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First Entry

I guess this will be my first blog in this platform. If anyone . . . or if someone out there is wondering why I decided to create an account here, it is because I just want to express my emotions in a way that no one or at least none of the people who knows me will be able to read. If you are also wondering why I have to make a blog that is not intended to be shared, that is because I want to express myself freely and without restraint. Most, if not all, of the people I know always want to be happy and they want people around them to be happy. That is why most of them like to enjoy; living their life like there’s no problem at all. It’s not that I oppose of that of lifestyle; it just seemed like everyone is purposely making a distraction to avoid facing what’s really in front of them. If it were me a few months ago, I would have lived just like the way they do; not caring about my problems and having fun. But one thing made me realize what I was doing was not really making me feel better, it was love. For those who are quick to judge, let me explain my situation first.

            Ever since I was young, I have always been the “sensitive” kid. It was easy for people to make me cry and to be honest, I really cried a lot back then. However, due to the fact that I’m a dude (or at least that’s what I’m supposed to be), other people, especially my parents, find it unsightly. So they raised me to become strong and tough; to hide my emotions and keep them all bottled up. But just like a bottle of soda, shake it hard enough and once you open the lid, there’s bound to be consequences. . . and people who’ll get wet. That lifestyle didn’t turn out quite well for me and as a result, I became a person who could not express myself to others properly. This is also the reason why I have my girly voice, because it was not trained enough that it did not develop in the slightest.

            Growing up, I could never say what I really wanted to say and would often tell a lie or not talk at all. I could never make a good relationship with anyone and is sometimes oblivious about what other people feel about certain things. If there was one good thing that came out of my lifestyle, its the fact that it made me a better liar than anybody else I know and it also made me good at keeping secrets. Just like my friends right now, I had fun like I had no problem at all; tried to forget everything and come back even more sad and lonely after the party’s over. 

            Years passed and I became a lot less sensitive person, not because I was able to properly manage my emotions but because I became ignorant and clueless about it. The only emotions I know were the happiness and the heart-piercing, back-stabbing, sharp pain of sadness and emptiness that came soon after. Even as I was getting bullied and looked down upon by other people, I still pretended that everything was fine. I was able to maintain the facade until I grew up.

             As I was leaving my teenage life and started look forward to being an adult, there were many things I started to consider; college, employment, money. It was an understatement to say that I was not prepared for this. Everybody had dreams and goals they want to achieve while me? I had no direction to follow. It didn’t feel like it was real at all. I was the irregular homeboy whose only domain was the four corners of his room but now, I have to become a part of the workforce. As a result of not being able to cope up with the progress around me, I tried multiple courses, dropped out of college, did jobs here and there, but even with the thing I did, I still couldn’t feel that I was an adult, everything still felt unreal and then the real issue came when I had my first decent job. It was a call center that had a decent pay. I was able to successfully make it through their employment process and got hired. The only problem was, I could perform my job well. Little by little it took a piece of my sanity every time I had to deal with angry and annoying customers but I kept going. I was able to stay there for more than a year but due to my immaturity, there were things that became too hard for me to handle. I won’t go into details as to why thing became too hard for me but just know that the main reason why it happened was because of my lack of maturity in handling those kinds of situations.

            As a result, I began showing signs of having depression. I was having trouble in doing my job right and handling things properly and it felt like I was biting off more than I can chew. In the end, I decided that if I stayed there for much longer, I would eventually end up losing my sanity. I left my job without even handing as much as a resignation letter. I know it was very inadequate and unprofessional but at that point in time, that was the best thing that I can come up with in order to relieve myself of the stress and negative emotions I’ve been carrying.

            Luckily, a good opportunity came to me, I was able to continue my college this time around, I am determined to finish what I started. The only problem was, this also became the avenue for me to meet someone who unintentionally made a huge impact in my life. That’s right, after the very long narration, this is the part where I will tell you about him and why I fell in love. To be fair, it’s not the kind of love that you were thinking of . . . probably. Despite our obvious differences, and his dark past, we actually have a lot of things in common. The only differences are his age and maturity in handling things; he is also a bit aggressive (in all kind of sense) but is kind and approachable (once you get past his annoying voice and his intimidating stance). We became good friends, we hang out and eventually, our relationship got stronger. The problem started when I started to feel more strongly about him, I’d get more jealous every time he hangs out with other people and would always feel left out every time he’s with his other friends. I was becoming too obsessed that it was no longer healthy being with him. I was trying to figure out why this happened and why now but as I began to realize the root cause of the problem, I started distancing myself from him. The reason was actually because he was the first person I ever really bonded with without any reservation. I had a lot of friend all throughout the years but the bond that we had was probably the strongest because it was not built in lies and deception. We were honest with one another and because of my inability to express myself truthfully and because of my pride; I couldn’t bear to tell him how I truly feel. Because if I did, everyone would think that I have romantic feelings towards him. I guess you can call this the curse of being bi; you can’t have straight friends or else people will think you have feelings for them. I will probably regret this decision but I don’t want to sully the friendship we once had. A friend or not, I can’t deny the fact that I loved him and I still do but as long as I have this lingering emotions and as long as the perception of other people changes, I have no choice but to continue to keep my distance, not only for the sake of our friendship but also for myself and my emotional well-being. A day might come where he will begin to hate me and move on with his life but what I hold within me are the memories we once shared and the slight glimpse of happiness I felt when we were together.

            Bottom-line is that even though I am struggling with my emotions, I still am able to figure things out even though it’s not on the best way. I’m still trying to figure things out and I do hope that one day I will be able to speak my mind more truthfully and have a good grip of my emotions to avoid these things from happening again. As for this issue, although things are still rough, it is getting better. He’s happy where he’s currently at and if people would stop teasing me every now and then, it will eventually pass. I can’t necessarily avoid him but I do hope he is always happy and in return I will be happy and contented as well with what I currently have.

P.S. This was a long one!!