ultrafuckinghatemylife-blog

[ultrafuckinghatemylife-blog]

you made a blog.... in 2020...?

So what is this... What did you just stumble upon.. Another weird girl venting about her problems online? Super original Susan! Well actually, these are tales of my problems. My name is Anna and you will surely get to know me, trust me. I will get into the why and what the purpose of the blog, but right now you’re about to read the regrettable, real moments of my old life. You’re gonna cringe at most, laugh at  some, but really, we are going to grow together a lot. I hated my life, but I changed it. I created this blog because, at the lowest points of my life, I would’ve killed to have a blog like this to help me.

As you can see from my username and overall theme- I hated my life and was literally miserable in my own existence for several years. I hated every inch of my being. My appearance disgusted me, my own voice sent chills down my spin, there was nothing in my life that I “loved”.  Everything was just there. I’ve heard this feeling as being in the passenger seat of your own life. I agreed but. this was like that and you weren’t given aux and the windows were up. I was in the midst of the era of my life I had deemed for myself “to be the beginning of what I’ve always wanted.” Yes, a four-year college. I had graduated from high school and had been admitted to my top college. I was in a good sorority (middle tier baby), made a friend group, lost some weight, and yet I was standing in the frat basement every weekend miserable. I know what you’re thinking - Honey, you just need another shot. That’s the issue, I could never shake the feeling of unfulfillment no matter how wasted, or high (just weed mom), or crossed I was.  I promise you girlies I tried, trust me, shout out out to the fifth stall on my dorm floor. Now before I explain a little bit of my past that led me to the oddly wet floors frat basement floors of a university across the country, I would like to preface that I am in a very privileged place for having an identity crisis as my biggest issue. I am blessed to have lived a middle class lifestyle and do not take it for granted. Most issues will sound like first world problems- because they are. Others have it a lot lot worse, and I am aware some may read my so called issues and roll their eyes. Granted, these are still issues in my book and you’re on my blog so yeah.

My childhood was spent lusting after the High School Musical movies and romanticizing how high school would be for me. I very very quickly found out it was nothing of the sort. Now I wasn’t a weirdo, I wasn’t expecting the seniors to break into song during lunch but I wasn’t expecting to be bullied in my english class. This isn’t a sob story of bullying, but it is a layer in your life that does affect you in life, so it was worth mentioning. I hated the lack of control of my own life in high school, especially not being able to sleep in. I also wasn’t popular, or attractive... I was overweight and tall. A recipe for disaster dating wise in high school. By junior year, I hated every moment of high school. I didn’t go to football games, dances or anything. I skipped my senior prom. I was so unhappy with my life but thought the reason was my circumstance of high school. Things got worse- for respect of my family, and to have some personal things not shared, I won’t be going into details. I will describe the situation that happened from this point on as my trauma event. My trauma event occured my finals week of junior year. It flipped my life upside down, and we moved into my family friends house until the event could be controlled. 

I spent my senior year at this house. In regards to the family friend, he won’t be named but I have great respect and gratitude for him for taking us in. In regards to the house, it was small as fuck and depressing. As senior year went on, I. just fell deeper and deeper down a depression hole. I was super gross honestly- inside and out. I hardly showered, brushed my teeth, ate shittily, never got out of bed and treated myself and others like shit. I also added into this depression concoction of lots of weed, which spiraled me even deeper. I switched between being depressed and manic episodes. I would act so compulsively and was just running numb 24/7. I couldn’t feel anything so I would stay up all night and sleep all day just for the brief head rush from waking up and drinking an energy drink. My depression altered my mindstate so severely it took control of my personality. I destroyed friendships and I even had a boyfriend (for two weeks :P) that I broke up with but then changed my mind all in one day. Needless to say, he broke up with my crazy ass a week after. I continued to do weird, compulsive actions because I only cared about myself. For example,  I would call into work 20 minutes before to say I was sick and I wasn’t coming. I once quit and took it back an hour after. By the end of summer, gained weight, I had one friend, I was jobless, and left my house once a week. Can you say thriving… :)  I wish this was the part of the story where I tell you guys leaving for college was when my life magically turned good.

At the time, I thought that the second I stepped foot onto college, I would immediately be confident, make friends, have straight A’s, and thrive. Well, that can’t really happen when you’ve been severely depressed and spent your summer in your dark, trashed bedroom. The depression was sucked out and replaced with anxiety. You know that feeling of the notification of a test grade being posted and you’re clicking it waiting for it load. I felt that way 24/7. I had the normal beginning college feeling of “I can’t make friends” and felt the pressure too but I did succeed in adopting a nicotine addiction. Something about being able to feel nothing will have you doing anything for that twenty-second head rush from a Juul rip. I experienced male attention for the first time and lost my virginity. I didn’t understand hook up culture, so I thought the situation was much deeper than it was so when he wasn’t interested else wise, I was crushed. The next thing I did was make out with his old roommate, and made him snapchat me to the guy. Trust me, I know how weird I was to do this. I did so many weird things with guys that any female with common sense would be like ???? but clearly I didn’t have common sense. I mooched off people for Juul rips, and to smoke weed, anything to not have to live in my own reality.

I’m writing this in the past tense, so keep in mind I never realized during any of this what role I was playing, I just deemed life bad. I finally realized how awful life seemed to me over winter break, I thought my only issue was my nicotine addiction. Quitting made life appeared brighter, but it led me  to see my real life that I had hidden behind weed and nicotine. I realized nothing had changed from that dark bedroom Anna and Anna in college. I began to reflect over my life and all the moments I shared with you and more, I was literally shook. I was embarrassed and disgusted and I couldn’t believe I did that all and normalized it. “That wasn’t me,” I kept thinking. But who was I? And When was the last time I was that “normal self?” This sparked my self-help journey, that while I am only three months deep in, I am living happier than ever.

I wish I could tell you I fixed my life overnight, but its a long journey. My life was never the issue, I was. I was the villain in my own story. I started educating myself on how I could “fix” myself,  and wanted to go to the root of the problem. This blog is your hotspot for how to fix yourself. If you are on here I’m guessing you hate your life too. To rip off the bandaid, You are your problem.  But you can fix it! That’s what this blog is for.