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Egg groups Part 1 [NSFW]

[This will be NSFW, you have been warned. Descriptions not only of sex, but violence, non-consent, animal sex, animal genitals, and some other unpleasant stuff is contained below.]

Introduction

Pokemon are interesting. In the wild, they tend to breed within their own species. This is true of both humans and pokemon. However, they are also capable of breeding with any other creatures in what is referred to as their “egg group”. The hows of this breeding are what I’m going to discuss, but the whys are baffling. Why would creatures, many of whom exist in predator and prey relationships, be able to breed with each other? What evolutionary purpose does this provide?

Two popular theories exist to justify this behaviour: 

The first is the idea of convenience. If no others of a similar species are around, it can be incredibly fortuitous to have options. It’s very possible that it is a preservative measure, preventing extinction from ever truly being a danger to the species as a whole. Of course, this fails to address why predator and prey would be able to have such a relationship. Meeting each other is more likely to result in the ending of the species, rather than its continuation.

The second is that of singularity. There was a point where there was only one pokemon. Mew, Arceus, or just a proto pokemon, depending on how much you buy into all that mystical nonsense. The idea is that because all subsequent pokemon spawned off from there, there would still be a connection that wouldn’t have been evolved out. The only reason, under this model, that we have separate egg groups is for adaptation to certain environments. This theory is shaky because its explanation of egg groups is a bit… reductionist. Why only 15? Why are some, like the Undiscovered egg group, so radically different to the others? Where do humans fit into this model?

What do I think? I think there is some truth to both of them, but they certainly have their faults. More facts must come to light before I decide for sure.

However, just because we don’t know why they work doesn’t mean we don’t know how they work. So in this and the next few posts, I will be explaining how each egg group works: genitalia structures, mating rituals, interesting facts, and how these pokemon fit into their group.

Monster

A rather large egg group. Not nearly as vast as the Field group, but with a great deal of pokemon nonetheless. A common trait of this group is that of the bipedal reptilian. Counter-examples exist, but that is the common theme, at least superficially.

Like all pokemon, those in the Monster group lay eggs. However, unlike the others, they often lay them in batches, rather than one egg at a time. A Snorlax, nicknamed Lilly, in the Johto region holds the current record for most eggs produced in a single litter, with 16.

This is not the only thing that sets the Monster’s apart, of course. The genitals of the males are… unpleasant. The visage of a male’s penis is thought to have been the reason for this egg group’s name. They are long, thin, and tangled like the wool of a Mareep. When aroused, they unspool themselves like a fleshy firehouse being filled with water. They’re prehensile, so they wave around, giving the impression that they’re trying to feel out a mate.

Males in the Monster group enter heat, but females do not. The females can breed at all times but have no recognizable desire to do so, with the notable exception of Kangaskhan. The heat lasts between a week and two months out of per year, depending on the creature. During that time, they will seek out a mate who they can jam these tendril genitals into.

Females will often fight off males who try to mate with them, as they don’t seem to be aware that it’s necessary for the species survival. They may think that the male is trying to steal food, or attack them. Males, in turn, are often quite perplexed by this and will continue to try to have sex with the now hostile female. This often leads to both parties coming away with scratches, bruises, and even life-threatening injuries.

As such, despite the hormones clouding their minds, males will look for physically weaker partners, so that they aren’t killed whilst trying to create new life. This is most overtly expressed in the relation of the male and female Nidoran lines. The male Nidoran is capable of breeding up to its third evolution, whilst the female becomes infertile the moment it evolves into a Nidorina.

Human-Like

This Egg-group has been the focal point for discussion about how different pokemon and humans truly are. This group is characterized by all of its occupants being upright, bipedal, and possessing some form of hands (though not necessarily thumbs). Most, though not all, are either Psychic or Fighting-type.

And most disturbingly, their genitalia very closely mimics humans. Not just genitals, but their entire breeding process.

All males in this egg group have a single penis, with two testes sitting outside the body. Females have a vagina, containing a clitoris and two ovaries.

Humans are the only known creatures on this earth who have live births, and this is the only difference between humans the human-like egg group. Those in this group still produce eggs. However, like humans, they have a long gestation period: most commonly between six and eighteen months.

Many female pokemon in this group menstruate. Most egg groups will store reproductive resources until they are needed, and then manufacture new ones once the old set has been utilized. However, both humans and the human-like egg group regularly flush unused eggs out of their bodies, along with their uterine lining.

The reason this happens is thought to be a by-product of the fact that both humans and those in the human-like egg group can mate and conceive a child at any time. The menstrual cycle is believed to be the result of a reproductive system that is always on high alert.

Despite their similarities in a million tiny areas, please do not have sex with your pokemon. Far less ethical researchers have already tried and have been ejected from this profession. It did not create a human-pokemon hybrid, it did nothing except do serious psychological damage to the Pokemon involved. It is believed that humans, if we have an egg group at all, are some combination of the equipment of the Human-like group, the exclusivity of the Ditto group, and the inability for out of species breeding seen in the Undiscovered group.

[unitedtheorypokemon]

The trouble with fainting

As most know, it’s fairly common to fight until fainting when battling Pokemon. It’s very rare that Pokemon are killed in a fight, even when a trainer is fighting a wild Pokemon.

Pokemon seem to have a natural mental tick, preventing them from killing something outright if they don’t intend to eat it or their trainer doesn’t explicitly tell them to. The current reasons for this are unknown, but that isn’t what I’m here to discuss today.

What I would like to talk about is the recent crop of trainers who have popped up who attempt to catch fainted Pokemon. Now, this is a really, fantastically bad idea that a lot of people don’t talk about. There’s a lot of miscommunication, and not everyone has a researcher around to explain it to them. So I will do my civic duty and explain the science behind why trying to catch a fainted Pokemon is a bad idea.

Pokeballs

Pokeballs are an incredible invention. They transform living, physical creatures into energy, and back again the moment it’s necessary. This has been recorded as the exact same energy that Pokemon briefly become during the transition phase of evolution.

Whilst inside a Pokeball, a Pokemon sits in suspension. It has no need for food, water, sleep, or anything of the like. It has been recorded that Pokemon still have a sense of time while inside, and can even hear their trainers voices whilst inside the Pokeball. For many Pokemon, this is incredibly soothing

Each Pokeball has a small computer inside it. Nothing too powerful, but just strong enough to work with the electrical impulses a Pokemon is putting out. When a Pokeball is first used on a Pokemon, that computer makes a map of the Pokemon’s brain.

This map is to help sync the Pokeball with the Pokemon it holds. If it didn’t do this, that energy would just punch out the back of the Pokeball. When you fail to catch a Pokemon, it’s because either the sync did not happen fast enough, or the Pokemon sent out so many electrical impulses at once that it overloaded the Pokeball and destroyed it. This often occurs when the Pokemon is panicking, or angry, or just quite a powerful creature. It’s also why hurting, confusing, or otherwise inflicting status effects on the Pokemon makes capture easy. When they’re focusing on the pain or distracted away from being captured, it’s a lot easier for the Pokeball to get that initial reading without being overloaded.

Catching a fainted Pokemon

Now, some astute readers might be already wondering how fainting is bad when sleeping Pokemon can be caught without issue. If pain and unconsciousness are crucial to making capture easier, why would fainting have the opposite effect?

This is a common line of thought, and I’m not actually going to argue that catching fainted Pokemon is hard. It is actually the easiest way to catch a Pokemon. Unlike sleeping, forced unconsciousness through damage/trauma causes all higher brain functions to stop, meaning there is no chance of overloading the Pokeball.

And that’s actually part of the problem. When you catch a fainted Pokemon, the Pokeball cannot get an accurate reading. A Pokeball needs a balance of electrical impulses, so having none at all or far fewer than a conscious Pokemon should have causes lots of problems.

Pokeballs have another ingenious purpose. They make Pokemon like and listen to their new trainers. It's part of the circuitry, and it’s one of the reasons that electrical syncing is so important. Its not always perfect, and some Pokemon can hold a bit of resentment to their new owners, but they will at least follow given commands during a battle (The way badges play into this is a conversation for another day).

When that early imprint and that initial subservience circuitry tries to work on a forcibly unconscious Pokemon, it throws everything out of whack.

The results  [NSFW. Do not read if you are squeamish]

The most common effects are as shown:

Severe brain damage (highly common. Often a complete loss of many higher brain functions, which can be devastating for physic types)

No change in behavior (they will not identify you as master or trainer, and will still act like a wild Pokemon)

Malformation (when brought back out of their Pokeball, the ball might not disgorge all of the energy, leaving the Pokemon missing limbs, organs, and body parts)

Poke-etymological breakdown (a fairly tame side-effect compared to others on this list, but has an almost 100% chance of happening to Pokemon in this situation. The Pokemon become unable to vocalize. Not because they’ve lost a voice box, but because the part of their brain that deals with communication is just absent. This prevents them from communicating with mates, signaling their emotions, or even communicating in English as some psychic types are able to do)

Dsychelic Myrendedic Toresstion (This nasty affliction is named after the three professors to discover it, and commonly abbreviated to DMT. This most commonly affects females but has been known to affect males. Genderless Pokemon are believed to be immune, but tests are inconclusive. This will cause, over time, another version of that creature to grow out of the old Pokemon’s body like a tumor. A stantler was first discovered with this when a growth appeared on its left flank. After three months, that growth ripped the skin, revealing a baby stantler head. They were unable to remove the second body because it was already too heavily intertwined with the original nervous system. The stantler later died after its second bodies’ ribs punched through its heart.)

These are some truly horrific things to have happen to your new friends, and I would caution any and all trainers to avoid this at all costs.

Now I do have to admit that there is a way around this. The above symptoms are only what happens if you were to use a heal-station (the name of the machines found in the Pokemon center) to bring the fainted Pokemon back whilst it is still in its new Pokeball.

If you were to release the fainted creature and nurse it back to health with revives and potions, it would suffer none of the adverse effects listed above. However, that’s still a wild creature and it won’t go back into the Pokeball. So unless you plan to transport this creature for whatever reason, it’s better to just try and get them while they’re conscious.

[unitedtheorypokemon]

Entry #001, Glalie

This was originally supposed to be the topic on which I wrote my thesis for professorhood. Glalie's, and how they live in the wild. Of course, it didn't really pan out, but I'm sure some aspiring ice-type trainer would find this information rather useful.

Overview

Glalie are Apex predators, evolving from Snorunt at a very late period in the creature’s lifecycle. If you intend to breed Glalies, be mindful that it is a time-consuming process. As with many pokemon, they seem to age quicker with consistent fighting, but if you wished to let them grow on their own, it could take several years between birth and evolution. Because of their Ice typing and ability to fly, they primarily hunt ground pokemon. Glalie’s make their home in mountain-sides, making them difficult to find and study without some assistance.

Hunting

Like any pokemon, Glalie’s need to eat. As mentioned above, they are perfectly suited for hunting Ground types. However, far and away their favorite food is the Numel. The fire half of this ground/fire type should pose a problem for this Ice-type, but a surprise attack from a Glalie is often too much for the far slower Numel to react to.

A Glalie will swop down, raining blasts of ice on top of the slower animal. As mentioned, Numels don’t react very quickly, due to its Simple and Oblivious abilities. However, the stinging cold is more than enough to realize it's being attacked by an enemy it can’t see. It will react by firing a blast of fire upwards, in an attempt to hit the unknown intruder, which will thaw the ice the Glalie has wrapped around the Numels back. 

Sometimes the Glalie will catch a face-full of fire, but they are often skilled enough to evade this unaimed attack. This Glalie will come back around, firing its ice again until the Numels desperate attempts turn the ice into water. The relentless cold will cool the numel’s hump to the point that the creature dies from hypothermia. This process, with a mature Glalie and an average-sized Numel, takes an average of 13 minutes and 44 seconds.

Once the Numel is dead, the Glalie will then set to work on the Numel, breathing a mist over the creature, freezing the entire animal solid. Once its done, the Glalie will place the Numel upon its head, supported between its large horns, and take it back to its nest. Its here that the Glalie will use its large teeth to grind up the icey meat, consuming the Numel piece by piece.

A Glalie is able to eat the entire animal but is a rather slow eater. This gives it several days worth of food before it needs to hunt again.

Other prey

Glalie will also eat Trapinch, Geodudes, and Sandshrews, but Numels provide a very important vitamin to a Glalie diet that none of its other prey offer. Upon testing, it was found that Numels secrete a gunpowder-like substance. This same substance is found in the carapace around the Glalie, leading researchers like myself to believe that this is why Numels are preyed upon.

Glalie are not pack animals, often living isolated or in breeding pairs. However, if a few of them work together, they can take down a full-grown Camerupt. This is extremely dangerous, as while Camerupts in regular and mega form offer more food and necessary vitamins, they also burn far hotter. A Camerupt would have no trouble going toe-to-toe with one Glalie, either shrugging off the Glalie’s attacks or killing it outright. In order for a shuffle of Glalie’s to kill this enormous creature, they utilize dive-bombing and quick turns to confuse the massive creature, messing up its aim while the ice slowly does its work.

Because of their solitary nature, this kind of team-up is extremely rare. After observing Glalie’s for nearly two years, I have only seen this event occur three times. Each time, the Camerupt has been separated from the larger herd, and was already quite close to several Glalie nests. Even despite these often unfavorable circumstances, the first time I observed this, the Camerupt still managed to win the battle, killing twelve (12) Glalies and drastically reducing the Glalie population in that area.

Species relationship

As mentioned, Glalie’s don’t get along with each other. Pure ice types (aside from Vanilluxe) are solitary creatures. The leading theory is because of the sparseness of food, shelter, and safety in their chosen environment. Whatever the reason, Glalie are exemplars of this trait.

Glalie’s make small burrows within mountainsides, often piling up snow to disguise the entrance. This is to disguise it from Weavile’s and Sneasel’s, who will attempt to steal the food of a Glalie.

During the coldest two weeks of winter, Glalie’s will enter mating season. During this time, Glalie’s will send up beautiful shimmering displays of ice and hail above their nests, calling out to mates. This is primarily done by males, but some females will also attempt to attract mates this way.

Before mating season, Glalie’s will go into over-drive, trying to collect as much food as possible the week before. Some female Glalie’s may simply leave if they don’t think the male has collected enough food.

Once two Glalie’s meet and decide they’re a good match, they will proceed to mate. They will rarely stop for the entire two-week duration, producing as many eggs as possible in that limited time frame. After three or four mating seasons, most male Glalie’s are far too damaged to reproduce any further. 

Once the Glalie couple is done, the female will take some (often half) the eggs back to her nest, leaving the rest with the male. Most Glalie’s make between 1-4 eggs in this two week period.

After that, it’s a matter of raising the Snorunts using the huge stores of food. This can often put a strain on Glalie’s, which is why they will often wait a few years before participating in Mating season again. It would appear that their desire to mate is overridden once they’ve succeeded in mating.

Male/female differences [NSFW]

Glalie’s, like many bird pokemon, have cloacas affixed behind their bodies, tucked underneath armour. However, they’re also hermaphroditic. The males have larger penises on the underside of their bodies, often 7-9 inches in length, while females have a smaller 4-7 inch penis. The smaller genitals of the females are not nearly as potent, as much of the space is used for egg creation. Male Glalie’s cannot create eggs, so their genitals are able to grow larger and produce more sperm.

What this means is that males tend to have first pick during the mating season, while females who aren’t selected can simply fuck each other so the season isn’t wasted.

Aside from genitalia, male Glalie’s often have ridges and bumps along their horns, while female Glalie’s have smoother ones. A male Glalie’s horns are also slightly larger than their female counterparts, though not enough for most untrained people to notice.

Froslass

Froslass’s are the other half of this evolutionary line and are incredibly strange. They are exclusively female, can evolve from a Snorunt at any age by way of a dawn stone, and they have a distinctive ghost type. Not to mention their different, willowy forms as compared to the squat Snorunt and spherical Glalie. As a result of their bizarre evolutionary circumstances, they are uncommon in the wild. 

However rare they may be, the effect they have on Glalie’s is incredible. They lure out nearby Glalie’s, and seem to inspire mating season just by their presence. I believe it to be some kind of psychic signal, but I have not interacted with enough Froslass’s to definitively say.

Of course, once it’s finished mating with the Glalie’s, it seems as though the eggs simply appear around it. The Glalie’s, as if in a trance, carry the eggs back to their nests, leaving the Froslass to carry on its way.

I have only observed this once and was unable to capture any footage. How this Froslass came to these mountains, or how it evolved in the first place are still a mystery to me.

Closing thoughts

I have a lot of documentation on Glalie’s. Much of the data lines up with current Pokedex entries, but it’s not as if that thing’s ever been reliable enough to be taken as wrote. If anyone is further interested in Glalie’s, I will be off on another expedition in the coming months, so things you’d like tested are always welcome! Until next time!

[unitedtheorypokemon]

Welcome to the blog

Hello there. My name is David Tome. I am a Pokemon researcher. I have been working hard to try and become a professor, but that's not happening any time soon. Still, I am not without insight! Despite my lack of funding, my lack of help, my lack of qualifications, and lack of... a lot of things really. Even despite all that, I intend to explain all of pokemon! How they work, why they act as they do, and how the world we live in came to be! And that brings me to why I opened this blog! I intend to use the collective knowledge of not just my own brain, but the assitance of others. I may not be able to pay you to assist in my research, but I have been on enough poke-forums to know that the desire to correct someone is far more powerful than mere money. Now, this will have to do for my first entry, as my Electabuzz has nearly run out of charge for today. In the morning, he will be well rested, and the research sharing can begin!