unabashedwizardzombie - Tumblr blog

[unabashedwizardzombie]

Mental illness can be a tricky thing. Especially when you don't know you have it.

Let me explain.

I have always lived my life in fear. Survival mode. Fight or flight. Hopeless and lost and every turn. Even as a very young child. Even today, as an adult.

Turns out, it's easy to attract others who have the same feeling you do. In fact, it happens without any effort on your part. Or their part. It's a universal human magnetism that transcends the spoken word. Broken people find each other. Hoping that the shattered pieces of their lives may be combined. Precariously glued together to resemble something of a normal life. Maybe even a good life.

Doing drugs and participating in risky behavior seems like natural behavior when all you know is pain and turmoil. After all, everyone deserves to feel good. Even if it's for a short while, right?

The problem is, doing hard drugs and making bad decisions at a young age is a lot like cheating your way through high school. It works perfectly until it doesn't. Until you're put on the spot and expected to act on years of knowledge and experience you only pretended to have.

But you don't have experience or knowledge.

You're a child masquerading as an adult.

And you come to realize that you've been unknowingly swiping a credit card with a high interest rate.

The interest rate of this proverbial credit card is your sanity. The payment is your soul.

What to do? Start over? Keep going?

You're now a broken adult. Surrounded by opportunity. Careers, partners, friends.

But now you're too emotionally, morally, mentally, and spiritually bankrupt to have any of it.

You're an outsider looking in.

And it's all because you thought nothing was wrong.

Sure, you might be a little different, but plenty of people are a little different... Right...?