ultimatemisfit

[ultimatemisfit]

Why am I so tired all the damn time

Like whats good. I cant sleep at night, it literally takes me hours to fall asleep. But during the day, when I am supposed to actually do shit, I cant, because I am so tired, that I just want to lay down and sleep the whole damn time. 

Not fair. 

[ultimatemisfit]

Therapy

I had some rough sessions of therapy lately. I always preach about selflove and not judging other people. But if I am brutaly honest, I judge myself the most and for almost everything I do, say, think.. for everything that I am. I beat myself up pretty good. And I dont know why I do it. I beat myself up about that too, because I know I should not talk about myself like that. I feel like I am too much for everyone all the time. I think everybody thinks that I am embarassing and a lot to handle. No one REALLY likes me. I am tolerated. I know a lot of these things arent the truth, maybe none of them are true. And while it helps to know that and aknowledge that, it doesn’t help immedeatly. I still feel the same. The guilt doesn’t go away so easy. I write because I decided to make a habit out of it. But what am I even writing about. I don’t even know. I have the feeling like I can not possibly implement this because I am so bad at it. But that is why I am doing it. Its not about having a perfect outcome the first time you try something new, but about putting an effort in and getting better every time you do it. So thats what I am doing right now. I am getting better. Because I really want to be a writer, but if I never start and never write something .. then I will never be a writer. I won’t even be a bad writer. I already switched topic like three times in this and I also don’t know where to go from here.  I guess a little bit of a game plan would not be the worst idea. But soon soon ... For now I will try to make it a habit and then see, if it gets any better by itself or if I need to put even more effort in. I want to publish stuff. But is tumblr even the right medium for me? Thats another problem: I always think ahead way to many steps. For now I could type these in like a google docs folder, if i had the ability to make one, which I did not. But no, I am thinking if tumblr is right, if there are better sites with maybe a better layout, as if I had the patience to make them pretty. I am thinking about implementing ads, hahha while no one is even clicking my site, because I am also too afraid to use hashtags, because actually I am very afraid someone will see what I am writing here. And think about where someone will read my text and be like YES JUST WHAT THE WORLD NEEDED ... maybe I should write a fanfiction and post it somewhere. Find a niche for me... I don’t know yet and honestly I dont have to. Maybe I will try writing in another language, because whyyyy notttt. 

But this is it for now, I don’t have any more Ideas at the moment... so .. see you tomorrow .... maybe?

[ultimatemisfit]

What the actual fuck

I recently heard a story about a professor, who split his photografy class in half. One side was supposed to work with focus on quantitiy, the other half on quality. To make a very nice story short and boring: the quantity based half produced way better pictures, because by taking so many pictures, they got practice in. So guess what I am doing here. Its funny, because for most of my life I worked exaclty like the other half. I wanted to produce and post something perfect or nothing at all.  I don't know what I am doing, I dont know what I am wrtiting about. I don't even know if I like this website or not. But I will never find out, if I don't try. So I am jsut writing for now. Just typing. Twice a week until I am decent at it. Until I know whats fun to write about, what isn't. Maybe even to see if anything will get any attention. If not, thats okay. I am doing this for my self. So this is it, this is the intro. 

[ultimatemisfit]

A new start… again

So you know about this saying that there are so many letters in the alphabet and so you should not worry if plan A doesn’t turn out the way you want? Well, I am 23 and recently plan D failed miserably, and to be completely honest I did not think of the next step yet, because I would have never imagined, that it would ever come this far. I am at my absolute lowest, I feel horrible and like a loser (which I totally am) and maybe, just maybe, there is someone out here who feels like me and maybe this is just a Journal and no one will ever read this or maybe this will be the only post I’ll ever make, because I never finish anything anyways.