vent-inside-bitch-outside

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

I think I'm really starting to become something now

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

i feel like i wither away into such an ugly terrible thing when i'm away from you, like a really shitty flower or something

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

my owner is soft and I like him <3

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

that wasn't cathartic. why wasn't it cathartic?

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

guilt trying to burrow down deeper but I will weed this too. I am at the summit here. I don't feel unburdened so to speak but I feel vitalized and capable of seeing my way out of it. life is a lot like dark souls I think I'm just going to brute force my way to healing

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

i don't know if this is fortune cookie obvious or stupid but I think I focused too much on making bad thoughts not occur rather than withstanding them

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

I'm either out of the woods or in the eye of the storm, my thoughts at present:

-i need to stop moralizing my traumagenic intrusive thoughts because that's still engaging with them

-i think I have ocd

-i am going to continue to be productive in therapy

-im going to try and get back on meds

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

PULL IT OUT OF ME AND RIP IT APART BIT BY BIT I AM GOING TO RID MYSELF OF THIS I AM GOING TO SHINE A LIGHT DOWN INTO MY DEEPEST CHASM AND I AM GOING TO ERADICATE WHATEVER HIDES THERE AND I AM GOING TO DO THIS IN THERAPY

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

terrible, terrible pit in my stomach

and I feel heavy, locked in place.

it feels like my whole being gets stripped away, if only for a moment.

all this time later and I still fantasize about being abused

is this self harm? is it self harm? or is that an excuse?

I don't know what this is, I want to know what this is. why does this happen? how does this happen?

I need to speak to my therapist i need to speak about this specifically in therapy

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

why does guilt feel like it invalidates everything about me

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

not sure if this is a for real epiphany im writing it down to see if it is later but I've realized that I've been a damn fool for constantly just replaying the events in my head over and over and over and trying to calculate like, guilt or if I'm a "bad person"<- fake thing that is made up. What has happened and what I've done and what I've been through does not define who I am, what I do moving forward does. Ergo, my new mentality instead of ruminating will be going "damn, that was awful that that happened, I'm gonna make sure it never happens again."

poasibly finding a way to escape this constant nightmarish cycle of mental scab picking has given me a sense of will I haven't felt in a while

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

it sits at the back of my mind and paints everything around me it's own sickly about-ness and I just feel a little bit sick every day and I want it to stop I want to be normal

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

I forget myself sometimes but I am a human being capable of love and deserving of being loved. I'm going to drag the wretched beast out of me, still writhing, rather than wait for it to shrivel up and decompose. I can't keep this trauma inside of me forever, it isn't sustainable. I will do what I have to to free myself here.

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

I feel like I'm going to hurt him. I feel like I've backed myself into a corner here, how many positive memories am I going to taint? I love him dearly and the thought of him knowing I'm a horrible person hurts. It stings a little bit when he says he feels lucky to know me I feel like a fraud for not telling anyone, I need to broach this in therapy very very badly. logically I know I'm not irredeemable and that its all in the past and I'm not that kind of a person anymore but I feel like he'd hate me I feel like everyone would hate me. if I let this out of me ill die and if I keep it inside of me ill die and if I do nothing ill die

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

I love letting him keep me drunk all day sosoosososooooooo much :3

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

VOLITION [Medium: Success] - You could do chores tomorrow to mitigate your stress.

[vent-inside-bitch-outside]

the part of me that tells me to abandon all hope is seemingly coupled to the part of me that says to do self destructive short term pleasure

been really trying to map out my internal voices recently