unsaidlettersneversent

[unsaidlettersneversent]

to my first love,

perhaps putting out energy into this world, in the form of a letter to you, was not a good idea. you are back. you came back with a simple 'hi' and a smile, on my birthday too. it was...jarring.

speaking to you was...bizarre. it felt like you have changed a lot, but not at all, at the same time. i missed you. i missed you so much. i dreamt of you, and dreamt of what we could have been. but now that you're here, it feels wrong.

you deserve to have a better version of the girl you fell in love with. the one with kind eyes, ambitious plans and jokes that made you choke with laughter. you deserve that girl, who grew to have achieved all her ambitions and kept all her charm and wit. same humour and same eyes.

i am not what you had in mind. but you don't know it yet. you still think that behind the dazzling instagram pictures is still the girl you fell for, just grown up- refined. instead, there's me. anxious, tired, broken, and harsh. i'm holding on by a thread, and i dont think you'll know how to love me.

i love you. always have and always will. but i dont think ill be good for you, when im not even good for me. i think its time to let me go, my darling. i am sorry i could not be what you need.

[unsaidlettersneversent]

it's all coming undone. i spent so much of my time putting together this new life, with my own two hands. i worked as hard as possible, i gave it my all and more. and it's all coming undone.

im holding on to the broken pieces with my own two hands. the same hands that made this new life. the same hands that created life. they dont create anymore- they only know how to break. it's all coming undone.

[unsaidlettersneversent]

to my first love,

i miss you. i didn't know growing up after you meant growing away from you. everyday, i take another step towards my future. i am very independent now, and im pretty content.

but i can't lie. every once in a while, i think of you. i think of your shy smile. i think of your smirk. i think of you leaning back against your chair, and observing me, as i talk about something absolutely mediocre. i think of you, walking into the library on your day off, just to keep me company as i study.

more than that, i think of how you loved me. your gentle smiles when i smiled at you, and your scoffs when i made the worst joke possible. i live in a different city now. moving away made me realise how much i think of you as home. i found home in your shy gentleness. i found home in your relentless love.

sometimes, i think i made a mistake. i was so desperate to prove that i was self-sufficient, that i didn't need no one, i forgot how much i loved being taken care of by you. in my stubbornness, i misunderstood you. when you were insistent on taking care of me, i thought you didn't believe in me. you didn't believe i could take care of myself, that i could handle it. you wanted to step in, not because you didn't believe in me, but because you wanted to ease the load on me. and im sorry.

you loved me, better than anybody else, more than i could ever imagine. you didn't give up on me, ever. you accepted me for who i am- an absolute mess determined to stand on her own. and you stuck around, for as long as i let you. you stuck around, for as long as you could.

im sorry i left. im sorry i didn't try hard enough. im sorry i didn't see you behind my clouded misery. im sorry i didn't let you in. you were enough, and you were everything. i think that scared me. i was scared of how much you meant, and how much more you could have meant. instead of clinging on, i let go in my fear.

you'll be surprised to see me now. im very different. longer hair, softer smiles, but still just as stubborn. i let love in now. i don't push people away. if you met me now, i think i could treat you better. i know how to be gentle, and i know how to be loved. i wish you had met me now.

if, by some miracle, our paths cross again, i will let you in this time. ill let you take care of me, and ill take care of you. and if we never see each other again, i hope you find someone who knows how to love and be loved.

sincerely, a part of someone who will always be yours.