ukftm

[ukftm]

How do I get over the guilt of being transgender and a parent? A lot of it probably stems from internalised transphobia instilled in me by family - who disowned me since having children explicitly because I am transgender - but I fear I have doomed my daughters to a life of confusion and alienation. I birthed them, but I was a man before they were born. They have two fathers. I know same sex couples exist, but our situation is so different. I feel immense guilt, and fear a hard life for them.

Hi Anon,

People don’t talk enough about the guilt of being trans and the huge amount of imposter syndrome that comes along with this.

Your are right that the way you have been brought up will effect how you feel about your trans identity and how that makes you feel as a person. Some people benefit greatly from talking therapies because this allows them to get to the core of what it is that they are feeling and work on coping stratagies to address this.

We are also unfortunately in a time where trans hate is very much in the media and the world can sometimes feel against us. But it is important to remember how much you have achieved already. You are someone that has obviously pursued their transition journey, despite what others have thought. Being trans in this world is one of the bravest things you can be.

So by being a trans parent, you’ll be showing your children what it means to be brave and to pursue the things that make a person happy. You’ll also be showing them the true meaning of acceptance for whoever they want to be or whatever they want to pursue. Being a parent is not about gender, it’s about how you love your children, how you love your partner, how you show up for your children and most importantly how you love yourself.

You have to find a way to address your inner demons, specifically the ones that are making you feel like there is something wrong with being trans. A good idea is to make a real effort to drown out media noise, ignore social media, don’t read anything negative about anything trans related and create a bubble for your family that is safe, happy and full of love.

Continue to work on yourself so that you can be the person you have worked hard to become and your children will without a doubt love you for that.

Another idea is to follow other trans families on social media so that you can feel that there are others who are in the same position as you and that is the type of positive social media you may need, especially during your times of doubt.

Time is also a great healer and the more time we give ourselves, the more time we will understand our insecurities, create a bubble for growth and be able to quieten our demons.

Transitioning is a life long journey and one that will have good times and bad times, but as long as you keep showing up for yourself and your family, you will have a happy future and children who love you and are proud of you for the brave person you are.

[ukftm]

Do you know what the current NHS guidance/stance on smear tests is for trans men? I personally would prefer to have one if it's recommended but I'm of the right age and haven't been contacted yet so I'm wondering whether I should chase my GP about it or if it's not needed due to my hormones.

Hi,

Different NHS boards have different procedures for whether they contact transmen or automatically take them off the smear list once you have updated your name/gender marker.

It is always recommended that if you are comfortable, you continue to have your smear tests right up until you have total hysterectomy/vaginectomy. Obviously for some this may not an option due to dysphoria and you should never feel any pressure to have one done if you don’t want to.

So it’s a good idea to chase this up with your GP and make sure you are on their list for a smear test. Take that time to ensure they give you someone with experience of transmen, as this should ensure you have a more sensitive person doing this for you.

[ukftm]

Have you guys recently changed your blog name? Could've sworn it was ftm uk information and the amount of fear I felt when it was gone, lol. Glad to see it isn't and you're still around.

Hi Anon,

We have not changed our blog name. But glad you managed to find us again :).

[ukftm]

hello! thank you for all the work that you do :) the last time i checked anything ftm healthcare related was back when i was first put on the referral lists 5 years ago and ive recently received some updates now, so i was wondering if there is still an element of "proving" your gender when aiming to be prescribed with testosterone. i do already have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and have socially lived as male for years but i do not have a legal name change and my hair is long (and i dont want to cut it), so im a little concerned about it. do you or any followers have any thoughts or advice? thanks!

Hi Anon,

Thanks for the appreciation :).

The ‘proving’ element is something that concerns a lot of people before they start T. But as you already have a GD diagnosis you’ve already done the important part. If you are going on T through the NHS or private you will still be asked questions like what you want from transitioning, when you knew you wanted to transition, why you want to be on T, what operations you want etc, which are all to confirm GD, but as you already have your diagnosis, your appointments will probably just take less time.

In terms of you not having changed your name, there is no time limit on this and you can chose when you want to do that. However, the GRC panel will not accept a GRC application without proof of name change, which needs to be at least two years old. So just something to consider.

In terms of your long hair, don’t worry about that. There are plenty of guys who keep their long hair, it is not a requirement or a sign of being male to have short hair. So enjoy your long hair.

[ukftm]

Do you guys know what the BMI requirements are for bottom surgery?

Hi Anon,

This is dependant on which surgeon you get and which procedure you go for. There are differing reports about their requirements and unfortunately these can often change. So it would be best to ask your surgeon directly during your consultation. That way you will get an accurate answer from the person doing your surgery.

[ukftm]

how often do people tend to have their doses adjusted

Hi Anon,

This depends on the person. If you keep within the correct T level ranges, you won’t need to adjust your doses. This can be difficult in the beginning, but often levels out over time or with trying the different types of T. It can fluctuate, but as long as you are in the correct ranges, you’ll be fine. We provided the T ranges in earlier posts.

Sometimes after being on T for a number of years you may need to adjust your levels. But this is why it is important to take T under the direction of the GIC and your GP, so they can check your levels every few months.

[ukftm]

Are hot flushes a common side effect of reduced testosterone? My endo halved my dose (from 2 pumps to 1 of testogel a day) last week due to concerns over my T level and I've started having hot flushes at night. I want to check that it's a feasible concern that that might be due to my halved dose before I go talking to my endo about it and google is not helping.

Hi Anon,

Hot flushes are a common side effect of being on T and as your levels fluctuate this can affect them. But while it is unlikely anything to worry about, we would always recommend running any side effects by your doctor.

[ukftm]

This is just from this morning for the Newcastle gic

Thanks for sharing.

[ukftm]

A note for everyone to keep in mind, just because you find a piece of information online, does not mean this is how things happen or is what the real life experiences of others has been. It is also worth noting that all NHS boards do things differently, so one piece of information is not relevant to the entire UK. So once again, the information we provide is correct and we provide this not only directly from the NHS (often directly from GPs and surgeons), but from our own experiences, spanning more than a decade and also from the experiences of thousands of transguys across the UK.

It goes without saying that everyone experiences different things on the NHS and we welcome our followers offering their experiences. So perhaps starting a post with ‘My experience has been….or I found this piece of information and I thought it may help’ would be less problematic.

I will ask once again for more consideration of how our posts are responded to.

I'm not the previous anon but I've been wondering the same thing. I want to be referred to as 'Mr' (and then my chosen name when I legally change it) because being called 'Miss' makes me feel very dysphoric. But I'm concerned that changing my gender to male on the paperwork will mean I won't be offered (or might be refused) healthcare checks I might need in the future? (Like cervical smears and such).

Hi Anon,

When you update your name/gender with your GP this does not automatically remove you from the ‘female’ healthcare lists. So you will still be contacted about smears etc. You will continue to be on these lists until you contact the correct NHS departments individually and ask to be removed from their lists. So for example, once someone has had a vaginectomy and would no longer require a smear, they would need to contact the correct NHS departments to be removed from their lists.

However, when your name/gender marker are updated with your GP, you will have to be prepared for NHS staff that contact you about smears etc potentially being confused as to why a male is on ‘female’ healthcare lists. But a short explanation should help them understand your situation and the sensitive nature of this.

[ukftm]

Hi, I’ve seen a lot of negativity directed towards Gender GP, I’ve only ever had mostly very good experiences with them, what are all the reasons that people say they are bad?

cheers x

Hi Anon,

If you have a look through our gender gp posts you should find some information that others have shared about their experiences with Gender gp.

[ukftm]

For people waiting to get an enrolled deed poll back — mine’s just come back recently and it took 11 months since sending the application. I did call them a week or two before it came back and they marked it as urgent as I was moving out and needed it back asap, so it might have taken longer if I hadn’t done that, but just as a general heads up that’s roughly how long it might take

Thanks for sharing.

If you have a look at our other name change posts you’ll see other ways to change your name which do not involve deed polls.

[ukftm]

Hey, do you know if there's any difference in using silicone tape vs gel, in terms of how effective it is? My surgeon recommended strips but they're kind of annoying to put on so I feel like gel would be easier, but I'm a bit nervous to deviate from his instructions 😅

Hi Anon,

They both do the same thing. Silicone gel is a lot more comfortable and easy to apply. Just be aware that it does stain your clothes (and does not wash out), so if you do use it, cover it with something first or put it on at a time where you can be topless for a few hours.

[ukftm]

I wanted to say thank you for running this blog, it's truly a wonderful and incredibly helpful resource for people in the UK, I know I've found many of your posts and responses helpful. I think as well, in the complex and confusing area that is transition and gender care in the UK right now, people are bound to be having different experiences, and I really appreciate that you keep up to date on current NHS policies and procedures and different gender clinics and surgeons. Thank you ever so much for what you do and continue to do.

Thank you, it’s really nice of you to take the time to say this :).

[ukftm]

how long has this blog been running for/ how long will it run for?

Hi Anon,

I took over running this page around 2018 and the admins before me had been running it for a good few years before that. So we have been running this page for quite a while now and let’s just say we have had a lot of personal experience with the NHS during that time and we continue to.

How long we continue to run this page is a good question.

When I have to make posts like my recent one about how followers respond to posts, this can be really disappointing because it can sometimes feel like people are quick to try to discredit our information and be quite rude with their responses, but not so quick to thank us for our information. If you look at the hundreds, if not thousands of posts we have made over the years you will see few people take the time to thank us for answering their questions.

So I will take this time to thank those that do thank me when I respond to your questions or have been nice when asking questions. It is also great when followers leave comments about their experiences, as this helps to give us an idea of what people are experiencing.

It is impossible to know the answers to every question or for us to be aware of everything that is happening throughout the entire UK. So while we know how things should happen in the NHS, it’s important that experiences are shared, as the NHS can often do things that are not in line with their policies.

So I guess the answer to your question is we will keep the page going for as long as our personal circumstances allow us to give the time to it and as long as we feel it is a positive space.

[ukftm]

The other hysto Q just reminded me - I got told by someone at my GIC that my body would get confused if I didn't want to take T and went down the hysto path as my body needed at least one hormone. It sounded weird at the time but I didn't argue as I was focused on top surgery at the time. I know a cis person not on T who's had a hysto. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

Hi,

Yes, it is usually recommended by doctors that you have at least one hormone in your body. There are some trans people that do stop their hormone replacement, but this can come with a list of side effects/issues. As we are not medically trained I would recommend you have a discussion with your GP/GIC so that you can get an accurate and medically trained opinion about the pros and cons of stopping T after a hysterectomy.

[ukftm]

hi not sure if this is the place but i don’t know where to go to. I’m a bisexual trans man who hasn’t ever been with men before, but I’m apprehensive how they’d react. Does anyone have any advice of how I could safely date men/hookups

Hi Anon,

You could join an LGBT support group in your area. This could be a good way to meet people and help you get used to talking to men in a safe space. Some support organisations run events so it may be a nice way to meet people or even just ask other bi people for advice in a place that you know they’ll understand.

Can any of our followers offer their experience?

[ukftm]

Hi, just some info to share. I'm with the Laurels / Exeter GIC and I just had an appointment with my named professional. I expressed a concern about the information going around about GPs stopping people's HRT prescriptions once they are discharged from the GIC. My named professional said sadly this is happening, but it really shouldn't be - and she asserted that if, when I'm discharged, my GP is unhappy to continue HRT or says they don't feel competant, to just get back in touch with them and they would advocate for me/put things right.

I just thought this was worth sharing in case any followers are in a position where they have been discharged and their GP has taken their hormones off them - you may be able to go to your GIC for backup.

Thanks for sharing.