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I’m conflicted because my parents aren’t as emotionally abusive as before. Sometimes wonder if I made it all up. I just feel like I need to forgive them because they’re my parents,and like they’re supposed to love you. But, I can’t get over how much they hurt me,however much I try.It’s hard when you get nervous everytime a door opens, you mess up or people yell.This has led me to focus heavily on school and try to get into a top 50 college so they won’t be disappointed and I can begin to cope.

I have been in this exact situation and I want to start by saying that i’m very sorry you went through this to begin with. You did not make it up, your parents may have changed their ways but that does not change the fact that at one point and time they hurt you. You are valid. You do not have to forgive your parents because they “love you” what they did was wrong and it is up to YOU whether or not you are comfortable enough to forgive them regardless of if they are trying to be better. it took me many years to get to the point of forgiving one of my parents and the other still to this day |I struggle to be around them/ forgive them and when I am around them they get angry because I’m not loving enough. It does not matter. The saying “blood is blood” is toxic honestly. You can choose to dissociate from those who have hurt you regardless of if you share blood.You do not need to impress them or make them happy. just make YOU happy. I am sorry again. Hope this helped. You are valid, loved, and important

Emma

[v-ent]

hello do you know any other csa/abuse vent acc type things???

Hello! I don’t personally know any other blogs dedicated to it but that is mainly because I have not looked for any. Maybe someone reading this can add any they know of? Sorry I could not be of more help <3

Emma

[v-ent]

hey, so I wanted some advice about my trauma. I don't feel like my experience is valid for a few reasons. 1, it was cocsa, which makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be angry because he was only 9. 2, It wasn't as bad as everyone else. Mine only happened once as far as I can remember and it wasn't proper intercourse so idk. 3, I never have any PTSD. I mean, I get extremely upset about it n stuff but I don't have nightmares about it or things like that. Am I allowed to be traumatized by this? :(

None of these reasons invalidate the trauma you went through! every trauma is different and it is not supposed to be compared. You are valid. You went through something you should not have had to go through and I am endlessly sorry that it did. I hope you are okay and doing well. Please message any time if you want to talk. You are important and loved. No one can allow you to be traumatized it is not up to anyone else. How you feel is how you feel and that is all that matters. I’m sorry angel. You are valid <3

Emma

[v-ent]

me and my ex best friend have known eachother for nine years. i moved, so we kept talking to eachother on the internet. we were arguing a lot, we both behaved bad with eachother and out of sudden she blocked me and for a month we ignored eachother. until she messeged me again, and i tried to become friends with her again. i asked her if she missed me in a jokingly way and she said no. my heart broke, i couldn’t even breathe. i can’t stop crying and thinking about the fact that everybody hates me

I promise that everybody does NOT hate you, myself included! I am really sorry that this happened and hope that you are okay now (idk when this was sent in :)) Her response would make anyone feel hurt and anxious and many other things! I don’t think she put it in a very kind/nice/appropriate way. Please try and remember that just because this friendship did not end the way you wanted it to does not mean all others will end the same. You will meet good/kind/ people to have healthy relationships with. I am sorry this happened, you are important and loved!

Emma

[v-ent]

Idk I realized how I don't talk about this but I had to sit next to my (4 yr crush idk what they were at this point it had been so long) for a class last year and I remember having so much anxiety that one time I almost threw up on the way to that class and seriously considered skipping that class that day. Why did they have me so fucked up? Ig this is more of a vent than ask

Maybe this is because you had a lot of built up emotions for them that were not expressed? I know that has given me anxiety ALOT over the years. Maybe you found it stressful because sometimes when we are surrounded by people we admire or are infatuated/ in love with we don’t want them to see us because of fear of not being enough? There is a lot of factors that could have been in play. I hope you are feeling better and doing well. Remember you are important and loved. XX

[v-ent]

(2/2) wont leave me and like ... im not Open abt it cos i cant hurt her but im internally going through Hell and idk what to do because???? she cant help if shes distant and no matter what she does i could make it up and then decide shes leaving and start being passive aggressive or just????( idk do you have any advice on how to control my emotions and anger??

I definitely understand where you are coming from. For starters i\ think that communication is insanely important in relationships and you really should (gently) explain to your GF how you feel. Just because she has mental health issues does not mean she does not care or want to know how you are doing! and your feelings are very important too! I really think that talking about it will help you feel even a tiny bit better. small steps matter. Plus because you don’t tell her you are feeling that way she doesnt have a chance to say like “no not at all I love you dearly, etc, etc” which can significantly help your mood. I hope this helps I am sorry I don’t have more advice. In my experience I had to do a lot of inner self work to get to the point of believing anyone in general could love, especially because of how many people made me feel like they didnt. The steps I took were, talking about it, actively changing my thoughts when they arose, a lot of distractions to provide time to calm down and seeing a therapist. Hope this helps.

Emma

[v-ent]

Tw sexual harassment I realized when I was in high school I've had someone say a sexual thing to me like 3 times. First a guy asked me if I was fucking a guy I was hanging out with. Second a guy kept making sexual gestures at me (like he did that tongue thing) and third a guy made a sex joke out of my name. The first two were by kids my age. The third was a substitute teacher. The first time I told my mom she got mad bc I didn't fight back or report. Is it really sexual harassment?

I mean I don;t know specific guidelines about sexual harassment but if it made you feel wrong inside and if it made you feel exposed and uncomfortable and affected your mood it is not ok. It is not something for someone to be angry at YOU about. Sometimes those situations really make you feel like you want to just run away and not deal with them at all. Regardless of the reason, you processed it in your own way and that is okay. I hope your mother supported you afterwards... All 3 would make me feel gross too, and NONE of them should have done these actions but specifically the substitute teacher, being in a position of power should not have done this at all. I am sorry you are feeling this way and you are valid and not alone. I hope that this helps and that you are doing better now. 

Emma 

[v-ent]

tw///// my mood depends so much on my SO (they arent aware) to the point that if theyre in a bad mood i feel bad and not like "oh theyre sad thats upsetting" like ill relapse w my drinking/self harm over it and i feel suicidal and if im not that im jealous to the point of nearly throwing up or i feel ~nothing~ like i dont feel good or bad or numb or anything and i Dont Know what to do && i keep getting Manipulative thoughts nd take them out on myself i feel SO STUCK idk :(

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, I can really relate to mood depending on a SO and I know it can cause such incredible inner turmoil. I am sorry you are dealing with this. You are NOT  alone. I don’t know when this ask was sent in because I have not been on this blog for a great amount of time but I hope you have found some peace. Please feel free to send another ask if you see this. I would love an update on hour you are. Just remember that though it is difficult, being kind to ourselves is so vital. Try and take small steps. Maybe when you start feeling this way take a shower, or watch a show that makes you feel good. I know these are not solutions but sometimes they can help distract us enough to let some of the pain pass. 

Emma

[v-ent]

Hello! I’m going to start answering asks on here again. So feel free to send in anything you need to discuss ❤️

-Emma

[v-ent]

i cant see or be around children without wanting to cry. i dont know what traumatized me but i just know my childhood was stolen. and every time i see other kids i cant help but wonder if theyre okay, and i wish i could be small again.

most children wont be abused. you dont need to worry about them. im so sorry that you didnt get to be a child- maybe look into age regression?

- sleepy

[v-ent]

My birthday is on the 28th and that's also the day my dad gets out of jail, I'm already kinda upset over it but my mom keeps saying stuff like oh that's a good birthday present and stuff and she always talks about him even though she knows he makes me feel sick, is that okay for her to do?

thats not ok. idk what he did to be in jail but its obviously enough to upset you. does she know why hes in jail and why its upsetting for you? id try to avoid talking to her about it, and maybe tell her its upsetting if youre able.

- sleepy

[v-ent]

do you happen to have advice for a csa survivor on going to a gynecologist? or getting a pap smear? because im really panicking about this i don't wanna go but i think i might kind of be forced to and i dont know what to do

learn some soothing methods. the doctor wont do anything inappropriate, and if it makes you feel better you can take someone with you. try breathing exercises and maybe a fidget toy.

- sleepy

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I feel like I'm overreacting but I'm still feeling really gross about this when I was little I was playing outside and an older neighbor boy took me behind the row of houses and kissed me even after I told him I didn't want that ever since I panic a little when I think someone might kiss me and I've always felt so guilty about what happened is this cocsa??

yeah. he ignored that you didnt want to be touched. it doesnt need to be explicit actions to be cocsa, thats still abuse.

- sleepy

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my fp is toxic and i truly can't bring myself to end things. i blocked them from everything one time but they didn't even notice and acted nonchalant about me blocking them even though i'm "so important." they recently just started a fight w me and i've responded but of course they're going to ignore me for the next week. i know i have to end it but they're the only friend i have. i don't know what to do. i'm tired of being treated like this though.

the fact that you can acknowledge they are toxic is a good sign. you need to continue with that and try to block them again. i know its hard and what im saying is easier said than done, but an uneven relationship like that isnt worth pursuing.

- sleepy

[v-ent]

tw: sexual abuse and other sex stuff //// i've recently discovered my low sex drive once i finally was comfortable enough to explore my own body after what had happened. could my inability to "get it up" be connected to me suppressing my trauma? thank you

there are a lot of reasons you can have a low libido. it could be hormonal issues, depression and other mental illnesses, or trauma. id ask a doctor about it before jumping to conclusions.

- sleepy

[v-ent]

i have 100% 0 interest in boys romantically or sexually but i think bc of possible csa nd abandonment i have a thing for older men nd being abused nd i feel like such a fake lesbian idk how to deal w it bc i want older men to hurt me and use me and want me even tho i dont want them only to be abused and idk i hate it is it possible to be like this and still be lesbian????? i feel like i cant be nd i have to be bi when i dont like boys :(

theres a huge difference between actual attraction and feeling like you should be hurt or used. im gay but i still have thoughts like that about women because most of my abusers have been women. that doesnt make me less gay. if you dont like boys, you dont need to identify as bi just because of a reaction to trauma.

- sleepy

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Is it normal for me to immediately think that every adult that shows any bit of kindness too me also wants to rape me? I don't know why I'd think that I've never been raped only physically abused

i think anyone whos ever been abused tends to doubt the intentions of the people around them. thats a normal reaction.

- sleepy