univeristyblog

[univeristyblog]

lol

none of that made sense i apologies. 

Its July 6th 2019 

[univeristyblog]

y do i still think of him

im a couple months into my summer break. 

I thought moving away would take him off my mind. We dont live in the same building anymore. I dont see him. He doesnt talk to me. 

False hope. 

Why do  i have this iDeA in my head that were going to be together? 

He doesnt send me messages. 

This guy. I dont know what it is but it is frustrating. It will never work, we are too different. I like him ToO much and I dont even know him. 

I thought it was a false idea in my head until we talked on the phone. OnE time, we talked on the phone.

His voice turned me on. Hearing him through the phone made me want him more. 

Why. 

He still crosses my mind. 

Playlists about why i dont need him, posts about why i am so confused. 

I will leave. or he will leave. We dont talk. He doesnt check in on me. 

Will he when im back. 

I t w o n t w o r k . 

I keep telling myself that. 

I tell my Mom ill marry him and then i laugh. 

She laughs. 

I cry inside she doesnt know she laughs i hurt everyone laughs i hurt i wonder why i cant let go i wonder if i will ever be able to love i wonder if i will ever not hurt when will i let go with someone and just let them know me when will a guy come along that i want that is not him because i t w o n t w o r k. 

Candle lit in my room im tired i found a place to live i hope he likes it i hope he comes over i hope i see him i hope i hope i   h o p e 

I want a career. I want me. I want  to j ust want m e 

I dont want to want i dont want desire what is wanting when i always want not to want 

if i could live the rest of my life n e v er feeling emotions again i would i want to not want i want to work. 

my Ears start ringing. Is he thinking about me too? 

They stop.

I dont want to want. I want to live - but i dont want to want to live, just live. 

It doesnt make sense in my brain either. 

I want to fuck him. I want him to hold my hands behind my head and ask me how much i like it. 

I want him to shove his fingers down my throat starting with the shortest one to see what i can handle only to add more once he realizes i can take it. 

I want him to look at my mouth, watch my lips as they close around whatever he wants to put in my mouth. I want him to slap me and tell me he’s sorry but he has to do it. 

I want him to sing to me and tell me how pretty i am. 

I want him to shove his dick down my throat. its too hard. 

Will life ever get easier 

Its too hard 

I want him to shower behind the glass door. 

I want him to f u c k me and take pictures of our shadow. 

I want him to want me in every way. 

I want him to see me and think how the fuck did i get her? How the fuck did i pull this fuck. 

 I want him to see me and wonder what i look like downon my knees in front of him begging. 

But not desperate begging, sexy begging, i wznt it bad begging. Wet begging.

i want him to pick me up like he did the first time. 

He picked me up like i weighed nothing. I was nervous. He did not care. 

He did what he wanted. It hurt. A few times it hurt. I bled. for the next two weeks the pain from everytime i sat down made me think of him. 

He left a mark . 

He fuck ed 

Im in a weird mood. I lit a candle and turned off all the lights. Im in over my head. im scared. somuchgoingon. Where is my brain when i need it . 

Why Do I FeEl

I dont understand that. 

I ask my brain not to feel. I feel more. I ask my brain to feel more when i forget how to feel. I feel to much. Nothing make s sense. 

I drive down the road with a scene i am so painfully accustomed to that i forget sometimes to QuEsTioN. 

I drive in this bubble that moves to get around inside this larger bubble that moves to but i cant feel it move and i dont move with it and theres things to keep my mind present. Things that make everything seem real when really we could all see different things and say different words and n o one would ever know its all a game. My phone lit up better check. must check. 

I need to be part of social activity need to be a social being its human nature i must do what i am set out to do right how could i not i forget what im doing with my time i should know

Time Does Run Out After All 

I want him to LoVE me i want him to hold me in my bed and ask me about things that make me vulnerable i want to be vulnerable i want him to break my heart so i can understand better how to stop it next time

Im fucked if he doesnt break my heart. SOMEone break my heart. 

I want to fuck him. Like really fuck him. Like not have to think  about who might hear us or what hurts or whats not what i want i want to just forget and fuck him like crazy. 

I want to show him that side but i want him to leave 

And i want him to love me but not for too long just long enough for it to hurt. 

Maybe im fucked up i want to fuck him.