unconditionalcaretaker

[unconditionalcaretaker]

Self-Trust vs. Morality

I am NOT back on this account but I wanted to talk about something I discussed with my therapist, which I think would have helped me navigate some of the conflicts I experienced on here.

I made a chart to try to explain the way I think. I tend to operate in what I think of as two modes: Morality On, and Morality Off.

Morality On

I continuously try to analyze the best thing to do in all situations, but I'm never sure.

I'm upset that I'm a bad person.

I'm trying to decide who is good and bad.

I try to punish myself to "correct behavior," try to atone, and do compulsions.

Morality Off

My mind is quieter. I just do what I feel like doing and express my real opinions (this is not anything horrible anyway, so people don't notice much difference in my decisions).

It's okay to be a bad person. I can go ahead and be who I am anyway because nobody is obligated to destroy themselves just for being bad.

Everyone is bad on some level, but that's fine. If someone does something awful, oh well, we'll try to work it out between ourselves then.

I have no compulsions. But I have a sense of helplessness at times because there's just nothing I can do.

I created these categories to explain how awful it is that I have to turn morality off completely before I can become functional. I expected her to suggest finding a middle ground between these two or say that I need to find the right moral system for me so that I will stop being so conflicted when morality is on. But instead, she suggested relabeling these categories. Morality On would actually be "Self-Trust Off" and Morality Off would actually be "Self-Trust On." Because in reality, my morality is always on. I still have a conscience and my views remain more or less the same between the two states. But sometimes, I go ahead and just trust myself to make the right decision instead of analyzing and analyzing again and again, and trying to use actions to "confirm" whether I've done the right thing and to "correct" just in case I was too far wrong. This feels like giving up because it involves giving up on compulsions. But it does not involve actually giving up on who I am.

Her advice was to be in that "Morality Off/Self-Trust On" state as often as possible, to lean into it. And to do this, she suggested spending less time with the people who make me question myself. This might sound like closed-mindedness, but it isn't meant in that sense - it's still fine to read many opinions, to consider facts, to have debates, and so on. What I should avoid are the people in my life who treat me as if I am too incompetent to have a moral opinion of my own, or as if I will definitely do the wrong thing every time, or as if the things I care about are meaningless, or as if I am not a full person (yes, these are my former abusers, for the most part). When I feel like there is something wrong with me, I can never arrive at an opinion/action that feels right, because I myself am involved in all decisions I make.

Anyway, I wanted to share this in the hopes that someone finds it useful, because it has been helping.

[unconditionalcaretaker]

How to Disable and Remove All AI Features in Mozilla Firefox

*deep, calming breath* On the plus side, the steps at that link were very clear and easy to follow.

[unconditionalcaretaker]

people often think i'm doing it for the bit but unfortunately i Am the type of guy who just says shit like "pray tell" and "indeed" and "naught but the human heart can hope to capture the moon's beauty" (that was actually about my shitty phone camera) and nobody really knows what to do when they hear those words come out of my mouth. myself included.

[unconditionalcaretaker]

A few years ago while trying to find ways to commit suicide as painlessly as possible, I came across a PDF of Dr. Paul Quinnett's The Forever Decision. Thinking it might go into actual methods of suicide (I read an article once that actually did that and was trying to find it again) I started to read it, and I think I only got about two pages in before I was crying too much to actually see the words.

I downloaded the PDF to my hard drive and I open it again whenever I'm feeling too suicidal to do much else, but not enough to start booking a ride to the hospital. And every time without fail I only go up to a few pages before backing off and choosing to live another day just because suicide suddenly seems even more unbearable than whatever the hell upset me in the first place.

All the book really does is [I'm pulling a summary from GoodReads here as, again, I've read no more than 5 pages] "discusses the social aspects of suicide, the right to die, anger, loneliness, depression, stress, hopelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, the consequences of a suicide attempt, and how to get help."

But it also starts with the author kindly asking the reader to complete the book before going through with anything, and for some reason I'm compelled to really just try to read it all before finalizing everything. Despite not yet completing it (hopefully never will) I think I can safely say it's saved my life at least a few times now.

It's intentionally legal to copy and redistribute this book to keep it as accessible as possible, and it's very easy to find, but here's a link for it anyways.

[unconditionalcaretaker]

If we start from the assumption that neurotypicals are “normal,” and Autistics are “disordered,” then poor connections between neurotypicals and Autistics inevitably get blamed on some “defect” or “deficit” in Autistics. If an Autistic can’t understand a neurotypical, it’s because Autistics have empathy deficits and impaired communication skills; if a neurotypical can’t understand an Autistic, it’s because Autistics have empathy deficits and poor communication skills. All the frictions and failures of connection between the two groups, and all the difficulties Autistics run into in neurotypical society, all get blamed on Autism. But when our vision is no longer clouded by the illusion of “normal,” we can recognize this double standard for what it is, recognize it as just another manifestation of the sort of privilege and power that dominant majorities so often wield over minorities of any sort.

-”Throw Away the Master’s Tools” from Neuroqueer Heresies by Nick Walker

[unconditionalcaretaker]

In other news, the current sn/zblr situation is really fucking me up. 13 year olds are out here lying about their age apparently - which I knew, but like…it was so brazen. I never interacted with that person, fortunately, but still. It could be anybody. Why am I publishing my work in a place where that’s possible? Why am I publishing my work at all? And it’s not even “work,” it’s not even good enough to be called that anyway. I am just messing around to escape reality and pretending it’s meaningful, and people are getting hurt in the process. I really really just want to deactivate.

[unconditionalcaretaker]

There is such a longing to engage with someone who knows me as well as I know myself and hates me as much as I hate myself. Sometimes I feel that anyone who doesn’t meet both of these qualifications has misunderstood me gravely.

[unconditionalcaretaker]

as a person who lost a loved one to addiction, i would rather have them be able to use safely in a sterile environment with safe equipment, where they can 100% know the drug is not laced with something deadly, and live- than them dying because they didn’t know what the drug contained, or because no one was there to make sure they weren’t ODing, or because they used dirty equipment in a dirty environment.

again more simply put, i would rather have my dead loved one continue using drugs in a safe manner and stay alive, than die the way they did because the stigma around substance use is not only dangerous, but lethal.

harm reduction saves lives.

[unconditionalcaretaker]

Some pages from my book of pressed flowers

[unconditionalcaretaker]

Maybe he’s right though, like in all honesty, I do talk about my problems too much, like maybe this isn’t even a him thing. I mean come on, I’m still doing it literally right now.

He also, factually, does not care about me though, so. But I could stand to be less unpleasant.

[unconditionalcaretaker]

The thing about my friend is that sometimes he will break kayfabe completely and just admit: “I don’t want to hear about you. I don’t care.” And then I will just listen while he talks about himself. And then hang up. And then cry until I can’t breathe. And then it’s fine.

There’s a post that says something about standing outside the house of a friend’s family, locked out, that ends with, “I appreciate the clarity.” And I honestly do. I hope he never stops being him.

I’m laughing while I sob right now because you know what? I love him around and including this. I hope I’m there at his bedside holding his hand while he passes some sixty long years from now. And I know I won’t be. And even if I am, he won’t really be holding mine in return. And just…fuck, man.

[unconditionalcaretaker]

night shift

[unconditionalcaretaker]

holy shit. this guy on the bus talking to a girl about how he trades stocks. and she goes “have you seen american psycho” and he said no i dont watch movies. im too busy trading

[unconditionalcaretaker]

can i matchmake you guys somehow?

[unconditionalcaretaker]

Sometimes I am doing a thing, anything, and I am just hit with this forceful wave of preemptive guilt. “Stop. You fucked up somewhere. You just can’t see it yet, but this is wrong. This is really bad. Stop before you hurt someone.” I know, I know I messed up. I’m certain. What did I do?

[unconditionalcaretaker]

Mass reblog flag burning gifs to purge bootlickers

[unconditionalcaretaker]

Take two cuz im forgetful - Genuine question

please rb im so curious