ventssneakysneaky - Tumblr blog

[ventssneakysneaky]

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[ventssneakysneaky]

That's nice. I kept making myself go through uncomfortable situations for the possibility of joy and ended up not knowing how to tell intuition from overthinking too, but in the opposite way where I can never trust my feelings about anything

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I hate it when ppl comfort me. It puts on me an obligation to act comforted lest the other person's feelings be hurt

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I'm the only fucking person in this whole situation responsible enough to just say I should be in as little contact with everyone as possible. No one else seems to care enough to acknowledge that. Bunch of weak willed irresponsible idiots and I'm just barely by a hair better than any of them

[ventssneakysneaky]

Actually so fucking infuriating. I KNEW I might have covid and just be showing up negative because it's early stages. I knew that. But I leaned into all the "it'll be fine"s and chose to go anyway because I wanted to. And now I've put everyone at risk and wasted hundreds of pounds

[ventssneakysneaky]

God I feel like shit. I was so excited for this con back when I bought the tickets, and now I'm stuck in a city I don't like at a con I don't like with a friend who isn't my friend anymore and art that won't sell and a migraine and running on no sleep whatsoever and all the while feeling guilty as hell for now working. And I made the grave error of talking to Alison about my feelings so now I also cried into my pillow the whole night and I can't even pretend I'm fine because she knows I'm not. Not that I necessarily would have been able to pull that off anyway tbh

[ventssneakysneaky]

Hearing your friends laughing in the other room and not being able to go and laugh with them because you can't because they don't want you. Pain

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Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhgggg

[ventssneakysneaky]

Maybe this is silly, but I really wanted to get this off my chest- I'm in a somewhat unhealthy relationship, and although I genuinely care for the person I'm with, they want something from me that I'm incapable of giving them. I don't want to lose them, but I know that trying to force myself to give something I don't have will only result in pain. I don't know what to do, and I feel a great sense of sadness regarding the whole situation

This is quite late, so please forgive me for the delay in getting to this. I don't know whether this is something that's been a quietly persisting thing for you, or if you have talked about it with your partner (if you have not, then please, please do) and found no resolution, so there's very little I can say here. What I will say, though, is that you can care deeply for someone and still choose to walk away from an unhealthy situation. They aren't two mutually exclusive things; in fact, I'd argue that, if everything else has failed, walking away is the most caring thing you can do here. The alternative is maintaining a relationship in which neither one of you is getting what you truly need from the other, and you need, honestly and objectively, to really ask yourself who this will help at the end of the day.

Caring for people also involves being respectful of our own limits and boundaries, it involves respecting the other person enough to be able to say I love you, but this is something I cannot do or be for you. It's realising that if you both want to be happy then the best thing to do is to allow yourselves the space to achieve that separately when it is not possible any longer to do so together. Persisting in this when you know it will only result in more trouble will only dig you even deeper into the situation, and I think it may help to ask yourself what it is you are holding out for that is worth you opening yourself up to more heartache than you are experiencing already. I know that the pain of potentially losing someone you care about seems unbearable, but I really think you need to set this (which in time you will emerge from) next to the acute reality of the pain you are continuing to feel in the relationship you're in.

We all have expectations and hopes of people, that's just human nature, but I do think that there comes a point -- if we really, truly, want to know someone -- where we have to set our own expectations aside and fully confront the person we are trying to get close to. And this means allowing them their singularity, their contradictions, their idiosyncrasies, and, crucially, all the parts of them that defy our own fantasy image. If your partner is holding out for or insisting on a version of you that's incompatible with who you are, if this vision is not allowing for what you cannot give them, then this vision isn't allowing for you, it's not seeing you and neither are they, even if they do not realise it.

Again I don't have the details of what your relationship is like and I also don't know your partner, so I am not making assumptions about their character or saying that this makes them a terrible person; I think it's a completely natural thing and it happens often. We all have our flaws and limits, and while we can care deeply for others through those limits there are times when they simply can't be breached, for whatever reason; sometimes it's a matter of maturity, sometimes it's underlying issues we need to work through, sometimes it's simply down to us, to trying to fit a demand or need that is, fundamentally, at odds with who we are at a particular moment in life. You can try to acquiesce to this, but then you are forcing yourself into a dishonesty that will not only hurt you but also, in time, lead to resentment and bitterness towards your partner. This, if you have talked about the issue and still found no resolution, is potentially the future relationship you are looking at, and neither of you deserve this. You cannot be the self that you want to be (for yourself or for anyone else), if you are constantly shrinking and limiting it to please someone else's expectation. All relationships require, if they are to be healthy and between equals, for us make space for another individual and ourselves to exist in tandem -- it is not an either / or. And you have a responsibility to yourself, and your relationship with this person (and the same goes for them), to recognize when that space can no longer serve you.

There will be sadness and pain no matter what way you look at this or what you choose to do, but they are two very different types and you have to decide, for yourself, which one you can bear to live with: one will only get deeper, and heavier, it will fix you to one spot and profoundly affect your happiness by not allowing you space to move beyond the situation you find yourself in -- the other pain will, after a time, clear; it will open up a space for you to find a different happiness, even if it does not seem like it now, that will allow you, as a person, to grow into a more confident, more caring and more expansive version of yourself and allow for more fulfilling and healthier relationships as a result.

I don’t think that the choice facing you right now is as much between losing this person and not losing them, but rather a choice between a fixed grief, and a momentary one: would you rather mourn every day that you are with your partner for a relationship that is not a reality, and then constantly lose any potential happiness for yourself that you could make a reality of in the process? or would you rather (temporarily) mourn the loss of a relationship that meant much to you, but could not make you happy by allowing you to be you? would you rather subject yourself to a grief that is constant and indefinite for as long as this situation persists, or a grief that will, once you have chosen to walk away, subside with time because you are no longer immersed in it all, and can finally see beyond it? I think this is really what you have to ask yourself and assess in your situation, and you need to do so by prioritising your needs, your feelings, and your desires first -- if these do not align with what this person needs or expects from you, then I think you know what you need to do. Walking away from this person does not mean they never meant anything to you, or that your relationship doesn’t matter; it also doesn’t make you a bad person or a traitor, and it does not erase all the good and the happiness that you may have previously experienced with them. All of this exists and remains a reality regardless of a relationship’s longevity; people change, and dynamics change and it’s a sign of love, care, and respect towards both parties to recognize this and make the choices we need to make to not prolong any unnecessary pain or sadness.

I don’t know if this will offer anything for you, anon, but I hope you can get something out of it. I’m very sorry for your situation, but I hope you can find your way to something happier and more fulfilling soon x

[ventssneakysneaky]

I cant believe friends to lovers was a big fat lie all along

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why am i like this. so apathetic. so incapable of letting anyone close. so incapable of letting myself close to anyone. so skittish. what if i want to try again? what if this was the best chance i'll ever have? how much longer can this painful romance subplot drag on?

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i keep having doubts. should i have just toughed it out? but my problems wouldn't have gone away by themselves. should i have worked on them with you? yes. but i couldn't bring myself to. is it so wrong? to say that i'm not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone i care about?

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I really did not realise that you felt so deeply

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God i want to talk to you again. I saw snow today and it killed me not to show you

[ventssneakysneaky]

I'm so relieved i broke up with you but i feel like shit knowing you're hurting... I wish we could watch our shows to the end

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i’m gonna fucking break my arm punching the wall why dont macs have paint tool sai i hate this fucking computer this is the one single software that i know well enough to produce something of value god i want to wake up

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I don't want to fucking talk to him ever ever again