uniceb

[uniceb]

If You Were Still Alive, I’d Be Different

The mere death of someone you love can break your soul into the tiniest pieces, scattered in all parts of your world. You may so badly want to find it and put it back to your lost puzzle but some old pieces weren’t really meant to be found. They were destined to be left in the past and you move on to a new journey towards the same size of the puzzle piece but with a different color.

There cannot be a comparison to the loss of a parent to any heartbreak. It is above all, the most devastating feeling that can ever happen to your life. It will rob a part of you. You will be deprived from your senses to live. You will be consumed with grief and suffer with those indelible memories. You will be exhausted with the regrets you keep replaying in your thoughts, the loving words you could have told him, the hugs he deserved and the inevitable time you cannot rewind that you could have spent before his sudden passing.

I do wonder and forever I will, Dad. How would my life be if you were still alive?

I had lost you before reaching my 16th birthday. I was just starting to be an adult. I was just learning the norms of the world. I was just beginning to like a boy. I was in a battle with my thoughts of what I wanted to be and needed your opinions. We were such a happy family filled with laughs because you were the humorous clown. But in just a blink of an eye, you were gone and everything went into crumbles.

I am now living an independent life on my own. Would it be different if you were still alive? I may have been still living in the same roof with you and Mom or you may be proud of where I am now.

I had experienced heartbreaks from relationships. Would it be different if you were still alive? Would you get mad at them? Because you used to tell me that not a single man in the world should break your little princess’ heart or else they should prepare for your wrath. Though, I am pretty sure it would end up with you comforting me and make me laugh so hard that I would forget why I was hurt in the first place.

I had a lot of realizations with who I am and what I want in life. Would it be different if you were still alive? You could have given me more insights and shared your wisdom. I could have lived the life of the old happy-go-lucky kid with a Father. I had to force myself to mature early. I have changed and I believe it is for the betterment of my fate. I know you would accept me for whatever I have become because you’re my Dad.

I do wonder, would you still unexpectedly chat or text me with your silly jokes and tease me? I had never deleted your number. There were times I texted you and hoped that you received it. You’ve always replied to me. Now, you sometimes reply in my dreams or give me signs. I am glad you are still watching over us.

I do wonder, would you still be my karaoke duet? You had a great voice. Mom doesn’t like singing much but you love to and I did too.

I do wonder, would you be my jogging partner? My boxing coach? My basketball rival? My gun shooting ally? You just love your sports! You taught me everything you could.

I do wonder, if you were the one to take me down the aisle on my wedding day, would you cry? You never showed me your tears. You always had a strong front.

These thoughts and wonders have occurred to me for 9 years since your eternal rest. I had only one regret in life, it is not being able to show and tell you how much I love you. Until then, I never added anymore remorse. I always convey my honest feelings to people because it might be the last time I could…

It may and would have been different if you were still alive. Though, I believe that the person I have become now could still be the same person if you are living. Throughout, you have always guided me and you were always there even in my toughest ordeals. You are in my heart, in my memories and my soul.

I have not completed my jigsaw puzzle of life yet but I had found and created pieces that fits perfectly. It is as colorful as the life I had with you, Dad.