vagwitch1

[vagwitch1]

hey it’s 4:16am and i’ve decided to make an update.

recently i’ve been feeling different and almost “lost” i guess. life is really confusing me and i don’t know what to do anymore.

i feel as if i’m two different people and i hate both of them.

number one is happy energetic and hyper. she’ll do anything to help anyone and say anything to make them feel better about themselves. she’s selfless and would take a bullet if it could prevent someone else from getting hurt. she hates herself and wishes she had someone earlier on to be there. to understand her. she says things to hopefully prevent others feeling the ways she does. she’s living an illusion of happiness.

number two is the careless lost one. she wishes something would make sense. she wishes someone would tell her what was right instead of abusing her mentally when she is wrong. she hurts people without even realising and ends up regretting it later. she wants to be loved but doesn’t know how to love. she lets number one do all of the living. she is not alive.

i honestly don’t understand what to do. i’ve tried talking to friends but number one doesn’t want to make them worry. i’m the person they look up to for help and advice. i’m the one who’s supposed to be happy. but i’m not. number one does it for them. number one is happy.

i talk to a lot of people online but number two has trust issues and dislikes most people. number two knows instantly if a person should be kept or dropped and most of the time she just wants to drop herself.

she doesn’t tho... number one makes sure of it. sometimes i spend all night and early hours of the day researching things i shouldn’t be. is there a way to disappear without hurting people?

i don’t want to die. i want pieces of me to. i want number ones self hatred and fake humour to disappear. i want number twos trust issues and anxiety to leave.

who do i talk to? my friends i worry about and my family don’t understand. i don’t need a friend i need to learn how to help myself.

hey it’s number one and two here, i’m living a lie and i don’t know what to do.

[vagwitch1]

hey so it’s currently 1:30 am and i just wanted to write a little reminder for anyone who ever feels down or has any negative thoughts :)

so, you may be feeling as if you have nothing to do or maybe no purpose? well i’m just going to say that there’s not been a day that goes by that hasn’t made me doubt my existence and if i actually even have a purpose. it’s taken me quite some time but i think i’ve found a mind of thought that can help you feel ok or maybe you can even “judge” how my mentality works :)

hey i’m alive and i’m sitting on my bed, my phones playing cavetown as it usually is as robbies voice has kept me hopeful and made me feel safe.

sometimes i think that there’s nothing else in the world and i’m here, on my own with all of these illusions that i call “people” and things that happen are just creations that i have placed in front of me to keep me entertained.

it’s ok to feel crazy because let’s be honest, life is pretty crazy. the idea that a human is produced from basically nothing and can grow so much to impact so many people’s lives. take your favourite music artist or actor for example, and if you don’t like music or movies, think of a role model or person you want to be like. they were created from nothing. you were created from nothing. if you feel as if you’re nothing, that’s false as you have grown to be you. you’re more than nothing and you should own it.

people who are liked have learnt to like themselves enough. don’t get me wrong some people are so full of themselves i’m pretty sure they couldn’t love anything more. i’m not saying that’s bad, but i’m not saying it’s right. the acceptance we want from society starts with ourselves.

words are really fun. i like words. sometimes i’ll get out a notebook and write whatever comes to mind. it’s refreshing, almost as if all the thoughts racing in my head can be slowed down and laid out in front of me. i’m able to scribble out what doenst make sense and make sense of it. you have a mind for a reason. whatever’s in your mind is valid.

our whole lives are circulated around the idea of “acceptance” and “perfection”. everyone wants to feel “ok”. i’m here to say through experience of self hate and depression that, and i know it’s not this easy, but it’s not worth your energy, you’re worth so much more than the anxiety they have labelled you with.

recently i’ve started playing instruments, i like instruments. ok call me a basic “white” girl but the ukelele is the bomb. it sounds so sweet, it can be used to make soft tunes that make you want to walk forever, and harder tunes to release emotion and anger. after all, listening to others harms your health, listen to yourself, listen to the rhythm, feel the vibration of the strings and be at peace with yourself.

i know i mentioned it already but if you haven’t before listen to cavetown right now, i insist. he inspired me to feel at peace with the thoughts racing in my head. people say “don’t worry you’re not the only one going through things”, but it’s hard to believe people feel the way and think the way you do. listening to music and artists that i can relate to helps me so much. it’s like the millions of people who have listened to his music can relate, i can relate, he can relate. societys acceptance feels like a tight circle, we don’t need to fit in.

there’s only one life we know of and it’s the one you’re living right now. you’ll be fine sweet heart.

just know, i’m always here if you ever need someone to talk to :) it’s ok to need someone, look after yourself and stay safe <3