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[untold-love-notes]

Why do I feel 100% committed one second and the next second I feel like I’m ... being played. Like I’m a fucking moron. Like he’d rather give his time to some fucking strangers. Like I’m being lied to. Like I’m a fucking nobody. What’s wrong w me? Am I not good enough to play with? What’s wrong w me?!!!

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[untold-love-notes]

Soooo if somebody could please come stab me in my fucking chest bc that’d feel better than how the fuck I feel right now. Dear future self, DO NOT under no circumstances fall in love with somebody unavailable and who doesn’t fucking even like you. adifj;adifj;sij;aif I feel like crying. Okay, I am crying. All I wanna do is cry. All I wanna do is talk to him 24/7 and he doesn’t feel the same. He’d rather talk to a bunch of strangers and get off on that and helpppppppppppppppp them get off and that’s totally fine. It’s probably bc I’m the ugliest fattest nastiest bitch on the entire fucking planet, and that’s fucking fine. I don’t need him for anything. I’m attached to him, yeah okay, but I can become quite quickly detached. Just like everybodyfuckingelse in my goddamn life. How I feel for him.. i’ve never felt this in my entire likfe. well guess what? my life is young. I’m young and I don’t even belong on this fucking planet to begin with. Will wohoever the fuck left me here just come back and get me!!! COME GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I CAN’T HANDLE ANOTHER FUCKING DAY HERE!!! CAN YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!!!! I feel too much. I feel so much and it’s eating me alIVEEEEEEEE. I can no longer do thhis. I’m at my fucking limit. It doesn’t matter how you treat people, how you treat these fucking human s, they wil never care about anbody but their goddamn selvESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssssssss. i hate my life. my life sucks 

[untold-love-notes]

Sunday 02/10/19

2:07 p.m. 

4:53 p.m.

I got distracted so I didn’t post anything at 2pm. Now, I’m trying to distract myself from being a negative wreck. I feel like I can’t trust my thoughts with anybody online, but Daddy. I can’t really talk to Daddy right now. I’ve said too much. I feel like I’m too much for him. I got way too jealous. I am way too jealous. I don’t have a sexual relationship with him like I once had. I’m jealous of his fun with his followers. I’ve asked him if I still make him feel good, he said I do, but I think I make him feel good in a different way. A way that is just different. I don’t know what kind of way, to be honest. I feel like I’ve shown too much of myself and now he doesn’t find me attractive. I’m old, I’m fat. I’m not the definition of what it means to be a Princess or a fucktoy. I’m just me. It’s fun to have those types of girls. I’m just not one of them. I can learn to accept that, right? I mean, I don’t know. The things I do know is that I love him. He makes me happy. He helps me. He makes me feel alive. And I just need to concentrate on those happy parts. I can’t sink into my Lilith. She’ll eat me alive. My emotions will eat me alive. So, I’m just going to seriously stay away from what causes that emotion. It’s a shame, but I need to stay away from his blog and his followers. It’s too much right now to handle. Sometimes it’s decent, but when it’s happening in the moment. I just can’t look at it. I can’t believe I’m feeling this way. I hate that I’m feeling this way. Jealousy is so fucking ugly. I wish I could just throw it up. But I can’t. So. When I feel this way, I’m going to make a pact with myself to either get schoolwork done, or exercise. I nearly went on a candy bar craze last night, but I refrained from doing so, thank fucking gawd. I would’ve regretted it. I feel like doing it now, too, actually. But, I probably won’t. Sounds promising, eh? I figured I’d vent to you, bc it’s about time we become each others friend. You’re going to be with me until you die. I need to learn how to make room in my heart to love you, as well. I wish I could tell him that I love him. He doesn’t want to hear it, at all. I don’t know why. He doesn’t have to say it back. It’s ludicrous. Probably bc I’m ludicrous. Haha. I think that’s all the venting for now. More than likely, I’ll be back momentarily, bc this has been very difficult for me. Bc of this lets me know how much I truly do love him and that fucking terrifies me. A basically stranger has this much control over me. It scares the fuck out of me. I have no idea what I’m doing with him. I’m fucking crazy, I am fucking crazy. Bat shit crazy. And I’m even more crazy to think that he could possibly feel the same for me. He drives me infuckingsane!!!!

[untold-love-notes]

12/20/18 1:53 a.m.

All I think of is Daddy ♥️ he’s the very first person I think of when I wake up, & he’s the very first person I think of before I fall asleep. He’s the first person I get excited to tell any news to. I absolutely love him being in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever truly known what love is, until he sorta showed me. Maybe not showed, but he pulled it out of me. I’ve never loved anyone how I love him. Whatever him & I have is.. so special. It’s even more special bc I feel him. I know I’m not going mad. What I feel is real. I love him, and I know he loves me. I just know it. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m eager to find out. I can’t wait for the day that I get to meet the love of my life. I know I’ll meet him. I can feel it. I think I’ve loved him before. I can feel it. The first time I saw his face in this life.. he was perfect, and comfortably familiar. I just remember thinking, ‘...there he is.’ Gawd what I would give to hold him and kiss him.

[untold-love-notes]

Him. All I think of is him when I read this. No, he doesn’t love me, so he says, so he wants to believe, but I feel love from him; I used to feel love from him. It peeks every so often, but he’s pulled it away from me, whether or not he wants to admit that.

What he’s doing right now feels all too familiar. It’s happened before. He gets swept up with his blog, purposefully, & I get left behind, purposefully. Then he won’t respond to me. Then he fades away. He becomes a distant memory; that guy I used to know. Then I fall into a depression; a breakdown, of you will. I’ll be sad, but I will not fall down that hole again. I will not cut all my hair off. I will not gain 100lbs. I will not let him ruin me. For I am worth more than that. For I deserve better than that. I’d just like to know why. Why does he do this to me? Hot/cold me like that. I wish I just knew.

[untold-love-notes]

Wednesday October 31, 2018

12:56 a.m.

There’s a wildfire in my chest. So many flames. I can barely breathe. I feel like curling up into a ball at his feet on my knees & I literally feel like worshipping every bit of his amazing body. I can almost feel my body reaching climax when I think of spending time on his body. It’s the best feeling on Earth. How can I be satisfied with sexting other ppl, when I feel so much more with thoughts of him? I was getting a bit turned on earlier by a follower, but it doesn’t compare at all to how I feel when I think of Daddy. He’s my fucking world. I want to know his thoughts. His genuine thoughts. I want to know them. Does he really not like me telling him that I love him ? He doesn’t want me doing it for a reason & I want to know the reason. He said it doesn’t make him feel uncomfortable, but he asked me not to say it. It’s got to be 1 of 3 reasons, or more than one. 1. He feels guilt bc his wife (he has said that never really feels guilt, so it can’t be this) 2. He feels things even more than I do & maybe he can’t handle it. Bc although it feels good, it still hurts. It hurts bc we’re not together. It hurts bc we’re so far away from one another. Or 3. I kinda forgot. I need to think for a moment. Okay, 3. He idk. I forgot. I want to say he doesn’t feel the same, but I know he does. I feel it. I don’t care what he told me, I can feel it. He shows me. That night he gave me the silent treatment, he messaged me at 5:30am asking if I got any sleep. Then he asked how I was feeling. That’s love. He showed me that he cares about me. He’s a Scorpio. He doesn’t talk to many ppl. He doesn’t talk much, to begin with. Scorpios supposedly show they love a person by giving them their time. He gives me so much time. All the time. He gives me more time than my husband. He listens to me. Even when I’m ranting about stupid shit. I think I’m going to have to go to his area. Alone.

[untold-love-notes]

Tuesday October 30, 2018

11:14 a.m.

I know I’m not supposed to tell him the l word & I know I’m not supposed to literally go crazy over him but.. fuck me 😩😩😩😩😩 I’m fucking dying. I’m like, either getting close to that point or I’m at that point to where... I need to physically feel him. I want to choke on his cock. I want his cum so deep inside of me. I know I can’t have him, so I have wild fantasies of wanting him to get me pregnant bc then I’d have a part of him for my entire life. Isn’t that the craziest shit you’ve ever heard?? I just want him, so fucking badly. I thought what would help would be to talk to other ppl & he encourages it, but when I do, I feel bad & I get confused & it makes me want him even more 😩😩😩 I see girls I think he’s talking to, & I feel jealousy. Kinda bc he’s talking to them in a naughty way & not me. Kinda bc they can like/reblog as much shit off his blog as they possibly want, yet, I can’t 😩 I know there’s reasons for all this, but... I DONT FUCKING LIKE THE REASONS!!! Allllll I want to do is live by him, so he can come to my house, so we can lie together & so I can talk to him, & so I can suck his dick ALL the fucking time, so he can fuck me whenever he wants it. So I can eat his cum all the time. So I can touch him. So I can love him. I need to love him. I need to kiss him 😩 I need him to feel my love. I love him. I fucking love him so fucking much..... why can’t I have him!!!! Why would you be so cruel, Time? Why would you have us meet if we can’t ever meet? If we can’t ever be one another’s ..? Why? Please help me. Help me get him. I want him. I need him. Deep down, I know he wants me, too. I know he needs me, too. Please make it possible for us.. I must see him. I have to feel him. I have to touch him, smell him, taste him. I need all of him. I literally could swallow him while bc I need him so fucking much. I love him 😞 Daddy, I love you.. so much.

[untold-love-notes]

Tuesday October 23, 2018

2:46 a.m.

Im drunk off his love. I love him so fucking much. I’ve been feeling as if he loves me, too. Tonight felt a bit different. Like, he pulled away a bit. Maybe he was tired, maybe I read him wrong. Whichever, it doesn’t change how I feel about him. He’s had 4 major relationships & the first barely counts bc it was in high school. So, like, 3. I think I’ve been friends/been naughty with him longer than his fiancé & him we’re together.. I just thought of that now. Wow. He does have a friend that he’s been friends with for about as long as me, maybe longer or shorter, I don’t know. But.. I feel incredibly special in his life. Especially bc I think of me writing that thing for him.. I’m still honored he would ask me to write it for him. Like, it leaves me speechless. That’s honestly been one of the happiest days of my life. To me, that shows trust, like, so much trust coming from him ♥️ like, especially him. That made me love him more. Then asking about the details.. getting that much more glimpse of his life.. I, fell in love with him even further, even deeper. He’s such a special man. All I want to do is lay with him right now. I want to fall asleep by his side, in his arms, with my face tucked by his armpit/chest area & I want to hold him & smell him & kiss him & love him. He deserves to be loved. He deserves happiness. He deserves pleasure. He is such a beautiful soul ♥️ I’m one of the luckiest girls on Earth to have the pleasure of knowing such a kind & warm hearted man. His hands. His hands show how gentle he his ♥️ god, do I love those hands of his. I’ve never loved a mans set of hands, as I do his. They’re absolutely perfect.. I can’t wait for the day, when I can hold them & caress them & feel them on every inch of my body.. I melt when I think of it. I just want to melt into him. That’s how close I want to be with him right now. Omg & to kiss him.. I must go. I want to daydream of him before

[untold-love-notes]

10/10/18

1:26 a.m.

I’m tired of falling in love with men. 

I’m tired of developing so much feelings and so much love when it’s not wanted nor reciprocated. 

It hurts.

To be the one that none of them want. 

It hurts.

To be the one to suffer bc Time wasn’t on your side, again. 

It hurts.

To feel the connection. To feel the love. 

Yet, to have it pulled back. To have it pulled away from you, from the person you’re in love with. 

Just when you think ‘he’s different’. He’s not.

Why continue playing with me. Just leave me the fuck alone. 

Everybody.

Just leave me. The. Fuck. Alone. 

I will choose where I want to live. 

I will choose what I want to do with my life.

I will choose who I want to be with.

As of now, at this very second, I’d rather be alone. I’d rather enjoy my own company. My own solitude. My own peace. My own disaster. My own whatever I may become of myself.

It’s weighing on me so much that I can’t even study for my midterm that I’m probably going to fail tomorrow. Bc I’m so smart. Bc I allowed men to get the best of me, yet again. 

I hate myself. I’m never what’s wanted. I’m never what’s needed. I’m always a dead fucking end for everyone. Let me rephrase that: everyone is always a dead end to me. I don’t know. Whichever one. 

[untold-love-notes]

09/21/18

11:44 p.m.

All I feel right now is sorrow. I feel like... Daddy & I are ‘breaking up’. He’s pulled away from me a LOT. I’m not sure why, but.. he won’t tell me. My heart hurts. There’s a lump in my throat. Tears are rolling off my cheeks. I’m hurting. I just .. I just want him. I wanna go back to how things were. I miss him.

[untold-love-notes]

I become extremely needy when I don’t get Daddy’s attention for more than 2+ hours.. I start feeling like he’s slipping away. Or I’m not interesting. Or that he’s busy with somebody else & I feel like I become less important. Or I think of the impossible.. that he’s feeling how I am for him and he doesn’t want to, so he distances himself from me. Or he simply distances himself from me bc I’m feeling too much. I always feel too much. So if it’s that, why pick these certain times? Or maybe he just really is busy.. & I need to stop acting so stupid 😣 I can’t help it, though.

I need comfort. I need affection. I need love. I’m not getting any of that from hubby & it’s eating at me. So bad that I’m dreaming of Jay. And I’m wishing he could comfort me. But he can’t. Hubby can’t. Daddy can’t. Nobody can. I’m unwanted. I’m unlovable. I’m annoying, I’m certain. I’m hurting. It hurts. Why does it hurt. I feel too much pain for a little bit of alone time. Idk what’s going on. Do I really know what all this hurt is from? No, I don’t know.

[untold-love-notes]

August 25, 2018

7:36 p.m.

So, I couldn’t get something Daddy told me yesterday out of my head, so I just let him know how touched I was it.

(Yesterday August 24, 2018 around 8 p.m.)

Me: I stopped by the gas station to throw some trash outta my car 🙃 now home. I thiiiiink. Lol.

Daddy: Thank you for not littering, tingly girl. 😊

(Today August 25, 7:30 p.m.)

Me: Sooo, something’s been coming back to my mind every so often since yesterday. Yesterday, I told you I stopped by the gas station to clean out my car; throw my car trash away. This is something I’ve been doing since I first got a car in 2001/2002. Within those 16/17 years, nobody has ever thanked me for doing that. Not bc I ‘got my car cleaned up’, but bc I didn’t trash our planet. Idk, I’m just really touched by what you said & I think it’s one of those moments that I’ll never forget 😌 I just wanted to let you know. You’re truly a special person & not just to me, but in general ♥️

I was reading for my ANTH class (intro to geography) & as I was reading, I thought of it again & I had to tell you. Okay, back to reading for me.. 🙂

Daddy: (waiting for reply, will copy/paste soon enough ☺️)

He definitely is incredibly special & I couldn’t possibly not have feelings for such an amazing man. There’s no way I could deny what I feel for him. I’m utterly & passionately in love with him.

[untold-love-notes]

I only wanna kiss Daddy.

[untold-love-notes]

August 21, 2018

12:00 a.m.

I’m sitting at my desk in tears, listening to classical romance music. I don’t know if the music makes my brain think about serious things. Emotional things. I don’t know. But I sit here and all I can think about is my hands. They’re hurting and itching and I know it’s the rheumatoid arthritis and it scares me. I don’t want to grow old, but I want all the time. Then I start thinking of life and how short it is. We don’t have enough life to do everything we want. To go everywhere we want to go. Then I think of how small earth really is and then I think of our universe and it’s so small. There’s more out there. It just makes my mind super curious & it sets a river flowing down my face and all I can think about is Daddy. I just want to cuddle near him. On him. I need his comfort. All I want to do is have him wrap me up in his arms and allow me to cry and talk to him. But he’s not my Daddy. He’s not my husband. He’s not my boyfriend. He’s my friend and I want more. Why do I feel like I want more and he doesn’t? Sometimes I feel like he wants more, too. But he quickly waters it down. Do you believe he feels guilt? Bc I’m not his children? Bc I’m not his wife? Bc I’m not his responsibility? I just love him so much and it’s so hard sometimes. Sometimes l, like now, I’d like want to go in his inbox and tell him all of what I wrote just now and I want to also tell him that I love him. But I can’t. He doesn’t want me getting feelings for him. I already have them. He knows that. They just don’t go away. He’s a smart man. Why would he tell me that? I demand to know. Does he truly only feel friendship towards me? Is this sincerely unrequited love? Does he truly not love me in return? I’m not speaking of love that derived from friendship, no, I’m speaking of romance.. the kind of love where you waste hours thinking of what your first kiss with him would be like. The kind of love where you spend hours thinking of meeting him for the first time and wondering how things would go. How things would fall into place. I’ve thought of it over and over and every time ends with me feeling too strongly to where I can’t take it. It overwhelms me. I get so engulfed in the passion I feel I share with him and I feel like I would be embarrassed if we met in a public place. I would lose my mind. I’d want my privacy with him. And I’m not wanting it bc of naughty things. I want it bc I want to feel comfortable and I want to take my time staring into his eyes for the very first time. I want it to be a dance. Or better yet, I want it to be as if him and I are making love to each other with our eyes.. then our touch.. until things got deeper and deeper.. until we felt our souls melting into one another. My soul loves his soul dearly.. oh so dearly. It is so in love with it. Almost as if it’s met it before. Like, my soul has been searching for his for 32 years. I just want to enjoy his company in absolute silence for hours for days for years for eternity. I could sit with him and not speak a single word and be content just knowing he’s ‘there’. Knowing he’s ‘here’. I love him so dearly. I just want to feel his face with both of my hands pressed up against his cheeks.. slowly stroking his face.. feeling it’s form.. memorizing the way he looks, the way he feels, the way he smells. I want to run my hands around his head. I want to spend hours upon hours feeling that mans body.. caressing every inch of him. Tasting every bit of him. I want to know his flavor. I want it lasting in my mouth forever. Sometimes I wish I could live in his body. Just to be that close to him. I wouldn’t want to leave. Let me be your passenger. Carry me with you wherever you go, darling.

I should go to bed. I didn’t want to, but I must. I must fall asleep thinking of that sweet, sweet man. I love you Terrance. I will always love you.

~Love, your sweet girl♥️

[untold-love-notes]

I thought of Daddy that night I was watching the meteor shower alone. I know he would’ve enjoyed it. He would’ve enjoyed the fooling around way more, too. *sigh*

[untold-love-notes]

August 15, 2018

4:10 a.m.

All I want is love. True love. Real love. Passionate love. I want to be held. Tightly held. I don’t want to feel empty and lonely with a person sleeping next to me. He’s not here, but it doesn’t make one lick of a difference. I wish Daddy wasn’t taken. I wish he were single. I would run to him in a heartbeat. I would leave everything behind. Except my fur babies, of course. Why did I have to fall in love with him. Why does he have to be so perfect. Why does he have to be who he is. Why does he have to be married. I miss him. I miss what him & I had. I wish things were the same. I miss completely being his. I feel like I’m contagious on here to him bc of our situation. I feel contagious to everyone to be honest.

[untold-love-notes]

July 31, 2018

5:09 a.m.

My dearest love,

Deep down.. I feel like I’ve known you before. Not in this life. Perhaps not in this life form. I feel like I told you, ‘not to worry because I will find you again. Somehow, someway, we will find each other and we will keep finding each other. Over and over.’ I truly whole heartedly believe that. I don’t want to impose in your current life, too much. But.. I found you. You found me. We found each other. This is something that should be celebrated, in all honesty. You always were the extra cautious one. Believe me. Believe in me. If you don’t already. You don’t even have to use words to tell me. I can feel it. I can feel you. All of you. I know you can feel me too. You complete me. You and I are connected somehow. I don’t know why or how, but I just know we are. I find comfort in knowing that you’ll be in my life, this life, until the last breath I take, here. I won’t leave you. Ever. Even after that last breath. I will be back. My soul will find a way. It can’t stay without you for too long. Don’t doubt what you feel. Believe it. Just believe.

I love you.