untieddiamond-blog

[untieddiamond-blog]

Daddies Girl

*Why me!? So around the age of 16. Oh man 16 was a horrible year for me, after I got jumped and turns out a teacher was involved, mom decided to home school me and baby brother, so I was able to get a day time job at tropical smoothie. Tropical smoothie was on the same route to dads job at the time, MWI, a warehouse for animal pharmaceuticals. My work schedule was 10am until 3 everyday. At times, most times dad would take me to work. Can you imagine being cussed out literally from out your sleep all the way to work. The rides to work was an anxiety attack alone. Most times I would walk into work with tears in my eyes cause he would literally cuss me out the whole 15 to 20 mins ride. And it can be about something so little, for example leaving the bathroom or hallway light on. This was every single day! When it was time to be home, I would just try my best to avoid him as much as possible, just so I wouldn’t get yelled at any more, or cursed out. Sometimes I feel like he would curse me out just because he was bored at times, or him and mom had an argument and he didn’t have no one else to lash out on, I always tried to defend myself in certain situations and arguments, but because he’s “dad” he had a power trip issue and would over power me, so I would just shut down and cry. Then at times when I did start to cry he would just call me a cry baby or “I’m always crying “, “There she go bout to start crying again” the same hurtful Antagonizing things he would do to my sister he was now doing to me, so I stared to realize and understand her hurt and anger. Back to the arguments with mom. Now mom, she is more the king of the castle if you know what I mean, what she says goes and no one and nothing is going to change that. so in other words wether my dad wants to admit it or not, she ran shit, she wore the pants in the relationship. So whenever they got into it, because he knew he couldn’t win with her, he came to me to unleash his anger, that goes back to me being a punching bag. This one particular day he was taking me to work, and he was just laying into my ass. I can’t clearly remember why, but this was the worst cuss out yet, that i do remember. While he was just yelling and cussing about whatever it was about, I remember just asking myself why does he hate me so much!? That’s how he made me felt, like he hated me. It got so bad that he literally dropped me off at the intersection of the shopping plaza and told me to walk my ass to work. I did so, in tears. I felt so hurt. How can he treat me like this?! Someone I loved so much! Looked up to? How? What did I do to him? Does he even love me? Why does he treat baby brother with love and me with hate? So many questions ran in my head, including if he was cheating on mom. I’ll get back to that. Being I was home schooled i really didn’t have to many “friends” only but 2 that I could really talk to, but they had they’re own lives. In high school and also working, so I barley seen them. But I did have a friend by the name of skills, he was way older then me. Maybe by 5 years, but I never been the type to vibe with folk my age. Always people older. Anyway, He didn’t live to far from my job. Skillz knew everything that had been going on between my dad and I. Skillz made me feel like I was able to talk to him about anything. He was a great friend to me. I called him, I was crying so bad and just over all so upset that I didn’t even go into work. Skillz asked me where I was and he came to pick me up. We sat and just talked. That’s what I needed, Somone to just listen to me. This is my favorite bitter sweet memory of skillz because shortly after skillz pasted away. That hurt me really bad. He was one of my closest friends. And now he’s gone. The bullshit rides home kept going on for a while until I just decided to take the bus to work for now on. At this time I was very clear to mom about how I started to feel towards dad, then I asked her, “mom do you ever just think dad is cheating on you?” She looked at me very confused and worried, “what made you ask that?” She asked, “well just because he’s never home, he always finds way to argue with you just because, then finds reasons to leave the house, anytime he’s on the phone he walks out the door, he just acts really weird.” Mom once told me that after we had that conversation is when she started to “Dig” because she felt as if though he was moving so sloppy that the kids was able to tell something wasn’t right and it was time to do something about it. Sure enough not even a couple weekends later, my dad and his band had a concert to go to in Delaware, mom always went with him to any of his dj gigs, or band gigs. But as if recently he started to express to her she didn’t have to go every where he went. To her that was odd, she ALWAYS went with him. But nope, not this day, of course he Manipulated the situation of her not going, finding every and any excuse for her not to come, even said that he didn’t feel comfortable Having his wife sleep in a hotel room with another man (One of the other group members) Eventually she just gave up and said fuck it. She didn’t go, I was happy because for one weekend he wasn’t going to be at the house so I knew in the tension in the vibe in house was going to be good, And guess what it sure was. Peaceful. He barley called her that night, and when she finally got in contact with him he rushed her off the phone and gave her some lame excuse. But my mom is so gangsta with it. She let it ride out. Her motto is Whatever is done in the dark always comes to light. And it didn’t take long before shit hit the fan.

[untieddiamond-blog]

Daddies Girl

My parents use to always tell me stories about when I was younger I use to wait up for my dad to watch wresting with him, and I would get super excited whenever he came home with some snacks ready to break night with him. From what I can remember as a child, my dad has always been my go to. You know as a child you are so innocent and barley know right from wrong. My dad to me anyway was a super dad; you know the kind you see on TV. It wasn’t long until that changed though.

 *between ages 6-12

 I never understood why my father was so mean to my sister all the time, I knew she didn’t like him very much, but it was always because she was getting in trouble all the time, she lied all the time, she snuck out all the time, but then again, he never really let her do shit. So what would any normal teenager do? Exactly does it behind their parents back. I remember what it seem like every night he would cuss her out so bad like she was a bitch from the street. This one time she got caught by a family member talking to a GROWN ASS MAN, she however was only 16 at the time. You can only imagine the amount of trouble she got into.  At times I felt really bad for her, and at other times I didn’t. She was so mean to me ALL THE TIME, I was her punching bag. Who else was she going to take her anger out on? Not him, not my mother and most dainty not my 3 year old baby brother. So now I get it. I do. She finally got tired of his shit and got her shit together and off to college she went. Personally, that was the best thing she could have done. I don’t blame her.  But this isn’t about her, back to him.

 *When shit got real

 I ember like yesterday, It was my very first time going to a physiatrist, we talked about so much. She asked me what made me sad or made me cry and different things in that nature. After the visit was over, she diagnosed me with manic depression. At 13 years old wtf is that!? I came home that evening he asked my mom how my appointment went, she responded, “they diagnosed her with depression.”  His response was, “DEPRESSION?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DEPRESSED ABOUT?” I think this is the day I started to look at him every different. He asked me very aggressively, but worried at the same time, “what are you depressed about??”  “YOU” was my response. After that day nothing was ever the same

    My sister was back home from college, if I can remember she was taking a break or something, anyway, I was in about 6th grade, I was always getting into fights (not my fought, I was highly bullied in school) close to the end of the school year mainly, my sister and a high school friend of hers deceived to stop by my school to talk to some of the students. A former teacher of hers, Ms. Carealot to be exact, told my sister she “heard rumors about me”, I was sneaking out of class to meet boys, some of the students heard I was sucking dick in the bathroom, oh here’s the best one, I WAS PREGNANT! Ha-ha. Pregnant, sucking dick in 6th grade, 11- 12 years old. But for whatever reason she felt the need to go to my dad and tell him. Little did I know some of the girls in 7 and 8th grade had plans to jump me after school, one of the mentors there got word and kept me after school? Only until the school yard was clear for me to walk home, to my surprise while walking home, guess who pulls up to the light and is cussing me out from the car. He was literally making a scene and told me to get the fuck in the car. I thought maybe I was in for staying late after school. But he didn’t give me any time to explain. We only live 2 minutes away from the school, it was a summer day and everyone is outside chilling on their porches and kids are playing. But of course has still yelling at me and making a scene and told me to go the fuck to my room. I was so scared; I didn’t know what I did or why he was yelling at me. Maybe 3 minutes later, he storms in my room and whooped my ass like he never did, oh yea WITH THE BELT. I had welps and bruises all over my body, shortly after my mom came to comfort me and then gave me details on why I got beat in the first place. I was livid that I got beat so bad over a lie my sister and a teacher made up! At this point I started to grow hate for my sister as well, I started to think maybe this was her way to pay me back. *The Next Day*

 I got ready for bed. Begging of June. I was still very pissed off from the day before. I was ready to release all my anger and hate. Around lunch time. My best friend pulled me to the side to warn me that the girls in her classroom were still planning to jump me after school. I was ready. It seem like time was growing slower by the minute. He took my phone the day prior, so my cousin, who picked me up from school every day couldn’t confirm with me that she wasn’t going to be able to pick me up that day. Finally I got tired of waiting for her, I picked my brother up from his gate and off we started to walk home. Half way home I realized the whole school was behind me. At this time I knew I had to put my big girl panties on and fight my battle. In the middle of getting jump by 6 or 7 girls the only person who tried to help me and jump in was my 6 year old baby brother!  Aint that some shit!  Some “friends” I had. I went home and let out all my hurt and I cried and cried. That’s all I was able to do! And guess who was there to comfort me? Mom.  I was still upset from the day before, and now at the fact of being jump, and to be honest I blamed him for everything. Oh yea, can you believe that bitch Ms.Caralot was behind all of that? So here I was not only being bullied and attacked physically and mentally at school, but at home as well. The only person I ever really had in my corner was my mom. Speaking about mom. That brings me to my next chapter.