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[unchosen-sorrow]

DONT BE OBSESSIVE DONT BE OBSESSIVE DONT BE OBSESSIVE

[unchosen-sorrow]

can’t believe it was going fine until today. and all i said was you should buy your medicine and you got all defensive and started saying it’s the same as me not quitting smoking. do you know how addictive it is

[unchosen-sorrow]

“I just want to be with someone who doesn’t disappear when love gets tough.”

— j. iron word

[unchosen-sorrow]

you cannot help someone that doesn’t wanna help themselves

[unchosen-sorrow]

and it finally ended. it hurts but the hurt is nowhere close to as big as the realisation that we’ll never spend another second together laughing, crying, playing, shouting, eating. all those months wasted away after a stupid argument

“It’s not the pain I’m afraid of; I know about the pain. What I’m afraid of is the end of this small, sweet dream.”

— Stephen King

[unchosen-sorrow]

“Come home to my heart.”

— Lorde

[unchosen-sorrow]

not once did you say you wanted me or this relationship, you just kept avoiding the question. i can’t believe you were just there for fun

[unchosen-sorrow]

im gonna type my thoughts out in the hopes that you read them one day and clear up confusion. also writing helps me get stuff outta my head.

so your problem was that i hung out with girls in a car talking about sex. im sorry i did that i thought going out with them would be okay since you had met them. about the sex part they were asking about US together, since our dynamic is not common (big guy small girl) they were asking about YOU and I. i also did get carried away because talking about sex is not common amongst guys so it was a different experience for me. As far as the permission thing goes, if it is all girls as far as i remember i’ve always asked your permission to go out, if there is a guy present tho then i didn’t feel the need to ask your permission. i’m sorry i should’ve asked first if that was the case.

about the taylor following me around, we had a conversation about navy making you uncomfortable and i agreed that her behaviour was weird and blocked her. you didn’t tell me to block her, but i still did it yk why because i love you and respect your boundaries, if you had told me that taylor was making you uncomfortable just like you did about navy i would’ve taken actions against her. in my eyes you were just trying to be social with the white dude so i thought nothing of it.

about, apparently, me making you the black ship. this is a confusing one because in my eyes i didn’t blame you for EVERYTHING that’s happening with me. i’ve told you time and time again how much i appreciate your efforts and thank you for everything. when you helped me with accidents, when you took care of me when i was sick, when you were there through my stupid fines! but i think i deserve a little appreciation too, if i think that i need more reassurance and a just a little more kind words or appreciation am i wrong to ask for that? if i don’t ask that from you who else am i gonna ask it from? if my home doesn’t welcome me, it starts feeling less like a home :( i just meant that people can change through the years, and i changed, i didn’t blame it on you tho.

i also felt like there were problems that were recurring, like i asked you time and time again to please make plans because that makes me feel appreciated. or i asked you to not leave me on seen because that makes me feel ignored. i’m not the one to play games that like “oh you leave me on read so i’m gonna leave you on delivered”. i see your text, i reply. i just wish that you did something about those problems since i’ve brought them up time and time again and because of that it makes me feel like you don’t care or respect this relationship. we’re all humans and i don’t expect you to be perfect, because i’m nowhere close myself but atleast taking time to talk it out and fix the relationship should be the bare minimum.

i also think i could’ve handled the carter situation better, but in my eyes when you fix someone else’s collar and look at them like that it hurts me, because i want you all to myself. when you take care or someone or do something for them like that when you could’ve just told him to fix his collar it makes me sad because you’re also like a motherly figure to me who takes care of me, so when i see you do it for others i get jealous.

i feel like you barely ever said ily first as well. i wrote you such cute little notes but i didn’t even get an ily back every night when you went to sleep. it hurt me everyday that i was doing that and i couldn’t get a simple text back.

but it’s okay. look hey it happened what has happened has happened. i just hope you see my perspective and how bad i was hurting too. as time goes by i’m gonna think about your perspective too and why you had to take such an extensive measure as suppressing yourself jusg to be with me, i’m gonna be a better person! and if we are meant to be, we’ll cross paths again :)

in the meantime please eat and drink water, take care of yourself and don’t do anything stupid! your next partner will appreciate it and i will too once i come back to you, once i come back home! until then we should both be better people - and if we never see each other again just know you were my first love <3

[unchosen-sorrow]

it hurts but i guess i find comfort in different things.

i find comfort in the fact that you said it was not fixable, so atleast you didn’t end it with any regrets.

i find comfort in all the hurtful things you said, “i’ll probably never depend on you”, all the name calling and everything else you said, all the double standards and stuff.

i find comfort in the fact that you said you were holding on to my past self, i guess we both were huh. i’m sorry that i couldn’t be more, i’m sorry that i couldn’t be enough.

but i find the most comfort in knowing that you were suppressing yourself, that you weren’t your true self and you finally let go of me. i find comfort in that because i never want to keep you in a situation where you have to be sad or hurt. i never want you to be in a relationship where you don’t feel like your true self. i find comfort in knowing you’ll be more happy without me there, because i just want you to be happy with or without me.

[unchosen-sorrow]

and i would still take you back because my love for you is still bigger than my ego and my self respect. and i’d still take you back because once you were my everything and i’d never regret the time we spent together. we had such good chemistry, such good friendship. i guess we both got so caught up in winning arguments that we both forgot how much we loved each other. you suppressed yourself and i filled that gap by going cold. i wouldn’t mind a new start, but that’s just empty words.

an end of a chapter doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the book :)

[unchosen-sorrow]

how could you do that to my mum. she spent so much time on picking so many outfits, bags, shoes, perfume for you and you just disrespected her. i didn’t have the heart to tell her we broke up yet, she asked me if you liked the gifts i just said i forgot to give them. maybe you’ll accept them some day. she was so excited for you to try on the dresses. she was so excited to see you in the clothes she picked out for you, and you truly would’ve looked beautiful like you always do. oh well i’m sorry mum

[unchosen-sorrow]

and you didn’t even listen to what i had to say. it was never about threatening to break up, i’ve said time and time again that i want to be with YOU and time and time again i kept getting hurt. it’s okay i will love you and have a special spot for you in my heart just like you did for AT. yep i didn’t forget yet haha. i wanna love you so hard, i wanna make things right so bad. looking back at all the photos just makes me miss yoh more and more but you’ve made up your mind, what can i do. i begged you in the car to stay, i begged you that i’ll make things right and you said don’t touch me. it sent chills through my spine when you said that. i’ve hurt you so much and i don’t think i can ever fix this. like you said unless something magical happens. i’m sorry. but i also feel sad that in the end you didn’t apologise either :(

[unchosen-sorrow]

“Ive been too busy missing you to be angry.”

— Karen Tei Yamashita

[unchosen-sorrow]

and i’ll wait, for an hour, just like i said until 7:30. this will the last time i wait and the last time i check anything related to you. at 7:30 if you’re not here, this chapter in my book is closed

[unchosen-sorrow]

wooo 11 months in 5 mins let’s see if you remember 🤭

[unchosen-sorrow]

why do i get punished? why me? why?

i get everything harder, i get constantly told i’m weak, i get compared to others, i get told to do something all the time, i get told that i’m no good if i don’t do something according to other and my stupid people pleasing ass falls for it.

i’m sick, i’m tired, i’m weak, i’m injured and everything hurts, my mind aches my body aches everything.

i don’t know what to do anymore, i can’t even let everything cruise because if i do it will go nowhere. i just wanna go home. i miss home. i wanna be in the presence of my home

[unchosen-sorrow]

when my mind is drowsy and my eyelids heavy

i try to sleep but it doesn’t come easy

a thousand things on my mind, i wonder why?

when all i’ve been is kind

teary eyes and aching legs

bloody arm with which for mercy he begs

painful smile he puts up for display

on his bed he just wishes to lay

a heavy heart he carries around

with love and duty he is bound

he just wishes to be happy, he wishes not to be a burden

what his future holds is definitely not certain

flashing lights, blue, red and white

he lays there in silence no will to fight

his wish finally granted

with bloody limbs on the road, he lays planted