vent-for-cent - Tumblr blog

[vent-for-cent]

It took me too long to realize that not all the world is my enemy

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If this is what it means to be human then you'd rather be no human at all.

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I want to cry abt my dysphoria and have someone hold me as I do, but the only people I have who could are my parents and I can’t with them.

My dad doesn’t like that I’m trans and wants to pretend I’m not, I don’t know how he’ll react if I show anything other than confidence regarding it. And even if he doesn’t try and undermine my identity, I have no idea what he’ll say. I don’t think he’ll know what to say. He’s always been so awkward around queer stuff.

And I just. I can’t with my mom. I just can’t.

I want someone to hug me while I cry

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Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck oh my g-d

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I’m gonna relapse I’m gonna relapse I’m gonna relapse I’m gonna relapse I’m gonna relapse I’m gonna relapse I’m gonna fucking relapse I’m gonna relapse

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JUST SAY THAT YOU HATE ME AND DONT WANNA HANG OUT WITH ME FUCK THIS HURT SO MUCH MORE THAN IF YOUD JUST FUCKING SAY IT

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Friend: hey sorry for sleeping through my alarm but I rlly needed the sleep anyway we’re on the way to hang out 6 hours late

Me, who openly asked to hang out because I’m getting paranoid and depressive and need help: Ok.

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I wanna fuckinggggggg. I wanna talk to someone sooooo bad but I’m terrified of being rejected by them or them telling other people about what I say oh my g-d oh my g-d oh my g-d

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You make me horny

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Like damn almost like you spending my childhood screaming at me about school would make me not want to talk to you about school

Crazy how that works

Dad: *why* are you being so private and guarded about your school life with me?

Me: well I’d love to unpack that actually, but doing so would require you to admit very serious faults that you aren’t ready to admit to so instead we’re gonna beat around the bush and you’re going to insult and get angry with me while I remain calm because if I don’t remain calm despite your insults I will be the one punished

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Dad: *why* are you being so private and guarded about your school life with me?

Me: well I’d love to unpack that actually, but doing so would require you to admit very serious faults that you aren’t ready to admit to so instead we’re gonna beat around the bush and you’re going to insult and get angry with me while I remain calm because if I don’t remain calm despite your insults I will be the one punished

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ventcore

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My mom is bored so she’s doing that thing where she does random irritating shit and telling stories no one asked for

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Me: ok I am extremely overstimulated and I’m in an environment where there is literally zero ability to wind down, I’m try and sleep it off

My dads music on the radio: no. Fuck you. Die, even

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Something is wrong with me. Maybe since I was born. I know I don’t belong here, I know there’s no place for someone like me in this world. My whole soul aches day by day. I really try to fit. I really try to fight. I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m really trying! It hurts so much and sometimes all I can think is how much I want to give up everything. But I can’t do it. I can’t give up. I still want to have a little hope for myself.

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I have such a complicated memory of my mom. I miss her even though she lives with me. But she’s not who I think of when I think of ‘mom’. Because I grew up with my alcoholic mom now that she’s not drinking anymore she just. Doesn’t feel like my mom. It’s so fuckin. Strange. I want my mom, but you’re not her even though you are