typing-shit-helps

[typing-shit-helps]

You know what really irks me...

When I post about my weight loss and people are all in my DMs like “omg how did you do it?” “Please tell me what you’re doing because I also need to lose weight” blah blah.

Like I’ll tell you straight up, I had weight loss surgery but if I would have known before surgery what I know now about food, I would have been so much better off. I follow up the “I had weight loss surgery” with “my whole mindset and lifestyle with food has had to change” and then I lay out what I eat, how I eat, what I think when I eat, etc. Then those people are like “oh that’s so great for you, I’m going to try your diet. I’m so serious about losing weight” then they post a huge bowl of pasta or them going through a fast food drive through.

Like I’m all for living your life but if you want to change your current weight and lifestyle/mindset with food maybe start by making little changes and not eating a whole plate of Olive Garden Alfredo or a number 3 with fries and a large soda.

Mindset is everything and people tell me everyday I took toluene easy way out by having surgery and that is so far from the truth.

[typing-shit-helps]

Don’t tell me you’ll be here at 10ish and not get here until like after noon.

I originally said “afternoon” you said “how about 10ish..”

Like don’t counter my after noon if you’re not going to be here when you said you wanted to.

I’m ANNOYED!!!!!

Like I know you were up playing video games like just tell me you were playing video games. I can see when you’re on discord, I’m not fucking stupid. Like if you hadn’t slept yet then why say 10ish if you had no intentions

[typing-shit-helps]

I really am too forgiving

Like to a fault

This man legitimately fucked a whole ass female a few weeks ago. I have to remember that we are not an official item. I have to think like Alex Cooper. I am daddy gang. I could be fucking other dudes because we literally owe nothing to each other, we aren’t anything.

But fuck does it hurt knowing he did that shit. And a psychotic ex at that. Like dude. Wtf. And he lied about it and kept information from me. How can you go through what you’ve gone through and be that shitty of a human.

Imma let him figure his shit out. Get rid of this insane ass lady and then maybe try again. Trust will have to be rebuilt for DAMN sure

Like imma need his location services turned back on. Idk what else but that’s a good ass starting point.

Like I’m pissed but I’m also sad that I keep inviting these fucking men into my life that keep saying the same shit and doing the same things. Like fuck

Maybe he will be different

Maybe, hopefully, after he figures his shit out we can have a fresh start and he can grow into a better human.

God damn capricorn in me always wanting a fucking project but like he’s been through some shit and deserves some grace. I want to be that person for him. I can’t get too attached though. I can’t fix him for someone else. I can’t go through that again.

We shall see

[typing-shit-helps]

If I tell you I’ve been overthinking and you ask about what and I give you a novel of things, the ideal thing would be for you to address each of those things...not just not fucking respond. I tell you “I’m feeling insecure” and you don’t reapond? Yeah that makes me feel really fucking secure.

Like I am so sorry that my insecurities and anxieties are too much for you but you knew this before last night. You knew I had them. I’ve been nothing but open and honest about these things and all I need is a little god damn reassurance but you can’t even give me a response.

Are you telling your best girl friend about all this and is she telling you I’m too broken and you’re going to ditch me now that you got your dick sucked? Like a simple response is all I need to calm me down but you can’t even give me that so here I am at 5am in a mini anxiety attack because I am thinking about you not responding which is something I can’t control.

My thoughts are racing

I can’t get back to slee because all I can think is that you’re going to tell me “yeah actually last night was too weird, I can’t see you anymore” but you didn’t want to respond to my anxious thoughts with that so you’re waiting until the next morning/afternoon to let me down. Those are my thoughts. That is why I can’t sleep. All I need is a response. But no.

[typing-shit-helps]

Anxiety is here again.

I thought our night went well last night. We did some touching, seemed like everything was fine. Today he’s super short with me, taking like an hour to two hours to reply, when he does reply it’s like super basic, and when I ask “is everything okay, you haven’t realy said much today” he says absolutely nothing....

I said “could be my anxiety though” which it probably is and everything is fine but no response makes me freak out even more and he knows that. All I can hope is that he’s just playing a video game or in and out of slumber today since we did stay up hella late last night but I’m still freaking out a tad.

I just need him to say some kind of something to reassure me that things are fine and he wasn’t just waiting to get in my pants.

[typing-shit-helps]

I feel like he’s not interested in talking to me anymore because of the length between texts and content of the texts but it could also be like a busy week for him and maybe he’s like that with everyone.

I don’t want to be annoying and be like, do you still want to talk to me? Are you still wanting to pursue whatever this is? Because then he may be like “absolutely not because you keep fucking asking” but like he’s not texting me like normal so I feel like something is off...

Idk do other people have these thoughts or are yalls asses normal?

[typing-shit-helps]

I really just want to send a text that’s like;

If you’re trying to figure out a way to tell me you’d rather be friends and not pursue this romantically just tell me that you don’t see this going anywhere. Like I have enough friends, I don’t want to be “friends” with you. I’ve had enough guys in my lifetime give me the whole “I just see you as a friend” spiel. Save it. Literally all you have to say is “I don’t see this developing into anything romantic”

I will say “thank you for being honest” then we won’t ever have to talk again but being completely silent...

Not opening my snapchats, not replying to my texts and when you do they’re 1 worded, like that’s childish shit homie. Just be a fucking adult and tell me.

Do not make me text you the above statement...

Then I look fucking crazy

[typing-shit-helps]

Also how dare you talk me into “trying it again” when all you’re going to do is ghost me?

[typing-shit-helps]

Why do I let people in so easily? Why do I get attached? Why do I trust that when someone says “I won’t ghost you, I promise I’d tell you if something was up”. It happens every fucking time.

What’s wrong with me?

I tell people to just let me know if they’re not going to text me all day so I don’t wait for a response like a fucking idiot.

That’s all I ask for is that you don’t make me look stupid....and what happens every single fucking time?

I look like an idiot.

I should have known when he wouldn’t make eye contact with me when we first officially met. He should have looked at me. I put it off but now it makes sense, I didn’t look the way he thought I would and he couldn’t look at me.

Why tell me one day you enjoy talking to me but then don’t talk to me at all the next? Shit doesn’t make sense.

Are you busy?

Are you purposely ignoring me?

Idk but it sure doesn’t help my anxiety one fucking bit.

[typing-shit-helps]

Update: boy texted me and wants to give us another shot and will be more honest.

I’m very skeptical but we shall see. Fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, I’ll slash your tires for making me look like a fucking idiot.

If one of my best friends can marry a guy that full blown cheated on her and another whom she caught sexting other girls and forgave him, I can give him a second chance.

Old me would have said absolutely the fuck not. Bye. See ya. But everyone deserves a second chance and we shall see how this goes.....

[typing-shit-helps]

I updated all of my dating apps. Took new pictures. Edited my bios. Now I am rebranding to hopefully not attract fuck nuggets like those before.

I vow to myself to take things very slow with whomever I start to talk to. Have a slight wall up, not automatically get super attached when they tell me about their personal lives.

Trust No Man

[typing-shit-helps]

I blame a lot of my internal issues with relationships on the fact that I didn’t date until sophomore year of college.

Before college, I was super into sports and my grades. I had a social life but never had any confidence to go after anyone to date. I liked the same boy from 6th-9th grade then moved and had the same crush on another boy from 10th-12th grade. I’m a loyal bitch, that’s for sure.

Freshman year of college I was just pumped at the whole new pool of people I could meet. I used a fake northern accent because I thought it was hilarious and thought it’d make me memorable... it didn’t. I was fucking annoying. I had my first encounter with a boy who’d slid into my DMs on twitter and asked me to his fraternity’s camp out event. I’d never had any boy show any interest in me so of course I went but had my guard up. He tried to get me drunk (little did he know I can hold my liquor) when I was tired, I got into our tent and he started touching me and attempted to take my pants off. When I asked him what he was doing he responded with “this is what you came here for” I said “no it’s not” and I punched him in the dick. I didn’t want to be a statistic. A lot of freshmen girls lose their virginity at these camp outs and no thanks.

Had a huge wall up until I met my first “real” boyfriend. I still think about him sometimes. It wasn’t a very long relationship. We were better as friends but if I could redo that relationship now, I think it’d be a pretty great thing. I had no confidence in myself with him. None whatsoever. I didn’t know what to do in a relationship and I was 20 years old. I felt so bad that I couldn’t give him what I thought he wanted because of my low self esteem I distanced myself and told him we are better as friends. We tried again about a year later and i still had no confidence in myself. He now lives in Texas and is living his dream with a girl who seems to make him happy. Truly happy for him. He did nothing wrong. That was all me.

I had “talked” to a few guys between that relationship. Everyone of them ended in me being ghosted. Which is a great feeling.

I met my first “love” at 23. We were like the same person. We got each other and it was great. About 5 months in, he took a job in Minnesota. Which was great at first. We did long distance, I visited when I could and I even made plans to move up there to finish my masters degree. He became super distant at around our 1 year mark. I had found out that no one knew that we had been dating for a year. He hadn’t told his family or friends so I was a huge secret. Which made me think that I’m not worthy of being someone’s anything. I had given this man everything of me. I rearranged my life for someone that didn’t make me a priority enough to share my existence with people he was closest to. He had struggled with depression and alcoholism before he met me but once he was “alone” in the cold he fell back into that and pushed me away. Lied to me for over a year about our future plans, he made me believe that we had something but it was all a lie.

We stopped all communication until about a year to the day we had broken things off. He texted me and apologized because truly I was the best friend he could ever ask for. And you’re damn right I was. I’m a great ass person who gives their all to everyone they hold close to them. He wasn’t getting off that easy though. I knew we weren’t going to date again but it was nice to have him as a friend since we are so alike. We talk every now and then just to check in. He has a live in girlfriend of 8 months and they even got a cat together. Which like good for them but I want that. Not with him, just in general.

Between first “love” and today I’ve “talked” to a few guys. Kind of became a hoe hoe because I realized how much I liked sex after we had broken up. They all ended in “we are just better as friends” which is so fucking frustrating.

I was with this one guy for 3 months. He asked me to be his girlfriend like 3 weeks in which I thought was weird but whatever we were hanging out every other day, screwing like rabbits, why not put a label on it? I took his virginity, he was very nice, wanted to spend time with me and wanted to know about my life. I noticed that he was feeling down and distant in November of 2019 so I asked him about it. He then goes on to day he’s been lying for the last month about what he’s been doing. He hasn’t been going to work when he says he is, which like whatever, just tell me. He also has been lying about where he is when we are supposed to hang out. Being lied to is my biggest pet peeve. It doesn’t take a lot to be fucking honest. But he then goes on to basically say “it’s not you it’s me” I say okay But I was worried because he was feeling depressed and it’s the same shit I went through with first love so I wanted to be a friend. The entire time I’m checking in weekly making sure he’s okay, once again, doing more for someone who is giving me nothing. He asks me in January about possibly becoming FWB. Which at this point I don’t think is a good idea because you’re still getting through something and idk what it is and I don’t want to damage your growth. I look on Facebook and 2 days after he had asked me that, he is in a relationship with someone I thought was my friend. I messaged her something along the lines of “congrats but I just want to let you know he wasn’t ready for a relationship in November and asked me to be FWB with him like 2 days ago, just be careful. You deserve more” or whatever. She then goes and blocks me! I haven’t heard shit from her since. I then went slap tf off on this boy for 1 lying to me about him talking to someone and 2 telling me it wasn’t my fault when it clearly was. They both blocked me and apparently they’re still dating according to my fake Facebook. Which like good for you, glad you could find someone that can handle your fuck shit.

Now this brings me to today. I had a life changing surgery in May. I was talking to a guy that had the same in December since a little before my surgery and things were decent. We have the same interests for the most part and he’s pretty nice. It being Covid season and my healing process we weren’t able to really hangout. A few weeks ago I was finally feeling up to a first date thing aaaand he canceled. He was exposed to covid and had to quarantine. I have those receipts, all facts. He met me and bought me shrimp but we stayed in our cars. Super sweet. Then his quarantine goes by, we plan another “date”. He cancels. This time he gives me this whole story about how he has to pick up his cousins kids from a situation, blah blah, pulling at my heart strings because he knows good and damn well I have a soft spot for kids. Totally understandable, just let me know when you get home. Texts me when he gets home, great. The next day he’s like “just got done dropping the kids off, be home in about 45 minutes “ which was weird because I had just looked at snap maps (not to stalk him but to look in general) and he was at home 7 minutes before he sent that text. I screenshot it so I could have proof. So I asked him why his snap location showed him at home and he gave me some shut about him being 45 minutes away and I was like huh, snap maps are pretty accurate and constantly update so you’re being sketchy my dude. Then he turns it on me to make me feel crazy for even thinking he would lie about that and for checking in on him through his location. And he’s like I’m going to need a bit to think it over. Think what over bitch? The fact that you were caught in a lie!? Like he made me feel so crazy and insane for even thinking he would lie but then I realized, that’s gaslighting and I do not have the time for a human that does that shit. He still hasn’t texted me back but even if he does.... I deserve better and sorry dude, I know my worth and you’re not it chief.

So now I will continue to type here as I think through my personal feelings and hopefully one day I will find someone who gives the same as I put in and we can be happy. Until then, we just on here because typing shit helps.

[typing-shit-helps]

I think my biggest issue is that I gave my absolute all to someone who didn’t even give me a speck of themselves.

I chase the feeling of being able to give my all to someone but I never get that in return.

I always get the same thing, lies, walls, distance...

When am I going to find someone I can give my all to and receive the same in return?

Will I ever get that?

Am I destined to give my all to myself and cats for the rest of my life?

When I love, I love hard and no one does the same anymore. Maybe I need to put more walls up. Maybe I need to be a little more suspicious in relationships. But won’t that make me undesirable? Like I am too broken or damaged?

Idk. My first “love” so late in my life (age 23) really did a number on me and if that makes me incapable of being loved then why does he get happiness? Why does he have a long term, live in girlfriend with a cute cat? Why does he have what I deserve but am unable to obtain because of him?

I don’t get it really.

[typing-shit-helps]

How is my brain not exhausted from all the overthinking it does?

Like my brain just floods with things I have physically no control over. I literally cannot do a damn thing about these situations at this moment, so can you please just shut up...

I just want to enjoy tv or tiktok but I fucking cant because my brains like, nah how about we think about that boy that lied to you or how you’re not good at anything or how you’ll never find love like fuck dude...

I’m fucking tired

[typing-shit-helps]

I am damaged goods and with that comes self sabotage. I find it incredibly difficult to trust someone fully. But you sir, you lied. When confronted you lied more. Then try to make me feel like I’m fucking insane for thinking that you’re capable of such a lie. Major red flags homie. Take your time. Think whatever you need to think over and get back to me because whatever your decision is, my minds made up.

I don’t need someone else in my life trying to manipulate me and gaslight me and make me feel like a crazy person. So thanks, but no thanks. That was fun while it lasted.

[typing-shit-helps]

I told myself I would never make a fake Facebook or instagram and today I did.

I made it because I’m tired of lies. I’m tired of sneaky ass people that try to make me feel stupid. I’m not. I am also so tired of guys thinking they can just lie to my face.

I came across that my recent ex that was “not ready for a relationship” in mid-November was in a relationship (Facebook official, so you know it’s serious) in early January. Not because I saw it on his profile but I saw it on hers because he thought if he just unfriended me, I’d never know. So me being a good human and thought I was giving some “friendly advice” to his new girl, got the official block from not only him, but her in the process. Not a word was sent back to me from either party. They both blocked me on every social media platform and so I made fake accounts just to see when it crumbles because the dude is mentally fucked. She can’t fix him.

After I got my fake account, I decided to check in on my other ex. The ex of over a year and a half decided he wasn’t “ready for a relationship”. We talk on the weekdays mainly because we are good friends now but he’s been seeing this girl with monster teeth for about 8 months now and he sees her on the weekends. He told me about a month ago that he hasn’t had a Facebook in a while (it came up in conversation) so I took a gander. Low and behold the fucker has a Facebook and its full of him and his new girl. Mind you we dated for over a year and a half and he NEVER posted photos of me anywhere so that’s a great shot to the self esteem. I mean we are good friends so I’ll probably call him out on it tomorrow but if I get another lie to my face, I may just officially lose my shit.

Maybe one day I’ll find a genuine human partner, if not I’ll just foster a ton of kittens and live on a farm.

Until then I’ll just sit here and over analyze why I’m incapable of being in a relationship and why God created men if all they’re going to be is lying sacks of garbage.

[typing-shit-helps]

Sometimes I truly don’t know what is wrong with me. Like why am I so incapable of love? Am I destined to be a cat lady that just sits in her apartment and watches anime or is this quarantine getting to me?