velvetcloxds

[velvetcloxds]

MONIQUE MY BELOVED

How are you? It’s very hot here at home so make sure you’re drinking enough water!!

hii love! you’re lucky, we’re in the middle of a cold front so i long for warmth lol

water intake is doing surprisingly well for winter which is a win- hope you’re doing good and taking care of yourself in the heat <3

[velvetcloxds]

They should invent a way to sit hunched over doing crafts that is Good for your body

[velvetcloxds]

maybe i was born to read fanfic and obsess over fictional men idk

[velvetcloxds]

paging any final year uni or college students

did anyone else struggle with what i like to call "assignment rebellion" from your mind- like i'm not a lazy girly or a big procrastinator by nature but i CANNOT get myself to focus long enough to actually put work into assignments

it's not even that i'm doing other things, sometimes i'm just staring at the questions for hours unable to form a single academic thought until my head hurts and i feel like a total failure because it's literally assignments, i've been doing them for four years now, why is this year different, why does it feel so hard???

i feel like i'm losing my mind because i want to get my work done to start prepping for exams but it's like there's literally a block in my brain keeping me from getting anything done, and it's making my regular assignment anxiety grow into a big monster of anxiety because i'm not doing what i need to do and it feels like i'm not in control

[velvetcloxds]

lovely lena! are you doing well love??

hiiii <3

[velvetcloxds]

hiiii <3

[velvetcloxds]

at the risk of feeling sorry for myself, i don't think someone my age is supposed to be coping with this much shit

[velvetcloxds]

looking at a rainbow slaw salad with no dressing and knowing that a mcfeast and mcflurry would be a 1000% better for my emotional well-being

[velvetcloxds]

😩 OMG I MISSED YOU.

how are you? how is life?

also i’m like back back !!

it's been ages since I came on here- sorry that i missed your grand return- i was stalking my other blog and was like wait let me see what's going on everywhere else on here

life is weird, busy etc. how about you??

[velvetcloxds]

MONIQUE ????

LENA!!!!

[velvetcloxds]

do not tell me how i feel what i am you have not had to survive me crawl back into belonging in my body i am not what you say you are not in my soul

~observation

[velvetcloxds]

and i’ve never been more than a reflection an obedient shadow of what was controlling me trauma, expectation, food, fear, sickness- so many variants of myself and i’ve had no say in them have never been more of less just hovering between when and then never been able to recognize myself beyond them

~out of control

[velvetcloxds]

life doesn’t stop in the midst of abuse it sifts through it conditioning becomes nature hopelessness becomes normal lies become reality desperation and exhaustion hidden behind every filtered photo documented days of pretend peace burdened with the pain to come or the pain fled from forced acceptance moment to moment unpredictable, unpromising like escape what should and should not be gets blurred between what’s known and what is allowed to be seen isolation, deconstruction play along for him, or for me? for compliance, for safety who of me remains to set free?

~flight and fight.

[velvetcloxds]

hey hon, I miss you :(

hii love! miss you too and just being active on here as a whole! can’t believe it’s already march?? sorry for not answering sooner

time is flying omg- my lungs were on strike from about december (still) and then we escaped to fresh air for a bit and my planning is behind so i’m trying to get uni stuff on track without retracting from society and everything is just all over but i miss everyone on here

[velvetcloxds]

*i can do hard things* and it’s just breathing

[velvetcloxds]

i wasn’t prepared for the horrendous, persistently different pain of losing a special needs pet. it’s been four days. he was here one day and gone the next and every day my heart feels more torn, more confused. i didn’t understand how torturous the absence and emptiness would be. ten years of planning our lives around his good days or bad days, forming our routines around his needs- being with him, loving him, healing him- caregiver, protector and in a second nothing at all. in every bit of our lives we have to keep reminding ourselves that he’s gone and it hurts all over again, every single time. our special boy, it physically feels like part of our family has been stolen away, and no one is sure how to face the something missing, something wrong, insistently continuing days.

[velvetcloxds]

hi 😁 will you continue little bird?

hii! i definitely plan on finishing it! originally i wanted it to be more of an interactive experience between the chapters, allowing for readers to share their ideas or thoughts- sort of build the story together- but interest was lacking when i posted it so i had to pivot slightly. definitely still have plans for it and would love to work on it more this year <3