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ultraphilosophicalman-blog · 9 years ago

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Where are we now

She envies them because those occupations gave people a sense of self-authorization. Self-authorization. You don’t need to ask for other people’s permission to be alive. Living is for the sake of itself. You don’t need to be someone’s tool. You don’t need to be useful.

I don’t want to be useful. I just want to be happy.

I didn’t meet with Frank when I was back home. I didn’t even send him a message. I knew he’s there. And I think he knew I’m there too. I’m tired of being the petty one in our relationship. I mean, in the end, it’s just a person you’ve known long time ago, who happens to remain known.

I got off the subway, waiting for Raccoon to pick me up. Suddenly I remember this place. I was standing at the same crossing where Louis C.K. stood in Louie Season 3 finale. I’ve been here for thousands of times when I was in Beijing. The bengbeng are all over the subway station. It reminds me of Brian. He had a bengbeng too. I’ve never thought of Brian since I left Beijing. The memories were pretty fresh to revisit, unlike all the other memories that have been ruminated to almost nothing. The not-so-often revisit memories are as fresh as vague. He lived nearby I remember. And we’ve been to Sanlitun a lot. Maybe not a lot. I couldn’t remember how long we’ve been dating. Weeks? Months? Sometimes I felt like that I’ve known him for a long time, like a legit long-term relationship. But actually it is not. I stopped talking to him since I moved to New York. I remember I felt like shit when he said we could not work out. Did I? I did feel like shit before I left for New York. But was it for him? Or for Raven? I couldn’t remember.

Raccoon showed up. She’s wearing some makeup. She looked very different from high school. I think she’s pretty both times. She hugged me and got me onto a bengbeng. She asked me how I’ve been. I said pretty OK. She said you will be fine. She’s been saying that for a long time, since we were in high school. Everybody says you will be fine to me. But I don’t feel fine. You can never trust people’s instinct.

Later in the evening, we decided to meet up with Zhizhi’s friend. They were having pho. We arrived at their place. Some vague memory hit me again. It was the same place where I lost my virginity, to a French guy. What’s his name again? It’s a common French name, the same spelling in English too. He has a cat. He’s a musician. What was he playing? You still remember his apartment. It’s small but cozy.

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ultraphilosophicalman-blog · 9 years ago

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Summer in Beijing

Summer in Beijing is hot, smothering and moist. The moist mainly comes from people’s sweat. Generally speaking, Beijing is a quiet dry city, however people in Beijing can sweat like 3 tons a day in total and the sweat evaporating into the air makes it a humid city.

Zebadiah Brooks suffers a lot in summer’s Beijing; he’s a big guy, about 6.3 feet and 180 pounds. He has huge pores, especially around his underarm. It is truly embarrassing to have huge pores. They get people smell like hell. Actually for Zeb, it is not that bad, since he always wears cologne and doubles it in underarm.

On his way home, Zeb could feel the air-conditioned cool air touching his face and kissing his porous underarm. The air was blowing out from where-you-can-get-laid bars and night clubs. Zeb’s neighborhood is known for its foreigner-filled bars and night clubs. These clubs are prestigious in the circle for its high quality beauties. The show usually started at 10 o’clock in the evening. You can find all kinds of beautiful girls around, blond, brunet, red hair, teen, sugar babe, petite, cougar, Korean, Japanese, Chinese, American, European, Indian, Black, White, Brown,...as long as you name one. For many times, Zeb wanted to go into those alluring bars and get a cold beer, not for the girls, just for the cool air and cold beer. But he never stepped inside. There seems to be a protecting membrane all over those bars keeping him outside. Through the pellucid cover, he often saw Mia around the bars, a little bit drunk, chatting lithely with different men. He wanted to say hi, but he never did so. Every time passing by, he just looked at somewhere else pretending he did not recognize her.

In fact, he knew Mia and Mia knew him. They were classmates in a Chinese summer school. Zeb spent his whole summer vacation in Beijing learning Chinese. It’s an odd decision. China, or Chinese, or Chinese culture has nothing to do with Zeb’s life. He did not even care about Jackie Chan or Ziyi Zhang. Zeb’s major in college is Greek drama and his a frantic fan of Greek mythology. He always thinks it sounds too nerdy, though he enjoys studying it very much, exactly the way he enjoys cello lessons, medieval poet society and alchemy study club.He knows they are nerdy, but he can’t help loving them. He has been longing to do something less nerdy all the time, so this he decided to go to China to learn Chinese. To learn a totally strange language in a totally strange country sounds challenging and exciting to him. It seems to be a choice of a cool kid.

In the class, Zeb sat in the back of the class, while Mia sat in the front row. Zeb always stared at Mia during the class. She has beautiful blond hair, falling down onto her shoulder. Mia comes from Paris, major in fashion designing. She speaks Chinese and English in a sexy French accent. She always carries a Louis Vuitton bag, the classic one with numerous logos on it. She is about 1.65m and 90 pounds, a little bit chubby in face. She usually wears rosy lipsticks and no other makeups. Sometimes she appears in jeans with Converse or Newbalance. Sometimes she appears in a dress with cute high hield shoes. Usually Zeb finds women in high hield shoes sexy, but for Mia, he finds it cute.

On the first day of class, Zeb introduced himself as Zeb Brooks. At this time, an Indian guy, later became his partner, asked is Zeb short for Zebadiah. Zeb was startled, the Indian guy was not even a Christian. He hesitated and said no, Zeb for Zebulon. Zeb never uses his full name Zebadiah. He thinks it’s too creepy to tell some first-time-meet guy that your name is Zebadiah. It seems to tell him that you are from a devout Judaism family and all males in your family has been rabbis. Anyway, the pronunciation itself is creepy enough in the first place. He would just use the short form Zeb, and most people take Zeb short for Zebulon.

The Indian guy named Somaiya, meaning smart warrior in Indian, but sounds like a girl. He was a junior student in Imperial Technology University, the MIT of in India. He was major in IT, a typical geek, like Raj in Big Bang. Zeb did not know why he came to China to learn Chinese. He did not bother to ask. Actually, he did not even want to be partner with Somaiya. The first day of class, Zeb came early and chose a seat near window in the last second row, which made him feel comfortable and safe. Somaiya was late that day, and there was no other seat available except for the seat next to Zeb. And their Chinese teacher, Miss Chan decided to have the seat fixed.

Miss Chan is about twenty five and speaks very good English. She is very thoughtful and helpful person, just like a big sister to Zeb. On the first day, during the rest, she made a detailed ppt about the eatable canteens inside the campus, the coffee shops outside the campus, the supermarkets where you can buy authentic cheese and pasta(the 70-year-old Italian couple in the front row nodded their head heavily) and where to have genuine sushi and sake (the Japanese businessman wrote down the address) This information is vital for her students, a bunch of foreigners who have no idea of what China is.

Zeb did not really pay attention to Miss Chan’s presentation. Down the street of his apartment, there are 2 cafes, one Subway, one 7-11, two McDonald’s, one KFC, three bakeries(one is owned by a Korean couple), two pizza huts and numerous bars. Here international hub inside Beijing. He had already checked up all these information and rent an apartment online in this golden area. When he arrived, he was satisfied with all the surroundings but his apartment.

Before he came to China, he learned that it is impossible to rent a whole apartment here. The demand of house is so high that even the communist government had to compromise. Zeb compromised, too. He had never shared a room with anyone apart from his family. Even when he was a scout, he stayed in a single tent. He scrutinized every piece of information on the 58tongcheng, the Chinese craglist, to make sure his roommates are decent. He did not want to share a room with couples. He could not bear the idea that in the midnight two strangers making love on the other side of the apartment. He did not want college students to be his roommates either. Zeb had a strange anxiety when he is with his peer. Finally, he had decided his roommates, a software engineer working in a nearby company and a graduate student major in biochemistry. He was quite pleased with his choice, only when he arrived at his apartment, he realized that both of his roommates were girls.

He did considered gender factor into his roommate filter. But he made a mistake. He took it for granted that computer geek and biochemist are male. What makes the situation worse is that those two girls were both single and pretty. He can not live with two strange single Chinese beauties. He was not ready for that, even it may be a bless for others. He did not intend to have a erotic relationship this summer in this country and he knew it clearly that he could not have any. Zed only had two girl friends in his life. Sally was his first girl friend when they were at primary school. He dumped her. For Zeb, she was more an admirer than a competent mate and she was no pretty at all. Later, Sally went out with Aaron from chess club. His second girlfriend was Selina, the cheerleader in his high school. They went out for about three days and broke up. Selina dumped Zeb and went out with Joe ,the football star in no time. Zeb was firmly confirmed that it must be a sick joke for Selina dating him. Apart from Selina and Sally, he had no girlfriends or any girl friends.

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ultraphilosophicalman-blog · 9 years ago

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是你最先发现姐姐的尸体的

是你最先发现姐姐的尸体的，赤身裸体躺在浴缸里的尸体。这段记忆一直藏在你大脑里一个奇怪的位置。那天家里只有你和你姐姐，妈妈早上就上班去了。你睡到十二点多才醒，迷迷糊糊的去上厕所，一开门，就看到一大片红，满溢着血水的浴缸，姐光着身子躺在里面，大概是死了。你看愣了，那是你第一次见到你姐姐的裸体，准确的说，是女人的裸体。姐姐的身体泡在水里，好轻好柔，感觉随时都会飘起来飞走似的。你愣了足有半分钟才回过神来，赶紧打急救电话。在电话里你还比较镇定。嗯，我觉得我姐好像死了。对，在浴缸里，全都是血，她割腕了。我不确定她还有没有脉搏，她手腕上有很深的大口子，我不敢碰。我家在和平区建设路38号，凯悦花园4单元7楼2号。好，那我再给大人打电话。你又给你妈妈打电话，没人接，大概妈妈正在做手术吧，转入了语音信息，你犹豫了一下要不要留言，嘟。妈，我是小二，我姐好像死了，你早点下班赶紧回来吧。嘟。挂了电话，你呆呆的看着姐姐。你有点不确定你姐是不是真的死了，因为血被浴缸里的水稀释之后就显得不那么凶恶了。姐应该是死了的，你想，流了这么多血人一定会死的。忽然你想起来姐还光着身子呢。这可不行，一会儿救护车来了，你可不能让姐姐就这么光溜溜的被抬出去。你蹲下来，蹲到浴缸旁边，把手伸进水里，把你姐姐捞了上来。加热器一直开着，水还是温热的，姐姐的身体也是，果然泡在温水里的尸体不一样。姐姐的身体很滑，你把她的头靠在自己肩膀上，血水顺着姐的头发滴进你的脖子里，湿乎乎的。这是你第一次抱你姐姐。你突然有一种大侠的感觉。你伸手拽过浴袍，先给姐姐披上，然后再穿袖子。姐的胳膊软的像面条，能摆出各种形状。你仔细的观察姐姐的手臂，大臂线条匀称，小臂上有细细的汗毛，被水泡过之后倒向一个方向。姐的手腕上有三道很深很长很干净的伤口，彼此平行，都与静脉垂直。姐姐的手还保持着握刀的姿势，微微的蜷着，你为了给姐姐套浴袍的袖子，小心地把每一根手指舒展开。手指的第一个指肚都是皱的，一定是泡的时间太久了。你把姐姐的胳膊先折起来，对准袖口，然后松手，看着手臂自己舒展，滑进袖子里。这个动作有种活人的感觉。你不禁又开始怀疑你姐姐没死。穿好袖子之后，你又小心翼翼的把姐的身体用浴袍给包起来，然后再重新放回浴缸里平躺。浴袍的带子飘在水里，你捞过来，勒着姐姐的腰，紧紧地给系上，像包粽子似的。你精心的系了一个对称的蝴蝶结，就在你调整两边带子长度的时候，手不小心碰到了姐姐的私处，毛茸茸的。你赶紧把手缩了回来，像触电了似的，你吓坏了。这时候急救车来了，你赶紧逃离卫生间去开门，好像里面有怪物一样。

那天是7月18号，晴，微风。你十五岁，刚考上了高中，最好的高中的实验班，姐姐十八岁，刚考上大学，最好的大学的医学系。这些跟妈妈计划的一样，只是姐姐死了。

他一直不明白姐为什么自杀，在他心中姐简直就是完美，在所有人眼中姐都是个完美的孩子。姐姐特别聪明，从小到大都是第一，妈还专门腾出个屋子用来装姐姐得的各种比赛的奖状证书。她性格特别好，呆在她身边有种特别安静的感觉。他觉得姐姐长得也好看，特别秀气的那种，但是她从来都没人追，可能因为她是那种超级听话的乖孩子吧。。姐姐听妈妈的话，听老师的话，听所有人的话，而且不是敷衍的那种，是真诚的听话。诶，不对，她有过不听话的时候，有一次，就那么一次，他想起来了，有一次姐姐一直哭个不停。

那是刚离婚不久，你们仨去看电影，《满城尽带黄金甲》。看完电影回家的路上，妈妈让你俩说感想，这是家里的传统，每次看完电影大家都要在一起讨论。你先说的，你说看到大片大片菊花的时候好心疼。妈妈不满意，让说说剧情，说点有价值的。你忘了你说了些什么了，总之是让妈妈满意了。轮到姐姐了，姐先是不说话，妈妈催她，然后姐突然哇的一下哭了起来，说那个王好残忍，怎么能把他亲生儿子打死呢。你和妈都愣了，你已经完全忘了有这一幕了。姐边哭边说，一个人怎么能把另一个人活活打死呢。看到姐哭了，你赶紧劝，没事儿的姐，那都是假的，电影嘛。但是姐还在哭。妈不耐烦了，说，不就是个电影嘛，至于嘛，都这么大人了怎么真假还分不清啊。姐还是低头哭。妈生气了，你这么大个丫头站在街上哭也不害臊，来来往往那么多人都看着呢，我丢不起人。姐不理妈，还在哭。你慌了，你从没见过姐不听妈话。妈更生气了，抬手就是一巴掌。姐还在哭。你吓坏了，赶紧去劝妈，这架势搞不好你都得跟着遭殃。你被妈甩到一边。你从小就害怕吵架，以前爸妈吵架的时候你就是躲到姐姐的房间里，可现在姐还在低头哭，跟妈对峙着。你在心里一直在喊姐你赶紧说话啊，赶紧认错啊。那好，你就站着哭吧，小二咱俩回家。妈拽着你打车就走。你回头看姐，姐还站在那低头哭。也许妈就是吓唬姐，也许姐回跟过来上车。但车门砰的关上，姐还在路边哭。你彻底慌了，姐怎么还在哭，她怎么回家，她身上有没有钱啊，这么晚了，会不会遇到坏人，明天还得上学呢，姐不会不回家了吧……你担心坏了，你头一次见到姐姐这样。不过你更害怕的是旁边生气的妈妈。电影院离家打车要十分钟左右，不是很远，但要是用走的话大概得走一个小时。你想大概车子开远了之后姐就会往回走吧。到家之后，你不敢提姐姐，生怕再惹妈生气，你赶紧乖乖进屋写作业。那天的作业你写的格外的慢，你脑子乱极了。爸妈吵那么多次架你都没像这次这么慌过，就算是离婚那天你也没像这么怕过。你守着窗口写作业，这样你就能看着姐姐什么时候回来了。可是，等你把作业写完了，也没看到姐姐。这时候门铃响了，你跑去开门，是姐姐回来了。可是姐还在哭。你彻底崩溃了。这时候妈从屋里出来了，你心想完了，彻底完了。但是妈却和声细语的安慰姐，还端来一杯热牛奶。姐姐站在门厅把牛奶喝了，却还在哭。妈一下子气炸了，把杯子摔了。你他妈哭什么哭，你有什么好委屈的，我今天累了一天了，就为了赶着回家陪你俩看个电影，你看看你，跟哭丧似的，我是��欠你的了啊祖宗，你跟我这甩什么脸子啊，你要是后悔离婚没跟你爸走的话你现在就找他去，赶紧的。说着妈就又把姐推出了门。你当时听了这些话之后吓坏了，你心里在催你自己赶紧劝劝妈妈啊，劝劝姐姐啊，但是你被吓得动不了，也说不出话来。你从没见过一个人像你这么害怕吵架的。但是比妈妈吼出来的话更可怕的是，姐还是不说话就只是低头哭。然后你就被妈吼回屋了。你什么的都干不下去，你担心姐姐，又担心妈妈。但是不知道为什么，你那时候却忍不住去想那些菊花，在《满城尽带黄金甲》里出现的菊花，拍完戏之后会被搬到哪，被踩碎的花瓣怎么办，折断的枝干怎么办，拍那么一大片一共用了多少盆……你正想着呢，妈进来了，让你给姐送被子去。你从没见过姐那么狼狈，她蹲在门口，缩成一团，居然还在哭。还在哭。你惊慌失措了，把被子塞给姐姐之后，就赶紧回屋了。你胆怯懦弱，一遇到事情就想躲，好像躲起来事情就不存在了，躲起来姐姐就不在门口哭了。第二天早上，你起晚了，等你赶到厨房的时候发现姐已经像往常一样梳洗打扮好在吃早餐了，妈坐在她对面看报纸，俩人像什么都没发生过一样。你也默契的闭口不提。你有点觉得那个蹲门口哭的小姑娘是个虚构的人物，那场惊世骇俗的哭泣也是做梦。

他到现在也不知道姐那天为什么哭那么凶，就像他不知道姐到底为什么自杀一样。他总觉得姐离你好近又好远。姐总是不紧不慢，不温不火，喜怒不形于色。她跟他说话的时候可以是和善的亲切的顽皮的优雅的，却是不真实的，他永远都弄不清正在跟你说话的微笑姐姐实际上在想什么。没有人能弄清。

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ultraphilosophicalman-blog · 9 years ago

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Taipei Beijing

Taipei

“Hey, check these photos!”

I was waken up by my mom’s message at 1 am. I checked my phone. She was sending me selfies of her and the protesting students outside the Legislative building in Taipei. It was midnight, but the streets were full of people. The protesting students made the used to be solemn and quite street into a flee market. Totally different from when I visited it.

“Why are you not at the hotel this late?” I asked her.

My mom replied my question with more photos.

The streets were full of students, police and common citizens and tourists like my parents. There were tons of slogans, mostly is about Communism party sucks, Mainland China is evil and Don’t sell Taiwan to Beijing just for money. Everyone looks busy, and happy in the photo.

One picture is a food stand by the road. There were thee huge buckets of soup on the table, and also dozens of bread boxes on the ground. I saw my father was in the photo. He seemed to be volunteering to share soup for the students.

“What is dad doing there?”

My parents should be the least supportive people toward this movement. They are CPC members and just retired from the military system.

Beijing

Never go by Tiananmen Square on 4th of June. Never ever.

I told myself on the subway when we met another “route change” that we had to skip three stations near Tiananmen Square, which kind of ruined my plan. It was just another common Sunday and I decided to go shopping with my friend. A new Topshop opened in EMC shopping mall Wangfujing, the most famous shopping area in Beijing, just beside Tiananmen.

We went through four security checks just to get on the train, which made me realized, oh, it is 4th of June. 25th the anniversary of Tiananmen Square thing. I’d like to call it a thing, instead of protest, massacre, revolution or any political term. To tell the truth, I like how the authority reminds you the thing. It is kind of commemorating, isn't it?

We got off the train at the nearest station and walked g towards to the shopping mall, passing by the Tiananmen square. Exactly the same route as the students chose 15 years ago. The Changan Avenue was busy, as normal. It was hard to imagine that it was once full of tanks.

#writing

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