in the same cycle that he was never going to get out of.

It had finally become too much for him to handle. 

“I know this process has been so long and so hard on you but you’ll find somewhere. The right place just hasn’t come along yet.” Minho tried to pull Seungmin into a hug but the younger fought him and was eventually able to pull away.

“You don’t get it, Minho!” He was unable to stamp down any of the anger that had flared. “I’m just wasting everyone’s time. I’m wasting all these companies' time with these stupid phone calls. I’m wasting my own time on this stupid degree that I’m never going to get anywhere with. I’m wasting your time by keeping you here and making you deal with all my shit! I don’t get why you don’t hate me. Why can’t you just hate me? It would make everything so much easier. You could finally see that you deserve more than this. You are so, so good and I’m just holding you back from the rest of your life.”

“I could never hate you.” Minho stated it as if it were fact.

“I’d hate me if I were you.” Seungmin knew that he was just fighting to fight, his words didn’t hold as much venom anymore. “I’m the reason you’re stuck here for another year.”

“I’m not stuck anywhere. I’m choosing to stay here with you for one more year. Everything that I want in life, I want to do it with you by my side.” Minho had finally managed to pull Seungmin onto his lap, holding him close as if he were going to run away. “I like where I am now. I like my job, my apartment, and I love my little life with you. It’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life but it’s exactly where I want to be now.”

“You could be doing so much more.”

“I don’t want to. Not right now at least.” He placed a kiss onto Seungmin’s forehead. “There is nothing about my life I want to change right now.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just having a hard time seeing why I’m worth it to you.”

“I wish I could show you the Minnie that I get to see everyday. The one that wakes up extra early so that you can make me breakfast and pack my lunch before you go to class. The one that always makes sure I’m taking care of myself and will help me do so on the days where it’s hard. The one that always thinks of me. The one that I am so excited to know for the rest of my life.”

“You just deserve so much more.”

“I don’t want more, Kim Seungmin. I want you.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Please let me spend the rest of my life showing you why I love you.” Minho grabbed Seungmin’s chin and turned his head so they were looking each other in the eye. “You are the only thing I want in this life. Why can’t you let me show you how much I love you?”

“Is this really worth it for you?” Seungmin asked, hesitantly.

“You are worth everything to me. You always will be.”

[twobluegoldfish]

not in the group. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

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synopsis: after moving an hour away from the only place he had ever called home, dawit joins a new dance studio - home to a popular dance group. most of the members welcome him with open arms, but there's one that has no interest in getting to know him.

taglist open! (:

[twobluegoldfish]

notice - seungmin x chan

pairing: seungmin x chan synopsis: chan notices when seungmin starts pulling away from the group and wants to make sure seungmin knows how loved he is. genre: angst & fluff wc: 1,424 | masterlist

Chan noticed almost immediately when Seungin started to pull away. It was subtle things at first like not going out to lunch with the group or leaving team movie nights early. Little things that nobody would really pay attention to. 

Except for Chan.

Then Seungmin grew quiet. The normal jokes and sarcastic comments seemed to stop all together. Every moment where he should have had a comeback for one of Minho’s remarks or a comment about Changbin’s actions was met with nothing. The rest of the members would notice it in the moment but forget about it not long after. 

Chan just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. He was always good at reading all of his members but he was especially good when it came to Seungmin. Seungmin was never the most open, choosing to deal with his problems on his own rather than going to one of the members for help/ So, Chan got good at knowing what he needed. 

Sometimes the answer was that he needed space. After a particularly long day, it wasn’t unusual that Seungmin would find himself alone in his room. Writing in his journal as a way to help him process the day. This wasn’t like that though. Seungmin just felt so much more distant and withdrawn than he usually was. 

Over the course of a few days, Chan also noticed that Seungmin was eating less. He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t keeping a close eye on Seungmin. He tried to get him to eat with Chan whenever he ate. Sometimes that looked like Chan making himself and Seungmin breakfast before they left for the company in the morning or Chan offering some of his snack to Seungmin whenever they got breaks during dance rehearsals. He took all of the food that was offered to him but Chan never saw him seek food out on his own. 

Things kept up like this for days. Seungmin was turning down more and more group activities and the bags under his eyes were growing darker with each passing day.

“Have you noticed anything off about Seungmin recently?” Chan asked the youngest, Jeongin, one night when it was just the two of them sitting on the couch after everyone else had gone to bed. After himself, Chan would’ve thought that Jeongin was closest to Seungmin. They were the two youngest in the group and had spent a lot of time together during the early days of the group. If Seungmin had talked to anyone, it would be Jeongin.

“Not really,” the younger said with a shrug. “He doesn’t really hang out with me much lately.”

“That’s what I’m talking about.” Chan responded. “He’s been pulling away and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“It’s Seungmin. You should just let him figure it out on his own.”

Normally, Chan would agree with Jeongin. He had seen this time and time again where Seungmin would have a bad day or two and then he would be back to his normal self. This wasn’t like those other situations. It had been nearly two weeks since Chan had first noticed Seungmin pulling away. It hadn’t gotten any better since then. If anything, it was getting worse. 

“I’m scared of what will happen if I just let it go.” Chan admitted. He didn’t like to say things like that around the younger members but he felt like he didn’t have much of a choice. “This isn’t how it normally is with him. I feel like something is really wrong.”

“Then you should talk to him about it. I know that he trusts you more than any of us so, if he’s going to talk to anyone, it would probably be you. And I know that you’ll take good care of him regardless. I can see how much you love him. It’s kind of gross sometimes.” Chan appreciated the lighter take that Jeongin seemed to have for this conversation.

“Thank you, Innie. You always seem to know what to say.”

“Yeah yeah. Just talk to him. I’m sure you’ll be able to get through to him. Even if nothing is wrong, in the future he will know that he can go to you.” A silence fell over the pair as Chan let Jeongin’s words sink in. Before he was able to talk again, the younger boy stood. “It’s getting late so I am going to head to bed. Don’t stay up too late. Goodnight! See you in the morning.”

Jeongin left, leaving Chan alone in the living room. He stayed seated for a bit longer before deciding that it was time for him to go to bed as well. As he made his way to his own bedroom, he couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling in his chest. 

Before he made it to his own bedroom, he found himself turning around and walking back down the hall, into Seungmin’s room. He was quiet as he entered so that he didn’t wake the sleeping boy. It was a lot harder to slip into the bed with him but he managed to do so without waking Seungmin up. 

With Seungmin in his arms, the nagging feeling went away. Everything was always better when Chan was with Seungmin. He knew that he didn’t say it enough but he hoped that Seungmin knew how much he loved him.

He didn’t realize how tired he was until he felt himself falling asleep only moments after laying down. He tightened his arms around Seungmin one last time before drifting to sleep.

By the time Chan woke up the next morning, the sun was already up and so was the younger boy he was in bed with. Chan wasn’t sure how long Seungmin had been awake for but he was on his phone with his head resting on Chan’s chest. 

“Good morning,” Chan said, his voice still thick with sleep.

“Good morning,” Seungmin greeted, turning his phone off and giving Chan his full attention. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here when I woke up this morning.”

“Ah, I couldn’t help it,” Chan responded with a small shrug. “I’ve missed you a lot recently.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Chan asked. “I’m always going to be here for you baby.”

“I know.”

“Then talk to me. Please. What’s been going on?”

“Just been having a hard time recently.”

“Anything specific?”

“Just feeling bad.” Seungmin shrugs, refusing to meet Chan’s eyes as he talks. “Been having a hard time doing anything really. It’s been taking a lot of energy to even just get out of bed in the morning. And when I’m around everyone I just convince myself that it wouldn’t matter if I was gone. You would probably all be better off without me.”

“Minnie…”

“After all, all I do is make jokes that aren’t really funny. And I’m mean. I would understand if you all hated me. Hell, I barely like myself most of the time. I don’t even bring much to the group either so it’s not like you guys would be losing something without me.”

“I hate that you’re feeling like this.”

“It’s whatever.”

“It’s not ‘whatever’ Seungmin.” Chan gently grabbed Seungmin’s chin, turning his face so that he had no choice but to look Chan in the eyes. “You are so important, not only to the group but to me. I don’t know what I would do without you. You are the kindest person I know. You’re always pulling me home when I spend too long in my studio. You’re always bringing me food so that I don’t forget to eat.”

“Any of the others could do that.”

“But you’re the one who does.” Chan said. “I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else. They wouldn’t be you, puppy. Nobody could ever replace you. If I didn’t have you in my life I would be devastated.”

“You’d get over it.”

“I wouldn’t. I need you. I will always need you. Please come to me whenever you are feeling bad so I can break apart the lies that your brain is telling you. Seungmin, the world is a better place because you’re in it.”

“Chan…thank you for finding a way in even when I’ve been pushing you away.”

“I will never let you push me away. I’m always going to be here. Right by your side until you believe me when I say that the world is better with you in it, Kim Seungmin.”

[twobluegoldfish]

new friends? ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

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synopsis: after moving an hour away from the only place he had ever called home, dawit joins a new dance studio - home to a popular dance group. most of the members welcome him with open arms, but there's one that has no interest in getting to know him.

taglist open (:

[twobluegoldfish]

glue myself shut - trans!kim seungmin

characters: trans!kim seungmin & chan synopsis: seungmin wants to be the one to come out to his members before they hear it from somewhere else. but he doesn't know how they'll react. genre: angst & fluff, coming out wc: 3,411 | masterlist

Seungmin knew he’d have to tell his members eventually. As much as this was a secret that he wanted to keep forever, he knew it wouldn’t be possible. At first, it didn’t seem like such a big deal. In the beginning few years of the group, it felt like it was them against the world. Then, the world seemed to stop fighting and before he knew it, they were getting millions of streams on all of their songs and selling out stadiums. 

That’s when he knew he had to do it. 

Before someone else did. 

While they had a lot of fans, they still had a lot of people who didn’t like their little group, for whatever reasons they had. Seungmin never paid much attention to that hate surrounding the group. However, he always kept a particularly close eye on the hate towards himself. He always wanted to know what was being said about him online. That way he could always be one step ahead of everything. 

It started out as one tweet that didn’t really get much attention. It only had a handful of likes and no comments. Seungmin brushed it off as just a one time thing.

Then it was two tweets.

Then three.

As the number kept increasing, Seungmin knew that his time to come out to the group was limited before they found out. The other members themselves never really cared for rumors but the company was a completely different story. They watched everything said about the artists under them. Just like Seungmin, they always needed to be ahead of the game for the damage control to be effective. 

This wasn’t on their radar yet but Seungmin knew it wouldn’t be long before it was. 

He had transitioned really young. He had come out to his parents when he was only five. He didn’t even know what being transgender meant at that age. But he was adamant in telling his parents that he was a boy. So, they went along with it. They assumed that it was a phase that wouldn’t last long.

However, they started using male pronouns to address him, got him a whole bunch of boys' clothes, and even helped him pick out a name that he liked. From there, they allowed Seungmin to grow into himself, taking each day as it came. Eventually, with enough persistence from a young Seungmin, they let him cut his hair short. Seungmin’s mother would later tell him that from that day, she knew it wasn’t just a phase. The way she had never seen Seungmin so happy as she did that day was confirmation for her. His parents truly did everything they could for him. They got him on puberty blockers when he was just nine years old - something Seungmin would be eternally grateful for. 

He ended up joining JYP at sixteen, wanting to pursue his dreams. When he joined the company, he had only been on hormones for a few months. Nobody really questioned him on anything, though. The puberty blockers had stopped any female puberty before it even began so aside from his rather high voice, Seungmin passed completely. Not many people even asked about it and those who did, just got a shrug in response. 

Now, years later, Seungmin passes better than he ever thought he would. Any remnants of his former self were gone. The only things that remained were old pictures that family and friends had taken of him before he came out. 

All that being said, Seungmin kept that part of him to himself. It hasn't always been that way. When he was younger, he wore his trans identity like a badge of honor, not hiding himself from the rest of the world. That had its cons however, and Seungmin lost many friendships over it. 

One of them was his best friend. It wasn’t even his fault, really. He had accepted Seungmin instantly and the truth only seemed to make the pair grow closer. His friend's parents, on the other hand, weren’t okay with their kid being friends with someone like Seungmin. Ultimately, he had been banned from hanging out with him. After that, Seungmin was more careful with who he told. 

Many rejections later, he vowed never to let anyone know this part of himself. A part that he used to love turned into something he did everything in his power to hide. Part of himself that he used to have so much pride in was now buried in shame.

True to his word, nobody knew. 

None of the company executives. None of the artists that he was friends with.

None of his members. 

Now Seungmin had to tell them before someone else did. He’d have to confront the years and years worth of lies that he had to tell them in order to keep this hidden. The more he thought about telling the group, the less he wanted to do it. He couldn’t face the group and confront this head on like he knew he should.

That’s when he decided to start by just coming out to one of them. He reasoned that he could handle that reaction of one person - whether it be positive or negative. After deciding that, he thought over which of the members he should tell first.

There was Jeongin. Being the youngest in the group, the two had grown quite close. Seungmin considered Jeongin his best friend. They always went to each other when they were struggling with something and they had one of the strongest bonds in the group. It should’ve been a no-brainer for Seungmin to tell him first. Then he thought back to his best friend from all those years ago. He wasn’t sure he could handle losing another best friend. 

He crossed Jeongin off of the imaginary list in his head. 

He went through the same process with all of the other members, finding at least one reason that they couldn’t be the one he came out to, until he was left with only one member.

Chan.

It seemed like it should’ve been the obvious choice from the beginning. Chan was the leader and if he didn’t accept Seungmin, it wouldn’t even matter what anyone else thought. This was Chan’s group.

Not only that, Seungmin and Chan had grown closer over the last few months. Chan had a habit of staying late in the studio and some days, Seungmin just found it hard to sleep so, he started to join Chan. He never really did anything when he was there, just enjoyed the presence of the older. They sometimes talked, getting really personal about things. Chan talked about the difficulties he faced during his trainee days and Seungmin would open up about his own insecurities. 

It was decided. 

Chan was the one he was going to be coming out to. 

Now, all he had to do was figure out how. He’d come out to many people in the past but there felt like there was a lot riding on this one. 

It needed to be perfect. 

The group was in dance practice when Seungmin came to the conclusion that it would be Chan. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do so with all of the other members around. His schedule for the rest of the day was pretty packed. After the group practice, he and Felix had a one-on-one practice to work through certain parts of their new choreography. Then, he and Jeongin had a vocal lesson. It just kept going with back to back lessons and commitments that he had to attend until a little after 7:30 that night. 

He’d have to catch Chan at some point that night then. 

Seungmin doesn’t remember much of practice, though he probably should’ve been paying more attention since he wasn’t one of the strongest dancers in the group. He was filled with too much anxious energy about his inevitable conversation with Chan to focus. 

Felix seemed to notice as well. He tried to give Seungmin different pointers but nothing seemed to be getting through to him. Eventually, he called for the two of them to take a break. They both sat down next to each other.

“What’s going on with you today, Minnie?” Felix asked after taking a few sips of water. “You seem really distracted.”

“Just a lot going on in my head, I guess.” Seungmin replied with a shrug. 

“Anything you want to talk about?” 

“No, it’s okay.”

“Okay, Min. Just know you can talk to me or any of the others. Don’t keep whatever you’re going through to yourself.”

“It’s just complicated.”

“Maybe talking about it would make it easier.”

“I can’t.”

Felix was being so open. So tempting. His kind words were taunting, pulling the confession out of Seungmin’s mouth. Felix was usually one of the members that Seungmin felt like he could go to about things. This was an entirely different ballpark. Felix loved everyone he met. Seungmin wouldn’t be able to handle coming out and Felix just not liking him.

“We love you, Min.” Felix said after a few beats of silence had passed, pulling Seungmin out of his spiraling thoughts. “All of us.”

“I know.” Seungmin whispered.

“Come on.” Felix jumped up to his feet and reached his hand down to Seungmin. “Maybe dancing will help get you out of your head a little bit.”

Luckily, Felix’s idea worked. It seemed he made the decision that they weren’t going to get anywhere with learning the new choreography so he just put on a playlist with a lot of their own songs. The two of them just danced for the rest of the time they were supposed to be practicing together. Seungmin would be lying if he said that he didn’t enjoy it. Relying fully on muscle memory to get him through the dance allowed him to get out of his head a little bit. 

Before heading off to his vocal lesson, he made sure to thank Felix. 

“Anytime, Seung.” he had responded. “I mean it. Even if you don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you, there are other ways we can be there for you if you want us to be.”

If only he really knew. 

Seungmin knew that his words were meant to be supportive but it started a whole different spiral about if they would still want to do all of these things for him once they knew. Or would they all start to act differently around him.

He shook his head as if it would clear his thoughts as he walked into the room where his vocal lesson was. Jeongin was already sitting there when he walked in.

“Hi, hyung!” The younger one greeted as Seungmin took a seat next to him. “How was your extra long dance practice?”

“Lix and I didn’t really get very far so, I guess not as good as we were hoping.” 

“It’s okay! All of our new choreo is a lot more intense than it has been for the past few comebacks.”

“Just don’t want to get behind and slow the rest of the group down.”

“You would never slow us down.” Jeongin reassured him. “Besides, Minho hyung would make sure you’re all caught up before we move on to anything new.”

Seungmin enjoyed the sense of normalcy this conversation seemed to carry. It was a vast contrast to what it was like being inside his own head recently. He had been stressing over every possible change or potential outcome that his coming out could have that even though nothing had changed yet, to him it felt like it already had.

“I just hope I can get it down soon. It’s just a set of steps that I’m stuck on. It’s so annoying.”

“It’s always the little things you get caught up on,” Jeongin said with a laugh.

There wasn’t much more to the conversation after that because their vocal coach walked in. It was pretty much business only until he released them to go to lunch. 

It was the only break that Seungmin had for the rest of the day. Part of him wished he didn’t have it to begin with. Between dancing with Felix and his vocal lesson, he finally felt somewhat settled. 

That feeling went away almost immediately when Changbin and Jisung joined them for lunch. 

“Where’s Chan?” Seungmin asked. Normally the three of them traveled in a group as they tended to have the same schedules. 

“He’s still up in the studio,” Changbin answered before he put a spoonful of food into his mouth. 

“He was really in the zone when we left. Said that he would eat later but that he finally figured out what was missing for the track that we’ve been working on recently.” Jisung continued. 

Seungmin had hoped that he wasn’t busy and that he could’ve just done it now. Maybe if he just got it over with, he could quit worrying about it. He wasn’t about to interrupt Chan though. It would just have to stay looming over him for the rest of the day.

Luckily, the rest of the day seemed to go by quickly. Seungmin wasn’t sure if that was because time was actually moving fast or that he was so anxious that everything seemed to blur together. 

Either way, he was happy to finally be done.

It seemed that the whole group ended at the same time, a rare occurrence. 

As the group of them walked out to the vans to head back to the dorms, Seungmin noticed that Chan wasn’t with them.

“Where’s Chan?” Seungmin asked for the second time today.

“You know Chan,” Changbin answered. “We couldn’t pull him out of that studio this early even if we wanted to. He insisted on working for a little bit longer.”

“I’m going to stay with him.” Seungmin said as he turned away from the rest of the group.

He wasn’t sure if anyone said anything or if anyone called after him. His mind was zeroed in on the fact that he was going to have Chan alone. 

He was going to come out to him.

On his walk up to Chan’s studio, he had to convince himself not to turn around and run away. His anxiety was at an all time high but he knew that this was something that he needed to do. If he didn’t, then someone else would and that was just worse in every way possible.

When he made it up to the studio, he knocked on the door. Not even giving himself time to think about what he was doing. Moments later, Chan was calling him inside from the other side of the door. 

Chan was sitting at his computer when Seungmin walked in.

“Hey Minnie,” he said with a smile. “What are you doing here? I thought everyone was going home.”

Seungmin shrugged. “Wanted to spend time with you. I’ve barely seen you today.”

“You had a busy day, didn’t you?”

“Always had somewhere to be.”

By now, Seungmin had taken a seat on the couch in the studio. It was easy to fall into the comfort of the two of them alone in the studio. Seungmin just hoped that Chan couldn’t feel the anxiety radiating off of him.

“Well, I won’t be that much longer.” Chan turned back to whatever he was working on. “Neither of us are staying out late tonight.”

The pair lapsed into silence as Seungmin mindlessly scrolled on his phone and Chan resumed his work. Eventually, Seungmin grew bored of the nothingness on his phone and just watched Chan work. Seeing Chan in his element was one of Seungmin’s favorite things. Watching how he seemed to do everything with ease blew Seungmin’s mind. 

Chan must’ve felt Seungmin’s gaze at one point because Seungmin watched him save his work and turn his chair around so that he was facing the younger boy.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” Seungmin asked in confusion.

Without answering, Chan got up and sat on the couch next to Seungmin. 

“You always ask me before you join me here. Not that I mind or anything. It was a nice surprise but still.” Chan pointed out. “You were also acting off during dance practice today.”

Seungmin just shrugged.

“Please talk to me, baby. What’s going on?”

“It’s nothing.”

Chan was setting him up perfectly but he still couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

“Please. It worries me when you keep everything to yourself. I want to be able to help you.”

“I’ve been lying to you all.”

It wasn’t as eloquent of a start as he had hoped but, it was something. 

“What do you mean?”

All he had to do was say it. It was just three measly little words.

He couldn’t do it.

“Seungmin?”

Chan was looking at him with so much concern in his eyes that Seungmin had to look down at his hands in his lap because otherwise he felt like he was going to explode. Chan just took one of Seungmin’s hands in his own. 

“I am transgender.”

The words were out of his mouth before he knew it. He kept his eyes glued to his lap, not waiting to see any part of Chan’s reaction.

The silence dragged on for what felt like hours before Chan finally said something.

“I’m proud of you for telling me, puppy.” Chan’s voice sounded sincere. 

“I should’ve told you before I joined the group or at least sooner than this. I just got so comfortable with everyone that I didn’t know if I could handle losing you all. I couldn’t be alone again.” Seungmin knew that he was rambling but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. “I thought I could hide this and that nobody would have to know. More and more people keep talking about it. People have started posing my fucking preschool class picture. I wanted you to find out from me. I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I understand if you hate me for this or if you think I’m disgusting.”

“Woah, baby, no never.” Chan said. “I’m so proud of you for telling me. I know that had to be hard. I don’t hate you at all. If anything, I love you even more.”

“Really?”

Seungmin didn’t want to let himself believe that Chan was just so okay with this. 

“Of course. I speak for the whole group when I say that our love for you is unconditional and that you will always have a home with us no matter what.”

“But-”

“No buts, Seungmin.” Chan was firm with his words. “Is there anything that we, I, can do to make you more comfortable?”

“Oh, no.” Seungmin knew that there was a possibility that Chan would support him but he never thought that it would be to this extent. “I’ve been out for most of my life so nothing like that has been a problem. You guys have all been perfect.”

Chan places a quick kiss on the top of his head. 

“Would you ever want to come out publicly?”

“Maybe,” Seungmin answered honestly. “I used to be really open about it but being a trans kid in middle and high school is really fucking hard. I’m nowhere near ready for the whole world to have an opinion on me because of this.”

“I can’t even imagine how hard that would be. You are so strong.”

“I wanted to tell you all sooner but I’ve lost so so many friends over this. You guys are so much more to me than just that. You are so much more to me than that. I couldn’t handle losing you all.”

“I’m sorry that you just being who you are has made people not like you. They don’t deserve someone as amazing as you in their life.” Chan wrapped an arm around Seungmin pulling him close. “If one day you want to tell the rest of the group, just know they will love you for who you are.”

“I’d like to tell them one day.”

“I’ll be beside you the whole time.”

“Thank you for…just being so amazing about this.” Seungmin whispered. At first he wasn’t sure if Chan even heard him.

“Always, my love.”

Seungmin closed his eyes and let his body relax against Chan’s. All of the worry seemed to have left his body. He was grateful to have the older boy. 

“I love you.”

[twobluegoldfish]

new kid in town ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

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an: hey guys!! this is my first smau in like two years so please bear w me

synopsis: after moving an hour away from the only place he had ever called home, dawit joins a new dance studio - home to a popular dance group. most of the members welcome him with open arms, but there's one that has no interest in getting to know him.

taglist open (:

[twobluegoldfish]

profiles ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

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amin & friends

wish & friends

synopsis: after moving an hour away from the only place he had ever called home, dawit joins a new dance studio - home to a popular dance group. most of the members welcome him with open arms, but there's one that has no interest in getting to know him.

taglist: open (:

[twobluegoldfish]

dancing in the dark ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

pairing: wish x amin synopsis: after moving an hour away from the only place he had ever called home, dawit joins a new dance studio - home to a popular dance group. most of the members welcome him with open arms, but there's one that has no interest in getting to know him. genre: socmed au, smau, angst, fluff, strangers to lovers status: ongoing

table of contents ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

profiles

ch 1. new kid in town

ch 2. new friends?

ch 3. not in the group.

ch4. late night studying

ch 5. i know

ch 6. coming soon...

taglist is open (:

masterlist

[twobluegoldfish]

waiting to die - 2min

pairing: kim seungmin x lee minho synopsis: Simply put, Seungmin was a firm believer in the fact that he wasn’t meant to live a long life. From the moment that he could actually conceptualize what death meant, he knew that his own would be sooner rather than later. That was just how it was. wc: 2,927 | masterlist

Simply put, Seungmin was a firm believer in the fact that he wasn’t meant to live a long life. From the moment that he could actually conceptualize what death meant, he knew that his own would be sooner rather than later. That was just how it was. 

Whenever he was asked about the future, he wasn’t able to give an answer because he just didn’t know. He never saw a future for himself. He had come to terms with it.

Now, even being 23 years old and internationally famous, he still didn’t think there was much of a future for him. He loved what he did with everything in him and even more than that he loved the people he got to experience life with. 

The other members in his group had become his lifeline essentially. He had seen some of the best and worst moments with them by his side. 

Nevertheless, his future was practically nonexistent.

Except for when he was with Minho.

In those moments, Seungmin felt like he could live forever. Minho brought out a life in him that he didn’t even know existed. It was sometimes overwhelming. 

With Minho - he could live.

— — —

Seungmin had always been one of the members that greatly enjoyed touring. He said he liked visiting all sorts of new places with his favorite people. The band was currently in Amsterdam; a place that none of them have ever visited. Out of all the stops on this tour, this was one of the ones that Seungmin had been looking forward to the most. He’d seen tons of pictures of the city and had always wanted to experience the beauty in person.

However, they were staying there for a minimal amount of time. That meant that he wouldn’t get to see anything except for what he could watch pass by him as they traveled from the hotel to the area that they were performing in. Seungmin was more than disappointed when he found this out. 

He knew that this was the case for most of the cities they stopped in. There were always some special circumstances where the company allotted for an extra day in certain cities and the boys were able to go out and explore. He had hoped that would be the case for Amsterdam.

And of course, it wasn’t.

Seungmin didn’t want to dwell on it for too long, but the disappointment only returned stronger on the first ride to the venue. They had landed the night before so he hadn’t been able to really see the city on the initial bus ride to the hotel. Now that the sun was shining in the sky, his eyes were glued to the landscape passing by. Trying to catch every small detail that he could as it flew past the window.

It only left him wanting more.

— — —

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Minnie?” Hyunjin asks, taking a seat next to him on the couch in their dressing room. “You’ve been quiet all day.”

“I think I’m just tired,” he answers with a simple shrug. He wasn’t going to sit here and complain about something that was a choice management had made. “We didn’t get to the hotel until really late and I just couldn’t seem to fall asleep either.”

“I’m glad I’m not the only one who had trouble sleeping.” Changbin says, joining in on their conversation. “Even after years of this, I’ve never been able to get used to sleeping in a bunch of random places. It always takes me at least one night in a place before I’m able to get a decent sleep.” 

Seungmin is glad about Changbin’s intrusion on their conversation. It had taken most of the attention off of him and allowed for him to slip back into his own head. He knew it wasn’t a good thing to be doing, but he couldn’t help it.

This was one place that he had always wanted to visit and he was here. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to make it here again.

This was his one shot.

And he was watching it slip through his fingers right in front of his eyes.

Luckily, their break was over just a few minutes later. Before management had let them take a break, they had gone through all of the blocking for their performance. Now that everything regarding that was taken care of, it was time to do an actual runthrough of the show. Making sure that everyone was familiar with the placement and sizing of things on this new stage.

He couldn’t lie and say he was upset about having to do this. Although he wasn’t known as one of the main dancers in the group, he always enjoyed it. He wasn’t a fan of the gym like some of his other members were, so dancing still allowed for him to move which often helped him get out of his head when he felt like he was stuck inside of it. 

This time, it helped. After running through all of the dances, he was feeling better than he had been that morning.

The group was dismissed and sent back to the dressing room to change and get ready to leave. Once they all started walking, Minho wrapped his arms around Seungmin from behind. Seungmin melted into the touch.

“Hi, puppy.” Minho greets, a small smile on his face. “I haven’t spent enough time with you today. I miss you.”

“I’ve been with you all day, hyung.” Seungmin replies with a laugh. 

“Still.” Minho pouts.

“I did miss you too, though. Off the record.”

“Off the record?” Minho feigns being hurt. “I see how it is, Kim Seungmin.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

— — —

Dread builds up inside of Seungmin once again as the group finally leave the venue and back out into the city. Being inside for hours without being able to see the outside had let Seungmin almost forget where they were. 

Almost. 

It was enough for the good mood that dancing had put him in to fizzle away completely. Pulling his hood over his eyes, he hoped it was enough to signal to everyone else that he wasn’t really in the mood to talk. 

It worked.

They made it back to the hotel without anyone saying a word to him. Until they were out of the van and back in the lobby of their hotel.

“What does everyone want to eat for dinner tonight?” Chan asked the group. “Management will go out to pick it up for us and bring it back. We are all meant to be resting tonight to prepare for our show tomorrow. That means no late nights.”

They all knew that by now. They got this speech the night before every single show that they had on this tour.

“That includes you too, Chan hyung.” Felix says, making some of the other members laugh.

As the rest of the boys got into a strangely heated discussion about what they should order to eat, Seungmin found himself standing back a bit from the rest of the group.

If he was being honest, he wasn’t really in the mood to eat and the sound of everything they were mentioning was making him feel sick to his stomach.

Seungmin hadn’t even noticed how Minho had also migrated away from the rest of the group and was now standing next to him.

“Have they said anything that you think sounds good?” Minho asks him quietly.

He knew that he was being really obvious. He was only ever this quiet when he was feeling bad. And Minho could read him like a book. He somehow always knew how Seungmin was feeling even when Seungmin didn’t have the words to describe it. He didn’t understand how, but Minho just got him.

Minho made him feel seen.

“Not really.”

“Not even one of the things they’ve said has sounded any good to you?”

“No. I’m not really hungry.” He adds a shrug to make it seem like a complete non-problem but Minho knows him better than that.

“You have to eat, you know.” Minho points out. “Even if it isn’t a lot.”

“I will, hyung.” He hopes that it’s enough to convince Minho. He hates lying to his members. Especially Minho. But, the one thing he hates more than lying to his members is talking about how he feels.

“Good.”

At some point, the dinner discussion comes to an end. Seungmin assumed the rest of the group had made a decision but he didn’t really care enough to ask. They’re all instructed to go up to their rooms and that one of the managers will bring them their food.

For this tour, everyone had been getting their own rooms at each of the hotels they stayed at. Seungmin was glad about that. He enjoyed spending time with his members but when they’re on tour and around each other practically 24/7, it could get overwhelming. 

The second the door shuts behind him, Seungmin is engulfed into silence. He knows that his thoughts are still in the beginning stages of a spiral but he decides to ignore it and hope it doesn’t get worse.

He is laying on his bed just staring at the ceiling when he hears a knock on the door. The sound instantly snaps him out of his head. He lays there for a moment before finally getting up to see who is at the door. It was the manager, with his food. He should have expected it but he had forgotten that he was also getting food.

He had no idea what it was and also had absolutely no intention of opening it. Setting it on the desk, he goes to the back down on the bed.

— — —

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

Seungmin has no idea how much time has passed since he had been given his food. The moment he had laid back on the bed, the rest of the world melted away and it was just Seungmin alone with his thoughts. Wondering just how much of his life was in his own control. How he could be living his literal dream and still spend his days just waiting to die. How he was letting his time waste away.

Knock.

Knock.

The knocking resumes to remind him that there really is someone at his door. Groaning, he pulls his body up to go see who is out there. 

The second he pulls the door open to see, Minho is walking past him and into his room. Accepting his fate, and also not really minding, Seungmin just shuts the door and follows Minho into his own room.

“You didn’t eat.” Minho immediately points out.

“It hasn’t been too long. I was saving it for later.” Seungmin hates how easily the lie rolls off his tongue.

“Min, it’s been almost two hours.”

Oh.

Had he really lost that much time in his own head?

He stays silent, not knowing how much of what he just realized that he wants to admit to Minho.

“What’s going on with you? You’ve been quiet all day and now you’re not eating.” There’s no trace of any accusatory tone to Minho’s voice. Only genuine concern. “Are you okay, Seungmin?”

He doesn’t have an answer to that question. 

If he did, however, it would probably be no.

“Please talk to me. I want to help.” 

“It’s stupid.” Seungmin says before he can stop himself.

“It’s not.”

“You don’t even know what it is.”

“I don’t but I’ve never seen you like this. So…upset.” Minho continues. “There’s something that is bothering you and if it’s bothering you this bad then nothing about it is stupid.”

Seungmin is silent for a few moments.

“This is the city I’ve always wanted to visit most.” He starts. “Ever since I was little and saw pictures of it, I was in love. It always seemed so far away though and I always assumed that I would never be able to visit. Now I’m here.”

He pauses for a second and Minho remains quiet, not wanting to deter Seungmin from saying anything he might want to.

“I don’t even get to actually see it. Besides this hotel, the airport, and the stupid fucking venue. I get to see it from the windows of the vans. I get to see glimpses in the few moments they let us outside. I’m here for the first, and probably last, time and I don’t even get to see anything.”

“We can always come back here. Sometime after Stray Kids or maybe even on a break.” 

That could be years from now before they get enough time to come back to a country that is on a completely different continent. 

Did Seungmin even have years to wait?

“What if there isn’t a later?” he asks so quietly that he isn’t even sure that Minho heard him.

“There is a right now.” Minho points out. “What if we went to explore? Just me and you. Right now.”

“I would like that a lot.”

— — —

The cool air against Seungmin’s face feels refreshing. Minho’s hand in his feels warm against the brisk night. The storm cloud that had been over Seungmin all day started to fade away.

Seungmin wasn’t sure that he and Minho would be able to pull it off so he hadn’t let himself get his hopes up too high. But here they were. Outside of the hotel and in the streets of Amsterdam. 

Finally.

“Where do you want to go first?” Minho asks him.

“I want to go find one of the canals.” Seungmin answers without hesitation. “They’ve been some of my favorite pictures I’ve seen. They look so pretty during the day. I’m sure they look even better at night when they’re being lit up by the streetlights.”

“Then off to the canals we go!” Minho says with a laugh. “You’re really cute when you get excited like that.”

Even in the dim lighting coming from the lights above them, Minho can see the blush that paints Seungmin’s cheeks.

Despite having no idea where he’s supposed to be going, Minho leads Seungmin through the streets of Amsterdam. Everything is quiet and there is very little life in the city. Considering that it was nearly 2am by the time that the two had managed to sneak past the security that was placed on their hall for them. 

Seungmin didn’t mind though. In fact, he relished in the fact that it felt like he and Minho were the only people in the world. 

Thankfully, it wasn’t hard to find a canal. Minho knew vaguely that they were all over the city so they were bound to find at least one.

To Seungmin, it was even more breathtaking than he had been expecting it to be. The specific part of the canals that they had found had a bridge that was decorated with a string of lights. The lights reflecting off of the water made it even more beautiful. 

Minho was also enjoying the sights but he was enjoying just watching Seungmin a whole lot more. The boy looked like the happiest and most carefree person and knowing that Minho was the one who helped in letting him feel that way made Minho’s heart flutter. 

The two ended up walking wherever their feet decided to take them, absolutely no destination in mind. Minho wanted to show Seungmin as much of the city as they could possibly see before they had to head back.

Their hands stayed intertwined the whole time, neither of them mentioning it but both of them liking it. 

Seungmin was taking loads of pictures of everything he saw. Minho snapped a few too but most of the pictures he took were of Seungmin. There was one that he took where Seungmin’s eyes were literally shining with the lights from all around him. In each picture that Minho took, Seungmin looked fully and completely happy. 

The two decided to sit on a bench, overlooking a new part of the canal, to give themselves a little bit of a break.

“Thank you, hyung.” Seungmin says, looking over at Minho. “Really. This is everything that I have ever dreamed of and it wouldn’t have happened without you.”

“Now you know what you’re in for when we come back to actually spend time here.” Minho replies. “Just me and you again.”

“Do you mean that?”

For the first time in his life, Seungmin is able to imagine himself in the future. Him and Minho. Walking around the city during the day, still hand in hand. Him and Minho getting food from one of the many restaurants that they had passed. Him and Minho visiting the museums that Seungmin had read about countless times.

Him and Minho.

Here.

Together.

In the future.

“I mean it Seungmin. There is nothing more I want than to be able to take you back here.” Minho’s voice is filled with sincerity. 

He means it.

“I would love that.” Seungmin says, his voice a whisper. 

“Good.” Minho smiles at him. “It’s a date then, Kim Seungmin.”

For the first time ever, Seungmin finds something to live for. Someone to live for. He sees himself, years in the future, here with Minho. He sees him and all of his band members together as they grow older.

Most importantly, he sees himself.

He sees a future for himself.

Kim Seungmin is going to live to see the day that he and Minho come back here together. Even if it kills him.

[twobluegoldfish]

Fishy's Masterlist

| he/him | 21 | ao3 | requests open |

☼ smau ☽ written ☆ on-going ★ completed Stray Kids - waiting to die -2min ☽★ - glue myself shut -trans!kim seungmin ☽★ - notice -seungmin x chan ☽★ - why can't you hate me? -2min ☽★

Epex - dancing in the dark ☼☆