unapenna-tagliapiu-diunaspada - Tumblr blog

unapenna-tagliapiu-diunaspada · 3 years

Text

C'è stato un periodo della mia vita in cui "piacere agli altri" era il mio scopo, perché credevo che così le persone non mi avrebbero abbandonato se un giorno, per caso o per sbaglio, fossi stato me stesso. "Dai, ti sono sempre piaciuto come persona e solo perché oggi mi sono lasciato andare, mi abbandoni?" o qualcosa di simile.

Sono un ragazzo di 21 anni, sono gay, da piccolo passavo dal guardare le Winx e i film di Barbie con mia cugina a giocare a Godzilla e Formula Uno sulla PS2 con mio cugino; e nessuna delle due cose è mai stata influenzata da o ha mai influenzato la mia omosessualità.

Sono arrabbiato col mondo, con la società, perché ho perso anni della mia vita, vivendo con la paura di quello che poteva essere il mio futuro e di quello che il mio futuro avrebbe potuto NON essere.

Sono arrabbiato col mondo, con la società, perché prima che ci possa essere il cambiamento, alcuni devono cadere, in tanti devono soffrire: e io sono uno di loro.

Sono arrabbiato col mondo, con la società, perché ho ancora paura, e la paura mi blocca e non mi fa vivere come vorrei e continuo a dire di no a delle opportunità che potrebbero non ripresentarsi in futuro. Continuo ad autosabotarmi prima della linea di arrivo perché temo che non riuscirei a fare l'ultimo passo.

Sono un ragazzo di 21 anni, e una volta a settimana faccio terapia perché la mia ansia è diventanta ingestibile.

Prima di iniziare questo percorso pensavo che emozioni come il rancore, la rabbia e anche l'odio non mi appartenessero o che almeno non fossero parte della mia quotidianità; ora ho imparato a riconoscerle e so che esse ci sono, represse. Ogni settimana, quindi, un'ora di terapia più quindici minuti per arrivare e altri quindici per tornare. E questo non mi piace. Mi fa incazzare; perché quest'ora e mezza settimanale corrisponde a sei ore al mese, che sono una settantina di ore l'anno. Tutto tempo che potrei passare in altro modo, che potrei evitare di "sprecare" così, che potrei usare per vivere ed essere spensierato.

Ora, questa è la prima volta che butto giù QUESTO, e i miei occhi sono rossi e bruciano, io non so se tra tutti i miei problemi c'è anche il complesso della vittima, ma quando leggo di altre persone come me che subiscono violenza fisica, verbale, psicologica, non posso fare a meno che pensare "potevo essere io oggi, potrei esserlo io domani". Quindi no, la battutina sulle donne trans sul vialone non mi piace. La persona famosa di turno che fa un commento poco felice e dopo tre ore carica il video "chiedo scusa, era solo una battuta" nelle storie di instagram, non la tollero. Quell* che dice "io sono pro la comunità lgbt" ma non ha mai fatto nulla di concreto, non mi piace.

Sono un ragazzo di 21 anni, sono gay, c'ho l'ansia perenne, sono arrabbiato e sono di una pesantezza assurda e farò di tutto per lasciare questo mondo più bello di come era quando ci sono entrato.

Questo non è un coming out in quanto gay. Questo è un coming out in quanto ragazzo arrabbiato, a tratti deciso, arrogante e orgoglioso, stressato e gay. E va bene così.

#coming out

6 notes · View notes

unapenna-tagliapiu-diunaspada · 5 years

Note

Can someone explain me what was the situation with jian yi family , brother qiu and he cheng I already forgot all the story and I’m so lost T_T

first, I’d like to apologize for how late I am in answering this.. I know this ask has been sitting in my inbox since the last 19 days update but I wanted to be able to answer as thoroughly as I possibly could, plus I had to find the time. also, you forgot all of the storyline regarding jian yi’s family situation? *chokes*~ I mean I’ll take that as an exaggeration but my heart couldn’t live with it if you were serious, it would just keep me awake at night lol. okay, I’m going to try and answer this as shortly as I possibly can although I feel like this answer will still end up being quite a long one since, as I said earlier, I’m going to try to be as thorough as possible. (>﹏

I will provide a shortened version in bullet points at the bottom if that is preferable so you can just skip ahead if you want.

when jian yi was just a baby, he was abandoned by his father which is shown in chapter 105. in the panels, shown in chapter 105, there are a few ways in which old xian employs elements of a somber mood and a sense of dark tension in the scene of jian yi’s father leaving him and his mother; the lack of a background, black speech bubbles that are vacant, the almost hyper focused imagery on the blood that covers jian yi’s father, ms. jian being shown tightly clutching a baby jian yi while visibly upset/crying — it gives an empty, dark, strained atmosphere while juxtaposed with a somber, almost loving mood from mr. jian’s last moments with his son and wife as mr. jian is actually shown to be tender with them - he clasps ms. jian’s face, gives her a kiss, and gently strokes his son’s head lovingly. the sense of dark tension seems to help assist readers in inferring that jian yi’s mother and father were possibly arguing before he left, most likely arguing about him leaving, and that he left in the middle of something dangerous happening in their lives given him being covered in blood; while the somber, semi-loving mood hints at the notion that it’s possible he didn’t really want to leave them and it was a tough decision for him to make. **also, this is one of two times old xian actually reveals some parts of what jian yi’s father looks like: tall, lean, medium grey/ash blonde hair, with a little bit of a stubble on his chin. the second time we see him is in chapter 136, where jian yi has a dream of his father pushing him and causing him to fall off this sort of hill/cliff, which may suggest that jian yi feels a bit of fear towards his father.

as jian yi grew older, his mother wasn’t around very often; jian yi never got to see her involved in his life very much so he was constantly being taken care of by a nanny. from chapter 193, it appears one of the reasons she wasn’t around very often was because of work (her occupation is unknown). as a result of neither his parents really being in his life, jian yi begins to feel very lonely, unloved, and gains abandonment issues. (panels below from chapters 97, 193)

and the feeling of being lonely, unloved, and having issues with abandonment is something he still feels and deals with currently even as he is older (below are panels from chapter 192 & 235 for example, although there are countless other times it is shown throughout the story).

now we enter the middle school days: chapter 167 is where we first see he cheng and qiu’s character, along with several other underlings, try and kidnap jian yi. they’ve come to take jian yi without discussing any reasons why and without giving any prior warning to ms. jian nor asking for her permission; they simply follow the order they’ve received from their boss to take him. it is clear he cheng is speaking to his boss as he is displayed speaking in a respectful, formal tone with common phrases one would say to their leader in an organized gang such as “we’ve already found him” and “understood”. it is then revealed in chapter 168 that their boss is jian yi’s father when he cheng hands ms. jian the phone and the phone’s caller i.d. says “mr. jian” (so yes jian yi’s father is the one who ordered them to take jian yi, again the reasoning still being unclear at this point in the storyline - it will become more clear later). jian yi’s mother is shown angry, yet composed and fearless in front of massive men clearly from an organized gang — this could be because she immediately knew that it was mr. jian’s people / was able to differentiate that they are not from a different mafia group, having had some experience in seeing some of mr. jian’s mafia lifestyle firsthand while they were together before he left; whereas a natural reaction from a normal person, ‘normal’ as in someone unaware of who this gang was or who has not been submersed in that particular lifestyle, would be to react more shocked, hysterical, and scared of who these people might be. she is very curt and direct with them, immediately ordering he cheng to hand over the phone and he cheng listens to her without resistance.

from the conversation jian yi’s mother has on the phone with mr. jian, it is implied that jian yi’s mother and father have a estranged and complicated relationship. it is shown in chapter 168, that they are in disagreement with each other when it concerns jian yi from the time he cheng and qiu tried to take jian yi the first time. ms. jian tells mr. jian on the phone to order his underlings to leave, and she also reminds him of a conversation they once had in the past saying “I hope you still remember the promise you once made. no matter the reason, you will not..” but then it gets cut off. however, it seems to be implied that jian yi’s father had made some sort of promise in the past to leave jian yi alone when it comes to his mafia business; so while jian yi’s mother seems to want jian yi to stay as far away as possible from anything to do with the mafia, jian yi’s father has a specific reason (unknown at this point) he is involving him with it — essentially breaking that promise.

after the conversation jian yi’s father and mother have on the phone, things between them seemed to be put to cease fire and the underlings let jian yi go and leave. however, only a few days later jian yi is taken for the first time (for real this time) by an older unnamed man in chapter 192. while held hostage, jian yi speculates reasons as to why this man captured him and keeps him as a prisoner; however, when jian yi brings up the topic of money, the older man quickly shuts that possibility down saying he wasn’t doing it for money, which only just terrifies jian yi into thinking he is after something worse. while jian yi thinks of other possible intentions this man may have for kidnapping him, he comes to the conclusion that one of the reasons could possibly be because the man wants to threaten his mother (and although this is not the reason as he cheng later says “his only motive is to meet sir [jian yi’s father]” in chapter 195). this scene is important in that it shows how jian yi feels towards his mother: that no matter how often jian yi feels lonely and abandoned by her, it hasn’t caused him to hate her full-heartedly or anything like that — in fact the phrase, “I can’t let him succeed”, that crosses jian yi’s mind when he thinks of the older man threatening or harming his mother shows he still loves her and cares for her well being greatly.

there is also another scene which feels important to mention because it reveals a bit more about ms. jian yi’s character and that is a scene in chapter 193: jian yi’s mother thinks back to the time she took jian yi to kindergarten and he asked her to stay but she told him she couldn’t (these panels can be seen near the top of the post where I mention how she is not around often) — when she remembers this, she actually begins crying, which old xian shows to demonstrate her love for jian yi and her feelings of regret for not being there for jian yi enough throughout his life. after this, she gains a look of determination on her face and meets up with he cheng and the rest of mr. jian’s underlings; when she sees them she immediately expresses her upset by the situation and remarks that she doesn’t really give a shit what they do in their line of business as long as it leaves jian yi out of it. she also mentions “I’ve been running for so many years, but I still can’t escapes from events like this” which I feel is pretty direct and doesn’t need much explaining but just in case – she has clearly been involved in dangerous events surrounding the mafia before (most likely when she and mr. jian were together) and tries to avoid that type of conflict as much as possible ever since jian yi came into their life. he cheng lets her know that in response to jian yi’s kidnapping, his father immediately sent out people to go save his son and ‘already reminded’ them to make sure jian yi comes back unharmed.

as said earlier, jian yi’s father sends his underlings to save jian yi, and qiu is the main one who goes out to do the rescue. jian yi manages to find a hole to escape from, qiu finds him and tries to help him leave while they are being shot at. the lack of care the older man gives as he erratically and desperately shoots at them to prevent them from getting away shows this man has no qualms regarding jian yi’s life ~he doesn’t care if he is harmed or killed by any of the bullets being shot off. jian yi and qiu manage to get away and while qiu hands off a weak, faint jian yi to another guard, he orders him to take jian yi to “safety”. jian yi is finally safe and he is reunited with his mother (he was gone for two days), she takes him home and leaves that afternoon “out of town”.

after jian yi’s mother leaves town, she doesn’t come back for quite a number of days which jian yi begins to complain about in chapter 235. within this same chapter is where we first learn qiu’s name when he goes to deliver a bag of lots, like a ridiculously large sum, of money to jian yi. when jian yi calls him ‘big guy’, he becomes annoyed and tells him to call him ‘brother qiu’; do not to be confused with the word ‘brother’ — qiu and jian yi are not related/family, but in chinese culture, referring to someone older as “brother” gives a sense of respect to your elders. qiu tells jian yi his mother won’t be back soon, and answers a short but quick series of rapid fire questions from jian yi without really expanding or giving much explanation to them; he is not his mother’s boyfriend, nor is his boss pursuing his mother, and the money is for him to do as he pleases since his mother will be away for a while — basically its money to take care of himself.

after this chapter, old xian begins hinting some more about qiu (he cheng and the rest of mr. jian’s underlings) being jian yi’s bodyguard as the next day qiu is seen waiting out front of where jian yi lives as if to keep watch over him and make sure he is safe; he also mentions to he cheng that he hates ‘this assignment’ (being that of watching over jian yi) because he finds himself doing other favors for jian yi besides protecting him, such as taking jian yi to school when he is late as it makes him feel like a ‘maid’, which bothers him especially when his only responsibilities are to watch over him, make sure he is safe, and protect him when it is needed. however, he cheng reminds qiu to simply deal with it as ‘the situation has become tense”, the situation likely being one where someone is out looking for jian yi to harm or kill him which is essentially confirmed when qiu reacts quickly by shielding jian yi when he thinks someone is trying to shoot jian yi in his house, says its no longer safe there, and says in chapter 279 that he — as well as the other underlings — are getting paid to protect jian yi because someone is out to hurt him.

this leads us back to the current chapter, where it has been clear for a while now that someone (unknown to us for now ~it could be the older man from before, could not be etc.) found out that jian yi is mr. jian’s son and now they want to harm jian yi. it is slightly suggestive that it could be to get to (or maybe ‘at’, as in revenge) his father but nothing has been confirmed yet. because of the rising danger surrounding jian yi, he will now be temporarily staying somewhere else that is considered safer for him in the meantime, and his mother will be meeting him there soon. she most likely knows more about what is going on and it is likely the reason for why she was away from home without any contact for so long as well.

eventually, (keep in mind this will happen later on in the story, it hasn’t happened yet and won’t for some time as jian yi is still in middle school) jian yi will disappear on the 2nd day of high school and he will be gone for about 3 years and come back when zhan zheng xi is a freshman in college.

so to shorten it up:

mr. jian is the boss of a mafia group

mr. jian and ms. jian were in disagreements with what to do with jian yi regarding his life/childhood. they’re estranged.

neither jian yi’s father or mother participated much in jian yi’s life. because of this jian yi seems to feel detached (and maybe a little bit of fear based on his dream) from his father who completely abandoned him, and has complicated feelings towards his mother because although she didn’t fully abandon him like his father and he loves and cares for her greatly, he is still frustrated by her lack of presence in his life often and how lonely it has made him.

there is someone, unknown, who is after jian yi and they want to harm and possibly kill him. mr. jian has sent underlings to protect him and they have taken him somewhere else to live (temporarily).

he cheng and qiu’s connection to jian yi’s family is in no way a personal one but a business one in that they are currently underlings who work for mr. jian’s (jian yi’s father) mafia group and have been ordered to protect jian yi.

I probably could’ve just shortened it to only those bullet points but I felt in order for you to get the overall idea and understanding of what was happening with his family’s situation and how he cheng and brother qiu are connected to it, I had to expand on who, why, what, etc… I also included stuff like how they feel towards each other as a family ~like how jian yi feels towards his parents / what they feel (or may feel in his father’s case) towards jian yi because I feel like that’s also part of knowing his family’s situation (not just the kidnapping or protecting stuff). hopefully this was a pretty decent refresher. I am sorry if there are any typos.

360 notes · View notes