ukhandoit-blog - Tumblr blog

[ukhandoit-blog]

Depression diary day 3

Last night was troubling to say the least. After I got off of work I came straight home to game with some friends over the Internet. I took my time getting a little stoned and eating dinner before jumping on the game, my roommate came and smoked a little with me. It was nice, knowing that even someone who hears our shitty fights everyday can still be my friend. Just before that I got a call from an old friend, Cole in my home town. He told me he and Mike were headed into the city and wanted to hang out. He also let me know he was going to bring liquor. I got excited and texted my fiancé. She was also excited. I got on my computer to play town of Salem after smoking a eating some tuna salads. I had to download discord onto my phone because one of my dogs had chewed up my head set a while back. I got on discord voice and added my pal Evan. We were having a good time rooting out the towns folk from the mafia and hanging the opposing team. When our last game was coming close to the end my GF called me and interrupted my voice chat. I told Evan I had to go cause my GF was calling. I answered the phone sweetly and told her I was on voice chat, and for her to give me a moment to close out the app. I could hear the frustration and worry in her voice as she said "what?!" Astonished. I told her again, that I was just closing out voice chat because I wasn't sure if they could hear us. She was appalled, she started spouting off questions like who was I voice chatting with, why did I need a new chat app, and was I cheating on her. I thought it was kinda funny because discord is known for being the most neck beard place on he Internet and not a place to look for chicks. She did not find that funny and proceeded to yell at me and accuse. I really hated it, I wanted her to stop, she kept going on about how I've threatened to leave her and that it was on her mind and that it was shitty for me to talk to her like that just after he left grandparents left. She was more eloquent than that. I told her if she was so worried about losing me this was not the way to to keep me. That just made her more upset. She took it as a threat. I felt like pure hatred coming at me over the phone. I didn't know what to say. I guess what I said was even more wrong. I wished I had the power in this relationship like she does. When she's mad she's always right and theirs nothing I can do to stop her. That's all I've got in me for now. Maybe I'll do another entry tonight, if remember. -Khandoit

[ukhandoit-blog]

Depression Diary Day 2

Today was pretty boring so I hope I can even remember what happened. Woke up a little early today as my girl had turned to TV up. She has to have the TV on to sleep other wise she just goes nuts from any outside noise, the Tv really bothers me but I've been putting up with it for two years now. Managed to do most of what I need to do to get ready. Showered, pulled the rope twice just like the day before. Put on an old polo I really like, I wore it to the club on Friday but it was still smelling good and with no stains so fuck it. Couldn't find the jeans I wanted, they had my sudafed in the pocket so I've been dealing with congestion all day. I think I'm congested due to the Coke I did Friday night. I had a friend in town and he likes to party hard. I had called up a homie and we found it fast enough. We were blasted until about 6am that night. I only did two lines but my tolerance is real low. So after I put on some grey jeans I noticed my girl was already passed out, so I slinked out the door and realized it was still only 7:50, takes me 15-20 to get to work and it didn't start until 9. I walked into the bathroom and took a healthy poo. That didn't surprise me as I cooked a chicken and vegetable stir fry last night. After the dump out I realized I hadn't charged my vape all night, I had recently quit smoking so it's been rough remembering to charge the vape every night. I decided to bring it and a USB charger despite other capers warnings it would kill my batteries. Haven't noticed any issues like that yet. I went to work made the coffee and immediately hit the phones calling as many clients as possible. I know the end of the month is coming and I need that bonus. No conversions but that didn't matter as my numbers were already good. Had a meeting with the main boss man and he gave us loan partners praises and advice. After the meeting I sat at my desk to make some more calls. I was quickly distracted as the lights went off and the phones went down. I looked up thru the glass surrounding my cube and saw a group of picketers inside my office. Not something I thought I would see, one half of me was like fuck those guys and the other half of me wanted to get up and protest with them. Their signs protested my bosses new apartment renovations saying things like "$top the Greed" and "End the displacement!" They didn't want their rent prices going up to numbers they couldn't afford. I took a picture and sent it to a right wing friend and told him that illegals were protesting my work as a sort of joke. He told me to call ICE on them. Lol like I'd ever do that. I was more likely to call antifa on him. Still tho he's an old friend and I don't mind entertaining him. Laws in this nation are depressing but idk it's a big joke cause there's nothing I can do. After that I went home for lunch and made some ramen like I wanted to the day before. I also tried to make an egg but some how screwed that up... I boiled it but it cracked and I thought that would mean it was done but nope I couldn't even peel it without breaking the white and then it wasn't cooked all the way thru. I tossed it. I made my girl some ramen at the same time and of course she had to question my method. Like I know how to cook instant noodles it's just the boiling and egg part I can't fucking get right! But I didn't get mad I just kept on cooking and did my best to acknowledge her questions. I checked the room and it looked like she had got the old TV from her grandparents house delivered. It's was huge but it's kinda broken. We ate together and she told me she was called into work and that she is working 2pm to 10pm. I checked to make sure the chips I have for a snack were still good gave her a kiss told her I loved her and went back to the grind. I have a cute co-worker at the front desk, she actually asked me how my weekend was, I could tell she meant it. I need friends like that in the office, other wise I just feel like furniture. So far it's been an alright day. I have plans with some far away friends to do some online gaming tonight and I have food in the cupboard, and no woman to piss off until 8pm so I've got three hours of freedom. Now if only I had beer money. Khandoit See you tomorrow if I remember.

[ukhandoit-blog]

Depressed Diary Day 1

I’m starting this online diary because I can’t remember my days. Also I always wanted to be a writer so this is a good place to start.

So I woke up this morning feeling motivated. I’ve been feeling more motivated to go to work and try to have good days lately, it’s probably a manic state but that’s okay. I got up jerked off took a shower jerked off in the shower too. The worst part about my masturbation is I have a girlfriend. She gives me pretty regular sex too so I really have no reason to but I just can’t bring myself to stop. The morning shower is the hardest place not to. I finished getting ready after my shower. Brushed my teeth with some charcoal toothpaste from lush. I noticed it was expired since last July, wonder if that means it won’t work anymore? Only time will tell.(cause I ain’t looking that shit up.) I went to my room and my GF was just waking up, I didn’t even have to tell her to cover her eyes when I was about to turn on the light. I told her I loved her and placed a hand on her leg. I really wanted to just go back to sleep but I kept at it today. I ironed a purple dress shirt and put on my blue jeans, belt, leather jacket, and some unmatched blue socks from a pack my mom had bought for me. I told my girl I loved her again and headed out for the day. On my way out I grabbed my vape, wallet, phone, and, keys. I headed to my beat up RAV4. Couldn’t remember where I parked so I looked in the front and back. It was in the back parked in a safe spot in our complex’s private lot. It was raining today, water poured over the car as I approached. I was glad cause I haven’t washed her in months, maybe even a year. I jumped in the front seat and started her up. It was easy, the car is pretty new but I have tons of dents and scratches. A coworker backed up into the side and knocked down a plastic panel that now hangs on the passenger door until either I get it fixed or something rips it from the car. My license plate hangs from one screw due to a time where my girl and I fought all the way to her dropping me off at my car. I was so mad I hit her bumper and broke the other screw that holds it in a way it can’t be replaced without drilling out the hole. My drive to work was in eventful. I played AM radio and listened to the traffic. “Even though we didn’t get enough rain to leave standing water on the freeways, the 880 is backed up due to several inches of water.” said the traffic host. It hadn’t rained much this winter but it was still better than the drought years that passed. I Arrived at the office after texting and driving the whole way there. Not the safest way to drive but the mornings are just so depressing I often can’t resist. I’ve found that it cures my loneliness temporarily. The office had posting on the door about carpets being cleaned, and not to walk on them too much. I laughed to myself as I knew it wouldn’t change the amount I walked. Not like I could levitate or climb on the walls to avoid the carpet. I entered the office ready to make coffee, had to walk thru the complex as our office is located inside on a corporate condo complex. I said hi to the few people in, David, Jeanessa, Colleen, Leslie(Lacey?), Heather, and Jennifer. I’m so bad with names and we have a Leslie and a Lacey in the office but I’ll be damned if I know the difference. The walls are stark white and the ceiling is tiled with those plaster or insulation tiles they use in schools and office buildings, also white. Rows of two laptop computers on desks of the glass walled cubicles sat humming waiting for the rest of the office to come in. I always make the coffee in our office if I can help it. No one had started it which was kinda surprising as last time Jennifer beat me to the office she had done it before me. Apparently she even had done a better job than me as the filter had over flowed the grounds and some were burned to the bottom of the pot. I grabbed the pot and threw away the used grounds, took the filter, it’s parts, and the pot with me to be cleaned. I rinsed and scrubbed them without soap in the communal sink near the vending machines. After I was done I marched back to the break room to make the coffee. I felt my stomach rumble as I poured the ice cold water into the back of the coffee maker. I hadn’t had breakfast. I was looking forward to making some ramen when I headed home for lunch, I knew I needed to make soup aswel because my fiancé was sick. I texted her to let her know I was excited to see her that night. We’ve been going thru hard times lately. Her grandparents were moving out of state and she spent the last few days seeing them off. She didn’t like that they were leaving and often made it personal, as if she were the reason they were moving away. I let her know I would be home for lunch at 12:30. I wasted my morning, did about 20 mins worth of work between 9 and noon when I was to leave for work, spent the rest of the time posting and looking for memes on my anon Facebook. I even managed to fit an argument about Moana and Disney in my drive back home for lunch. Lunch didn’t go at all as I had pictured. When I walked in my girl was standing I font of an empty wok at the stove, I thought it was strange as she never cooks with my wok. She immediately began to apologize for not have finished lunch. Since I had not expected my sick girlfriend to be cooking at all I quietly accepted and told her it was okay and I had enough time. I was very wrong. She asked me to help cut up some chicken, and I thought I saw about a cup of oil in the wok. “Oh baby that’s too much oil for this wok you only need to coat the pan when you stir-fry.” I told her sternly. “It’s not oil it’s water.” She replied Confused I asked. LOh really what are you making?“ I don’t remember exactly how it goes from here but she was not happy I questioned her and I was not happy either. I hadn’t eaten yet that day and my temper was short. I got pissed off when she couldn’t find a spice she needed. I wonder why the hell she was doing all this in the first place. I needed to be at work in half an hour and she was planning to make sauce from scratch. We fought for an hour, it made me late for work, plus I didn’t get to eat lunch at all. I’m so hungry, it all my fault. Idk what to do but now I’m supposed to cook to make it up to her. I feel like I want to die. I don’t even want to eat anymore. I want to just stop eating all together. I’m considering make this blog a kind of suicide note tracking what happens to an adult male when he stops eating all together. I’m 170 lbs 5'11 and heaviest weight I’ve been in my entire life.

See you tomorrow if I can remember. Khandoit

[ukhandoit-blog]

Something about the colors in the fixates my mind and makes me feel at peace. #peace of mind #headier than thou

It’s a long and beautiful road.