uglywhitelies

[uglywhitelies]

Sometimes, I have to ask myself:

"Self, what the actual f*ck?"

[uglywhitelies]

The universe is sick of the mixed signals. No longer will I give energy to a life that no longer serves me. My frequencies are balanced this way.

[uglywhitelies]

I love being in love.

[uglywhitelies]

Swiped

I’ve robbed myself of some of the most beautiful moments in my life .

I’m scared I’ll never hold my beautiful baby . What if I’m never able to feel his tender grip around my finger ? My heart will never heal the same.

Calling it for what it is, I dropped out of college . I wasted funds on wasting time and have learned nothing in that time . My way of thinking has changed.

I moved away from my mom. Although I’ve had so many amazing experience in Florida , I no longer want to convince myself that view is beautiful. I spent more days smiling when I woke up to drool on the side of my brothers face, than I have waking up to Instagram notifications illuminating my room . The sun is blinding .

I feel so numb . I want to be able to cry and scream. I want to smile again and I can’t

[uglywhitelies]

If youre still here reading this...

I guess you should already know that my page is now my diary.

That is all.

[uglywhitelies]

Gibbs

You know why I drink?

Because I have anxiety

I bet you though this would be poetic

Some beautiful prose if you may

No,

I just have anxiety

But when I drink?

I can just be numb for a little bit

I can be happy for a second

I can close my eyes and be at peace

Then I sober as my anxiety kicks in

I no longer dream

Im here in the moment

I cant tell what happens next

I dont know

[uglywhitelies]

Nights

Im sitting outside of a liquor store

I noticed you guitar

The passion grew , the air thick

As the lights ran past your face

Nothing meant more than your guitar

I am in awe

With a childlike blush

I am amazed

It was like art

A moment captured in real time

You were love with a face

[uglywhitelies]

Wax

Ms. Evette

You burned the fabuloso yet ?

In those next few moments my hands were filled with wax

At first I thought you wanted me to just let it sit

I was wrong

“Let it boil” you said

Last night I spoke to God

“I dont wanna make anymore mistakes.”

A sin.

A lie.

Today I boiled the wax

And I waited .

I watched the sky go blue

Then pink.

I let the world be it

As it would me

Thoughts drove faster than the cars around me

I watched you grow nervous

And anxiety

Weary

How could something so bad be so beautiful

The wax is boiling

The first step into your home was always the best

The aroma that feverishly fill my body

Wax

I never burned that fabuloso Evette

I let the wax boil .

[uglywhitelies]

If I could say everything I really wanted to say .. I wouldnt be able to say it all. When I smile, I am miserable because these were the moments I wanted to share with you, and you werent there. I wasnt on your mind the nights I spent in the hospital. It was always someone. Do you know what its like to handle a loss alone ? One that you may never get back? I do. Its always two losses now. I lost my child. Twice. If I could take it back, I would. I hurt myself to make you happy. I gave up a life to save yours . I was selfish in the end. My beautiful baby that I dream about every night and day will never be able to smile because of me. He will never say mother , because what mother sacrifices her child for a man? I said I never wanted to be like my mom yet here I am. Worse . Worse than ever . Everytime I want to be mad, I beat myself up because I know better . I know I need to cut you off. I know I have to give up so much more. I know I need to follow my gut and move on. I know theres a chance at better days . But everytime I let go, I feel like im giving up so much more than just you . I feel like im giving up a whole part of me. Something I worked for. Something that gave me purpose. When we started, I feel like I found a new perspective . I found a reason to want to be alive. I found a reason to want love . Now? Im afraid to love someone like this again. My friends and family are all happy now. They have found love . They have a family. They travel. They laugh. They can sleep at night knowing that when its all said and done, they will have arms that will hold them at night . Including you. But when I sleep, I hold a bottle of liquor and maybe a blunt or two if possible and hope to god its a little easier thw next day. It never is. So I just cling on to the good moments hoping it will be enough. Because its all I will ever have. At what point do you stop and think about me. About all that I go thru for you. At what point and consider that maybe ive already suffered enough. But I also have to ask myself them same: bitch you not done yet ? I cant go to my friends anymore. They all say the same. My family judges me. I dont need anyone else thinking anything less of me. I wanna let go so bad. I just dont really know how to. Aside from it all, we had some amazing times . Maybe im a fool for falling for you . That was my mistake. I shouldve stopped when you flaked on me. Or when you only want to chill in my room or around other people and I cant do anything with you. How about when you put on your daughter that you didnt have other females ? You push me away and throw it in my face when I keep walking . Then im fooled into thinking you want me and fall for it all over again. This is now my fault . I dont want another minute wasted feeling like im not good enough . I deserve so much more than I put myself thru . I deserve to keep all that ive lost . I shouldnt always have to let go but just like everything else , nothing good for me was ever meant to last .

[uglywhitelies]

A prayer

Ive lost so much this year. Ive also gained more in the process.

And although I should be at peace and greatful, I cant help but just listen to others laughter and watch the smiles grow across their faces..

And cry

God, I know im not quick to speak to you, because I cant commit to my own prayers..

But I need you

I need the guidance to a brighter path

One without pain and struggle

I remember saying I didnt want a child

I lost 3

I said I didnt want love

I now give more love than I will ever recieve

I wanted to be alone

I count the doors that have been locked in my face

And I just cry

I ask myself .. is it possible to lose a life you never even wanted ?

The prayers always include sacrifice

But I never get a chance to give up

Because the good was always taken from me before I even had a chance to enjoy it

How do I pray?

What do I even pray for ?

[uglywhitelies]

I do not see the light in you

The child like essence

That should radiate from ones soul

Has gone away in your heart

Be a child

Imagine a life beyond your wildest dreams

Run with the leaves

Smile at the sun

Feel the rush that radiates with a risk

I see no light in you

I try to reach for you

And felt a cold touch with every word

Be a child

Cease each moment

Not ever hitting the finish line

[uglywhitelies]

I wanna be in your zone

I somehow always end up by your side

Tonight I want you to fuck up my sides

Let your fingers run down the curves and slides

Of my spine

Cusp my inner thigh

You know its yours

Letting off slight moans

I let myself blossom for you

In and out

Slower and slower

You let me feel every inch of you

Fill me, breathe me in

Hold it

A rush of me flows around you

Im surrending to your gaze

Letting me melt,

[uglywhitelies]

I lost my job

What do I do? Where will I go from here ? Ive always had dreams but never knew the steps . So here I am again... lost as ever... making up my next move as I go. Some days are better than others but I made a choice..

The same choice

Every.

Single.

Day.

I decided to live . Live in a way that my heart will pump as soon as I wake up .

I wanted to watch a sunrise... and so I did .

I woke up and opened up windows and watched that 7am sun seep thru the leaves . I chose not to be defeated. In the time I spent lost, I wanted to find myself. I have felt the warmth of my tears . This felt so good. It was tears of joy. I havent smiles in so long. Coffee warmed my soul because I can enjoy it and not rid myself of the little things. I gave my time to the world around me. How blind ive been to the amazing people around me . Ive been in a strip club for the second time in my life. Ive met people that I never thought would ever meet. And the food . Omg the fuckin food.

In the process, I began to drift back to you.

[uglywhitelies]

“Its late outside”

As im leaning over the railing

Outside of the dtudio

Just wondering if you would come right back

What if I just left

Would you come and get me ?

My high thoughts skatter through the cooling wind

I feel my thighs grow warmer

How do you do this to me ?

Youre in your work element

I just cant help admire the greatness in front of me

One glance and im blank again

[uglywhitelies]

Finally

I felt it.

His gaze

How it never left mine

Everyone was gone and it was just us

I felt wanted

I didnt have to calculate my moves

And think of some snazzy thing to say next

Naturally, finally.

It seemed so easy

I think to myself “why did I make this seem hard?”

He wanted me

He craved me

I was not crazy for wanting to be home

And enjoying the silence with him

Spiritually, finally.

I was not delicate

He was firm

Both so Inviting

I didnt try to push him away

He was fearless

Courageously, finally.

[uglywhitelies]

I like when you would

Still choose to kiss me

Your palms still caressed the backs of my thighs

You handled me with control

We still do it right

Brick by brick

My walls grew weak with each thrust

Waters wash away the remains

Holy is the ear that recieved my cries

A feeling Satan had to create

My body goes free

My soul belonging to you

It took five

To touch my spine

In this moment I am alive

I am living

You still kissed me

[uglywhitelies]

Because It Was Right

Its 9am.

Im wiping tears from my face . They keep hitting my kitchen counter . Im not supposed to be crying .

I tell myself “this is the right thing to do”

I knew what I said . I also knew how I felt. I want to ne chosen. I wanted to be valued and loved . I wanted to be someones priority. That person they fight with and fight for. So I let you go. Because it was the right thing to do.

Rewarding myself with a bland cup or coffee in a skull cup. My soul felt dead. I cant stomach my food . Images of you pop into my mind and I think of how different things will be . No more trips and late nights. No more smiles with my bestfriend . I have to face the world alone and I no longer feel safe.

This is the way it should be. Neither of us were wrong . We just made a few wrong turns and ran into each other. Dazed and confused when we bumped our heads, we finally cleared the fog. Remembering the times I asked why .. she was the answer. It was never me.

I promise not to be bitter. But I cant always show up. Im not ready to . Im not ready to the world when youre not in it.