underthecanopyofstars

[underthecanopyofstars]

[underthecanopyofstars]

Volatile

This wasn't a relationship

It was an internship

To learn how to be in a relationship I behind the curve

And you against the grain

We never caught up to each other I scratched the surface

Of your newly decided life

I cooperated with your code of dishonor

And I in turned sacrificed my code of love

I'm settling into the stillness of my surrender

Of my longing that no longer cares to give way to the thirst that still lingers

I'm parched, again

But will make do with the collection of tears sacrificed for you

Salty like the taste of you

It comes back and haunts me at the most inappropriate times

Thirst gives way to hunger when I can't drink from an empty glass

And when I see my face reflected back at me from the yet another empty plate, disfigured, not like my likeness I swallow my tongue and tie my hands so I won't use them to call you

[underthecanopyofstars]

In The Dead of a California Winter

I fell asleep in your arms And I awoke to the sun screaming in my face I don’t even mind that you talk in your sleep Or that your room is a mess And that you carry yourself with something less than grace 

I’m trying to find a clever way To tell you that I’m in love with you But nothing comes to mind

We fucked another picture off the wall And I haven’t bothered to pin it back up I hope I don’t fuck this up again I hope this time we’ll both just be enough

I’m not asking you to sign on the dotted line I’m not asking you to make water into wine I just want you to let me in and love you

In the dead of a California winter It was much too warm for so many clothes We spoke of fears and loves and other things lost And our eyes said things that we will never know

[underthecanopyofstars]

Paper Carrots

Gently hallucinating Giant paper carrots At the foot of the bed It's only the duvet And your sleep talk

[underthecanopyofstars]

Second to last show of #reservoirbitches. Next Thursday, Feb 12 at 8 pm is closing night. #nothipstamatic (at The TreStage)

[underthecanopyofstars]

The Separation of Heart and Head

Surprisingly I can stand the sun in my eyes when I sleep by your side You hold me while you’re sleeping and while I try to pretend that I am I stay awake to feel you surrounding me with your body You sleep talk and say,

Squishy girl! Mmm, happy!

And you bring me closer to you and you squeeze me tighter, and my love for you grows more Dare I say what I feel I've never felt before And that scares me more than when I thought I would never have you back

But somehow I knew that I would 

Now I don't know what to do with these intense feelings Growing more and more everyday

In love - I can feel it  In love - more than what I already am now?   You replied when I said just fall in love with me already I'm in love with you and the only thing I can do is cry

It's so intense I don't know how else to respond 

[underthecanopyofstars]

Thanks to @soterodee for directing and shooting my first music video. #nothipstamatic #iphone6 #guitar

[underthecanopyofstars]

Dear 2014,

Fuck you and thank you for all the lessons, heartbreak, successes, tears, joys, midnight dances in the rain, cemetery walks in the dim light of the moon, trips to paradise, for the courage to speak up and stand in my truth, for not settling and taking less than what I know I’m worth and all that other shit. 

Thank you for losses that I hope some day will be seen as ways to have gratitude for what I had, what was, what can be and what still is in spite of. This year I lost my cat, my job and the briefest relationship I’ve ever had with a man that I thought was something I had prayed for. Where is the justice in this? 

Thank you for the clarity, the room, all the emotions and feelings that I know one day will help me transcend this space and time. Thank you for the inconsolable moments of desperation and the friends who were present to witness and support. 

Thank you for giving me what I needed just when I needed it albeit through yet another catalyst that would open a new door for more work and greater recovery. 

2014, you bitter sweet fucking bitch. All I can taste is the bitter, I’m blinded by it - the sweet might as well not exist. 

[underthecanopyofstars]

Pull The Pin

Last night I dreamt that my heart was a grenade And we were lying in a cemetery full of mines The pin was rusty so you told me to be careful not to let it break off

Lately I go to bed with a racing heart And I wake up to the startling sensation of it wanting to jump out of my chest I can feel your cheerful anxiety, I think Even from one state away And maybe I’m one state away from a condition that would justify my desire for you still Still after all that I know and have yet to see true

Go ahead, pull the pin and watch me explode

[underthecanopyofstars]

That Day in December

The struggles. Being human. Loving freely? Looking for connection. Deal breakers. Being wrapped in the wrong package. Crying inconsolably. Asking why. Pleading to the heavens. Realizing. Not denying. Well, maybe a little bit, for a little while. Letting go for now. Holding on for later. Identifying. Where is peace made? Where does it hurt? Hearts break. Hearts are silenced. Gagged. Blindfolded. Neglected. Brought to question. No answer can be heard. Left alone to grieve what can’t be understood yet. That’s where it hurts. Where you can’t see. But you can feel. Feel too much. The struggle. I give up. Resigned. Again. 

#words #poetry? #noparticularorder #nospecificthought #life 

[underthecanopyofstars]

#hipstamatic #blackandwhite #reservoirbitches

[underthecanopyofstars]

Waiting in the car #slefie #hipstamatic #blackandwhite #ijusthadacheeseburger

[underthecanopyofstars]

Selfish

forgive me if I am crossing a boundary by saying this. forgive me if you already have a sweetheart you hold at night. but right now, tonight, I wish we were sharing a bed so that we might hold each other. and tell each other stories with our skin, listen with our hearts, breathe together and connect all our parts. forgive me. my desires.

[underthecanopyofstars]

October 29, 2014

Lonely lioness no one can hear you roar The rain this morning made me dream of the orange trees briefly I saw them through windows and mirrors Reflected back at me, into me The safety of the canopy created by the two trees is what I have been in search of since my childhood I think I Find it briefly in others, in people who seem less broken than me The truth is I have to stop looking and just let it arrive on it's own Like love Love that never ceases to be It only changes forms It's in the faces of children when they smile at a parent In a glance across the table to the one who has just arrived But I still search far and wide, in the eyes of anyone who will meet with mine I miss those orange trees And the safety they offered I miss the carefree moments spent under them

[underthecanopyofstars]

Green Street

A song I wrote a couple of days ago.

[underthecanopyofstars]

Moon to Moon

Within the time the moon phased through once, we were come and gone Come once, twice, so many times over and over And now it’s all over Too quick, too soon To me it was more than just fun

Is it you? Or the idea of you that I mourn? I know I was the one who chose to walk away But it still hurts It hurts so much more Than I can ever admit or ever say

Take me Take me back Back to where we were born In that place of death Of eternal rest Under the moon and stars Where I was immediately forewarned

[underthecanopyofstars]

Crash and Burn

We learn things slowly but we want quick results. What to do in the meantime? What to do in between the experiences and the learning that will only lead to more experiences and more learning? It’s not love yet, as much as I want it to be. But life is short and it waits for no one. I’m famished. And weak. I want it now. If forced, nothing good will come. But waiting is torture. Please just take me to where I need to be. If that’s right here, right now, so be it. Is it true that love waits?