usuallydown

[usuallydown]

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And this maybe,is what you call extreme sadness.You are in too much pain and sadness that you cant even cry.Nothing makes me happy anymore.I may be smiling,even laughing sometimes,but that doesnt mean happiness.My smiles and laughter makes me realize or reminds me more of how sad i am now.And its becoming too much,i lost interest in all the things i love to do.I cant even listen to music now.I wont even memorize a song,i cant even feel anything.its just like im here but not really.its like im living in a virtual world,im an avatar,no feelings,no control.its like im just moving because i am being controlled.its starting to be a routine.i wake up,go to work then go home.I always feel tired even when i didnt do anything at all.Nothing excites me anymore.I feel nothing.

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How did I end up in this,how in the world did I end up getting hurt.Did I did something wrong?Did I did something that I shouldnt?Why am I having a hard time in knowing what is right or wrong.I will let everything go and put everything in their right place.

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Im having fun,at least,i still got problems and issues,a lot actually,but every now and then i get to steal bits of happiness and fun.but im scared that ill go back to gloomy dark days again.

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Im sorry baby but when I met you,be ready.Please be ready for a whole lot of ranting.For a whole lot of crying.I will tell you everything and I need you to be strong for it.

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Ayoko na.Im done.Please make it stop.I need you.Where are you?I dont think I can hold on much longer.

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So its been 4 days since i started to fast on everything.ive been feeling okay than before.a little bit okay.but im still feeling overwhelmed.i dont like it.i will write here from time to time just to say how i am.im planning to buy a book,just to see if i can go back to reading.*a very long sigh*

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One thing I learned here in tumblr is that whenever you're stressed or depressed and just want release,instead of hurting yourself,draw.And ive never been comfortable with drawing.But whenever I draw on my skin it feels sooo good and relaxing.And i can say that my skin is the best canvass ever.Im having anxiety attacks lately plus stress,and this is the latest.i got the designs from the internet and im starting to think of getting a tattoo.

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Why does my parents treat me like a little piece of shit.When all my life has been revolving around them.Do this,do that.Dont do this,dont do that.And i did every single fucking one of it.Even if im not happy.I thought now,maybe i shouldve just disobeyed them to make myself happy.Just once.Maybe i shouldve went on that party when they said dont go.Maybe i shouldve just drink that beer when they said no.Maybe i shouldve just taken that course instead of taking what they wanted me to take.Maybe i shouldve just said no when they told me to apply for a job overseas.Maybe i shouldve just did those things i wanna do but i didnt,knowing that they wouldnt be pleased if i did.I hope one day i can do things that will make me happy instead of them.I hope one day i can tell them how suffocated i am growing up.I hope one day i can tell them NO.

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I am starting to feel scared of the things that are happening quick right now.I am excited to live alone,i like the idea of not having a big pile of laundry,or having to worry what to cook for the whole family,or being tired cleaning the entire house on my own.But i am very scared of LIVING ALONE in a foreign country.and this is where i hate being raised isolated.Its like im a caged animal being freed to a jungle.Natural living instincts gone.Not knowing how to survive out in a jungle.

[usuallydown]

Why does my parents treat me like a little piece of shit.When all my life has been revolving around them.Do this,do that.Dont do this,dont do that.And i did every single fucking one of it.Even if im not happy.I thought now,maybe i shouldve just disobeyed them to make myself happy.Just once.Maybe i shouldve went on that party when they said dont go.Maybe i shouldve just drink that beer when they said no.Maybe i shouldve just taken that course instead of taking what they wanted me to take.Maybe i shouldve just said no when they told me to apply for a job overseas.Maybe i shouldve just did those things i wanna do but i didnt,knowing that they wouldnt be pleased if i did.I hope one day i can do things that will make me happy instead of them.I hope one day i can tell them how suffocated i am growing up.I hope one day i can tell them NO.

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My parents always tell me and my siblings that we are bothersome.That we make their life miserable.That we always cause trouble.Do we?Then why did you made us.Did we chose to be born.

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Spending new years eve crying under my blanket.

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Whats in my head?Illusion,confusion,hallucination,filling my top there.Feels like im a candidate,for mental institution.It fills my heart with anger,sadness,bitterness or whatever unhappy emotion there is to name.Help me im sinking.into shitload of unhappy motherfucking feeling.All people looking okay.I hate it.Looking as if there will be no problems that cant be solved.You might.but you cannot turn back time.and problems will always be there.You might gotten up when you fell,but you cannot erase the fact that you fell.Wounds might heal.But scars will be scars.Your life may be okay now,but it wasnt before.You cannot turn back time.People will always hurt you.

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When you spend Christmas Eve eating a whole chocolate cake,korean noodles and kimchi while watching creepy crappy videos.

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Its already the 23rd of December but it doesnt feel like Christmas.I'll probably spend Christmas eve and Christmas in bed browsing through tumblr or watching useless videos on youtube.My family wont be here anyway.So Christmas by myself.yey.yey life.

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I am seriously bored as hell.By this time ive probably read an entire book or finished writing an entire book.But that was what,2,3 years ago?I have non,ZERO motivation in doing anything that i love doing before.Things that happened in my life for the past few years entirely swallowed every little bits of happiness in my life.I have no idea who or what i was like before compare to what i am now.Was i always this down before?was i always annoyed?do these things that annoys me now annoys me before?