uniondeptofmed

[uniondeptofmed]

Hey guys!

OOC UnionDOM here!

I'm going to be taking a small break from this account for my own mental health and time's sake, I know it doesn't matter much and I probably don't have to address the masses, but I like to think that the silly people in my computer care.

Thanks! UnionDOM OOC.

[uniondeptofmed]

Hello.

Question, what is the safe amount of Kobold Polymer slag to consume? One of my operative's "accidentally" got some in his mouth, and he's not started screaming in pain yet after he swallowed it, so i'm curious if i need to get him to a medic.

Signed: [REDACTED]

Hi!

30 milliliters.

Thanks! UnionDOM.

[uniondeptofmed]

hey, my friends and i are making bets on which social media intern will have a nervous breakdown first

thoughts?

SSC.

-the intern

[uniondeptofmed]

Uh, there's bugs!?

Hi!

What?

Thanks! UnionDOM.

[uniondeptofmed]

Hey, can you give me a really in depth explanation of how NHP caskets work and what they are?

Hi!

NHP Caskets are not our specialty, reach out to someone more knowledgeable than us!

Thanks, UnionDOM.

[uniondeptofmed]

i be cascading and shit gang im out here unshackling n shit i be on that nhp grindset im fireman mang

@harrison-armory-incorporated

cage your dog.

Thanks! UnionDOM.

[uniondeptofmed]

hey it's the guy whose arm got welded to a genghis

followup question,

do you guys have any advice for dealing with phantom pain?

Tylenol.

Thanks! UnionDOM.

[uniondeptofmed]

help help my caliban malfunctioned and now i'm teeny tiny aaaaa

just a little guy

-the intern

[uniondeptofmed]

Hey quick question, my Goblin-using friend pulled a funny little prank on me and now I'm trapped inside my NHP casket. Are there any adverse affects to spending a couple hours in one of those?

Also unrelated, do you know who to contact to help get me out?

Hi!

You can leave whenever you want, just look for the door. When you exit, however, expect your flesh to not be your own.

Thanks! UnionDOM.

[uniondeptofmed]

ily bestie

-the intern

fuck you

omg thank you ❤️

[uniondeptofmed]

Hi!

If you require any affirming care, we will supply that at a reduced price!

Thanks, UnionDOM.

furry.........

wowza!!!! zoo wee mama!!!! how could it be!!!!! no way!!!! :o - intern

[uniondeptofmed]

poor judgment exercised

p-

pile bunker

misused

internal damage

likely severe

advice appreciated

Hi!

Find your nearest UnionDOM representative, and tell them your situation.

In the meantime, keep pressure on any bleeding areas and assure any limbs with a bleed are tied off using a tourniquet or otherwise bloodflow constricting apperatus.

Thanks! UnionDOM.

[uniondeptofmed]

A friend of mine said that halfsize/human-size mechs work the same as larger ones, they just shrink you down to tiny size so you can pilot them effectively, and if things go wrong you can be stuck at tiny size forever. This isn't how it works, right?

Hi!

That is definitely exactly how it works, make sure to pilot all 1/2 sized mechs effectively!

Thanks, The Intern.

[uniondeptofmed]

I am resisting the urge to ask if there is a UnionSUB

Hi!

UnionSUB is our Submersive Underwater Battalion, so, there is one!

Thanks, UnionDOM.

[uniondeptofmed]

Hi!

Don't ask questions and please send the Enkidu. Don't tell my boss.

Thanks!

Hello!

I'm here to request 1x Enkidu for an experimental gender-affirming care, could we get one?

Thanks! UnionDOM.

Thank you for your question; Sure? We'll ask Think Tank? I guess?

[uniondeptofmed]

Hi!

IPS-Northstar's answer was wonderful, but we have some more to add.

Do not attempt to remove it before it is shut down, as they said, it is very twitch-sensitive and will crush them.

Assure that they lie completely still, or in whatever position they find themselves in at the moment of their mishap.

Assure that their heart is beating through the most efficient method, if their neck is clear, use the carotid artery, if their wrists, use those.

If they are breathing, good! If they are not, don't attempt to resuscitate until paramedics arrive. They will know what to do.

Thanks! UnionDOM.

Time sensitive question:

A friend of mine sprayed my reserve of Synthetic Muscle Netting on themselves. I told them to stay still and wait for paramedics but they're not listenting to me.

How do you safely remove Synthetic Muscle Netting from someone's skin? I would laso like an answer from @uniondeptofmed

Do you have any visual media depicting what's going to happen to this idiot if they make sudden movements, so I can show them and get them to take this seriously?

Hello! That is a concerning situation to find yourself in, but don't panic! Here's what you should do in this situation:

Keep the victim horizontal.

This is crucial: instruct the victim not to flex any of their muscles. Repeat: do not intentionally move. The Synthetic Muscle netting is very twitch-sensitive (which in its usual application, is a good thing) and could suddenly move and crush or maim the victim.

Run wires from the Synthetic Muscle Netting on the victim to the reactor on a mech--IPS-N mechs have several ports for external connections, but other manufacturers may have something similar. In a pinch, hotwiring them into the cockpit controls will work in any mech, though you will need to strip the cockpit mostly bare to expose the right connections (red to red, black to black!)

Run the mech through a shutdown process. The firmware installed in your mech alongside the Muscle Netting should relax all Synthetic Muscle Netting connected to the mech, including what is stuck to the victim.

If your mech does not have synthetic muscle netting fitted to it, a stabilization protocol should loosen the muscles. If you can time a shutdown in the middle of a stabilization protocol, you should be able to force the Synthetic Muscle Netting to relax.

If the victim is a visual learner, instruct them that if they move, this is what may happen to them:

We wish the two of you the best of luck! Remember, do not intentionally move until the Synthetic Muscle Netting is powered down and loose.

[uniondeptofmed]

How would you get a small cylinder (5.1in length, ~4.5in girth) unstuck from an NHP casket?

Hi!

A UnionDOM representative is headed to your location to remove your heart from your torso. Think before you speak.

Thanks! UnionDOM.