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[unsentnotes]

i know what i feel.

24 October 2023 at 12:45 am.

i feel so intensely to lots of things nowadays, recently, i've been reacting very intensely to minor things / conflicts.

I've done a lot of thinking and pondering over my traumas, i went down memory lane and really thought about how i was acting and why i get triggered. I remembered why, and i thought of how everything is connected to traumas of dad, adam, men, arran, no mum, raising myself, nobody being there. So i'm there now aware that when way i'm feeling about feeling trapped as a kid so i'm now reliving that memory of me being trapped as a kid. I feel the same terror in my bones, my heart beats fast, fear just rapes me and i'm there helpless. That then triggers me about arran, then now i relive that feeling of shame and

I've become so self aware. i can now identify what and why im being triggered in a situation, but i'm not used to these memories cropping up again, i wasn't ready to be placed in that memory, i can't handle it yet. i've only just fully processed those traumas and what lasting errors it has on me today. It's fresh, it's a raw and sore wound. Now this conflict has placed me in this position again, and the wound widened and cut deeper. And now another situation and my reaction and feelings lead me to link it to another trauma response / why i respond like i do. it cycles.

i'm not mentally ready for anything yet, i've got a lot of things i need to think through and find out on my own. I need to have time for myself to just mourn the loss of my girlhood, to properly give that broken girl a goodbye like never before.

i feel so raw in that moment, the young jenny within me finally able to cry out, she can finally live and feel the emotions she never got to experience then. And i exit that situation just defeated, exhausted.

i'm so burntout from mentally fighting and arguing. i just can't deal with it right now, i used to be able to control my emotions but now, i don't wanna feel restrained anymore

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18 october 2023 at 12:59 am

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what do i want robbie?

18 OCTOBER 2023 AT 12:20 AM

i want to feel safe and loved and secure. I want to be loved and be cared for, i want someone to be there for me when i need them and for them to understand how i feel and understand that i don't mean harm. I want someone who will help me grow and teach me and lend me a hand during the difficult times. I want someone who wants to place equal effort and trust into our relationship, i need communication and respect as a natural given and understanding. I want to tell someone about my day and not have to think whether it's something questionable i've done or be worried "have i mentioned this person before" or feel weird or event feel any type of way to even mentioning a friend, i wanna hear about their day and their life, their shortcomings and their achievements. I wanna know everything they have to offer, to be delicate with them and cherish their memories with them. i need someone else to help me understand myself. i need someone who is kind and nurturing.

I don't need negativity or hostility when met or faced with an issue. i've dealt with so much of that as a kid. I don't need it as a grown adult. Having an issue and solving it doesn't have ti be negative or be met with aggression or rudeness. It can be solved by talking and understanding and at least some acknowledgment, even saying "i understand how i've made you felt, i'm sorry, it wasn't my intention. can we talk about how i can help prevent this." or even "I didn't realise that the way i reacted was unhelpful to you at the time, i now see how it's upset you, can i apologise and hear you out?"

I need emotional availability and emotional maturity. I don't deserve to feel like i'm just some feeling that you don't know what to do with so you're just gonna carry on like normal until something sticks. We are grown, we aren't teens anymore, the things we do now and the things we feel affect us now. There is no more uni flings and teenage shagging about under the pretence that we're young and wild. We still are but what we do has more emotional impact, we're technically adults. What the fuck are we doing fucking around like this with no certainty, no real promise of commitment or a thought about the future.

I just need someone to be on the same team as me, we're all working towards a goal, one where we are happy and content snd we don't have stress caused by one another.

Most of it is me projecting and becoming a little kid again. I revert back to a child when conflicts arrise, i don't know what to do, i am so unbelievably apologetic and i am genuinely so sorry, and i don't know what to say or do apart from plead and beg until the primal fear of being abused goes away, mental or physical. I do sometimes live in my own little bubble, i sometimes don't think, so caught up in not doing whatver the fuck i did around adam. Yeah i'm not worth him, i'm with you and idk what it is, but i get this anxiety and big fear with texting like,,, i hate it, being chained to someone who constantly has my attention. You're always on my mind, it's unhealthy, and when im with other people i hate being on my phone, i hate looking at it and being distracted. The amount of present times i've not been present at? I'm hanging with a friend, i think it's understandable and easy to clock that im now talking and chatting to them and not gonna be rude and on my phone texting someone else constantly. It's not a you thing. It's anyone. I don't hold long convos over text, i hate that

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13 october 2023 at 8:34 pm

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it's time like this

8 october 2023 at 9:22 pm.

after the storm. after regulating and reflecting. letting go of the hurt. i feel serine.

i cry and i wail like a child. my inner child crying out all the emotions that i wasn't allowed to show all those times in the past. i let it all out, i let myself feel defeat, let myself bask in the physical pain of raw emotion that i never let myself feel.

and it felt great, so good to let it out and stand outside and sniffling and dribbling in the sun and a cup of tea.

and then zen,,, i reflect and i type all my feelings out, i think and i recall and i recognise the triggers and the traumas and remind myself that i'm not in that place anymore. I need to remind myself that i am stronger and that i am safe with people i trust and love and care for me. To not hurt others and react in a way that is unfair bc if my traumas.

I reflect and i love. And i am sorry and i am calm. and i am present in the moment.

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i dont think u love me the way that i love u.

6 October 2023 at 1:07am.

"you make me feel what "home" would feel like"

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please dont put the fault of things out of our control to me,

21 September 2023 at 2:10 am.

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Paras left forgotten.

18 september 2023 at 8:47 am.

i love u robbie, genuinly do have so much love and affection and admiration towards you, and ik that you sometimes u don't know what u rlly want and that's okay, ik u wanna just have fun and do your thing and that's genuinely okay. im always here to support you and your journey for being just robbie who wants to pay games and have fun and live life. i want you to be happy.

I just don't wanna feel like i'm just someone else that you fuck, or just another girl that you know u have a hold over bc of how good you fuck her (you don't make me feel like this btw, im just scared that i'll end up like this, and i'm scared i won't be able to be vulnerable again, but that's my insecurity i suppose).

I'm not iffy over you having sexual experiences and encounters with other people, i know how u are robbie and ik there's a lot more for you out there to explore and figure out. I just want you to be more truthful and honest and open with me, you know i'm not a jealous person or someone who is largely insecure,ni want us to just be so calm with each other that we can come to each other for anything and not worry about shit. like the other month, when u messaged me about not knowing where u were, you cannot believe how relieved i was to know you let me know and i could talk to you at least some point during it. I wasn't angry or mad or upset or pitying u or any bs like that, I wanted my robbie to know he's got me and to know that my mf robbie is gonna get somewhere safe snd feel safe, loved and warm, and to feel like you don't have to be around that anymore. I was so happy you could talk to me about it, and i didn't need to know exactly what was going on or need to know the specifics of who, what they looked like, how they were with you, i wanted to know if you were physically okay, to support you mentally and spiritually and never in my life had i wished teleportation was a thing, just to lay down with you and hold u close. to help make you feel safe and secure, just like how you always make me feel when u hold me. God to think that you'd be going thru something like that and not being able to tell me?

at clissold when i asked you, ik you're prolly not fucking in the way i suggest ur fucking, but by outright sayinf you haven't done anything with anyone since lora is just kinda an insult to my knowledge of you n my intelligence. i know you have had sex with other people since lora, it's not a personal thing to me, ik you like to feel validated that way, that's how u cope, it's just how u fuck? i was merely concerned for my sexual health tbh. i like to probe and tease u and wind u up bc you are doing something, not in a "ur guilty" way, but more in a "ik ur trying to hide stuff but u can't keep a straight face hehehe let's watch u squirm" way,,, which is prolly like not great for u but i'm not mad, i just want u to open up to me and chat shit about everything like we used to. i'm not saying you just straight up tell me when shit happens lmaoooo but it's just like, it feels like ur cheating or something when u hide it, like you know ur doing something wrong- but you haven't bc we're not together anymore. but bc ur hiding it, it makes it all complicated, like idk what u want from me.

it makes me feel weird knowing that you're hiding stuff from me, for the first time ever ur hiding stuff from me like u used to hide stuff from anabella. Through our whole relationship i used to feel pity for her, for what she went through how she still clings on and hopes. I fucking hated it when people confused me for her. I hated the way they looked at me, do you ever notice how the difference between the way their eyes shift and their body language shift. I do. Pity, sympathy, a fake "oh how have you been, it's been so long". Always got me fuming inside. Firstly, ignorant cunts, secondly how dare they act like that towards "anabella", fake smiles and a pitiful look. i used to be so vexed at how the eyes would flick back between you and me, questioning why anabella would go back. And then they'd realise i'm someone else, and then they think that i don't know that you cheated, or some bs.

and i was always so fucking proud and glad that you never even made me feel like you were cheating and how that never crossed my mind once bc i knew how i made you feel and i could feel that loyalty and respect and admiration from you. You cheating was never a concern for me, not once. You weren't able to do that to me. because for some reason i was different and we understood each other in a way nobody else did. i felt proud to know that ur friends also knew that you weren't like that anymore, i was rlly proud that u could grow and develop and get past that.

but now, like, the reason i might seem like im iffy with the whole anabella thing is bc i know you don't know what to do with her. Now she's back, now she's actually here physically near you and that special bond u both have has reopened, i feel your uncertainty creep back up again. and now ur hiding stuff from me about her, the same way you're hiding me from her too.

and i'm scared i'm gnna be played like a fool and im scared all you're friends will pity me bc everyone else seems to know what's going on and i only have an inkling and it's just like. I'm not anabella, i refuse to be. I refuse to be looked down at with those pitiful eyes but this time they know im Jen.

I don't wanna be part of this whole fuckery thing, i don't wanna feel like a peice in your harem of girls who are all unaware of what's going on. i don't actually want to feel like another peice of fuckmeat you'll rawdog and manhandle among the other girls you raw dog and fuck in the same way. cum, over everything else.

the thought of you and lora fucking haunts me. the way you would've been during the breakup, the way she would've been, who made the first move, who touched who first, was there ever a moment where either of you thought it was gonna be a good idea? the way you both hid it from jaz and polly knowing that it's taboo at the time wouldve been hot to hide, i know you would've loved her skinny body and her tattoos, loved the way you could hold onto her waist and the way she'd respond to you, the fact you would've been rough and harsh with her too fucking your all into her like you have something to prove, fucked off of mcat and dizz and the feelings of anger of a breakup. The dirty things you'd say to her while she sucks you off, you'd love the way her makeup smudges all over her face and how she'd get embarrassed and whine your name. You would've loved it when jaz called you asking where you were, telling lora to be quiet, hand over her mouth as u fuck her, ur voice calm and controlled, texting jaz apologising it would be sus whike u fucked her ex bitch raw.You would've loved the fact you could dick her down better than anyone else at the time could.

idk where i went with that. i didn't mean to. they're just thoughts i have and sometimes need to remind myself that you really did that, with my friend. An actual friend, in front of your other friend. And i have to remind myself that you can get to a point where you truly do not care about anything else around you. Object perminance. But i have to remind myself that you're just a boy who wants to play games and wants to feel loved and seen and heard and you're doing that in the only way you know how.

I don't really care who you have sexual encounters with as long as you don't play me like that ever again. Don't lie to me robbie, because i know you. You can keep things from me, that's okay bc sometimes it's not my businesses, but don't lie to me. Don't disrespect our friendship and our relationship and the bond we share, don't play me for a fool. I am not a fool. I am not Anabella. I am not just another body. I am gubby and you know what my worth is, you know what i deserve, so don't stoop any lower when it comes to me.

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14 August 2023at 9: 44am.

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12 August 2023 at 1:29am.

"either way people do have two sides to them,"

"eggs or girl"

-upon reflection, i was probably balls high

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22 July 2023 at 11:34 am.

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councelling things to remind myself

20 july 2023 at 1:48 pm.

"He is a gaslighter. Period." - professional academic wellbeing counsellor, Jackie.

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things to discuss?

11 July 2023 at 10:24 am.

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12 June 2023 at 1:34 am.

"you threatened to cheat on me. you're capable of that."

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i feel so

4 October 2022 at 5:30pm.

"unsupported. discarded."

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meow s

29 march 2023 at 3:00 pm

we were taking the same bus to somewhere or leaving the same place and he was there, back home. We weren't chatting like everything was normal and friend but there was a bit of hurt or something needed to be said while we walked. I went into my bag and got soemthing out and gave it to him, returning something back to him but nicely (i think). He then got out his keys and took off the little chick keyring and gave it back to me and i teared up a bit, thinking he was giving everything back. I remembered wanting to ask where it had been since i didn't see it anywhere but then he went into his bag and pulled out some plushies. A few sanrio ones, just kept pulling some out and giving it to me, saying these were things he thought of and got me when he was in japan but only now could do it . there were some flowers too. i put it into my bag and held some and we had to depart ways.

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what have i found?

22 March 2023 at 4:38 pm. freewrite for lizzy

I have found moments if content-ness, i find them in times where i don't have university or work, and i can relax, in those moments just after a shift or a lesson, im glad i've done it. The relief is usually a moment of content, like, "okay i've done work and it's going to contribute to something in the future" i can be happy. I also found what i'm searching for in moments with friends, just talking and hanging out with them and being surrounded by people i love. It's a great feeling beinf surrounded by friends and you can just be yourself and talk about anything and everything, the conversations flow easily. I find it often when i sit back in a group with friends, and simply watch and listen, and just be happy with them and enjoy myself.

In my past freewrite i talked about things like attention and validation, i guess i spoke about how i've found those things without the need to search for them too. It's like my friend group fulfil those needs so effortlessly and i feel their love so i'm not searching for it. I've found that i can find this feeling through people that i love and it makes me glad that i know i can find it in the future forever.