vacker-jew-au - Tumblr blog

[vacker-jew-au]

Fitz is crying because he thinks he’s a bad person and Biana is sitting next to him giggling at the implication that most people need to repent for attending orgies

[vacker-jew-au]

How do you think that chamitz (חמץ) would work with elves? Because they don’t use flour as far as I’m aware there’s no wheat. Also, with kosher, would gnomes making food work? Would gnomes be kosher? Are the classic candies we see in the series kosher? If they’re dairy, are they chalav yisroel? Headcanon with me please! And message me so we can figure these things out together :)

(- @keeper-of-the-jew-jew )

Love you guys ❤️

So, I know for a fact that mallowmelt contains chamitz because we got the recipe around Passover one year and I was disappointed that it wasn't kosher for Passover. I assume elves have wheat but I guess there isn't any canon proof? That I remember, I know nothing about canon. I am now consulting the wiki.

They apparently have a lot of sort of cakes and pastries, which I would assume contain chamitz, because they usually taste like shit when they don't. Citation: I had kosher-for-passover brownies one year for my birthday. That was a mistake.

Gnomes making food... I assume that would work as long as it was in a kosher kitchen! I don't 100% remember all the rules for a kosher kitchen but the main thing is no milk and meat, yeah? Elves don't eat meat so I doubt that would be a problem.

Other species could eat meat, so if gnomes prepare food for other species (maybe goblins?? idk if goblins are vegetarian) there would have to be separate kitchens for it to be kosher.

Are... are gnomes kosher? As in... could we eat gnomes? I was going to say they don't have cleft hooves/chew cud but those are the rules for mammals and are gnomes even mammals? Are they plants? Are they something else? Panakes leaves are edible but would they be kosher? (side note: since they have healing purposes, if you were in danger you'd have to eat them regardless of whether it's kosher.) Would it be different if you were trying to eat a gnome still in gnome form? WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL IS A GNOME? I am so curious what have you done to me-

I assume the KOTLC candies wouldn't contain any gelatin because they're, again, vegetarian. Then again, my vegetarian friend eats gelatin candy because it's definitely different from eating a whole-ass dead animal, you know? So I don't know if elves would be okay with gelatin.

Anyway those are my (gay-otlc's) thoughts, I seriously need an answer to the gnome question what the FUCK

[vacker-jew-au]

The Vackers are wishing you a freilechin Chanukah, good latkes, lots of gelt, and time with the people you love.

[vacker-jew-au]

Chapter 2: Fuck Livvy But Like In A Different Way

Summary: Livvy is such a good parent for the Vackers, but the kids aren’t the only reason she stuck around.

Or

Livvy is a little over the top in getting Della to go on a date with her

XxX

✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈

It was late, but unpacking seemed to take even longer than packing had. Not even half of the boxes were empty yet. All Della wanted was to collapse on the bed she apparently now shared with Livvy, but she kept emptying the boxes. It still didn’t feel entirely real that she’d moved.

So much had already happened that night. They leaped all the boxes over. They started to decorate the kids’ room. They quickly realized Della couldn’t share a room with the two little monsters. So, awkwardly stumbling around like the teenagers they were the last time they spent a night together, they came to the conclusion she would sleep in Livvy’s bed, with Livvy. Though Livvy apologized over and over they both knew it was okay, in fact, a small voice whispered that it was much more than just okay, Della shook it off.

And that’s how the two of them wound up sprawled on the couches, half unpacked boxes open all around them, laughing about their school days. Despite being high off a lack of sleep and a tad flustered, Della was having a great time.

“You remember how,” Della giggled, “Oralie and I were so close-” she coughed “-and practically dating, but!”

Livvy smiled, because, wow she’s so cute when she laughs, and Della grinned back because Livvy was listening and patient while she took a minute to breathe.

“She never even noticed,” Della finally said. “I gave her crush cuffs and she still didn’t know we were dating! I mean, I’m a disaster bisexual, so I know about obliviousness, but that’s kind of taking it to a whole new level.”

Livvy laughed. “She’s aroace, love, it was nothing against you.” She froze. “Shoot, I outed her, shoot!”

To be perfectly honest, Della had barely noticed everything else Livvy said, focusing instead on the endearment. She called me “love.” Love, that thing I promised myself I wouldn’t fall into, but already I have. Panicking, she brushed the thought aside and tried to concentrate on the conversation. “It’s okay, I know you didn’t mean to, I haven’t even spoken to her in years. I’ll just forget about it, okay?”

“Okay,” Livvy agreed, nodding. “So, now that you’ve dumped Alden- good riddance, by the way, he sucks- are you interested in dating anyone else?”

Like maybe me? She continued silently.

Della choked on her water and fought down a blush. “Um… I don’t think I will for a while? But you?” as in I want to date you, but I can't think that. She wouldn’t want to, would she?

Livvy frowned. Della’s answer was too panicked, too quick. Did she know that Livvy was trying to flirt with her? Probably, and she wasn’t interested. “I don’t know… maybe,” she muttered. “I mean, I kind of like a girl, but… I don’t think she likes me back.”

“Oh no, that sucks. To be honest? Me too,” Della looked away.

“Um… bedtime?” Livvy asked. Della nodded.

The next morning Biana poked Fitz until he woke up, “finally! Fitz, Mom is cuddling with Livvy!!”

“Shhh!” He hissed, “You're gonna wake them up.”

“Oh shit,” Biana whispered. Fitz punched her lightly.

✡️✡️✡️

Biana and Livvy quickly became close, in fact, they were so close that Biana started to think of her as a second mom. Fitz loved her too, Alden never had time for him, but Livvy? She taught him how to play Bramble, practiced Tae Kwon Do with him, helped him with baking because she noticed his ever-growing love of it. Fitz loved baking with his two moms, and he couldn’t help but notice the long looks and gentle touches they exchanged.

“Boop!” Della giggled, touching Livvy’s nose with flour on her fingertips. Livvy swatted her hand away and wiped her nose on Della’s cheek.

“Ha! Who’s the flour girl now?” Livvy grinned.

Whether she intended to or not Livvy had quickly become the parent Alden never was. It was nearly two months later when Della and the kids finally moved out and there was no question of whether Livvy would stay in their lives.

Even so, both kids were disappointed that Livvy wasn’t spending nearly as much time with them. She came over for dinner a few nights a week, but she wasn’t just down the hall when Biana had a nightmare, and she couldn’t help Fitz with his homework whenever he needed it.

Still, the kids cherished the time they had with Livvy, even if it wasn’t as often. Because it had started to interfere with Della’s work schedule, and Livvy took an interest in learning about the family’s religion, she agreed to take them to Hebrew school.

While they were on their way, Livvy’s tone turned from laughing about Fitz’s dramatic retelling of his best friend’s Great Gulon Incident to more serious. “Kids, I’m going to tell you a secret, but you have to promise you won’t tell your mom. Like, pinky promise.”

Fitz and Biana nodded solemnly and took turns pinky promising her.

“Alright, here goes. I have a crush on your mom and I want to ask if she’ll date me.”

Although neither of them were particularly surprised, Fitz and Biana exchanged excited glances. “I bet Mom will say yes!” Biana piped up. “She sometimes acts like she has a crush on you too!”

Livvy blushed. “Maybe. I hope so. But anyway, I know being Jewish is very special to you and your mom, so I want to make that a part of how I ask her out. And I don’t know a whole lot about Judaism yet, so I wanted to know if you two could help me.”

“Tu B’Av is coming soon,” Fitz suggested. “It’s kind of like the Jewish version of Valentine’s Day. Maybe you could do something then?”

“Okay, so, kiddos, are you down to help me plan?”

Biana squealed a loud “Yes!! Oh my goshhhh!!!”

And so plotting commenced. Tu B’av was on Sunday, a day the kids often visited, and they quickly figured out that the living room was a great dance floor if you moved the couches out of the way. Fitz found a recipe for rugelach and debated the best way to make them heart-shaped, individually or as a pull-apart type dish?

Biana was put on strawberry-dipping duty, the best she could do in the kitchen. She was a pro at decorating even then, so she helped Livvy with the living room. There were a couple bouquets of pink roses and lavender and the table looked better than any caterer could make it.

✡️✡️✡️

When Della finally arrived, Livvy was in the kitchen, she was scared, sweating. Biana pushed her into the living room, gave her a thumbs up and stage-whispered “You got this!” Della had no idea what was going on, and the assortment of flowers and heart shaped rugelach added to the confusion.

“Livvy?”

“Della- I- okay.”

“Liv?” Della asked, concerned

Livvy swallowed. “Um… tu b’av sameach?”

“Tu b’av sameach,” Della replied tentatively, smiling, scared to guess what she was about to say.

“Della, I love you so much, and I love your children and I love being with you. I want- Della, I want to be yours. I want you to be mine. I just….”

Della takes Livvy’s face and pulls her in, kissing her gently, but forcefully.

“You better not be joking,” she whispers against Livvy’s lips, feeling like a teenager, she really shouldn’t question this.

“Does this look like a joke?” Livvy grinned, pulling back and showing her the room.

“Liv, this is- this is amazing.”

Livvy beamed.

“Wait, where are the monsters?” Della asked.

A little hand poked out from the kitchen doorway, pressing play on the phone Livvy had set up for music.

“Hi, Mom,” Biana grinned.

“Bye, Mama, Mom,” Fitz smiled behind her. “We’re going to Keefe’s.” They stood in the backyard and waved as they leaped.

The song faded and a new one began. Della recognized it immediately.

“Love of my life.”

Livvy pretended to continue the sentence, “dance with me?”

And then they were standing chest to chest swaying.

Love of my life, you've hurt me

You've broken my heart, and now you leave me

They stepped back and forth, neither sure exactly how to dance with another woman.

When I grow older

I will be there at your side to remind you

How I still love you

Livvy spun Della out and as she dipped low crooned, “I still love you.”

Della tilted her head up and kissed her. Suddenly they weren’t dancing so much as kissing while standing in the middle of the room.

“Oh, Liv…..”

Livvy pulled Della with her to sit at the table. “Rugellach?” she offered. Della took one happily and laughed when she realized it was shaped like a heart.

“This is wonderful, Liv.”

“You’re wonderful,” Livvy replied, and Della blushed.

“How did you know about Tu B’av?” she asked, slightly breathless after they kissed again. “I didn’t think you knew much about Judaism.”

“I don’t,” admitted Livvy. “Your kids suggested it when I was picking them up from Hebrew school. I said I wanted to do something Jewish and romantic for you and they told me about it. Though I do want to learn more about Judaism so I can celebrate with you and your family.”

Della teared up a little, thinking about the contrast between Livvy and Alden. Thinking about the way she loved Livvy, loved her kids, Keefe, Grady, Edaline, her old mentors, the Rabbi.

“Today truly is a day for love.”

[vacker-jew-au]

Chapter 2: Fuck Livvy But Like In A Different Way

Summary: Livvy is such a good parent for the Vackers, but the kids aren’t the only reason she stuck around.

Or

Livvy is a little over the top in getting Della to go on a date with her

XxX

✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈✡️🏳️‍🌈

It was late, but unpacking seemed to take even longer than packing had. Not even half of the boxes were empty yet. All Della wanted was to collapse on the bed she apparently now shared with Livvy, but she kept emptying the boxes. It still didn’t feel entirely real that she’d moved.

So much had already happened that night. They leaped all the boxes over. They started to decorate the kids’ room. They quickly realized Della couldn’t share a room with the two little monsters. So, awkwardly stumbling around like the teenagers they were the last time they spent a night together, they came to the conclusion she would sleep in Livvy’s bed, with Livvy. Though Livvy apologized over and over they both knew it was okay, in fact, a small voice whispered that it was much more than just okay, Della shook it off.

And that’s how the two of them wound up sprawled on the couches, half unpacked boxes open all around them, laughing about their school days. Despite being high off a lack of sleep and a tad flustered, Della was having a great time.

“You remember how,” Della giggled, “Oralie and I were so close-” she coughed “-and practically dating, but!”

Livvy smiled, because, wow she’s so cute when she laughs, and Della grinned back because Livvy was listening and patient while she took a minute to breathe.

“She never even noticed,” Della finally said. “I gave her crush cuffs and she still didn’t know we were dating! I mean, I’m a disaster bisexual, so I know about obliviousness, but that’s kind of taking it to a whole new level.”

Livvy laughed. “She’s aroace, love, it was nothing against you.” She froze. “Shoot, I outed her, shoot!”

To be perfectly honest, Della had barely noticed everything else Livvy said, focusing instead on the endearment. She called me “love.” Love, that thing I promised myself I wouldn’t fall into, but already I have. Panicking, she brushed the thought aside and tried to concentrate on the conversation. “It’s okay, I know you didn’t mean to, I haven’t even spoken to her in years. I’ll just forget about it, okay?”

“Okay,” Livvy agreed, nodding. “So, now that you’ve dumped Alden- good riddance, by the way, he sucks- are you interested in dating anyone else?”

Like maybe me? She continued silently.

Della choked on her water and fought down a blush. “Um… I don’t think I will for a while? But you?” as in I want to date you, but I can't think that. She wouldn’t want to, would she?

Livvy frowned. Della’s answer was too panicked, too quick. Did she know that Livvy was trying to flirt with her? Probably, and she wasn’t interested. “I don’t know… maybe,” she muttered. “I mean, I kind of like a girl, but… I don’t think she likes me back.”

“Oh no, that sucks. To be honest? Me too,” Della looked away.

“Um… bedtime?” Livvy asked. Della nodded.

The next morning Biana poked Fitz until he woke up, “finally! Fitz, Mom is cuddling with Livvy!!”

“Shhh!” He hissed, “You're gonna wake them up.”

“Oh shit,” Biana whispered. Fitz punched her lightly.

✡️✡️✡️

Biana and Livvy quickly became close, in fact, they were so close that Biana started to think of her as a second mom. Fitz loved her too, Alden never had time for him, but Livvy? She taught him how to play Bramble, practiced Tae Kwon Do with him, helped him with baking because she noticed his ever-growing love of it. Fitz loved baking with his two moms, and he couldn’t help but notice the long looks and gentle touches they exchanged.

“Boop!” Della giggled, touching Livvy’s nose with flour on her fingertips. Livvy swatted her hand away and wiped her nose on Della’s cheek.

“Ha! Who’s the flour girl now?” Livvy grinned.

Whether she intended to or not Livvy had quickly become the parent Alden never was. It was nearly two months later when Della and the kids finally moved out and there was no question of whether Livvy would stay in their lives.

Even so, both kids were disappointed that Livvy wasn’t spending nearly as much time with them. She came over for dinner a few nights a week, but she wasn’t just down the hall when Biana had a nightmare, and she couldn’t help Fitz with his homework whenever he needed it.

Still, the kids cherished the time they had with Livvy, even if it wasn’t as often. Because it had started to interfere with Della’s work schedule, and Livvy took an interest in learning about the family’s religion, she agreed to take them to Hebrew school.

While they were on their way, Livvy’s tone turned from laughing about Fitz’s dramatic retelling of his best friend’s Great Gulon Incident to more serious. “Kids, I’m going to tell you a secret, but you have to promise you won’t tell your mom. Like, pinky promise.”

Fitz and Biana nodded solemnly and took turns pinky promising her.

“Alright, here goes. I have a crush on your mom and I want to ask if she’ll date me.”

Although neither of them were particularly surprised, Fitz and Biana exchanged excited glances. “I bet Mom will say yes!” Biana piped up. “She sometimes acts like she has a crush on you too!”

Livvy blushed. “Maybe. I hope so. But anyway, I know being Jewish is very special to you and your mom, so I want to make that a part of how I ask her out. And I don’t know a whole lot about Judaism yet, so I wanted to know if you two could help me.”

“Tu B’Av is coming soon,” Fitz suggested. “It’s kind of like the Jewish version of Valentine’s Day. Maybe you could do something then?”

“Okay, so, kiddos, are you down to help me plan?”

Biana squealed a loud “Yes!! Oh my goshhhh!!!”

And so plotting commenced. Tu B’av was on Sunday, a day the kids often visited, and they quickly figured out that the living room was a great dance floor if you moved the couches out of the way. Fitz found a recipe for rugelach and debated the best way to make them heart-shaped, individually or as a pull-apart type dish?

Biana was put on strawberry-dipping duty, the best she could do in the kitchen. She was a pro at decorating even then, so she helped Livvy with the living room. There were a couple bouquets of pink roses and lavender and the table looked better than any caterer could make it.

✡️✡️✡️

When Della finally arrived, Livvy was in the kitchen, she was scared, sweating. Biana pushed her into the living room, gave her a thumbs up and stage-whispered “You got this!” Della had no idea what was going on, and the assortment of flowers and heart shaped rugelach added to the confusion.

“Livvy?”

“Della- I- okay.”

“Liv?” Della asked, concerned

Livvy swallowed. “Um… tu b’av sameach?”

“Tu b’av sameach,” Della replied tentatively, smiling, scared to guess what she was about to say.

“Della, I love you so much, and I love your children and I love being with you. I want- Della, I want to be yours. I want you to be mine. I just….”

Della takes Livvy’s face and pulls her in, kissing her gently, but forcefully.

“You better not be joking,” she whispers against Livvy’s lips, feeling like a teenager, she really shouldn’t question this.

“Does this look like a joke?” Livvy grinned, pulling back and showing her the room.

“Liv, this is- this is amazing.”

Livvy beamed.

“Wait, where are the monsters?” Della asked.

A little hand poked out from the kitchen doorway, pressing play on the phone Livvy had set up for music.

“Hi, Mom,” Biana grinned.

“Bye, Mama, Mom,” Fitz smiled behind her. “We’re going to Keefe’s.” They stood in the backyard and waved as they leaped.

The song faded and a new one began. Della recognized it immediately.

“Love of my life.”

Livvy pretended to continue the sentence, “dance with me?”

And then they were standing chest to chest swaying.

Love of my life, you've hurt me

You've broken my heart, and now you leave me

They stepped back and forth, neither sure exactly how to dance with another woman.

When I grow older

I will be there at your side to remind you

How I still love you

Livvy spun Della out and as she dipped low crooned, “I still love you.”

Della tilted her head up and kissed her. Suddenly they weren’t dancing so much as kissing while standing in the middle of the room.

“Oh, Liv…..”

Livvy pulled Della with her to sit at the table. “Rugellach?” she offered. Della took one happily and laughed when she realized it was shaped like a heart.

“This is wonderful, Liv.”

“You’re wonderful,” Livvy replied, and Della blushed.

“How did you know about Tu B’av?” she asked, slightly breathless after they kissed again. “I didn’t think you knew much about Judaism.”

“I don’t,” admitted Livvy. “Your kids suggested it when I was picking them up from Hebrew school. I said I wanted to do something Jewish and romantic for you and they told me about it. Though I do want to learn more about Judaism so I can celebrate with you and your family.”

Della teared up a little, thinking about the contrast between Livvy and Alden. Thinking about the way she loved Livvy, loved her kids, Keefe, Grady, Edaline, her old mentors, the Rabbi.

“Today truly is a day for love.”

[vacker-jew-au]

gays, i have an important question:

are you a sword gay, knife gay, battle axe gay, or a bow n arrow gay

[vacker-jew-au]

Jewish Elwin

I just think it would be neat, okay?

One time when Sophie was really sick and he had to stay in the Healing Center it was Hanukah

He can’t light the candles, because for some reason fire is super strictly not allowed in any hospitals

So he uses his Flasher skills and makes little balls of light on his Menorah to light up the dark

Sophie is Jewish too 👁👁

They sing classic niggunim and also like… Shwecky at each other

Elwin is a staunch believer in Tikun Olam

That’s why he became a doctor

He’s otd, but he loves his culture

He’s gay, and there was some (read: tons of) trauma there

He is this guy

(Fun fact, I met them)

He does Shabbat with the Vackers a lot

Keefe converts after being adopted, and Elwin has a really hard time sorting his emotions about it

On one hand, he wants in on the culture! He cares so much!

On the other, he isn’t religious, and it’s still hard to push and remember that reform conversion is valid

Keefe is always so surprised when people ask if he’s Jewish. (He looks like a white Jew, okay?)

Elwin is just,,,, he’s so obviously a Jew?

The end <3

Tag list?: @gay-otlc @jam-is-my-food @silver-snow @catamelon @gayotlc @cadence-talle (you started this) @everyonehasthoughts @vacker-jew-au

[vacker-jew-au]

untoasted, toasted, burnt 🍞

[vacker-jew-au]

All of the main girls in KOTLC are dating each other and also all the main boys are dating each other and some of the girls are dating some of the boys. The entire keeper squad is just a big old polycule, except for Wylie who is too old for them and also aroace so he’s the elected group dad. It’s not a new take, but it’s a correct one so I’m just saying it again for the class

[vacker-jew-au]

Hello my Quaen (shitty ae/aer honorifics my beloved), I would like to ask for jewish Prentice+family? So like, Prentice, Wylie, Cyrah, and Tiergan. (signed, @gaykotlc, which is me. I am just anonymous because gaykotlc is not my main)

QUAEN MY BELOVED

(Every time I see your url I get confused as FUCK because that's me isn't it? When did I send this ask? I don't recall sending myself an ask about Jewish Prentice- oh wait there's a letter difference.)

I have Thoughts™ about Wylie's Bar Mitzvah

Actually I still love genderqueer Wylie so... Wylie's B'nei Mitzvah, I guess.

Anyway, I can't remember how old Wylie was canonically when Cyrah died, but I'm going to go with like... thirteen-fourteen ish.

So Cyrah died shortly after Wylie's B'nei Mitzvah but she was alive for it, at least

Yay?

Wylie (and Tiergan and Cyrah) were really upset that Prentice wasn't able to be at their B'nei Mitzvah though

And after Prentice was healed Wylie decided to have another sort of ceremony that Prentice could attend, even though it wasn't actually their B'nei Mitzvah.

Wylie's Hebrew name is לִיאוֹר (Lior)

Why? It's a gender neutral Hebrew name that I considered before deciding on Shai.

But also, it means "my light," which works because Wylie is a flasher. Also, it's a nice name.

Hebrew names are typically formatted as [Name], son/daughter/child of [father's name] and [mother's name], and that's the name used when people are called up to the Torah and whatnot

So imagine their Rabbi using Prentice's name, Cyrah's name, and Tiergan's name for Wylie's parents.

Imagining that gives me happy chemicals. :)

Tiergan's Haftorah for xyr Bar Mitzvah was Machar Chodesh, the gayest Haftorah

(It was also, coincidentally, my Haftorah)

Wylie lighting Yartzite(?????) candles for their parents

Tiergan doing the spouse mourning rituals for Prentice even though they weren't tEcHnIcAlLy married

I do not think there are mourning rituals for metamors so idk what he would have done for Cyrah

Anyway this is kind of depressing

On a happier note, their favorite holiday to celebrate together is Sukkot

They really like building the sukkah together and decorating it

Cyrah's favorite holiday is Tu B'shavat (the tree holiday)

I am a horrible person I'm so sorry

But it is genuinely a nice holiday and she likes eating the fun elf fruits

Tiergan loves Shabbat, and he always does the cooking for Shabbat dinners

Prentice really likes Rosh Hashanah. He plays shofar really well.

(Tiergan always times his tekiah gadolahs)

Wylie's favorite is Purim, it's a fun celebration and hamentaschen taste good

Anyway this is getting rEALLY long so I'm going to shut up but I love this headcanon so much thank you

[vacker-jew-au]

On the squads groupchat

Linh: happy Hanukah you guys!

Biana: I like chanukah cuz we get presents

Keefe: same, your mom gives me hanuka gifts too and-

Fitz: Well I don't like chanuka because I don't like the hating on greek mythology

Sophie: true, but chanukkah

Biana: I like hanükka cuz latkes

Tam: I don't like it cuz it's loud

Marella: I like janukkah because of the candles

Keefe: I don't like haunooka because it's always really cold out

Fitz: I like januca because there are a lot of special foods, like doughnuts!!!

Biana: I don't like hannnükkahh because you can spell it in too many ways

[vacker-jew-au]

biana energy

look me in the eyes and say this isn't della

is this alvar or fitz?

nvm is this alvar or alden?

Israeli Vackers

[vacker-jew-au]

Jewish people are the only ones who are allowed to make technically antisemetic conspiracy theory jokes, and Fitz takes this to heart. Fitz complains about the weather and blames it on The Lizard People, but the one time his friend made that joke he almost didn’t stop Biana from punching them.

-sam

[vacker-jew-au]

Chapter One: Alden Sucks

Our first oneshot centers around Alden being an anti-semetic asshole! Credit goes to @we-wont-dissapear, @gay-otlc, and @hyperlollypop. You can read it on ao3 or keep reading below the cut. Hope you enjoy!

Taglist: @cadence-talle @jam-is-my-food

“Why do they need to miss school for this? Della, you’re ruining their education. This-” Alden gestured at the open shul door, “-is worthless. I just don’t get it.”

“Is that my fault? Alden, you just aren’t a believer, it’s fine, but you can’t stop us from being faithful.”

Biana wandered over, “Mama? When is shul over? Shira asked me to play with her after. Can I go?”

Della pulled Biana onto her lap and Biana fiddled with the purple fabric of her dress. “Half an hour, baby. And if Shira’s mothers say yes, then you can go over after the kiddush.” 

Alden shook his head. “No. Biana, you have to come home and work on the school work that you’ve missed. Besides, I don’t want you spending any more time with…” he gestured again at the shul. “These people than you have to.”

“But… I like Shira, she’s my friend,” Biana pouted. “Her moms said I could eat lunch there, and, and she just got a baby banshee. I want to play with her.”

“Too bad,” Alden said firmly. “Them being Jewish is bad enough, but now you’re telling me you want to go to a house with lesbians? I won’t allow you to corrupt her like that,” Alden said, looking at Della with venom in his glare.

Della stood pulling Biana to rest on her waist, safely away from her angry husband. She walked away from him, stopping outside the main sanctuary. “Baby,” she said to Biana, “They are good people, I love them, Hashem loves them, and I think you should sleep over there tonight. I… need to talk with daddy, okay?”

“If Bi’s sleeping over at Shira’s, can I sleep over with Keefe?” Fitz asked enthusiastically.

 Della turned around, surprised, “Hey, sweetie, I didn’t hear you come over, I was about to ask you if you wanted to, so of course, just remember to ask them nicely, love.”

“Yes, Mama,” Fitz grinned before running off to a quiet corner to hail Keefe.

For the rest of the service, Della devoted her attention only to praying, ignoring Alden every time he spoke, and he did keep speaking. Fifteen minutes later, he stormed outside, claiming that he “wouldn’t participate in this madness.” 

Good, thought Della, you are only making this worse for my lovely babies. You are only hurting this shul, and only making our relationship harder… Why am I even with him anymore? She thought bitterly, Wait. Why am I?

Although part of her hurt to think it, by the time the service was over, she’d reached a decision: Della would be divorcing Alden. She could swear that He had helped her get there, and she never looked back on that moment without a positive feeling, never worse than bittersweet.

After services ended Della found her children. “Darlings,” she began, her forehead wrinkled slightly as she tried to find the right words.

“Mom, what’s wrong?” Fitz asked, he could always read her.

“Well…” she began, then she paused. “I have bad news, but in the long run, I think it’ll be good news. Your father and I… we’re going to get a divorce.”

Biana smiled, which worried Della. So did Fitz, which Della understood, she saw what Alden was like to him, even when she intervened. More than anything, she wished she could undo her decision to have stayed with Alden for so many years, but she would leave now. She would leave him. And she would protect her babies like a mother should, like she should have for all these years.

✡️✡️✡️

“Alden.”

“In my office, sweetie!” Alden yelled, there was an edge to his voice, sweet yet condescending, you are an object, and as dumb as one too, it whispered, and she did not like it.

Della pushed open the door without knocking. “Don’t call me that, you son of a-”

“Darling, the kids will hear.”

“‘The kids’ are at their friends’, and we,” she took a deep breath, “We’re going to talk.”

The paperwork was filed after Shabbat. Every time Della signed something, she felt a strong sense of satisfaction. She was reminded over and over that it was the right thing, like when Alden handed over custody without a fight. He doesn’t care about any of us, and he hates our traditions, she thought, she was right.

“You have one week to get out.” One week to find a home. One week to pack it all up. One week she was still in his house. One week he was still near her children.

Alden owned the house. When they got married he had money, Della did not. Even though she had a job, Della still didn’t have much. So she decided to reach out to an old friend. 

Livvy Sonden was Della’s best friend from Foxfire, she got divorced a year before after realizing her lesbianism, but when Della asked if she had heard of any open apartments or cheap houses that she could move into, she was not intending to move in on Thursday. But they couldn’t find any listings, and they only had a week.

And she was gorgeous, so Della said yes, and she told her daily how incredibly grateful she was. In fact, it was in her speech for her wedding, though when and to whom are both things we can’t yet tell you.

We can tell you, however, that all of the Vackers were much happier now that Alden was gone. They were free from him, free to practice their religion without rude comments, free to be themselves, free.

[vacker-jew-au]

The first oneshot is going to come out tonight! We’re excited for you to see it, if you want to be added to our tag list, please let us know!

[vacker-jew-au]

fuck alden? fuck alden.

[vacker-jew-au]

So am I! I also go to a Yeshiva, we decided to make them Reform so that we could keep a bit of canon compliance, but I’m not sure how much is going to make it in irhihiervheiurghekdfh. I can send you the link for the doc if you want, I also tried to send you the link to join this side blog, but I don’t know if you got it...

- Sam

Hey, Kotlc fandom, are you ready for Jewish!Vackers?

@we-wont-dissapear and @gay-otlc are writing this au together, other keeper jews, please tell us your headcanons!

tagging: @everyonehasthoughts @cadence-talle @linhamon-roll @hyperlollypop @imaramennoodle @an-absolute-travesty