vent-space-chaos

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I wish that I was pretty i wish that I was enough to someone to mean something. no one will ever care about me the same way that I do them. I give I give and I give. And no one will truly care until there's nothing left to take. I can remember everything that you believe you didnt do.

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It's so hard to feel like there's nothing wrong when, for the past 6 years, my life has been n9thing but a lie.

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Im so insecure about my body, I've always felt ugly. No man has ever shown interest in me. Not that I have ever cared really. But I've never been asked out, never really been taken out on a date. And the last boyfriend that o had, of 6 years, I planned every single date, I planned every gift outing, even his parents. I was basically his mom for 6 years. I got him a car, and 2 jobs. He even used me twice. But I never held it against him even though I should have.

I was just so desperate for a man, for anyone to love me. I've always worn gym shorts and t shorts cause, I've just never loved my body. Her words have always made themselves present within the realms of my inner most thoughts, the way they haunt me.

So I've always basket ball shorts and t shorts, and have my hair up in a bun. And today this hiy, this stranger, the biggest touches I've ever met. He called me sir. 3 fucjibg times. I mean like my tits are d's!!!! They're not huge but theyre definitely not tiny!!!!! It hurt me so bad. I've never felt uglier.

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Damn ya know what. It's been a lot, and it's been a while. I am so absolutely fuckin blitzed I am so tired of thinking, and taking care of a grown ass 22 or old, who acts and thinks like a fucking 6 year old. I just want somebody who actually appreciates me. I have given 6 years of my life, my money and my time to this bumbling baboon of a man, and dragged him through life. And he only half asses. My mom has gotten him a job, i got him a job. He quit his last job, nice ass job. I have payed for almost every single date and planned it! And the ones that he does are always the same, dinner, movie, mall. I FUCKING HATE THE MALL, I DONT WANNA WALK AROYND IN THE GOD DAMN MALL. And that is the most 16 year old shit ever. Every single thing in our apartment i have supplied, he brings nothing to the table, he never brought a single dishtowel even I have done it all! Even when I was working 2 jobs, going to school full time and going to the kenels, he only had one job, scoop the box, clean the house and do the laundry. But nope! He couldn't even do that! He can't do anything right he is so god dam. Incompetent. I don't feel pretty anymore, he doesn't ever make me feel loved. And he never takes any initiative. I can't ever talk about my feelings to him because I'm making g him reel abused, or I'm a bitch, or just crazy and reading too much into things. I am so fucjing tired of picking up after himal of the time. I am trying to focus in my career and he is drawing me down like Weighted boots and I'm in the ocean. I love the life that we built, but i realized that's because I built it!!!!!! I got us this place! I payed for everything. My mom andi got him his car! Constantly not keeping up with his money, paying his insurance and car payments. And it's like how to are you missing those when you're making what you're making? He just bad for me straight up. I told him I wanted to be sober and that I was going to do it. And he laughed at me and asked if I could really do that. And guess what bitch I've been fucking do it fuck you. He takes zero initiative. I just can't handle it. I can't fucking do this anymore I am so tired.

[vent-space-chaos]

Tonight my Boyfriend....

He said "you watched me grow",

I said, "you watched me fall apart".

Compared to when we first met.

He was a boy, and now a man.

I was a woman, & now I'm a mess.

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Buried

Tonight, I’m feeling like I’m losing control.

There is something in my spirit that recognizes this dock. Recognizes the familiar proximity of teetering on the edge.

My father’s father dies today.

A child, locked inside mud walls, that were sculpted from hate, and “world experiences”.

A breaking voice provides egress. The child escapes, only to be dragged back inside by unfamiliar hands. Roughened by tears that singed his flesh in the sun.

The little boy falls.

As does his daughter.

Embracing the edge, she dances, dances to her death and is reborn an alcoholic.

Not a phoenix, not a tiger, she too will face her father’s death, her mother’s, already she has faced her brother’s.

She will have to bury everyone alone.

The same way her father buries himself.

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I can do all things through barbie.

Ken 13:2

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I am just fucking stupid, I can't do anything right, I probably never will. I hate being stupid. I hate that my friends the very few that I do have. Well, they're not really my friends, I will never last with these people, I can't keep any outside relationships. not since Isabell, not since Bethany. I'm struggling to keep myself afloat. I don't like what I' pursuing, & now I'm so bad, I'm medicated. I'm losing more and more everyday. I'm starting to lose time, I don't know if it's just me, or if I'm really losing it, or maybe even a side effect, I really do not know. All I know is I'm a disapointment, I don't belong, I don't belong here I don't belong anywhere. I hate myself, I hate that I'm a completely different person, I don't know who I am. It's like someone else took over my body and I'm sitting in the back seat.

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Am I the only one who wants to get jury duty???

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I feel like my life has no meaning.

I've been having these dreams or fantasies.

They are all the same. I always end up in this vision where, I'm in school, or I'm at home. And my brother is delivered to me by an agent, and turns out he was just in eitness protection this whole time. And the body I saw was just a copy, or he was just asleep.

I am always trying to find and form, way, or reason.....that would elude to him being alive.

I'm always for an excuse, or even a clue. Sometimes I still look in the papers or news up there just to see if there's anything anywhere that could lead me to something.

But it's all the same and it's always pointless.

And I always wake up feeling more alone than I was before.

[vent-space-chaos]

Wow, I feel like I am never going to have a single friend.

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I feel like I have absolutely no business being here. I cannot help but feel like such a monumental fucking loser. I'm ugly, and I weigh 168.8 now. I'm failing math. And I might fail my most important class. My professor thinks I'm so fucjing dumb, he's giving me an extension on an essay, and he wants to teach me how to write a college level essay. I knew I didn't belong here, I can feel it everyday with the way people laugh at me. I had 2 boys make fun of my legs yesterday, and they laughed at me. I've never felt so alone like I do right now. I don't have my brother here with me to help, and I need so much help right now. And just nothing is the same anymore and I don't even really know if I can truly continue. I don't know if I want to, I'm not sure if the reward is as great as it seems anymore. I feel like I was lied to.

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Everyone told me that it would get better but it's only getting worse. Sometimes I come so close to just cutting that cord. To let him know how sorry I am.

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Lord beer me strength

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I am so fucjing tired, I am so fucking depressed. I feel so incredibly ugly, and I have overdrafted on account by $30 yay!

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I'm feeling my loss so much more. I wish my brother was with me, I w8sh he was here to go with me. I hear his songs all the time. It makes me feel so alone.

[vent-space-chaos]

I'm feeling my loss so much more. I wish my brother was with me, I w8sh he was here to go with me. I hear his songs all the time. It makes me feel so alone.