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Week 82. Staying present is an ongoing lesson; its applications endless. I wanted to be out flipping around on my skateboard by now but that is a beautiful dream of the future. Anyone who has undergone PT knows that healing is the worst of the pain. My autism, my severe anxiety and all my trauma has deeply affected my body along with my emotional state. I began massage therapy with the excitement of finding relief, only to find true relief will come at the hand of months of working out the excruciating knots that are everywhere, on every limb, in every conjunction of muscle and tendon. Additionally, this tension and my slender nature have added to my body's rejection of the dissolvable stitch knots under the skin near my armpits. They pulled one out today and are going to cut the other out next week. This adds a painful delay of 2-3 weeks. Staying in these moments would be unbearable if not for the ease of the smiles that grace my face when I look in the mirror. I'm still in pain but I've never been happier and this pain feels worthwhile. My journey of healing has begun. # #johnniejoyweekly #ftm #ftmtransition #ftmlife #transgender #ftmofig #trans #transguy #transman #transition #testosterone #queermasculinity #transmodel #model #portrait #bodypositivity #journey #thisiswhattranslookslike #vitaminT #queerbodies #legalizetrans #transisbeautiful #transandproud #survivor #aspergers #asd #transonthespectrum #queer #lovewins via Instagram https://ift.tt/2LOVILN

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Week 81. L: 18 mos | R: 0 mos After I initially started HRT, so many things started going right that I was able to clearly see what had been going wrong all along. The overwhelming stress I felt from the first months of purveying damage was so crippling that I was unable to move forward in my transition. A social worker from my doctor's office miraculously got me on the phone. She made me feel safe and validated in my fears. I opened up to her and she took charge of finding me the right therapist and guided me thru the pre-surgery process. Without her sweeping in all angel-like, this would have taken a year longer and I'm not sure I would have lasted a year in that frozen state. I never paid for this service. Carolyn Downs Family Medical Center is the last running clinic fully-funded by the Black Panther Party. It was founded in 1969 and its services and people have saved my life these last 2 years. I never had to fight for the right medical care. In fact, I've only been blessed by all the extra they want to do for me. They played a huge part in making this change possible and beautiful for me. I'm just feeling mighty thankful for them cuz they got me to today - I'm cleared of all physical restrictions and am free to go back to life as normal. HA! I'm not going back to nothin. A whole bunch of people gave me a new start at life. I'm gonna go start it. By dancing. Photos by the talented @maxshawphotos # #johnniejoyweekly #ftm #ftmtransition #ftmlife #transgender #ftmofig #trans #transguy #transman #transition #testosterone #queermasculinity #transmodel #model #portrait #bodypositivity #journey #thisiswhattranslookslike #vitaminT #queerbodies #legalizetrans #transisbeautiful #transandproud #survivor #aspergers #asd #transonthespectrum #queer #lovewins via Instagram https://ift.tt/2LNHSWG

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Feels...🙄🤗😔 I'm relieved with the news of each state that chooses to ban this torture. And the weight of its continued practice in others has my soul sobbing. #Repost @transmodelsnyc • • • • • They saw us coming @bearsfonte @evalynjake @transmodelsnyc #conversiontherapy #lgbtq #transgender #trans #servingtheT via Instagram https://ift.tt/2LIQgXv

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Week 80. 18 mos on testosterone | 4 wks post-op 18 month shoot - photo 9 of 9 Max & I have only had our imaginations to prepare us for this shoot. As the shots clicked onto the viewer screen we were both stopped in our tracks with disbelief. The barrier in my eyes, in front of my chest, and between the lens and me is gone. The comparisons are entirely mind-blowing. I feel like this is my true debut as Johnnie, as myself, cuz I'm finally being honest internally about who I am, and I now have an honest physical representation of who I've been all along. This image is what my psyche thought would appear in the mirror time and again; the frustration of its absence driving me mad. And now it's here: the time when all the pieces of me are put back together. I get to meet me and love me and grow old with me. I get to find my voice and strengthen my center. I get to show my wife who she has been loving so deeply, often blindly. By the power of Love, I begin. By the grace of Love, I will survive. 🙏 Special thanks to @maxshawphotos who continues to have faith in me and in himself ❤ I love you, brother. # #johnniejoyweekly #ftm #ftmtransition #ftmlife #transgender #ftmofig #trans #transguy #transman #transition #testosterone #queermasculinity #transmodel #model #portrait #bodypositivity #journey #thisiswhattranslookslike #vitaminT #queerbodies #legalizetrans #transisbeautiful #transandproud #survivor #aspergers #asd #transonthespectrum #queer #lovewins via Instagram https://ift.tt/2Llplkx

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#Repost @maxshawphotos • • • • • Johnnie Joy. 18 months. Seattle. July 2018. 8/9. #portrait #portraits #makeportraits #queerportraits #canon #teamcanon #canonusa #50mm #bnw #queer #trans #transition #gender #testosterone #vitamint #thisistrans #transman #transmen #malemodel #menofinstagram #editorial #lifestyle #fashion #menswear #inspiration #seattle #seattlephotographer #seattletrans via Instagram https://ift.tt/2LhbSO1

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#Repost @maxshawphotos • • • • • Johnnie Joy. 18 months. Seattle. July 2018. 7/9. #portrait #portraits #makeportraits #queerportraits #canon #teamcanon #canonusa #50mm #bnw #queer #trans #transition #gender #testosterone #vitamint #thisistrans #transman #transmen #malemodel #menofinstagram #editorial #lifestyle #fashion #menswear #inspiration #seattle #seattlephotographer #seattletrans via Instagram https://ift.tt/2L9qUFk

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#Repost @maxshawphotos • • • • • Johnnie Joy. 18 months. Seattle. July 2018. 3/9. #portrait #portraits #makeportraits #queerportraits #canon #teamcanon #canonusa #50mm #bnw #blackandwhite #blacknwhite #queer #trans #transition #gender #testosterone #vitamint #thisistrans #transman #transmen #malemodel #menofinstagram #editorial #lifestyle #fashion #menswear #inspiration #seattle #seattlephotographer via Instagram https://ift.tt/2L5qgsx

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#Repost @maxshawphotos • • • • • Johnnie Joy. 18 months. Seattle. July 2018. 4/9. #portrait #portraits #makeportraits #queerportraits #canon #teamcanon #canonusa #50mm #bnw #blackandwhite #blacknwhite #queer #trans #transition #gender #testosterone #vitamint #thisistrans #transman #transmen #malemodel #menofinstagram #editorial #lifestyle #fashion #menswear #inspiration #seattle #seattlephotographer via Instagram https://ift.tt/2JnbKay

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via Instagram https://ift.tt/2ukHsQY

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Week 79. I've been walking around in my new body for a couple weeks now and I feel SO different. Several of those who can see have told me my aura has changed completely. The initial analogy I used of it feeling like handcuffs being removed still stands. I'm now experiencing a lack of painful restraint...a stillness and a mobility so thorough that they transcend lingual description. The liberation is slowly permeating me from body to mind to heart, allowing my true self to shine thru eagerly rather than having to be dragged out. There was something very real, very powerful confining my spirit that was removed with the 100-something cc's of tissue and skin. Before my surgery I was terrified of how I would feel, what I might become in this freedom. I see now that I only fear becoming the person I used to be. And that's impossible now: "a mind once expanded can never again return to its original dimensions." - fortune cookie And once these handcuffs come off, they don't grow back. (Ironic side note: I have more cleavage now than I've ever had.) # #johnniejoyweekly #ftm #ftmtransition #ftmlife #transgender #ftmofig #trans #transguy #transman #transition #testosterone #queermasculinity #transmodel #model #portrait #bodypositivity #journey #thisiswhattranslookslike #vitaminT #queerbodies #legalizetrans #transisbeautiful #transandproud #survivor #aspergers #asd #transonthespectrum #queer #lovewins via Instagram https://ift.tt/2KMBOBu

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Here's to the freedom we're still fighting for in our communities: the freedom to be ourselves and respected human beings at the same time, the freedom to be seen and heard regardless of gender identity or ethnicity, the freedom to live in a love culture instead of a shame culture. We have a long ways to go in this fight and I'm so grateful to have people like Robert in my life who have been fighting, who have made progress, and who have helped pave the path for my generation to continue the push forward. I'm not sure what we're Independent of anymore, but let freedom ring for all of us. # #happy4th #lovewins #circusfamily #elvez #mexicanelvis #QUEENGA #burlesque #independentlyweird #fashion #mensfashion via Instagram https://ift.tt/2MPJfo8

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Week 78. Walking in public has always been a nightmare of inner turmoil from my dysphoria and the external deflection of people's reactions to seeing a dude with boobs strolling down the street. Since my surgery, people's reactions have shifted but are still present enough to make me feel like a focal point. But I care not, cuz inside I'm mothafucking John Travolta, circa SNF, struttin' confidently to my own beat cuz I'm in love. The outside finally fits what's on the inside and there is no shame staring back at me in the mirror. Only love. I feel like I can finally sing with Chaka Khan now and mean it - cuz I do. I worked really really hard on my insides and my outsides and now I do love myself. To see with retrospective eyes that this was within my power all along is more than a little disappointing. However, this light wouldn't be this bright if I had never known the depths of darkness that I also have the power to create. I understand that I sometimes instigate my own pain. Maybe in my new future I'll gain the wisdom to instigate my own joy. # #johnniejoyweekly #ftm #ftmtransition #ftmlife #transgender #ftmofig #trans #transguy #transman #transition #testosterone #queermasculinity #transmodel #model #portrait #bodypositivity #journey #thisiswhattranslookslike #vitaminT #queerbodies #legalizetrans #transisbeautiful #transandproud #survivor #aspergers #asd #transvisibility #queer #lovewins via Instagram https://ift.tt/2u3fVCz

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#tbt Remember that time I had boobs? # #nomaas #pastboob #signonthedottedline #topsurgery #ftm #surgerycostume via Instagram https://ift.tt/2lJs4sX

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SURGERY UPDATE: I'm healing very quickly. The human body is an amazing thing. My right nipple has a hefty scab on it still so it gets a special bandaid. Like a nipple pirate. I'm still taking it very slowly. Things are super sensitive as scar tissue forms, nerves reconnect, and skin re-adheres to muscle. There's still a bit of swelling but it lessens each day. I go back to work tomorrow and I am so excited to give living a go again in this new body. I feel as though handcuffs have been taken off of me and I'm free to move about at will. My Aspergian subconscious is having a tough time trying not to fight the ongoing stress my boobs gave me 24/7. The stress is very clearly gone, but in its absence a very awkward dilemma: what now? The lesson of listening to my heart and letting my true self inform what fills that empty space is more applicable now than the first 30 times I learned it. So wookout world! A Nipple Pirate with a free-ballin' subconscious is coming at ya! 😜🤯 via Instagram https://ift.tt/2IBMQn9

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Week 77. My 2nd post op app this morning brought even more relief. Dr. Kyllo took my nipple stitches out and the bandages covering the drainage holes on my sides. I'm not supposed to flex yet so I'm not, but damned if I ain't eager to do a pull up or two. I wondered for so long what I looked like under there. At 17, I won the midwest high school regionals for female bench press, weighing in at 115 lbs and lifting 140 lbs. At 28, certain professionals, shall we say, who valued physical achievement more than anything, watched me break an east coast record of 72 push ups in a minute. But I could only wonder what I had built under those fat masses on my chest. Now I know and now I don't feel like all those inclined push ups were in vain. I feel like all the work I did on my body as a way to deal with my pain might be able to now become work I do because I love my body. It's a simple thought but its implications are profoundly shifting and healing for me. # #johnniejoyweekly #ftm #ftmtransition #ftmlife #transgender #ftmofig #trans #transguy #transition #testosterone #queermasculinity #transmodel #model #portrait #bodypositivity #journey #thisiswhattranslookslike #vitaminT #queerbodies #legalizetrans #transisbeautiful #transandproud #survivor #aspergers #asd #transandshirtless #queer #lovewins via Instagram https://ift.tt/2MoZKao

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These trans brothers of mine are so precious to me. Each of them is living their truth so fiercely and joyfully. We inspire and guide each other along this shared journey, never forgetting how lucky we are to have each other. My heart goes out to all the #transyouth in our world who feel alone and like this journey is too overwhelming to even begin. Know this: every journey is comprised of single steps and you have never, and will never be alone in taking those steps. Whether near or far, we are your tribe and your steps matter to us. Keep going. Keep moving forward. Keep being yourself to the realest degree. It does get better. Change is imminent if we refuse to be silent. Happy #PRIDE 🌈🌈🌈 #transpride #legalizetrans #transmenofinstagram #ftmlife #ftm #nonbinary #queer #lgbtqia #seattlepride #transtribe via Instagram https://ift.tt/2lta85t

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RECOVERY UPDATE! The drainage tubes came out for the final reveal this morning. My chest looks FANTASTIC. Dr. Kyllo was quite pleased with his work and with how I'm healing, especially since I underwent 2 surgeries in 24 hours. In my pre-op app I told him that I was trying to be a male model and apparently he took me seriously (as he should have) cuz these cuts are flawless. Also, my new profile! 😍❤😂 I look exactly like me for the first time. I was able to walk standing straight up and down for the first time since puberty! It will take some time for my shoulders to open up and relax after decades of shrugging to hide the boobage, but my Dr's referral for massage and acupuncture will help that along over the summer. I'm so fucking happy. I knew I wasn't ready for all this happy...I might literally burst at the seams. # #johnniejoyweekly #ftm #ftmtransition #ftmlife #transgender #ftmofig #trans #transguy #transman #transition #testosterone #queermasculinity #transmodel #model #portrait #bodypositivity #journey #thisiswhattranslookslike #vitaminT #queerbodies #legalizetrans #transisbeautiful #transandproud #survivor #queer #lovewins #topsurgery #polyclinic #drkyllo via Instagram https://ift.tt/2yqm7dp