uuuuhhdepression - Tumblr blog

[uuuuhhdepression]

Yes but I love you more…

(tag someone you love to mildly inconvenience them)

[uuuuhhdepression]

I told you how bad it was. I needed you to be my friend. You were the only friend I had. I told you how much I was trying. Trying to find reasons to stay alive, trying to live a normal life at home. How everything affected me physically. And how I wanted just a few moments from life to get away from it all, just be me and be happy to be alive.

Moments that could have been Goa.

You made me believe that what I felt was valid. You made me believe I was allowed to feel hurt and then you called me a victim. Making it out to be like I was complaining about how bad my life is for stupid reasons or for no reason at all.

You were the only one I could trust with my feelings and you took that away from me.

[uuuuhhdepression]

I feel a heaviness on my chest

My heart is thawing from the numbness

That I've been holding up for so long

But it's gone

And I'm left with a burning pain

That's eating me alive

But the rain

It gives me some respite

Some comfort

And still, I feel so drained.

I'm so fucking tired.

[uuuuhhdepression]

nobody ever talks about how selfless it is to choose, over and over again, to not commit suicide. nobody ever acknowledges the tremendous sacrifice suicidal people make every time we choose not to kill ourselves. when a person who is suffering so horribly that death seems like their best option decides not to take their one way out, and to instead remain in hell, day after day, year after year, because they don’t want to hurt the people they love, they are doing something extraordinary. not killing yourself when it’s all you want to do is the purest act of love i can imagine. dying for someone is easy – you don’t have to deal with any of the consequences, you have your moment of nobility and then it’s all over. but living for someone, when the simple fact of consciousness is literal torture for you? every single suicidal person who ever made a choice to not kill themselves in a moment of misery is a goddamn hero in my eyes. wanting to die and still surviving is an act of titanic courage and self-sacrifice. we deserve more credit for it.

[uuuuhhdepression]

Hey, almost killed myself again.

But I took two days off to rot and I feel kinda okay.

I feel super lonely and feel like friends and family have been cancelled.

But now that I can accept that, it’s okay.

I’ve also been feeling a lot of guilt too but I think it’s okay to not overanalyse that.

I’ve been running recently and made a lot of progress but had to stop courtesy of my well known friend, this bitch, depression.

So, I feel unhealthy again, I can see some cellulite on my thighs, and even though I’m going to Goa soon where I’ll wear a lot of shorts and swimsuits, I can accept that and it’s okay.

I’ve been eating carelessly too, but it’s okay.

The fact that a made so much progress, physically, a couple of weeks ago shows that I can do that again.

I’m gonna kick depression’s ass, or at least try.

It’s fucking okay.

[uuuuhhdepression]

[uuuuhhdepression]

So, I’m still alive.

It’s been a while since I came back to this.

A lot has happened.

Someone very close to me took their life.

And It shattered a lot of people I love.

And I didn’t want to be the cause of anymore pain by ending mine, not for now at least.

I decided to go ahead and give myself another chance with the notion that I don’t give a fuck anyway. So, in that sense, I could either have a decent experience at life or die. Win-win.

Although, I did end my relationship. It still stings.

It made no sense to drag him into this newfound approach to life, and let’s be honest, it’s cancerous.

But this second chance means effort.

So, It’s been harder now that I’m trying again. But I feel like I’m building a kind of immunity against it.

There has been progress, albiet snail-paced.

It’s something, I guess.

Another new addition to my life is Anxiety.

I mean, I thought Depression was bad, lol.

But I’m still alive.

[uuuuhhdepression]

This time was close.

Me wanting kill myself was not a cry for help.

There was no emotion, no reasoning, just peace at the thought of me leaving this world.

[uuuuhhdepression]

My last bout of depression hit me like a bus.

I tried to control it and fight it, but it only made things worse. So, I welcomed it. I let my mind and body submit itself to it. I did not move, barely ate and did nothing for two days straight. I knew I had other responsibilities but I just shut my mind off and surrendered.

I can still feel the residue.

But I hope this disease is satiated for now.

This way, at least I get to move forward. Even if it is by just a centimetre.

[uuuuhhdepression]

How many times can you drown in one lifetime?

How many times have you not had a reason but wanted to stop existing?

The impossible confluence of restlessness, self loathing and exhaustion, wrestling with reality, reason and a general will to live. There is no definition that can make me understand this ‘Depression’. It takes shape dynamically in various aspects of my life.

Sometimes it protects me and sometimes it wants to kill me.

It makes me see beauty in things most people don’t notice. It shows me the world for what it is and at the same time distorts everything I think I know.

That leaves me in a place of nothingness. There is no one.

It’s a very lonely place.