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Quitting Jongin, bye. 

[vagusjongin-blog]

{'After hearing about the other's accident through some logal people, he figured he couldn't just not visit, though they had never been too close, despite them "hating" each other, there might have been a little piece of him that was worried and actually cared, however he brushed it off as it being nothing more than curiosity; he was curious how the other was doing, that's all. He stopped in front of the big intimidating building, an uncomfortable feeling pooling in the pit of his stomach, he had absolutely no good memories with this place. After taking a deep breath, he finally walked in, hands clenching into fists, nails digging into palms.} 

αмσя єт σ∂íυм

{’ Sunny, yet cold. He let out a sigh and looked out the window from his bed, with a rather small frown plastered on his face. He wanted to go out, but he couldn’t. He had to stay inside because he was starting to get headaches, and he had to rest more. He reached for the remote that was on the table next to him and clicked the power button. That’s when the television turned on, and that’s when he started flipping through the channels. Still, nothing was good, so he ended up turning off the television and set the remote back on the table. He sighed and laid back down, with the blanket covering his entire body.} I hope someone comes visit soon because this is boring..

[vagusjongin-blog]

 'And you think I haven't thought of that?' he asked after listening to the other's words. 'He might end up hating me for killing myself, he might tell me he never loved me, he might tell me he fell for someone else instead, he might give me all the wrong answers but either way I have to just hope he will give me the right answers so we can both move on together, if not I will have to move on without him..' his words trailed off at the thought of it, not liking it at all. 

He sighed as he stared ahead, hands forming into fists and nails digging into his palm. After a few seconds he let his eyes wander over to the male in front of him, a frown apparent on his face. 'Either way, I'm going to search for him, no matter what you tell me.' he mumbled, taking the other's words as if he was purposely trying for him to stop searching for the one he loves, and not liking that idea at all. 

"Fine." Dongwoo nodded reaching for coffee. "I think it’s possible you can feel if he is somewhere on the earth or not." he thought about it deeply, at least he hoped that’s the truth. "Feeling at peace it’s the most important thing for souls. That’s why sinners work for it in the Underworld. To finally met the peace." he licked his lips after drinking a sip. "But… what if his answers won’t be what you want to hear?" Dongwoo couldn’t let go this subject yet. "What if after getting them you will get furious and will never find a peace? Love is a dangerous thing, it likes to go it’s own path and peace is something that never comes along. It’s partner is more likely a passion - which sometimes means war, sometimes nirvana… but never peace. I would say friendship is a peace’s friend." he smiled at his theory. He liked to make things like this up. They made sense to him and he felt like understanding more and more.

"It’s not like I don’t want you to find him or find your peace. I don’t know you, I can’t care less about what will happen to you… but I would like to know your answers and how you see things. Being able to meet a bothered soul on earth it’s something… totally new and strange for me. So it’s also thrilling." he sipped coffee again, nodding. "I hope you don’t mind my curiosity."

[vagusjongin-blog]

He wasn't quite sure why he was acting this way, visibly shaking and unable to even let any words escape his lips, though he figured it was because he'd been searching for the younger so long, some even told him he had to give up because there wasn't a point to it anymore anyway, and he was about to, but now he still found him and he was actually right. Even Sehun clung to the past, he cared enough to cling onto the past and search for him. Sehun actually did wait for him-- or so he hoped. 

As the other retreated to look at him, he let out a soft, shaky but content sigh. His fingers curled around the material of the other's shirt on his back, clawing at it as if to make sure he wouldn't leave again. The corners of his lips turned up into a slight smile. 'I missed you too, a lot.' he mumbled softly, voice trailing off as he stared back at the younger.

Lost, Forgotten and Found

Sehun wrapped his arms around Jongin’s neck in return and pulled him closer if that was even possible. He tried though and he nuzzled his nose against the other’s head. Jongin was shaking and he hoped it was from happiness and not something else. “I missed you too,” he whispered in the man’s ear. Sehun didn’t want to let go but he needed to see his face again so he pulled back and looked. He ran his hand through Jongin’s hair and he smiled. “I missed you so much, Jongin…”

[vagusjongin-blog]

And I think the first sign you notice when you begin to gain feelings towards a person, is just how easily you get jealous when they give others the attention which you crave.

Unknown (via exoticwild)

[vagusjongin-blog]

(I miss those times where Jongin was still alive, and he and his boyfriend were still a happily fighting couple, when I was illiterate as fuck and didn't care about anything and I tortured Jongin like every day, and I could casually reblog horror and gore and things irrelevant to my muse and he still had friends who cared about him and I still actually loved roleplaying.. and didn't lose inspiration and wrote self para's every night--)

[vagusjongin-blog]

Goodbye

Night time, not a single star to be found in the sky as he sat outside in the tree house he build with Sehun months ago, somewhere he liked sitting whenever his head was flooded with thoughts. Today being one of those days as everything got too much, too many things happened and all at once leaving him with his mind completely stuffed, which was a suffocating feeling, mainly because he felt like this for days maybe even weeks already.

Not only that but adding to all the shit was the fact that he had been getting more and more nightmares, nearly every single day but he never told anyone about them, he knew they would send him to get himself checked and he knew how he would end up if that happened so he kept it all to himself. Every night, when everyone was asleep he’d crawl out of bed, leaving the younger he loved so much there alone for a while and he’d either scream, cry or hurt himself in order to get rid of the frustration. He would wake up from the nightmares, completely confused about whether it was reality or a dream and in order to find out he would try all kinds of methods. 

Another day full of shit had passed and Jongin was starting to get more and more tired, both physically and mentally. The bags under his eyes would get even worse, everything would get worse. His health too. Though he knew what was going to come afterwards he decided to sleep it off. Not one bit of rest he would get as he woke up at least 4 times due to all the nightmares. 

"2:04 AM" the clock said when he woke up again, tears streaming down his face as he once again got caught in a terrible nightmare. He shot up and his eyes scanned around the room, but the same pictures as in his nightmare were still there even though it was reality. He panicked. He wasn’t even able to seek comfort by Sehun who was laying next to him as he hadn’t even noticed the younger. He stormed out of bed, his fingers tangling in his hair and tugging at it, trying to see if he could feel anything. He could, but he didn’t notice as he was completely panicking. 

He had stormed towards the bathroom, nearly knocking over all his packed bags in the process. He screamed, and hit the mirror with his fist upon reaching the bathroom, — the mirror breaking into a million pieces — to find out if he could feel it but due all the panicking he just couldn’t. His head was flooding with thoughts and images, he went insane. He felt like it was all still a nightmare, it wasn’t reality. 

The minutes after that went by fast, he had crouched down and grabbed a big piece of glass. It was like a deja-vu. He brought the sharp object to his neck, the tip of it digging into the skin and slowly he dragged it over to the other side, making a cut along his neck. Blood, lot’s off blood was what he saw. It dripped down onto the ground, it seemed like it was crawling in between the shattered glass. More blood. And more. Then his sight started getting blurry, more and more.

Eventually it became all silent and his sight became completely dark, and then he let out one last breath.

[vagusjongin-blog]

Mistake

Idiot, he had thought of himself as he was still seated on the couch. He had probably pissed off Sehun who had been mad at him earlier that day for being stupid too. He wondered if it surprised Sehun at all, since it was definitely not the first time such a thing happened, maybe the younger had already gotten used to Jongin’s stupid behavior. Either way, it bugged him. If not the fact that he had apparently pissed Sehun off, then it’d have to be the fact that he hadn’t heard an ‘I love you’ nor had he received one of their usual good night kisses. But just because of the last thing he was very sure that Sehun was either angry at him, or hurt because of him. He couldn’t remember saying anything rude or something that would possibly hurt Sehun, so it had to be the first option. He was angry, pissed. 

For some reason Jongin’s mind worked different than that of others, most people would apologize and make sure if wouldn’t happen again. Jongin was the kind of type that would get overly upset about it and do even more stupid things to cover it up, making everything worse than it was before. Let’s say this was one of those moments he would do those kind of things. 

The reason why Sehun was mad at him, it was very clear and he knew all about it, yet he couldn’t get himself not to do it anymore. It had become a habit, when feeling bad or when being bored he just did those things. To him it didn’t matter anymore, he had lost all his self respect already anyway. Sehun had been right, he hardly had any self value, at all. He couldn’t help but feel disgusting whenever looking at himself. 

Most people had certain events or certain words that would trigger them to do such thing, but what if the biggest trigger in your life is yourself?

He took a glass, filled it with some alcohol before leaving the house, he wasn’t going to leave Sehun alone or anything as he still wanted to be there, he sure as hell knew Sehun wasn’t a kid but who knows what might happen. He sneaked out through the front door, making his way over to the tree house he and Sehun had cleaned and been using once in a while. He climbed in carefully, trying not to spill his drink all over and sat himself down by the little opening which was supposed to be a “window”. Through that he could see everything in their bedroom, therefor he could look at Sehun too.

He brought the glass to his lips, gulping down everything in one shot and then throwing the glass down. Watching as it shattered and picking up the biggest piece of it. Al though he wanted to push up his sleeves, he was pretty sure there would hardly be any undamaged skin left. He let his eyes wander down his body, deciding to lift his shirt up and tugging it under his chin as he pressed his chin against his chest. Moving the sharp object to rest against his chest also, adding some pressure to it and slowly moving it from left to right. Cutting open the skin and watching as blood immediately trailed down his torso. He repeated the action a couple of more times. Strangely enough it gave him a good feeling, it hurt, but he liked the pain.

Why he thought it would be a good idea to hurt himself after being scolded for hurting himself, he was not sure. His mind just worked that way. It was as if whenever something bad happened, the only possible solution would be overshadowing it with something even worse. 

But of course he regretted ever doing it as soon as he had dropped the piece of glass on the ground and had looked over through the window to  see Sehun sleeping peacefully. He had even regretted ever living, not that he would consider leave. No matter how much he hated himself, he would stay because he had someone to stay for and he had someone who needed him to stay. It was enough for him, just that.

[vagusjongin-blog]

Salt and icecubes

Lately Jongin had found something new that gained his interest, although it wasn’t really something you could consider as a nice hobby, not that he had claimed it to be his hobby or anything, he’d just been interested in it and for some reason he enjoyed to do it. 

It wasn’t anything good and it only ruined his appearance more but he had reached the point where it was unable to hate himself more so it wouldn’t really matter what he did anymore, as long as he found some interest or entertainment in it then it would be good, or so he decided for himself.

Because he had been playing truth or dare with Chanhee some days ago and the younger had given him a dare, he had gotten interested in that particular thing he got dared to do. Apparently it was only a “challenge” people did, because it actually hurt like fuck but to Jongin it was something interesting and new, call him crazy but he liked such things, maybe a little too much.

Today was another of those days in which he was bored, Sehun wasn’t home and most of his friends were away or he just hadn’t talked to them in days, he was bored out of his wits. He had tried several methods to entertain himself but all of them had failed. Being his usual self he would just sit there and get lost in thoughts, which is how he remembered the dare Chanhee had given him some days back, the burn and bruise on his lower lip had almost disappeared, this time he would do it somewhere else of course, not as much in sight because people would comment about it. 

He had gotten himself some salt and ice cubes, which were pretty much all the things needed for it. He sat himself cross-legged on the couch and lifted the sleeve of his shirt, revealing his already badly damaged arms, where else was he supposed to do this? He took some of the salt and spread a bit of it on his arm, taking an ice cube and pressing it down on the salt. It seemed like a weird thing to do but as seconds flew by the salt slowly started crawling into his skin, making it burn and turn red. He kept the ice cube pressed against his skin until it almost completely melted. Wiping the water off his skin and looking down at the big red mark on his arm that was starting to turn blue already. It hurt a lot but he kind of liked the feeling. Therefor he repeated the same action a couple of times more until his arm was covered in red spots and bruises.

[vagusjongin-blog]

Striptease

A small smirk tugged at Jongin’s lips as he walked over to turn on the music, of course you couldn’t just do such a thing without music. He hadn’t really mind doing such things, although he wasn’t completely happy with his body he had learned to love it, little by little, you could say he was okay with it to say the least. 

As soon as the music started he let his body move along to it, it would be needed to get a little used to the atmosphere before he could do such a thing. Perhaps you could say he did these things more often, when alone in his room for instance. Not that anyone else had seen it before, or maybe one person. His hips swayed from side to side along the rhythm of the music. The smirk on his lips never leaving.

He slowly got used to the atmosphere and it didn’t take him much effort to simply go along with it. His hands roaming all over his body, eventually going up his shirt, trailing his fingers over his skin - invisible for others. He let his eyes droop down slightly, but still open enough to see everything around him, his hands moving down to the hem of his shirt and lifting it up over his head and throwing it to the side. 

A soft and low chuckle left his lips as he ran his hands down his sides, dragging his nails over his skin and leaving small scratches, he enjoyed those and let out a soft noise. Slowly his fingers met the waistband of his pants, moving them to the middle and unbuttoning and unzipping them, still swaying to the music as he slowly pushes those down. Kicking them off as they meet his ankles and shoving them to the side with his feet. Now leaving him in only his boxers. The grin on his face widened even more as he let his fingers slowly ever so slowly move to the waistband of his boxers, tugging at them revealing a bit more skin. 

'You never told me to completely strip from all my clothes..' he laughed in a low voice. Letting go of his boxers. 'That's enough to please you, right?'

[vagusjongin-blog]

Exposed

With his back resting against a wall and his hands still tied together with a piece of cloth, Jongin was sprawled on the floor. His body covered in sweat and other liquids and his clothes laying not far from him, though he was still unable to get to them. Every move he made hurt his body but he knew he couldn’t just stay there, slowly ever so slowly he pulled up his legs, sitting up straight or atleast as much as possible. His eyes were fixed on the cloth wrapped around his wrists, trying to wiggle his hands out of it. It took him a long time but eventually he managed to get one hand out and getting the second hand out was easy. 

He managed to get on hands and knees before crawling over to where his clothes were, though he felt disgusting he simply ignored it, because his first priority was going home. Luckily he was able to dress himself as good as possible, his clothes were stained and they looked like shit but that wasn’t what bothered him at the moment, of course it wasn’t. After grabbing everything he carried with him before this whole “incident”, he pushed himself up from the ground but as soon as he tried to stand up straight his lower back immediately hurt. He reached out for the most nearby thing to hold onto, and let out a pained groan. 

After he calmed down a little, his heart not as crazily beating as before anymore, his legs becoming a bit more stable and the pain fading a little bit, he started walking, his eyes and mind set on going home as quick as possible. With each step he took a small groan left his lips but he ignored them all, just wanting to go home, to be in a safe environment. While walking he found out that it was still quite a long way to go but after 20 minutes of stumbling and dragging his feet around he finally reached his house. Searching in his pocket for the keys, opening the door and locking it behind him after closing it, wanting to be sure that no unknown person would be able to enter his house.

Without any second thoughts he made his way over to the bedroom, making sure to close that door behind him also before slowly sitting himself down on the bed, not even bothering to do anything else but pulling the blankets over him and hiding himself under them completely. When he finally felt a little safe again he couldn’t help but let tears stream down his face, he felt violated and disgusting. All he wanted was for Sehun to come home and tell him everything was going to fine, feel the younger’s arms around him and listen to his heartbeat to calm himself down. But it would take some days before Sehun would get home again, until then he could only lock himself up and cry.

[vagusjongin-blog]

Kill me

Jongin was seated on the edge of the bathtub, his eyes fixed on the ground as he was completely lost in his own thoughts. How he ended up sitting here, he wasn’t completely sure about that, he just kind of automatically made his way over to the bathroom without any second thoughts. 

Today hadn’t been a good day at all, many things made him feel bad and many things just brought him to the edge of completely breaking and just letting all that shit out. But he couldn’t. He had many people who leaned on him and came to him for support, how was he supposed to completely break down then, if that happened it meant he couldn’t be there for his friends so he had to suck it up. 

He regretted it though, being so harsh to all his friends, sure he knew they cared about him but his mood was just too bad and he just kind of let it out when reacting to them, he was aware he must’ve hurt them, he regretted it. He knew people were busy and probably too busy for him and he was used to it, he wasn’t the first option to anyone and he knew he should just get used to it but it hurt him and made him angry at the same time. He just wasn’t sure how to cope with everything. 

Just during the end of the day it had been getting worse, more and more disappointments came his way and more people got angry at him or annoyed — which was mainly his own fault but it still added to his bad mood — and people just left him or only made him feel worse and worse, not intended but it still happened. It was what brought him closer and closer to the edge. He couldn’t let it out because others had been having problems themselves and he didn’t want to bother them with his own shit. He wanted to be someone to lean on for others, but how were they supposed to lean on him when he couldn’t even keep himself together. 

Silent ways, were the only ways to get it all out for a moment. His fingers absentmindedly played with the razor in his hand, he’d pulled it out of a pencil sharpener, it was weird how many of those things you’d find during moods like these. He stared at it as he raised his arm and looked at the scars gracing his skin, they hadn’t faded yet, some cuts weren’t even completely healed yet. He felt disgusted of his own body and there was nothing he could do about it. He wanted to stop himself but he couldn’t anymore, he was simply too tired for everything.

He knew he shouldn’t be doing this as he had done it way too often already, he had made a promise to himself and to Sehun not to do it again, but at the moment he was just so lost in thoughts, he couldn’t help it, he had to make himself feel better in some way and this was the only possible way. It didn’t take him long before he brought the razor up and once again cut his already badly damaged skin, these would definitely leave scars once again.

[vagusjongin-blog]

Past, one

The currently 8 year old, Jongin, was on his way back home. It was July, a thursday to be exact, he just came back from school, as usual he had to walk home alone. He was excited, excited to tell both his parents about everything he learned and did in school that day. Yes, back in the day when he was actually motivated to learn new things and study, back in the day when everything was still simply and he didn’t have to worry about anything except what kind of colors he wanted to use for his drawing, or what “12x12” was again. 

He skipped home, opening the door as soon as he arrived. He kicked off his shoes, threw down his backpack and made his way over to the livingroom. He excitedly entered it, ready to tell his story about all that happened that day, only to notice that the livingroom was empty, no parents only some empty bottles on the table which meant they were somewhere inside the house. A disappointed frown appeared on his face as he looked around. He figured they might’ve been someone else in the house. So he went on an adventure to find them.

It didn’t take him long as he could hear loud voices coming from his parents bedroom, they didn’t seem happy. Rather angry actually. The door was closed and knowing the way his mother would get angry each time he opened their bedroom door he decided to safely stay outside and listen to their voices. They fought, he realized that immediately. Curses could be heard, along with frustrated yelling. It wasn’t anything new to him, but this time it seemed really serious.

A sudden loud bang could be heard and he took some steps back, surprised by what was going on. He might’ve been young but he wasn’t an idiot, he of course knew what was going on in there as he heard pained noises coming from his mother’s mouth. He could hear things fall from shelves and not long after that he heard crying. More noises came and the crying got replaced by begging, begging to stop. He realized she was being hit, by the one he called his own father. He knew it was his father, he recognized his voice. He must’ve been drinking a lot again. 

Tears filled the kid’s eyes as he took another step back, he didn’t want to know about this and it scared him. When the noises stopped he was even more scared than before, he turned around and ran away, towards his own room where he locked himself up. It wasn’t the first time this happened, he would hear this more often, the crying and begging and the next day his mother would always miraculously have bruises all over her body, telling him it was okay and she “fell” but he didn’t believe it. He knew what as going on but he couldn’t do anything about it, he wasn’t stupid he may have been young but he knew everything.

[vagusjongin-blog]

Fuck up

Jongin watched as the younger walked away from him, a frustrated, hurt and tired sigh leaving his lips as he let his head hang down. His hands making their way to his hair and pulling it tightly, as if that would help. Some loud curses leaving his lips when he realized he had fucked up once again. It wasn’t even a surprise anymore, he fucked up way too often, so many times he almost got used to it. He stood there, still, for some more minutes until a wave of cold air hit his body. He finally walked back, making his way inside and figuring that the younger didn’t want to see him, he wouldn’t want to see him either.

Making his way back into the house, he closed the front door behind him. Dragging himself back to the bathroom, and dropping himself on the edge of the bathtub, where he was seated earlier. His eyes fixed on his arm, he had worn a white shirt that day but there was a big smudge of red on the sleeve, blood. He sighed, taking off his shirt and throwing it to the side, turning on the water and slowly washing off the blood. Flinching each time it hurt. 

Minutes passed and he was still in the bathroom, the water turned off by now. He was lost in thoughts, confused to what he was supposed to do. He was a fuck up and that would never change, this wasn’t the first time but it wouldn’t be the last time either and he knew that. He wasn’t sure wether he was able to handle hurting someone, again. Things like these only mentally fucked him up even more, not because of what someone else did but because of himself and because he would get even more thoughts rushing through his mind, he had no idea what to do.

He stood infront of the mirror he had looked in earlier, the only word he was able to find to discribe himself was ‘Disgusting’. He reached out for the glass filled with water standing next to the sink. Staring at it for a while before throwing it down on the ground, not bothering to empty it from all the water first. Pieces of glass were shattered all over the ground, water streaming past it. He reached down, grabbing the biggest piece of broken glass he could find, then getting up and looking back into the mirror. Holding it up and placing the sharp side against his neck as he looked at himself, tilting his head up a little. Call him overdramatic, but in his mind there was no other way out. His hand was trembling from both fear and anger, he was mainly angry at himself. He stood there, for a good 10 minutes until he finally pushes the sharp object against the skin of his neck, dragging it from one side to another…

It hurt, badly. Not the cut, but realizing that he had once again been a fuck up. He felt like he was a disgrace to everyone. He hadn’t actually made a deep cut on his neck, it was bleeding, but it wasn’t even nearly enough to make him die. Just a small cut, paper cut, that was what it looked like. It would heal after 3/4 days and no one would notice. 

Angrily he threw the piece of glass down on the ground, breaking it in two. He made his way past the shattered glass, surrounded by water on the ground and went straight to his bedroom, letting himself fall down on his back. His eyes fluttered closed before drifting off to sleep. 

[vagusjongin-blog]

Arguments

Jongin burried his face into the pillow, he was still seated on his bed after he had left the room due to his little argument with Sehun. He’d been cranky this morning, he hardly slept and when Sehun told him he probably wasn’t going to be there all day it only got worse, and to top it off the younger had hurt himself also so his mood couldn’t get worse than that. He had gotten a little pissed and then felt like he had to leave the room before anything stupid would leave his mouth, because he knew himself and he said the wrong things at the wrong timing, especially in moods like these.

He could hear the front door close and by that he knew Sehun had left, a sigh left his lips as he felt like he had fucked up again and now he couldn’t apologize since the younger wouldn’t be here all day long. He really was an idiot sometimes. Of course he didn’t mean to be so cranky but when he woke up he just literally felt like shit and then knowing Sehun wouldn’t be here, and knowing what he did and things like that just made his mood worse. 

It was a minor argument, not even anything you could consider as a fight  or something like that but he still got all frustrated over it, making himself feel worse and worse. It was just something he did. During the moments where there were just minor things bothering him or when his mood was bad like this, his mind would always find a way to make everything even worse by recalling things he did in the past or that happened in the past, it was something bad but he couldn’t control it.

Which was why he felt worse with every second. And the worst thing was that right now Sehun wasn’t here to make him feel better. He was pissed, at himself, for some reason. Long story short, he felt like shit and the only one to blame for that was himself, maybe a little part in this had something to do with Sehun hurting himself also. He was perfectly aware that Sehun’s situation was completely different from his but he didn’t like how Sehun told him not to hurt himself while he did it too. 

He got up from his bed, reaching out to the nightstand and grabbing the sharp object. He let himself sink down to the ground, his back resting against the side of the bed. What he was about to do was completely stupid, he just wasn’t aware of that yet. He pulled up his sleeves, revealing his already damaged arms and holding the razor, which he pulled out of one of those pencil sharpeners earlier that week, and dragged it along his skin, a little deeper than usual. It was a protest, atleast he thought so. If Sehun could hurt himself then why the fuck couldn’t he? “It’s not like it’s the first time” was what the younger told him, well then why would it matter if he did it, it wasn’t the first time either. 

Minutes had passed and blood trailed down his arm onto his shirt, on purpose since he didn’t want to make any stains on the floor. If it was even possible his arms were even more damaged than before, these would definitely leave some nasty scars. He let the razor drop down onto the ground as he stared at the freshly made cuts, a sigh leaving his lips. He was an idiot. 

[vagusjongin-blog]

I'm sorry

Jongin looked down at Sehun, who had fallen asleep in his arms not too long ago. He couldn’t help but stare at the younger’s face, he seemed so at peace when sleeping and since he didn’t like him staring when he was awake, he had to take his chances by staring while he was asleep. He just liked watching him a lot, just noticing all those small things about him that made him perfect, like the mole in his neck or the little scar on his cheek. Even the little imperfections like the scar were perfect to him, he couldn’t deny that. He leaned in to press a small and soft peck on his lips, not wanting to wake him up before pulling away and crawling from beneath the blankets. Wrapping them tightly around Sehun once more. 

He quietly took one of the candles and lit it, knowing that if Sehun would wake up and notice him not being here he’d probably end up freaking out, as he was afraid of the dark. He hurriedly put on atleast some his boxers and a pair of sweatpants, as he still hadn’t done that after their event of earlier. He silently made his way through the small open window of the treehouse they were currently located at, and sitting himself down on the big branch, letting his body rest against the wooden walls of the treehouse, and his legs dangling down. He had brought one of the blankets and wrapped it around himself to keep him warm. Every once in a while he peeked through the window - inside - to see if Sehun was doing okay, of course he was, since he was asleep. 

Minutes had passed and he was still seated on the exact same place, just staring into space and getting lost in thoughts. His mind wandering back to the past events, like the messages they got and things like that. It were usually the things that made him unhappy — that his mind liked to remember and bring back, over and over again. He let his eyes wander down to his wrists, a soft sigh leaving his lips upon noticing how damaged they already were. Hardly a small line of undamaged skin was visible.

His hands were aching from the urge to do something, but he knew he couldn’t, because he had promised. Or actually, he didn’t promise knowing himself too good, he would probably end up breaking it, but he still knew Sehun didn’t like it at all, so he said he’d try not to let anything happen. But the urge was strong, very strong. His fingers automatically reached out for the wrist of his other hand, digging his nails into the skin and dragging them up his arm, leaving 4 long scratches on his arm and a small trail of blood. He repeated the same thing on his other arm, and even that a couple of times more, until he stopped suddenly.

He stared down at his wrists, both bleeding heavily and his fingers read and hurting also. A let out a shaky sigh, out of both disgust and dissapointment — in himself. This was the exact reason why he couldn’t make any promises, the urge was too big, it’s become a habit, and a bad  addiction he couldn’t stop. 

Climbing back through the window into the treehouse, he looked around until he found a towel he had brought earlier for whatever reason, he quickly used it to wipe away the blood. He had been seated like that for minutes, wiping the blood each time it started to flow again. However finally, it stopped. He threw away the towel and crawled back into the bed, looking over the younger and pressing a soft kiss beneath his ear, making sure not to wake up up. ‘I’m sorry.’ he whispered lowly, as he lied down in a more comfortable position, snuggling closer to Sehun and crossing his arms over his body. ‘I love you, good night.’

[vagusjongin-blog]

Late night drink

Jongin sat outside once again, he had climbed through his window to sit on one of the big branches of the tree next to his house. He actually found some left over alcohol in one of the cabinets, it still seemed good to him so he decided to bring it along. It was the perfect combination, a cold night, filled with alcohol and just sitting in a place like this, he such things a lot. 

He sat himself down in a move comfortable position because believe it or not, it could actually be nice up here, though he sat on a branch. He brought the bottle of apparantly vodka up to his lips, and gulped some of it down. It tasted good, and it was really satisfying on a moment like this he had to admit.

There wasn’t a particular reason why he did this, he just wanted to get out for a second and he felt like drinking yet he didn’t think it was good to be around anyone since he does stupid things when he’s drunk, he’s aware of that. He gets touchy, like hell. Today the mood just striked for he to drink something.

Minutes had passed and he’d already been up in the tree, drinking while sitting on a branch for minutes. His sight had started to get a little blurry due to the alcohol finally showing it’s effect. It wasn’t exactly safe, to sit up high, while being drunk. But at the moment he didn’t care anymore. It was just a night to let himself go for once. How he would end up, it’d be a mistery.