utopian-diary

[utopian-diary]

what do i think feminity actually is if i want to live it so badly?

i'm not saying i have to know this to be a valid transfemme

but i'd like to know how to position myself a bit more intellectually.

femininity to me feels like joy, freedom, beauty, creative expression.

it also feels like love, inclusion, pride, belonging

it feels like letting go of alot of stress and flowing into an easier life, with less permanent strain. for me, having been a boy and for a while now in the process of becoming a man, instead choosing to become a woman would take alot of weight off my shoulders and make me so much more excited about the world. my nature would stay reconciled with my expression and my body, and with the way people perceived me.

being a boy was never much of an issue. now that i've been thinking about it for the last few months i actually do remember moments where i was envious of girls, and i was rarely in strictly boy friendgroups. but i didn't suffer from it, and it never felt wrong. of course the rest of my life was absolutely shit emotionally until a few years ago, in terms of my homelife and shit. but now that i've been able to be myself more and more, especially since last summer, my desire for femininity has turned into aspiration.

more importantly, the realisation that boyhood was ending and i was on my way to being a man terrified me, and it still does. masculinity seems so tense and cold and competitive and lonely to me. iknow that it doesn't have to be that, but even when i'm in healthy masculine connections to people it felt like that. and still feels like that with everyone i'm not out to.

also i'm very often angry about what testosterone has done to my body, and what it's doing right now. male pattern balding is making me not want to exist in the world. and having a softer body and a more feminine silhouette, breast growth, healthier hair, seems so exciting and wonderful to me. i feel like i would radiate all my love to everyone all the time.

end of the post for now, too high

[utopian-diary]

ok i am trans now? or iguess i finally found out

i'm kinda high rn but what i wanna say for this moment is that this is so fucking cool and i've been incredibly dissociated since i found out basically, i think i've had only a few days where i felt really happy and comfortable about it, and it's only been getting worse. but today i realized that it is actually so fucking cool and i'm so glad that i found this out about myself finally and i realized that i am actually in transition right now, i'm a girl and i have a new name and people refer to me with she/her, even tho i only told a few people yet, and i can start hrt and fix my hairline and grow boobs and get softer skin and see more color (!!!!!????!!!!???) and change mentally and get a more feminine figure and i can work out and gain weight and wear more cooler clothes, and decorate myself! i always tried to look as basic and non-dressed up as possible because it felt more 'honest' and comfortable, but i always thought that if i were a girl i would really go crazy with fashion and accessories and stuff and i'm so fucking excited for thatttt.

also i was in the shower and i thought that trans people and gender in general are so fucking beautiful. gender in the way that it allows us to transcend boring old sexual dimorphism into something that we have creative control over. and trans people are imo a beautiful example of this and i'm so fucking happy that i will be able to go on hormones aaaaa i dont know how to finish this

in the shower i told myself 5 times 'im going to be one of the most divine beings on this fucking planet' and i fucking feel this so much genderqueerness is the coolest thing ever

[utopian-diary]

The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy

THE ANARCHIST LIBRARY | ANDIE NORDGREN | 2006

Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique

Love and respect instead of entitlement

Find your core set of relationship values

Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you

Build for the lovely unexpected

Fake it til’ you make it

Trust is better

Change through communication

Customize your commitments

This is a new translation/adaptation to English of a relationship anarchy pamphlet by me, Andie Nordgren, published in Swedish as “Relationsanarki i 8 punkter” by Interacting Arts in 2006. More in Swedish on http://www.andie.se — a website I ran actively between 2004 and 2008, where relationship anarchy was defined and explored by myself and others.

Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique

Relationship anarchy questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple. You have capacity to love more than one person, and one relationship and the love felt for that person does not diminish love felt for another. Don’t rank and compare people and relationships — cherish the individual and your connection to them. One person in your life does not need to be named primary for the relationship to be real. Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals.

Love and respect instead of entitlement

Deciding to not base a relationship on a foundation of entitlement is about respecting others’ independence and self-determination. Your feelings for a person or your history together does not make you entitled to command and control a partner to comply with what is considered normal to do in a relationship. Explore how you can engage without stepping over boundaries and personal beliefs. Rather than looking for compromises in every situation, let loved ones choose paths that keep their integrity intact, without letting this mean a crisis for the relationship. Staying away from entitlement and demands is the only way to be sure that you are in a relationship that is truly mutual. Love is not more “real” when people compromise for each other because it’s part of what’s expected.

Find your core set of relationship values

How do you wish to be treated by others? What are your basic boundaries and expectations on all relationships? What kind of people would you like to spend your life with, and how would you like your relationships to work? Find your core set of values and use it for all relationships. Don’t make special rules and exceptions as a way to show people you love them “for real”.

Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you

Remember that there is a very powerful normative system in play that dictates what real love is, and how people should live. Many will question you and the validity of your relationships when you don’t follow these norms. Work with the people you love to find escapes and tricks to counter the worst of the problematic norms. Find positive counter spells and don’t let fear drive your relationships.

Build for the lovely unexpected

Being free to be spontaneous — to express oneself without fear of punishments or a sense of burdened “shoulds” — is what gives life to relationships based on relationship anarchy. Organize based on a wish to meet and explore each other — not on duties and demands and disappointment when they are not met.

Fake it til’ you make it

Sometimes it can feel like you need to be some complete super human to handle all the norm breaking involved in choosing relationships that don’t map to the norm. A great trick is the “fake it til’ you make it” strategy — when you are feeling strong and inspired, think about how you would like to see yourself act. Transform that into some simple guidelines, and stick to them when things are rough. Talk to and seek support from others who challenge norms, and never reproach yourself when the norm pressure gets you into behaviour you didn’t wish for.

Trust is better

Choosing to assume that your partner does not wish you harm leads you down a much more positive path than a distrustful approach where you need to be constantly validated by the other person to trust that they are there with you in the relationship. Sometimes people have so much going on inside themselves that there’s just no energy left to reach out and care for others. Create the kind of relationship where withdrawing is both supported and quickly forgiven, and give people lots of chances to talk, explain, see you and be responsible in the relationship. Remember your core values and to take care of yourself though!

Change through communication

For most human activities, there is some form of norm in place for how it is supposed to work. If you want to deviate from this pattern, you need to communicate — otherwise things tend to end up just following the norm, as others behave according to it. Communication and joint actions for change is the only way to break away. Radical relationships must have conversation and communication at the heart — not as a state of emergency only brought out to solve “problems”. Communicate in a context of trust. We are so used to people never really saying what they think and feel — that we have to read between the lines and extrapolate to find what they really mean. But such interpretations can only build on previous experiences — usually based on the norms you want to escape. Ask each other about stuff, and be explicit!

Customize your commitments

Life would not have much structure or meaning without joining together with other people to achieve things — constructing a life together, raising children, owning a house or growing together through thick and thin. Such endeavors usually need lots of trust and commitment between people to work. Relationship anarchy is not about never committing to anything — it’s about designing your own commitments with the people around you, and freeing them from norms dictating that certain types of commitments are a requirement for love to be real, or that some commitments like raising children or moving in together have to be driven by certain kinds of feelings. Start from scratch and be explicit about what kind of commitments you want to make with other people!

[utopian-diary]

first post

this will be a blog/diary thing where i just wanna write for myself and give it the chance of being seen by random people on the internet. if you are one of these people, hi. if no one sees it it will be ok as well, pretty comfortable actually.

i want to write about my life right now, and about how i want my life to be. in the most utopian way.

i believe in a world where humanity collectively is in harmony and anarchy, where everybody lives in communities and villages and houses together with their (chosen) familymembers and friends and lovers, where there is no hierarchy and violent coersion, no exploitation. a world where the majority of the people you meet you can love and feel safe with, and where we can live and enjoy being human in our most primal real ways. i want to live in a house with people i love and want to be with in my daily life. or a village or whatever, but i want to have them close. i want all my friendships and relationships to people to be organic and intrinsic, non-prescriptive. i want to be with a group of people who all love each other in the best way they can be loved. i want to grow my own weed, and to give concerts and other events in my space or in another space that is managed by the collective. and to make art, and surf.

i understand that this means that i will have to work very hard in order to achieve any of this, even the personal goals where i don't focus on a global scale. but i want to to this, even if i don't end up all the way in utopia before i die, i will know i have played a role in a future one.

i know there are alot of other leftists/radicals/revolutionaries who will fight for the same causes like me with a very different mindset. i think someone cool said something like fight forwards not fight back. i love that you are antifascist or anticapitalist or anti-evil. but what is your goal? like the positive effect of it. what comes in place after your revolution or the annihilation of your enemies.

thats why i think you have to be utopian, so you know what o believe in and then what to fight for, and then you have something to worship. but not in the way christians worship their heaven, fuck that. they just expect to be taken out of this reality to somewhere they will have no responsibility anymore and can be ethically hedonistic. it makes it very easy to not give so many fucks about saving this reality. more likely it encourages people to milk this reality to serve as their final goal instead of aas their full reality.

we are from this earth and we belong here, we have the right and the responsibility to be as human as we can be and to play our role in the natural systems, and to be beautiful and peaceful.

i mean worship in the sense of comparing all your experiences to this ideal. know what way of life this utopia requires in order to be brought in existence, and in order to sustain it, and living that way. and evangelise this, find other people who believe in a similar enough version of your utopia and grow together.

also i firmly believe that humanity has the potential to this utopia. seriously. i think we are being brainwashed and messed with to such a deep level that we can not imagine raising above the desperate violent exhausted versions of ourselves we often are. but i think we can do much more than we can now in a more supporting structure and environment. and a small version of this environment will create enough support to build towards a bigger, realer, more-encompassing version everytime until it is a full reality.

we are beautiful. we deserve to love people so deeply that our bodies hurt from all the emotions and experiences, and to let ourselves be so totally vulnerable that we can experience deep heartbreak. allow yourself to risk suffering for what you love. dont stay comfortable and superficial all the time. tell people that you love them and don't worry about them loving you back, but about them allowing and appreciating the way you love them. love, and you will not have to worry about being loved.

i will be sensitive, vulnerable, loving, connected, poetic, dramatic, revolutionary, expressive, free, spiritually healthy, rested, fighting, brave, safe, loved. and so will everybody

personally right now i'm all about punk rock, weed to meditate and fully relax, relationship anarchy and loving my friends as much as possible, making art and taking walks on the beach to write. i want to become an active practicing anarchist and i want to become part of this community, locally. i'm planning to make friends with squatters. also i'm making plans of my dream hous later where i will live with a group of people who i love and love each other. and i will quit my job as a mailman to be a full time lazy art student. and i will keep investing in new and old friendships.

i want to grow my own weed and get back to surfing. and make friends with this one person who i think understands. and gather more wisdom from my housemates they are sometimes like my older siblings.