umbriia - Tumblr blog

[umbriia]

hello!! i released my first song yesterday and would love if you gave a listen. i’ve been writing music since i was 15, but never went anywhere with it. i struggle with a lot of insecurity and self doubt, never thought it was something to realistically pursue or like i was able enough to. recently gained the spirit to not live my life with this regret and at least give it a chance. when life gets hard, i write. i need it out there. here’s a hopeful song, power in the flame. out on all platforms. it’s not much, but it’s something.

[umbriia]

i built these walls from sticks and stones

the scars they left bled long and slow

when the door opens for the warm sun glow

my home returns to ice and snow

reminds me that i’m meant to be alone

[umbriia]

old neighbourhoods that once brought me life

now memories that only bring me pain

[umbriia]

emotions get the best of me but this isn’t where i want to be numb it away or feel it more always the same thing over and over green takes me to nothing red goes straight to my head it’s not the best way to cope but it’s better than what i’d do instead i trust in myself to keep me alive whatever the cost my head might be a mess but i wont always stay lost

i wont always stay lost im a sucker for nostalgia to go back to a life once lived a time i felt i was happy a person that i shouldve been that i should’ve been is it my fault am i just too naive why else would you leave if it wasn’t something wrong with me never ending heartbreak dont know how much my heart can take i know that i have made mistakes but some pain you just cant escape

[umbriia]

my heart aches beating for an old life the pain i feel cant control the passing time its for the better i know its for the better remembering calm waters nostalgia hides the twisted tides

[umbriia]

im so tired i dont want to be  steal my days away from me detached cut threads a walking coma am i listening am i listening

quicksand around my ankles around my throat i lost the energy to keep on going but at least im floating i dont know if im breathing i dont know if im living

awake for the sunset even if its just for a moment a break through the fog that smothers it down searching for clarity its all way too hazy i dont need somebody to save me somebody to save me

close my eyes but i cant sleep and im addicted to dreams alternate realities where nothing is groggy/foggy and nothing can harm me nothing can harm me

[umbriia]

is it okay if i do this off beat? is it okay if i recycle the words i wrote when i was 16 that never saw the light of day because i was too scared stuck in a shell i wanted so desperately to break out of, but never even took a peek? it feels like injustice to not let her voice be heard, even after she’s gone  she deserves it. all the struggle, all the pain . all the dreams. all the suffering that could’ve amounted to something  i won’t let it be in vain  she stays alive, but stuck in time  sometimes i go back there.  i can still heal her.  but mainly i just feel her.  it’s never too late.  speak the words once burning in your lungs, in your throat, but never made it past half way.  what’s the difference between now and then? do we not see how loose the present is? it’s gone, every second.  no matter how long it’s been time can never go to waste. 

[umbriia]

we used to run around, for the moment we were carefree nothing else mattered cause it was always just you and me our laughter intertwining in the wind a beautiful song for a moment with just you me and the trees we could forget about the spilled blood

a silent understanding of what eachother had done but none of it ever mattered if we both woke to see the same sun we were alive shame and blades will bury me we are the same we share the pain our souls embraced in harmony though struggling we found the strength to breathe together my heart was always in it but my brain sometimes taps out when mental exhaustion overcomes, the isolation has just begun im sorry i never gave an explanation for my absence its my fault you mattered so much to me i stopped knowing how to breathe with all the emptiness and my heavy heart its always too late i live then isolate then it rips away my sense of normality i feel like it’ll never come back to me stuck in purgatory i want to go back to the living im frozen, but life’s still going even though youve moved on from me i hope youre happy im sorry theres a place in my heart carved with the names of who ive ever loved friendships or down beneath it didnt matter to me its the soul that ties these enchanted bonds no matter the days, months, or years the happiness or the tears i hope the fire in your eyes is never gone

im sorry

[umbriia]

i know something was taken from you  and you feel like you can never get it back  time is still out there  don't let yourself shrink and retract  there's a day that will come when you'll stand on your feet youll find the words you couldn't speak.  you'll carry on.  though you might feel like you've come undone. you'll carry on.  you've still got yourself you need you and no-one else you can break and bend you can fight and repent  but they can never take your soul  i know it's unfair from their lust and your despair.  that which you can't un-see and the wounds that can't un-bleed just know that you are clean know that you are clean 

[umbriia]

it started off as friendship but you saw competition what did i do to deserve this? i wanted to be happy  but you just fucking used me strung me along until you didn’t want to play anymore  i gave my all you took that and stole more away i care too much you’re too selfish, you don’t care enough get your shit together, it’s time you grow up  on the ground with the pills in my hands and mouth, though i spit them out all you did was ignore me and laugh  what kind of a friend does that? you fucking psychopath  your jealousy came with good reason i’m empathetic, seek genuine connection and you just want attention you try too hard to seduce them you’re angry and abusive but they want someone who doesn’t lack emotional depth  there’s no pride trying to be tough shit your insecure obsessions  spend 3 years harassing some young kids are you really that fragile you can’t even handle a better person just existing  i hope the pain that shaped you will heal someday  you don’t have to take it out on others continue the cycle of pointless hate  it’s a tough world out there we all just want to be happy 

[umbriia]

it’s sickly, sticky, and rancid

putrid and vile. your soul, twice branded.

you try to shake it off and it loses its hold, but beware the lasting hazard

no matter how much you try to cover up, preserve, conceal, protect, self-heal,

the slick oil stains.

your scars still remain

beacons to the shadows you’ve faced

fingers shaking with restraint.

aching for the pain.

no glamour can displace your actions.

hands forced to deal, and hands that heal

ticking faster, easier with time

pink and white lines now heavy weights

you’re not locked inside your hiding space.

this is no tomb to seal your fate.

[umbriia]

im tired of being tired watching the days blur by feeling so low, i need higher and im running out of time pull myself off of the ground i no longer need its protection im sick of being weighed down in quicksand now im chasing after my potential asleep on the train, i missed too many stops life’s going by too fast this is not where i want to stay stuck close my eyes, im gonna have to jump cause there’s no other way out of this time wont stop for clarity it doesn’t care about your feelings tied down in anxiety but my heart inside is burning and im going to breakaway singe the ropes, shake off the chains no one else can take my dreams but me

[umbriia]

sunsets end the day when nighttime is ready to play. the darker the sky, the brighter the stars illuminate. even when all hope feels lost and faith has run dry, take a deep breath and pick yourself back up. the universe is always on your side.

[umbriia]

i hear you call my name again, but i’m not ready. i’ll never be ready. exhausted from running through these never ending cycles you try to pull me under, so intoxicating, you suck me in only this time i’m not afraid to swim you won’t get me this time. i won’t let you win. the shadows pull at my skin, they try to fight from within. it’s my soul, they know, so used to this battle.

when my eyes fight sleep they’re still there underneath haunting, tempting, and whispering i still find comfort in the dark, a place i once called my home. self destruction and pain, but there’s still comfort in alone.

[umbriia]

i’m not scared to face the fire i’m not scared to get hurt it’s the spark raging in my heart it’s my soul that’s unburnt

i’m a phoenix rising from the fire you can’t bury me, i will survive try all you want, i’ll never die my soul ignites the flames, they carry me this is my domain i’m not scared of anything you can’t hold me down no matter how much i bleed, i’ll never drown

[umbriia]

i’ll make another cup of tea i’ll wipe away the teardrops off my cheek it’s comforting you want a little sunshine in your day it helps to forget about all the haze and your mental state

little victories the baby steps bring a hint of a smile even if it’s only temporary it’s something to keep me steady it’s worth it to get a break every once in a while from the wicked and vile

[umbriia]

we all have monsters under our skin claws and fangs at the ready breathe the self control to keep them in (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) theyre vile, toxic, and deadly puppets of a fatal consequence a collection of our sins

another dagger dipped in the venom we spit hope its not too deep past the surface through the scars we win they show we healed, we survive with purpose day after day we fight for life i hope to god i deserve it

its coming out i can see my eyes darken in my reflection repress it all down one more chance at self preservation dont wanna hurt anymore i dont wanna take you down with me

im unprepared for what im about to do

the room is spinning, i cant hear a thing,

this isnt something you can just get used to

i dont want to

let me out

let me out