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FANGS

Why? Why not!

Hey y’all. It’s been a while…

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FOURTH

With this year of learning more about our country, where we have been and where we still need to go, happy Independence Day to all. Hope you were able to spend it with family, and enjoyed a day of celebration and fireworks!

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FERTILE

Thank you god for continuously blessing me. Excited for this new life and role and adventure. Honored.

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FOOLISH

When I tell you that your dog just threw up, and you close the door instead of coming down to help clean it up...

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FAIR

The one time in my life when I should be able to relax and get spoiled...

It amazes me how I am expected to do this and that and that. And that too! While everyone else remains the same.

As long as I don’t say anything, everything is fine. I am told to ask for help, but then when I do, it is a problem. People either react with a debate or ignore or complain to others that they were asked to step up.

Sorry I want our home to be cleaned. Sorry our dogs need baths because they cannot bathe themselves, and I have always done it so no one else ever had to do it. Sorry cooking equals dishes and trash. Sorry the dogs are trained in a routine and you may have to help. Sorry I give the dog his meds and brush him and walk and feed him daily and take him out every afternoon.

Sorry I feel honored to take care of you, but the idea of taking care of me is a stressor for you. Sorry my daily life has already changed and I still deliver and provide, but you feel your life is about to change and you will miss out on life.

Sorry I made sure your 40th - and every birthday - was celebrated, but there is no space to take lead or think about making up my 40th since you were sick. Sorry I have allowed so much to happen, and that I remain independent. Sorry no one has ever made me feel and believe I could just relax and not worry because they would take care of everything.

Sorry the idea of taking care of me, is not something of interest to you.

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FESTER

Empty promises. Priorities and preferences made clear. I should not hold it in, but when I share, no one hears.

Amazing how we are exhausted, but the reasons are vastly different. Daily affirmations and prayers to stand strong and remind myself of my significance.

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FORGIVENESS

The bible says forgive as God has forgiven us. I am willing to do the work, if the person can hold themselves accountable. If they deny or redirect blame, it is hard for me to forgive, because they do not regret nor acknowledge the hurt or damage caused.

On the flip side, holding on to that energy does not help me in the end. I just find a way to let them or it go, so I can walk in my own splendor versus having this anchor that could hold me back. Or down.

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FEEL

Music is so therapeutic and healing. As I sit here listening to Jill Scott on shuffle in my iPad, song after song I find myself smiling. Vibing. Body is responding with joy and tingles, like it is saying “yesssss.”

One of her lyrics just said, “I’m tired of being strong all day.” Amen. When can I rest? Having to be, expected to be so much to so many, when can I be weak? When is it my turn to be taken care of? Gotta take care of myself, because I have to prioritize me when no one else will.

And now she’s singing she’s blessed. Me too, Jill, me too. I have got me, and God, always.

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FABULOUS

I have so many emotions after today’s events. Will post tomorrow. Had to take a moment to say hell yeah!

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FAITH

The test...it is real. My response is immediate tears, and it takes some breathing and processing to finally say to myself, God has got me. I am in his favor, and he has never let me down.

Things happen exactly when they should, and I have to remember that. He has never let me down or left me. I am safe, loved and supported.

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FORTY

Thank you lord. The celebration was not what I envisioned, but I am truly grateful, honored and blessed.

Here’s to where I have been, and where I am going. Another colorful chapter in the works. Amen.

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FEVER

Rona found her way into our home. Everything we have done and places we have been, when we are actually sitting still, safer at home, she infiltrated our safe haven. For my 40th, I got a cardigan, cake and Covid.

The blessing: everyone is now healthy and well. Each having different symptoms, all mild. Not one of us had a fever. So why are we still checking temperatures? Does not always apply.

Granted, my baby brother’s rs experience was everything the CDC said it should be, and he did not make it. So how are we so fortunate? After a big thanksgiving gathering, multiple family members came out ill, but all are healthy and here to talk about it. Why not Brandon? It is not fair.

In my house, the first was a sinus sold. The second had a sore throat and cough. The third was fatigued, and developed a cough oddly at the end once healthier. And for me, the fourth, I was congested for a couple of days. All happened, one by one, in a week.

We were armed with information, but it still does not explain much. How and why was this so different? Thank you God for our health, but why is it that my brother cannot be here healthy too?

People keep posting insensitive things to undermine my brother’s death. Calling those who wear masks Nazi-puppets, and wanting to write him off as dying of heart failure, not covid. So I guess my uncle did not die from AIDS either. According to the right, he died from a cold. I guess my grandmother did not die from cancer. According to conservatives, seems she died from her organs no longer functioning. Do not blame cancer for her death!

Everyone, just be silent and still. And empathetic. Where is the love?

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FEELINGS

This evening while watching Girlfriends, a series of emotions fled back, and my heart grew just as heavy as before. We never talked about our loss, together. Thrice while away, I was promised THE talk when they returned home, but it never happens. Never happened.

On the show, the husband tries to make the wife talk about their loss. He shares how he felt like he was going through the miscarriage alone, because she would not talk about it. Cue tears. That is me! I still feel as if I am the only one who cares we lost, because nothing I can say or do will make them share their feelings or experience. Even pouring my heart into an essay for a fertility grant, I thought they would read it and tell me they hear me. Hug me. Would tell me it would be okay. Guess that is what I get for expecting.

A few episodes later, the wife finally breaks down and says she was trying to be strong for everyone and could not risk being vulnerable and not being cared for. That is me! Since we will not talk about it, I have to pretend to be strong. I cried daily for months, and now tear at the thought. A product of our love did not get a chance, and I was told to get over it. Focus on the next. There is and will never be a replacement. I resented the words and the deliverer, but was empathetic enough to let that person be where they were in their process. Why couldn’t...can’t they do the same for me?

I hope that if we had the talk, I would feel better. Instead, as I watch them sleep during the rest of the episode and tears pour down my face, I wonder how different life would be for all of us today.

Grateful for where we are today. Will always love and mourn my angel.

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FORM

Images from Africa we do not see, because colonizers want us to believe there is nothing there but poor savages. Look deeper. See and feel the beauty and richness of Africa.

Seen in Lagos, Nigeria via Leap of Dance Academy

Use this link to send in your image + video submissions

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FERTILITY

We are the furthest we have ever been, and the excitement is confused. Where did this stop come from? Of all these years, why now? When I need you, you are nowhere to be found. I have never wanted you so badly.

Another FN delay...be patient. No stress. How? I am so grateful and worried and scared and beyond frustrated. When? I really thought it was my turn. I believe...I am struggling though.

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FAITH

Deep sigh...has to, right?

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FIRST

I struggle with prioritizing myself. My nature is to care for and make sure everyone else is happy, and once I am alone, I may take care of me. I could still be alone, and prioritizing others needs. Emotionally, financially and etc.

When I first moved to LA, I could be selfish. It was just my dog and me. Within a few months, my focus switched to new relationships and making sure they were happy. And then I became a wife, balancing student needs and other changes in life for those around me.

As much as I am dying to be a mother, my fear is where I will stand when I have a child. How far down on the list will I go? Will anyone ever prioritize me? I am tired and sad and mad and frustrated, but I am expected to keep giving my energy to and take care of others.