unicorns-killed-me

[unicorns-killed-me]

Is this rock bottom yet?

I'm not sure if this is rock bottom yet. Reading through the last post makes it so evident... I was reckless ignoring the signs.

So here I am: full crash burnout. Forced to take leave from work. Already dreading the return. At least now it has become clear that this is not it. I need to change jobs/position. I've been searching, but unless you're IT there seems to be no job available for you. But I'll keep searching, because I need to run away from this. Not even into perfect job happiness. Just away from people.

It took me 2 major meltdowns where I just couldn't stop crying for long enough to regain composure and show up at work (let alone all the other small tearing up episodes).

There are small blessings in all this though, and a coworker who brings my laptop to the entrance so I can take it home and work without the boss knowing, and calls me 3 times that day to talk and help is really priceless.

Nonetheless, the long hours, constant worrying, the overwhelming fear of failure eventually catch up and turn into something else. What would usually take me minutes to do will take me hours and even days. I can't think. I can't think! I feel my brain is congested, unable to function. I stopped going to the gym around a year or so ago. And I find myself craving sweets which I usually don't care about at all. I run on sugar and caffeine. I still can't think. I cry because of everything. Because of nothing.

One time, driving home from my parents I noticed my hands were shaking. Thought it was from stress. Then I realized the next day it wouldn't stop. And the next day. And the next. That was my normal state now.

Pounds start to pile up. Simply going to sleep the minute I get home. Neglect personal hygiene, my house, my beloved cats. Sleeping nearly 20h a weekend, almost 13h every night. Stop caring what I wore. Worse: everyone can see the walking open wound I've become.

There's no pleasure to be found. The things I love, the people I (try to) care about... Not a feeling. A thought. A smile.

Nothing.

I can't think.

I can't emote.

Nothing.

I felt ready to snap at my team members had they even dared to talk to me. Couldn't feel anything else, but I could resent them. Never did it out of professionalism and ethics, I guess. Didn't lessen the irritation or even hatred.

Just stopped doing my work, whatever I was supposed to do. My boss was incredibly patient during those last days.

At the same time, it was my birthday last month. And the wounds from the breakup last year were painfully reopened too. My ex sister in law mentioned during the call that he is going to be a father.

And I had no idea why that hurt so much.

Someone had already ruined my birthday unintentionally. I wouldn't ruin my birthday dinner with my parents. But when he texted me happy birthday and a few lines of banalities I drank two more glasses of wine and told them.

Cue the next morning. I finally slept in my bed after months of sleeping on the couch. I get up, pull up the blinders and there they are. Having breakfast on the balcony. A habit that used to be ours too.

You can't make this shit up. Nearly 1 year after we broke up he moves in with his new girlfriend to an apartment, on the other side of the street, 1 building up (it's a small hill, if we can call it that). Yes, he knew I lived here. When we broke up he came here to pick up the keys from our old apartment.

Never thought much of it, as I never saw them, and didn't know which apartment it was. Now I know, and I can see it from my balcony. If I'm smoking outside I can occasionally see him in the kitchen. Before I would only see the car occasionally. Now the game was up. In a twisted, painful way.

It took me this coming down crashing hard to realize I had rationalized so much that I was falsely believing I was over the break up. But I wasn't. I'm still not.

I am over him, yes. What I can't get over is how fast he moved on. In 4 months, after 8 years living together. Why moving here when the city is big enough for both of us? Why is he entitled to be happy and building his life already and I'm not? In a millisecond I reason myself into thinking that someone mature and well resolved does not think about small things like that.

I don't allow myself to be human, in personal and work life.

So the Universe keeps slapping me in the face with these episodes until I get it.

Even now as I'm writing this I'm thinking there are too many 'I this, I that'. My normal self would read this and just think 'what a whiny bitch, just get the fuck over yourself already!'

I'm in a dark place right now, but for some reason I feel I'm not entitled to be weak. This is so deeply ingrained in me and I have no idea where it comes from.

Just today I was missing the feeling of being happy with my body when I worked out regularly. Thinking seriously about getting that feeling and that body back. Knowing it would help my brain heal too... And here I am, relapsing on my crying moments. Thinking how am I going back to work next Monday when I just want to hide from those people. Starting my second cigarette pack of the day. Feeling stifled, asphyxiated, when all I want to do in this world is to write. Wondering if I can cry myself out of pain, eventually... Will this be healed and disappear if I cry it all out? I thought I had already, and then...

"Well, get off your ass and start doing something about it then!" I need to, I just don't know where to start.

"I don't know if I'm trying to prove myself I can do this job or to anybody else". Now I know.

Pluto on the Descendant was not about owning authority and becoming a leader. It just created the outer circumstances so that Chiron would come along to the Midheaven and forced me to accept that after 3 years of this, I need to stop. Stop listening to all the voices telling me "but you do this so well, you're brilliant at what you do!" and listen to my own.

Whilst Pluto will be gone in a year from now, Chiron will be around until 2019.

I once read that Pluto transits feel like being kidnapped and kept in a dark basement, hanged upside down. He will occasionally visit and ask if you let go. And you resist. When you finally have your skin removed and are left hanging in the dark, in nothing but flesh and blood, he will come for the final visit and a battered you will give up because there's nothing else to lose.

And that is when Pluto brings you back to the surface. A better you, ready for the gifts that were awaiting you to let go of the chains, handcuffs and fears of the past.

I need to get back to this job for now, but I'm already looking for another one. But I feel there is something so deeply broken inside me that I don't know if it can be fixed by downgrading jobs. I can only see myself able to cope by shutting down, but out of need for self protection and not due to exhaustion. 8 hour days, no more. Shallow one to one meetings instead of investing myself so deeply and becoming the full time psychologist for 17 people.

I need to cry over and feel all the anger I have not allowed myself to feel over the breakup, even though it will be 2 years in January.

I need to love myself again enough to want to treat my body well.

But for now I just feel like I need to wallow in self pity and I don't want to. I'm lost. I regained some strength, but I know it's too soon to get back to work. I don't know if I'll crash again or not. I hate this body with these extra few pounds and hope work won't steal the strength away from me again. (Now I understand why I felt I didn't have enough physical strength to work out again. I hadn't.)

Friendships that made sense a year ago and brought the 3 of us so much joy turned into an obligation. How can I be in this deepshit and feel I've outgrown them?

I'm sad, a bit scared and lonely. I'm tired. So tired...

All this time I focused on thinking there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, that being sad and fragile is normal and eventually goes away. That didn't work.

I don't want to, but I need to cry. I just can't stand myself playing the victim.

I'm just tired. So tired.

[unicorns-killed-me]

[unicorns-killed-me]

Astrological thoughts

I knew it would be hard, and now I’m taking the brunt of it. Pluto exactly opposite my Cancer ascendant. Chiron sitting exactly on my Pisces midheaven. Pain. Lots of it. Surprisingly enough, not on the relationship sphere. Work. It’s all about work and authority. Pluto slowly brought my 8 year old relationship to an end last year. It was the right time. Overcoming my demons tooke me a year and now I’m at peace. But then, even though I knew Chiron was getting painfully close to my Mc I still decided to take the leap and change jobs after 5 years at an amazing startup. I needed more structure and less chaos. I was tired of power struggles and opposition (Pluto). Chiron might mean it will be hard at first or that the contract will not be renewed after the first 6 months. And also that I probably have something to learn that will make me better and stronger. I’m an introvert who reached management in corporate. Learning how to manage people was painful and rewarding. But I keep finding myself trying to prove that I can do this, that I am capable. I don’t know if to myself or someone else anymore. Changing jobs gave me the notion that yes, I do know enough and I’m good at what I do. And yet… The opposing energy is still there, same as it was at the previous job. It just took another shape and a stronger character. During the first stages of these transits I thought this was about overcoming my insecure self and owning my authority (Pluto on the Capricorn descendant). After the translation degree I wanted to spend the rest of my days translating literature and eventually write my own novel. I ended up at a contact center answering phones and became a manager 3 years later. Amazing startup starts to change as it heads towards becoming full corporate. New people, new bosses, the painful changes happening only on the department where I was. Come aboard all the people with corporate experience to make this happen and close all possibilities to the ones who built the company up. It’s needed and it has to happen. I’m ok with new people and even us not being wanted anymore. I just didn’t have any other department to turn to as it was very specific. Mass exodus, me and the older ones. I thought I needed structure and wanted to learn more in the real corporate. Started off brilliantly. And then… Department was created here because people lost their jobs somewhere else. Before, managers were operational, putting out fires and barely managing people. The transition separated these two roles and I got the one where I should only manage people. Big Boss on the other country keeps picking on my boss because there’s no need for me and there could be a cost saving there. Join in his pet senior agent who complained about salary and responsibilities (being only a senior he earns less and knows zero about people development, one of the company’s biggest goals). Being only a people manager and not ‘knowing’ about their daily tasks also creates resistance within the team, from at least two elements (team of 8, in total I have 16, on 3 small teams). So yes… Power struggles, rejection everywhere. Adding to this, Uranus in Aries, at the quite critical degree of 28’ is squaring my natal Mars in Capricorn. Mars sextiles Mc, but with Chiron sitting there… At the moment, transiting Mars and Sun in Cancer, which made me feel like the biggest whimp, are heading towards a square with Uranus, still in 10th house. None of this should be this critical if it wasn’t for my natal stellium in Scorpio (Moon, Mercury, Venus and Pluto). Add the Cancer ascendant and the natal Sun in Libra squaring it. At this point I’m still trying to figure out if I enjoy management when the background noise and the power struggles are not there to throw me off balance. Having always said I don’t like people, I thought this was something I needed to learn. And yet this job is changing me, for the worst. Three months in and I lost sleep; anxiety and stress levels through the roof every day (borderline on the panic attack) headaches; I’m heavier, physically and emotionally as I can’t find joy in anything anymore. I don’t want to keep climbing the ladder, I just want to be happy. I barely smile, standing silent most times. Family and friends notice the change and are worried. I have my heart on my sleeve and cry easily when thinking about this. Very privately and secretly I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I just can’t bring myself to do it because believing in reincarnation I don’t want to go through something similar or harder next time to ensure I learn what I need. I don’t want to leave the impression of having taken the easier way out. And I can’t bear the thought of leaving my pets with someone else. And yes, I consider the pain of family and friends too. And why is everything so painful? Because I feel part of the millenials who realized we’re here to make something better, help people and try to make the world a better place. For a few years I’ve taken interest in astrology and been studying for quite a while now. Even though I thought the lesson was around people, I’m also learning how to manage without being the expert on the daily tasks, how to manage firmly under challenging circumstances, people, stopping that cancer ascendant from getting in the way and figuring out if I really like this or not. And as Pluto sits on my Descendant and Chiron on my Mc I realize the passion was lost long ago. No, this is not it. I don’t want to spend every day struggling to prove myself, feeling miserable, developing people who have no sense of professionalism whatsoever, moved by personal greed alone. There’s gotta be more to life than this. And the notion that my love for writing, astrology and counseling should be nurtured becomes unbearable. Hopefully I’ll stop caring and taking everything so personally. My sanity needs it but I still can’t get over this overwhelming sadness. Maybe self sabotage will kick in and the contract will not be renewed. I’ll be broke and will have to get back to my parents house. For now I’m mustering up the courage to apply for the astrology course starting in September. Need to shut down the outside noise telling me I just doubt myself and these stormy times will eventually disappear. I know I’m good at what I do. I just hate it and it’s slowly killing me. Slowly, but surely. Learn, practice, juggle both things until I can do what I love. I won’t let corporate eat me away. Just like the scorpion, I would rather kill myself first.

[unicorns-killed-me]

It’s 4.40am, I can’t sleep and decided to join tumblr today. Haven’t been living under a rock, I swear.