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um-dont · 1 year ago

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[TRANSLATION] Wonderful World

*translated from Interlude: Utsukushii Kare's short stories compilation. The original title is "Subarashiki Sekai"

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Today was the most terrible day. It was unusual for Kiyoi to be absent. He might catch a cold because of a little cough he had yesterday . It would be painful if there was a fever. During class for a day, Hira kept holding his hands to pray for Kiyoi’s speedy recovery.

God, please protect Kiyoi.

“Hii-kun, buy melon bread, please.”

As the fourth class period was over and the teacher left the classroom, Shirota and the others called up Hira.

“I want Fried Noodles Bread and Fanta Grape,’kay?”

“I want coffee-flavored Papico.”

Hira would usually buy for them while buying what Kiyoi asked him for, but going to buy only for them was totally a pain in the ass. But he couldn’t help about it. He was just at the lowest tier.

Usually Hira would take a note on his phone to take an errand for Kiyoi, run with all his might so Kiyoi wouldn’t need to wait, but today he just sloppily remembered the stuff he needed to buy, unwillingly walking. Thanks to that, their most favorite melon bread and fried noodles bread had sold out already. Lucky. For an exchange he bought two loaves of red bean filled bread, Fanta Orange, and vanilla ice cream instead.

“Wait, wait, you’ve got all of them wrong.”

“You’re way too useless, Hii-kun.”

But before they asked him to buy again, “Sorry, Sensei asked me to take the printouts.” Hira left the classroom to run away.

Since they were just cowards, just by mentioning sensei’s name they went timid.

Hira, who went home with an unpleasant and humiliated feeling, found that nobody was home. Today was his parent’s wedding anniversary and they were going to dine in a restaurant. Hira had been invited to join but of course he rejected it. The mood would go down if he joined their wedding anniversary since he had become a high school student already.

In the kitchen, Hira’s mother had prepared many of her best dishes for dinner which were arranged like kid’s meals such as shrimp croquette, chicken rice, broccoli and tomato salad. Hira knew that it was her way not to make him feel lonely. Hira laughed awkwardly as he had become a high school student already but right after that he was fed up with himself for making his parents worried even though he had become one. Being born as the only son who suffered from stuttering made his mother feel responsible and become overprotective.

Hira brought the kid’s meal into his room,turning on his computer, and having his meals while getting infatuated with all the photographs of Kiyoi he had taken. After finished eating, he moved the plates aside, took the audio remote and turned on the play button.　

Bach’s Schübler Chorales, which had been set in the playlist, was on play. There were already a lot of Bach’s records among his late grandfather’s belongings, but because they didn’t have the player, Dad bought all of the collections again in CDs as it would be such a waste if they didn’t get to listen to them. Not only his Mom, but his Dad also doted on their only son.

Gazing upon Kiyoi's pictures while listening to Bach was such a supremacy. "The festival under God rules”. “My Soul Shall Worship the Lord”. “Bless God in Heaven''. They were such beautiful melodies which could purify the soul that had been stained by Shirota and others. Every time Hira clicked the computer screen to show another new Kiyoi’s picture, the gold-colored particles all over the room were dancing, and the glitter was falling down to purify the soul in a silence.

Maybe this is what a blissful last moment feels like…

Someday I will get old and die. At that time, I want to hold Kiyoi’s picture on my chest, listening to Bach, and let my soul fall to death. I am not marrying anyone anyway, so I will be forever alone. I mean, I don’t think any girl wants to marry me, and they don’t even think of marrying me in the first place.

I wonder about Kiyoi. Will he marry anybody someday? Of course if he wished, all women should be willing to become his. However, Kiyoi’s existence is already in a much higher dimension than human beings. Is he the successful fusion of deity and human? That is the big question.

Even though Kiyoi wants to get married, it should be from deep inside Kiyoi’s heart. His partner would have to be the most beautiful, wise, gentle, and noble woman in human history. She might be Amaterasu who shines on the earth and blesses all living things, or Aphrodite, a beauty who was born from sea’s bubble who attracts all Olympus Gods

If only my wish comes true and I could be reborn as Amaterasu or Aphrodite.

If only I were a God, I could understand a little bit about such a divine existence like Kiyoi.

Is there a way to reincarnate as Goddess right now?

Thinking about it made Hira almost in tears, and he changed it into an English Suite. The musical notes which could only be enumerated cleanly calmed his disturbed mind. He once again came into the golden world. He didn’t need to be self-conscious about his place and was able to indulge himself in Kiyoi's world.

Make your heart be as tranquil as possible. Don’t be oversensitive. Become the rubber duck with beautiful eyelashes drifting in a filthy man-made river.

The rubber duckies he’d collected since he was a child were lined up with the same space on a table and he satisfied his eardrum with Bach by wearing earphones. He even had Kiyoi's photos in slideshow mode on his computer. Hira held his hands as if he prayed to God, earnestly gazing upon Kiyoi’s photos and returned to his delusion.

I won’t marry anybody nor have any kids,and after taking care of my parents I will spend the rest of my life alone by embracing Kiyoi’s remnants. If possible I wish that Kiyoi keeps staying in the show business. Become an international model or actor.

Then even if we graduate from high school, I will still be able to meet him through TV, screen, or magazines. They will feed me for living and Heaven will take me before I make people in trouble when my body can’t move anymore. While listening to Bach, I will be gazing upon Kiyoi’s photo like this, and with a tired feeling like Patrasche*, misfortune and happiness are mixed brilliantly at the end of supreme happiness…

*from A Dog of Flander where the protagonist, Nello and his dog, Patrasche are dead in misery.

“Kazu-kun! Kazu-kun!”

Hira got startled as his shoulder was shoken so suddenly. When he turned back, his father and mother were standing right behind him.

“Ah, Dad, Mom, welcome home.”

“Kazu-kun, what’s wrong? Why are you in a dark room without light ....”

He wasn’t aware that it was night already, and inside the dark room, only the computer’s screen was flashing.

“Why are there so many rubber duckies lining up?"

When Hira tried to calm down…

“Who is the boy on that computer screen?”

He is my dear golden king…

But since he hated to talk about his golden mentality allegory, he just replied that it was nothing, turning off his computer, and turning on the lamp using the remote. It wasn’t actually the supreme happiness which came to him but in fact, his own parents.

“Kazu-kun, I’m sorry to leave you alone. We bought you a cake. Want to eat?”

“Thanks.”

“Then, I’ll make you Dad’s favorite coffee.”

“Thanks.”

Hira desperately made a poker face to show his parents that nothing happened and awkwardly smiled.

The following day, Kiyoi was back at school. Hira heard through Kiyoi’s talk with Shirota and the others that his fever had gone down for a day yesterday and he was only playing games the whole time.

Glad to hear that. Kiyoi should be in good health all the time. It is my pleasure to be able to run for his errand and obey what Kiyoi asked for me.

“Ham sandwich and cider…”

“Okay.”

“Ah, no, buy me strawberry milk.”

“Okay.”

We talked longer than usual and what’s more….strawberry milk! It doesn’t suit cool Kiyoi, but it sounds so cute that you can turn your head when it gets recorded. Ahhh, today is such a wonderful day opposite to the feelings I had yesterday.

Hira walked home in such a good mood when he saw his mother standing in front of the front door and having a talk with her neighbor.

”Kazu-kun, welcome home. The snacks are in the kitchen.”

I am a high school student already, please don’t talk about something like snacks in front of people.

The neighbor was looking at him, feeling how grown up he’s become. She laughed as she remembered that he only recently rode a three-wheeled bike.

When exactly ‘recently’ did you mean?

Without being able to ask that, Hira just bowed his head and entered home. He wasn’t able to either stand around talking or gossip. In the kitchen there was a cinnamon roll made by his Mom. He grabbed and gulped it down, nonchalantly peeked at his mother’s laptop lying on the table.

“ I am a housewife who has a son in his third year of high school. When I came back after going out yesterday, I found him gazing upon a beautiful boy’s photo in a praying position while (probably) listening to Bach with his headphones in a dark room. There were rubber duckies lined up with a 10 cm gap in each duck on his desk. He has stuttering disorder. I thought that he has recovered, but we never know what happened to him at school as his parents. I’m wondering if my son has a mental problem because of that? Is it okay for me to ask him casually? What do you think about it?”

While eating the cinnamon roll, Hira sensed the danger. He couldn’t believe that he made his mother worried to the point of posting her worries in Yahoo Answer. However, for Hira, it was actually his refreshing ritual which shocked him as he didn’t realize how creepy it became. But as his mother, it even shocked her more.

He returned to his room and after considering so many things, he browsed the Yahoo Answer through his own computer. He came into the link where his mother asked about it, starting to type through the keyboard, and answering it by taking a reference from another housewife’s answer.

“Good afternoon. I am also a housewife who has a high school student son. Just the other day my son also did the same. Recently it has become a popular good luck charm between high school boys and has better results if they pray to a beautiful boy’s portrait with full devotion while listening to Bach in a dark room. Won’t it be better if you are not that worried and calmly deal with it? After all, seeing his parents smile is the best for the children. From the housewife, Goddess Amaterasu.”

Uhmm, did I overdo it? But I need to push it through.

After so much rechecking, Hira finally sent it, leaning back on the chair, and looking at the ceiling.

From now on I will refrain from using photos and rubber duckies for my delusion to make my parents feel unworried. That is okay. I’ve burned my retina with Kiyoi’s presence and can reconstruct it as I wish by closing my eyes. They will only see me as someone who just closes their eyes and listens to Bach’s music. I will only develop all of my delusions through my mind alone. Elaborately, accurately, and stay true to my heart.

From that day on, Hira’s delusional skill became even worse. It even became a breakthrough. To become more delusional in a more effective way is by putting them in prison. The more you hold it back, the more your heart will fly high.

#👁️👄👁️#utsukushii kare

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um-dont · 1 year ago

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re-evaluating pursuing & distancing in Utsukushii Kare season 1

I promised an analysis of Utsukushii Kare season 2 overall a while back. I ended up rewatching the whole series to try to get everything fresh and accurate in my mind, which was helpful, but it also gave me, well, too many ideas for one post. So now the plan is to address these thoughts in chunks that will hopefully add up to something useful.

I started my examination of pursuer-distancer dynamics in Utsukushii Kare with a pretty strong assumption that while their ways of fulfilling their roles were sometimes unusual, Hira was definitely the pursuer in the relationship and Kiyoi was the distancer. As I watched season 2, I increasingly saw Kiyoi as pursuing Hira. But now that I’ve gone back and rewatched the whole series, I think I failed to recognize the ways in which Kiyoi was always pursuing Hira. I think this shift in my thinking really sheds some light on other aspects of their relationship and the story more broadly, and it shows more continuity between seasons 1 and 2 than I had previously noticed.

I’ve mentioned this before, but there’s a real difference between the kind of pursuit where you are seeking to establish a relationship with someone and the kind where you are seeking intimacy with someone you’re already in a relationship with. And these differences often map onto role differences and relational styles, including gendered ones. Think about how things go in a stereotypical, heteronormative relationship. Before a relationship is established, men are supposed to make the first move (women, on the other hand, can face negative consequences if they try this). But once a relationship is under way, we’re more likely to see women pursuing and men distancing when it comes to intimacy. (A frequent exception is pursuing physical intimacy, which can often be an area in which roles are flipped, with pursuers becoming distancers and vice versa.) At the same time, intimacy-seeking can happen outside of a fully formed romantic relationship. In other words, the kind of pursuing that happens within a relationship can also happen before a relationship has fully gotten off of the ground.

I’m going to try to maintain distinctions between the following types of pursuit:

Pursuing contact; making an effort to spend time with the other person. (This type can happen within an effort to form a relationship or within an existing one and these contexts can cause big differences.)

Pursuing emotional intimacy, including showing vulnerability, self-disclosing, and processing/resolving problems in the relationship. (This type is most crucial after a relationship has started but not only can it occur before that, it really needs to in order for the relationship to start on a meaningful basis.)

Pursuing physical intimacy; this doesn’t necessarily have to mean sexual contact only, but some non-sexual types of physical intimacy could be primarily/entirely about emotional intimacy and then they’d be a better fit with that category than this one.

(By the way, these aren’t from any sort of existing typology I found or anything like that. They’re just categories that came up and seemed significant as I was looking at examples here.)

Next, I’m going to to through a timeline of Hira and Kiyoi’s relationship in season 1 with an eye toward who is engaged in some kind of pursuit of contact and/or intimacy. This is a close read and rather lengthy but for folks who are engaged enough with this show to want to dig into the story deeply I hope it’ll be interesting.

This is also the kind of thing that I would expect folks to be able to legitimately disagree about. A lot of our perceptions of these things will be affected by our own frames of reference and the roles we tend to take up in relationships.

I want to note that I think there’s a real difference between pursuing vs. distancing and the seme/uke trope. Actually, looking closely at Utsukushii Kare has really informed how I see this. I’m still working out what I think about it at this point, but for now I’ll just say that despite seeming like they’d overlap a lot, pursuer/distancer and seme/uke roles don’t map onto one other very readily. Actually, I’m increasingly finding that it’s often ukes who do more pursuing with regard to emotional intimacy than semes, which seems important. Anyway, I’ll circle back to that eventually.

One final note before I get started: I keep forgetting to credit @lollipopsub for their excellent subtitles, which I’m referring to in almost every case here and in my other posts, so I’m circling back with an edit to add a tag for them here. I highly recommend checking out their stuff. They pay a lot of attention to important details, give well-placed translator’s notes, and have really helped with my understanding of the show.

On to the season 1 timeline!

Kiyoi “saves” Hira on their first day by walking into class late when he’s struggling with introducing himself to the class. Not really an interaction, per se. They do make strong impressions on each other that set them up for what happens later. Hira says Kiyoi “grabbed hold of me like a tidal wave” from that first time he saw him. Kiyoi sees Hira as a “useless loser” but he’s so struck by “the look in his eyes as if I were the only thing in the world” that he becomes curious about him.

Who’s pursuing here? No one, really. Except that Hira’s way of looking at Kiyoi is so intense and conspicuous that it could really be considered a kind of pursuit (a theme that continues as the story progresses).

(screenshot via Foreigner on MDL )

Hira walks up to Kiyoi as he’s laying down (seemingly asleep) on a bank of lockers in an otherwise uninhabited classroom. Kiyoi is actually pretending to be asleep. “I didn’t care about him,” he says later, “I just wanted to see what he’d do–this guy who was always staring at me. That was all.” When Hira looks at him pretending to sleep and whispers “so beautiful” to himself, Kiyoi says it’s “the first time I’d received a compliment so earnest,” and that he “wanted those eyes on me again.” In retrospect, he realizes there was “a desire in me” that he “didn’t yet know how to name”–that he was starting to have feelings for Hira. Hira also thanks Kiyoi for what happened on “introduction day” and Kiyoi responds by saying, “What the hell. You’re gross.”

Who’s pursuing here? Kiyoi set up the interaction in a way, but it’s also partly a matter of chance. Hira isn’t pursuing Kiyoi when he calls him beautiful as he doesn’t think he’s awake. Kiyoi’s rude comments could be seen as distancing (though they may appeal to Hira).

(screenshot via amigo_love on MDL)

Hira and Kiyoi get assigned to cleaning duty together and stuff ensues. At first, Hira is distressed by this. “A king and a commoner like me aren’t supposed to mingle,” he thinks. Kiyoi uses the cleanup duty assignment to rope Hira into doing things for him and the whole Shirota crew. This is one of the few times that Kiyoi actively chooses something that leads to Hira being bullied or dominated, and it’s a decisive choice. He’s not thinking about it that way, of course. “It started out just as a whim. I had to know what he wanted from me. I had to know the emotions hiding behind those eyes.” But once Hira waits for a table at the diner for the group, his “gofer” role is pretty much established.

Who’s pursuing here? Kiyoi. Neither of them chose the cleaning duty assignment, but once it happens, Kiyoi wrangles Hira into being a “gofer” in order to find out more about him.

Hira follows Kiyoi after seeing him on the street and learns he takes dance classes; they have a conversation in which Kiyoi asks him to keep this a secret from the others at school. Hira isn’t trying to interact with Kiyoi here. He just wants to watch him. Kiyoi’s wise to ask Hira not to talk about the dance classes. Later events show that if their peers had learned about them he may well have been targeted for bullying. The interaction about the secret is important. Kiyoi is left wondering if Hira is “different from the rest” and finds his heart racing during their conversation, and Hira thinks, “it’s the first time I ever looked this directly at someone.”

Who’s pursuing here? Neither of them. They get to know each other better and end up sharing a secret, but neither intentionally created the situation or took advantage of it much. (

(screenshot via Vanessa Ferey on MDL)

Kiyoi suggests having the summer break get-together at Hira’s house and he chooses to come with Hira to get ice cream when he could easily have avoided it. The fact that Hira lives alone is a handy excuse to meet with the others there. We never get any detail on Kiyoi’s perspective on this interaction, but it would stand to reason if he had remained intrigued by Hira. After the girls protest when Kiyoi draws the short straw that would make him accompany Hira to the store, Hira offers to go on his own. But Kiyoi leaves soon after and catches up with him. It’s completely his decision. This leads to Kiyoi riding on the back of Hira’s bike and the two of them getting in trouble. Hira, of course, comes up with other reasons in his mind for Kiyoi’s decisions, such as wanting to make sure Hira was really keeping his secret.

Who’s pursuing here? Kiyoi. He creates the situation by initiating the hangout, then makes a point of going with Hira on his errand.

Hira and Kiyoi speak alone after Kiyoi loses the contest. Hira plays a more active role in creating this situation. He follows Kiyoi backstage and sees him cry and punch a wall in response to not performing as well in the contest as he’d hoped. Then, when Kiyoi leaves the diner, he follows him to, well, whatever that place is with the circular bench and the fairy lights. I’d actually forgotten something important about this scene. Hira follows Kiyoi, but Kiyoi does something surprising once he sees him. Well, first he calls him “stalker.” But then, pretty much out of the blue, he tells Hira, “As a kid, I dreamed of getting inside the TV,” and goes on to confide in him about his childhood dreams of becoming a performer. This is very out of the ordinary for him and involves seriously vulnerable stuff. This is probably one of the reasons he turns on Hira so quickly afterward–he seems to feel overexposed. At that point, he pushes Hira away more strongly than at any other point in season 1, responding to his declaration that he likes him “like crazy” by saying, “I hate you like crazy! You’re fucking disgusting.”

Who’s pursuing here? Hira is literally pursuing Kiyoi by following him around at two different points. But it’s notable that Kiyoi pursues Hira emotionally by opening up to him in such an unguarded way (even if he does become guarded again super quickly).

Shirota dumps tomato juice on Kiyoi, Hira defends him, and they talk in an empty classroom afterward, leading to the famous hand kiss. Neither Kiyoi nor Hira initiates the event that brings them together–it’s obviously not either’s idea for Shirota to bully Kiyoi in this way. Hira responds with a degree of loyalty (and violence) that makes a huge impression on Kiyoi. Hira also goes and sits with Kiyoi afterward of his own accord. Their subsequent conversation is a turning point in their relationship. Kiyoi guides the conversation into very personal subject matter, asking if Hira “likes men.” Hira, of course, completely misses the subtext that this would be something he’d have in common with Kiyoi. He responds by telling Kiyoi that he is the only person he is now, or has ever been, attracted to. Then Kiyoi asks Hira if he wants to kiss him and offers him his hand. He fakes him out at first, pulling his hand away at the last moment. But he still presents it again and lets Hira kiss it.

Who’s pursuing here? Hira does take some initiative, both by defending Kiyoi and going to sit with him. But it’s Kiyoi who controls the conversation and steers it toward personal topics and subject matter related to their relationship, and it’s Kiyoi who offers to let Hira kiss his hand.

Hira and Kiyoi start hanging out together regularly. After the juice incident, they start spending time together pretty often. Hira doesn’t seem to invest any meaning in the timing of this, but it’s obvious that between the way he defended him and the significance of their interaction afterward, there’s been a shift in how Kiyoi sees their relationship. Kiyoi actually hinted at their spending more time together even before this, like after their water-fight when he tells Hira that he needs to stay stocked up on ginger ale at home (and then good ol’ oblivious Hira thinks, “Why would he say that?”). But the day of the juice incident clinched it for Kiyoi. He still has his doubts about Hira in some ways, but his loyalty and protectiveness at a time when others abandoned him was a big deal. As Kiyoi puts it, “he sacrifices everything for my sake.”

Who’s pursuing here? We don’t see anyone initiating hanging out, but let’s get real. It was Kiyoi. Hira would never.

And then we come to the final moment of their time in high school: the graduation day kiss. This is almost entirely Kiyoi’s doing. He goes off by himself to a secluded place after making sure that Hira hears him announcing he’s leaving. It’s up to Hira to follow him, which he does. Kiyoi desperately wants Hira to make some kind of declaration of love or put the moves on him somehow, but as usual Hira is way too oblivious to pick up on any hint of that. So Kiyoi has to take action himself. He kisses Hira, freaks out, and runs off. To most people, kissing someone is interpreted as a sign that you might be interested in them romantically and/or sexually. Naturally, Hira interprets it as “a kiss given out of pity,” Kiyoi’s way of “telling me to stop chasing him.” It’s pretty frustrating to hear Hira go on from there to say that “every word that passes Kiyoi’s lips never leaves my mind….I embrace everything that Kiyoi gives me,” when he’s actually rejecting what Kiyoi is offering him and putting words in his mouth. I guess he’s just working overtime to convince himself. And then, of course, he changes his phone number for no actual reason.

Who’s pursuing here? It’s Kiyoi again. Hira followed him to the back of the school, as he was intended to. That’s his contribution. Kiyoi orchestrated the whole thing and when it was clear Hira wasn’t going to do anything, he planted one on him. And then Hira pulled a massive distancing move. He misinterpreted Kiyoi to an extent that seems almost willful, stopped trying to see him, and changed his phone number, making it impossible for Kiyoi to reach him.

Aaaaaand then after more than a year apart, Hira and Kiyoi meet up again when Koyama takes Hira to the play Kiyoi is in. Kiyoi hears about someone named Hira from the older Koyama, one thing leads to another, and he arranges for Hira to be invited to the play. He’s not exactly friendly when they do see each other, but for Hira, being called “stalker” is a form of flirting. Hira provides his trademark stare which, to be fair, seems to be a big part of what Kiyoi was hoping for. But he doesn’t stay for the afterparty or do anything to maintain contact with Kiyoi.

Who’s pursuing here? Kiyoi pulled all the strings and all Hira did was do his trademark stare. Though maybe I shouldn’t downplay that since it’s actually a pretty big deal to Kiyoi.

(screenshot via Ginger Ale on MDL)

Hira goes to the play a second time in a terrible disguise, attends the afterparty, and hangs out with Kiyoi in the park, after which Kiyoi asks him if he’s dating Koyama. Did Hira actually make a move this time? Maybe. He went to see Kiyoi’s play again, without Koyama this time, while wearing a really obvious disguise that made him stand out even more than his usual appearance. Kiyoi invited him to the afterparty again and he went. Those two weirdos spent the whole party obsessing over each other from across the room, drank too much because they were too worked up, and ended up sobering up in the park. They have a pretty decent conversation where Kiyoi dropped lots of hints and Hira got none of them, culminating in Kiyoi asking him at the train station if he’s dating Koyama and an oblivious Hira being like, “why do you ask?”

Who’s pursuing here? Well, Hira does come to the play of his own volition, which is something, but his disguise implies he wasn’t actually trying to interact with Kiyoi, just watch him from afar…unless a part of him knows it sucks? Kiyoi makes a good effort with the hints and making cute lil faces at Hira. It’s all for nought but at least he’s trying.

Kiyoi calls Hira (while pretending it was a wrong number), uses it as an excuse to ask if he can rehearse at his house, then shows up and finds Koyama clinging to him. Kiyoi plays off the phone call like it was an accident, which is somewhat shitty. But at least he reached out. Hira says yes to the rehearsing thing. It’s not his fault Koyama tackles him just as Kiyoi is walking in (on purpose?). Kiyoi pulls his usual “I don’t give a shit” thing in response.

Who’s pursuing here? Kiyoi initiates contact, albeit in a fairly cowardly way. Hira is receptive but doesn’t do much. But it’s not his fault Koyama cockblocked him.

Hira fills in for the lighting person at Kiyoi’s play, stuff happens, yada yada, he licks the blood off of Kiyoi’s hurt finger, almost kisses him but doesn’t, then tells Kiyoi he can’t date him because he’s a king and he’s just his servant, after which he totally ignores Kiyoi telling him he likes him back. This is all after Koyama tells Kiyoi what Hira told him about the one beautiful person he’d taken photos of and how he loved them beyond reason and arranges for Hira to pick up that lighting shift so they’ll have a reason to see each other. Kiyoi kicks a table leg out of frustration and they end up getting knocked down by a bunch of junk and Kiyoi’s finger gets hurt, which leads to the licking situation, and almost-kiss, and Hira full-on rejecting Kiyoi whether he realizes it or not.

Who’s pursuing here? Well, honestly, Koyama’s doing more to help than either of these two goofballs. Kiyoi’s fed up from the start and I can’t blame him. Hira’s inability to process information that doesn’t match up with his personal mythology is on clear display here. There’s a reason this is their lowest point during season 1.

Hira tells Kiyoi over voicemail that he’s going to the place he first “saved” him (their high school) to “dedicate the night” to his love for him, after which he’ll forget him (sure you will, buddy). Kiyoi shows up, there’s a chase and a scuffle, and they finally have it out, then get together. Hira does something decisive here for once. He says he’s serious about putting their relationship behind him, but he’s clearly disappointed when he thinks Kiyoi won’t come. It’s extremely on-brand for Hira to reach out to someone not by explicitly seeking connection but by expressing his (supposed) resignation and hoping they’ll swoop in. Kiyoi tells himself he won’t come, then does, then runs away as soon as Hira sees him. When they do start to talk, Hira says a lot of the usual Hira things. Talking about how much he loves him, begging him not to go. But he offers little else until Kiyoi shifts things by opening up big time, including telling him yet again that he returns his feelings (in a really angry way–I’m pretty sure it’s the only confession I’ve seen in a drama that involves someone yelling “baka!” at the object of their affections–but it’s understandable). Kiyoi goes through their history and points out example after example of how Hira expressed through words and actions that he loved Kiyoi but failed to follow through, even though at times he was pretty clear about reciprocating his feelings (especially when he kissed him). We know from season 2 that Hira doesn’t really internalize the part about not viewing Kiyoi as a “king,” but at least in this moment, he seems to at least sort of get that Kiyoi likes him back and that he needs for him to see that and respond instead of talking himself into an imaginary rejection. Hira does put himself out there in one really notable way: he asks if he can touch Kiyoi, hugs him, and then lays him down on a danged desk and makes out with him. It’s honestly a red letter day for Hira showing some guts.

Who’s pursuing here? Although it’s in a backhanded way, Hira initiates this interaction. And in a way, he shows vulnerability and genuinely tries to engage Kiyoi. But things only start to change, start to open up the possibility of a real relationship, when Kiyoi opens up about his feelings for Hira and how Hira’s behavior has affected him. That said, Hira makes a big contribution too by literally reaching out to Kiyoi and initiating making out with him like he’s an “ordinary” human being.

That’s the timeline. Now, a few big themes and tendencies to note:

Most opportunities for contact were created or facilitated by Kiyoi.

When someone showed vulnerability or made the first move to connect emotionally, it was almost always Kiyoi (though both characters are still very guarded at this point).

Hira’s declarations of love and frequent compliments are tricky to categorize here. There can be an element of vulnerability in expressing these feelings, but it’s not the same as the kind of self-disclosure Kiyoi engages in, and sometimes Hira’s idealization of Kiyoi is itself a form of distancing (e.g. not being able to date “the king”).

Hira’s way of looking at Kiyoi–like, literally, the staring, meaningful looks, eye-fucking, whatever you want to call it–does seem to function as a kind of pursuit at least some of the time. It often impacts Kiyoi in that way. But it’s not exactly a straightforward move.

Both characters seek physical intimacy in different ways/at different times. Kiyoi proposes the hand kiss and kisses Hira on graduation day, while Hira does the hand thing (!) and initiates touching, hugging, and eventually the whole classroom table makeout situation.

There are also some obvious contextual factors that should be kept in mind here. The big ones that come to mind for me are:

Their power differential–Kiyoi has a great deal more social status and related power than Hira, particularly in high school.

The fact that they first got to know one another in this hierarchical context is bound to set them up for certain habits and expectations. Hira literally acted as a kind of servant for Kiyoi and the rest of the Shirota crew at first!

Both characters are deeply affected by their past experiences with peers. For Hira, this mostly involves a history of bullying, being ignored, and being excluded (in part due to ableism). For Kiyoi, his past experiences looked favorable on the surface but were seriously lacking when it came to authenticity or real intimacy.

We shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that Hira’s stuttering is a disability. The negative peer experiences I just mentioned had at least some basis in ableism and really, it might account for all or nearly all of them. The wear and tear on his psyche of dealing with pervasive ableism and the bullying and aggression that comes with it can’t be overstated. This also helps with understanding some of his maladaptive coping strategies (which it seems were actually pretty adaptive in the past).

I’ll return to the pursuer/distancer thing in another post about season 2 and I have some additional thoughts about how to put it in context with BL/yaoi tropes as well as some other relevant ideas.

#utsukushii kare #bl drama #meta

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